On Swimming

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. This rarely ever happens to me as I normally pride myself on being an excellent sleeper. But for some reason I woke up around 3:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I decided to grab my phone and look at Instagram. I just recently started following a girl who announced her pregnancy in May after struggling with infertility for 10 years to the exact month. I started to stalk her photos (like all good nosy girls do) and came across a picture where she shared that she also lost her best friend to cancer 2 years ago. You can find her blog here. I was (and still am) so intrigued by her story of pain that I found her blog and started reading... and reading some more and then sobbing. This woman's faith was so raw and honest and vulnerable that I couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop thinking about how I desperately want faith like that. But... it hadn't even been 3 seconds before I changed my mind--because faith like that almost always comes from a place of pain and loss and surrender. And I fear those things like something fierce. And when I can't sleep and I start to fear things? I know it's time to write.

I just finished my 10th week of swim lessons last night. 10 weeks down and ONE to go. It's insane to think that I am finally about to cross the finish line of such a crazy busy season in my life. I can remember thinking in April that I would NEVER get here and yet here we are. Teaching swim lessons this summer has taught me a lot about myself and about how I walk with Jesus. I am learning more about Jesus as a Teacher than ever before as I try to guide my little kiddos through their fear of swimming.

It wasn't until about week 5 when it hit me. I had started implementing a couple of sayings that were really helping my kids calm down and helping me gain and keep control over my classes. Everyday for 10 weeks I have been saying to my kids like a broken record:

"It's okay to be scared but I need you to trust me. Nothing bad will happen when you're in the water with Mrs. Madison because I will keep you safe." 

"I don't want you to say that you can't... you just need to say that you'll try." 

"You can cry but you're still going to have to listen and obey. Crying doesn't make you not have to go under water-- it just makes lessons harder so try to take a deep breath." 

"It's okay to not want to but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do." 

"Learning how to swim is really important and once we learn it becomes really fun too." 

"Yay! Way to go--you did it. I am really proud of you. It's hard to do things that we are scared of but you did it. You're so brave!!!" 

Five weeks in of saying these things over and over and over again until it finally hit me-- God is trying to be my Teacher. He is trying to gently tell me to trust Him. He wants me to know that He is in control and that I am safe. It hit me like a ton of bricks--even if I kick and scream and pitch a fit His plan will come forth. My screaming and crying WILL NOT HELP ME GET WHAT I WANT.

I spend so much time worrying about my future every single day. I fear change. I fear being un-known. I fear being mis-understood. I fear that some of my dreams will never come true. I fear that I'm not fulfilling God's plan in my life and I fear so many other things too. It's honestly exhausting how much I let fear "control" my life. I want to have faith like the people I read about in the bible and even the people I read about in blogs at 4am. I want to have faith that drives out fear. And in order for me to get there? I have to trust my Teacher.

I don't know what my future will hold. I don't know how pain will come into my life or what dreams will go unfulfilled. At this point all I know is that I can cry and scream and wish it away OR I can take a deep breath, trust my teacher and learn to swim. Plus, one time someone told me that swimming ends up being pretty fun in the end anyway.

On Being Messy

I've been thinking a lot about why I haven't been consistent with blogging lately. I love writing and I am always a better human when I sit down and take time to process-- and yet I have done so little of it. I know that writing breathes life and truth into me but I still don't make time for it. The more I think about it the more I realize that I am hesitant to write because...

I'm a mess. 

I want to write about things I've learned and how I've come out of hard times a stronger and wiser person. I find myself wanting to write about things of the past--but what's a girl to do when the past is still the present? I've been telling myself for over 700 days now that SOON I'll be able to write about this past season of struggle... but the past part just isn't coming.

I'm realizing that life is really tricky. In the past 2 years I've had so much good happen in my life. But I've also had these changes and "little traumas" that have caused me so much pain. Pain that I feel like I should already be healed of but the reality is that I'm just not there yet. I've made progress but I'm still hurt and wounded and upset. And that's okay. I also think it's okay to write when you know that you don't have it all together (as if anyone ever has it all together).

Maybe my vulnerability will spur someone else on to know that it's okay to be a mess today. It's okay to feel really big and deep things that other people don't understand. It's okay to fall apart every other day for two years-- it just really is okay. The only thing that isn't okay is to throw yourself a pity party and then to get really comfortable there. I fail more often than I'd like to admit but if there is anything I have learned in this season of life is that perspective changes everything.

If I focus on myself and all the things that are going wrong or spinning out of control then I start to feel terrible for myself and lose sight of all the important things in life--not to mention I also start to be a total BIA to my poor husband.

I've found though that if I focus on the Gospel then everything seems to fall back into place. Not necessarily the place that I wanted it to go--but a place none the less. When I focus on the Gospel I leave that stupid pity party and start to see the needs of other people around me. I start to see that other people are struggling too. I start to calm down. I start being able to breathe again.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm struggling and don't know when it's going to stop. I often feel like a failure and I am often forgetting who I am and what my purpose is in this short earthly life. I'm trying to change my perspective daily because it helps and I'm trying to show myself some grace--because that helps too. 

I'm also trying to ask for help even though it's really hard. Despite my fear and insecurity that people might decide to leave me--I'm trying to let them into my mess because I know that it's good and healthy. More times than not I don't give my friends great opportunities to enter into the messier moments of my life out of the prideful desire to be perceived as something that I'm not. This is a shame because when I let people in it doesn't just help me--it can help them too. Vulnerability spurs on vulnerability and that's a beautiful thing.

So it turns out that my life isn't smooth sailing right now... and it's okay. Because messy is real and messy is beautiful and messy is pretty much everyone around us. Let's all take a good long deep breath today and let people into our mess.

I think it's going to help. 

Bye, Waco. & thank you.

*disclaimer: this is a post i wrote back in June 2014 but never posted--i loved reading it tonight and thought i would share it with y'all! 


On a Tuesday in June I did something that I wasn't prepared to do... I told Waco bye. After deferring grad school and deciding to stay in Tyler I came to the realization that on May 17th I left Waco with every intention of going back to live there in the Fall. Now, I knew that wasn't going to happen and I began to realize that I may not ever live in Waco again. So (obviously)  I needed to drive back down to give such a special place the proper goodbye that it deserved.

Hence, on Tuesday I had to tell Waco bye. I drove around to all of my favorite places with my journal in one hand and a pen in the other and did the only thing I could think to do. I wrote. I thought about all of the things that I learned and experienced at that specific place and I wrote. My hand wasn't able to keep up with my mind but it sure did try and I am trusting that God knew just what needed to be written down so that I can always look back and remember. Here's a little glimpse into what that day looked like...

FIRST STOP: 3344 S. 3RD STREET. #14 

" i'm sitting on the back door steps of my waco house that isn't my house anymore. it seems cruel that i can't call this place home any longer. 3 years here. 5 different roommates. a million lessons learned and re-learned. meals cooked but mostly just pizza ordered(thanks papa john... what a guy). so many books read and music played. it was inside on the stairs where i got my most un-wanted phone call of college and it was also here at the kitchen table that jon asked me on our first date. 3 falls, springs, winters and 1 summer. 6 weeks sharing a room with emma and thousands of clothes shared amongst everyone. 3 formals, salados, crushes, and take-a-dates. i cried plenty and laughed more. i learned more about Gods character sitting on the floor of my room or on the balcony in my hammock than any other place in waco. i succeeded and failed with confrontation, community, living life on life right here within these walls. my desire for discipleship and vulnerability was strengthened by this place and the people that filled it. thanks, aspen #14.#aspenhottiez " 

SECOND STOP: HARRIS CREEK BAPTIST CHURCH 

" now im sitting outside of harris creek... the church i called home for 4 years. i came here on my first sunday in waco, back in august 2010, and i never left. here i was a part of 3 different lifegroups and got to lead two of them. i learned more about leading, following, and discipleship here than i ever knew before. i found new relationships here and strengthened old ones. within these walls i was challenged to know Jesus better and deeper and to know myself in a new and better way. i questioned God and His goodness in this building a lot during the fall of 2011 and then was over-whelmed by His goodness in this building so many times after that. through the teachers here i gained a deeper thirst for scripture and a deep appreciation for the psalms. i worshiped here and learned that worship isn't just a sunday morning thing-- but a lifestyle. i spent gallons of gas driving out here every week...like a lot of gas. i learned more about grace, redemption, community, and Jesus. and maybe most importantly, it was here that i first learned of the covenant type friendship (shouts out Lyd) and i've been pursuing just that ever since. I'd say it was worth the gas. " 

THIRD STOP: STACY RIDDLE-- #PANNY4EVER

"now im sitting outside of the panhellenic building. i remember opening up my bid card like it was yesterday and reading "chi omega" as i screamed and squealed like all good sorority girls do. i rushed over to the chi-o room to meet all my new "sisters" and even though i was happy and full of anticipation i was also beyond scared. i remember looking around and feeling like i was in middle school again--all these girls are prettier than me, cooler than me, and the list goes on. that's all my 19 year old self could think about those first 6 weeks of being a chi-omega. if i had only known then what i know now. the girls that filled that room every monday night at 5:30 sharp changed me for the better. they taught me how to not take myself so seriously, laugh until we cry (lizard land), be vulnerable and real, to love Jesus fully and deeply and so much more. chi omega really was one of Baylor's best gifts to me." 

FOURTH STOP: LAKE WACO

"now im sitting at me and jon's favorite spot on lake waco. i love this spot so much because of what it has meant to not just jon and i but also to whitney (jons sister). whit told jon about this abandoned lot on lake waco when he was a freshman at baylor in 2009... she said it was a spot where she went to spend time with Jesus and that he should go too. jon started going to the spot sometimes on his own and decided he would never take anyone there unless he knew that person was important. i'll never forget jon telling me that story last fall when he brought me here for the first time. we had just started dating and i was anxious and reserved. i was guarding my heart a little too much out of fear and i will never forget sitting right here and listening to jon tell me that whatever i was feeling was ok--that he wasn't going to be scared off by my anxiety and that he cared about me. that was the moment when my walls started coming down and i thought "i think i actually might like jon lasse". since that day we've come here many times and each time i feel such a peace--just thankful that God would give us our own little spot on the lake." 

(little did i know then that jon would propose to me in that same spot just 2 months later!!!!) 

LAST STOP: 313 CRESCENT 

"i'm back at rach and jordans and yet i know that i need to write about this house too because it holds such a special place in my heart. this is the house where i got to nanny norah rose for the first year of her life... where i got to come over at 1am and spend the night with norah so r+j could rush to the hospital to have ruby girl. the house where i knew no matter what was going on in my life that THIS was my safe place--my place where i was completely known and completely loved. rach has always been a safe place for me and i sit here crying just thinking about how good God was to me in letting us live life so closely together again in Waco. this was the house i came to right after jon asked me out and i was a complete mess. how many times have i cried in this place? who knows but a lot... just ask jordan. this is the house that holds the cutest kids in the world and some of my hardest and best moments in all of college. not many people get to have a 313 crescent and i'm so thankful that i did. the barkers are at the top of the list for the things i'll miss most about Waco." 


- from my journal in June 2014. 


i'm not sure why i never posted this post but when i came across it today i knew that i wanted to share it! it was such a good reminder to me of all that Waco, Tx and the people that fill it taught me during college. i am thankful for that season of my life. I'm looking forward to being able to write more Ebeneezers in the future about my current and future seasons in life. Because sometimes it's just good to remember. 



REMEMBER...Lest I forget all He has done. 

Dear March 23rd

Dear March 23rd,

I guess I always knew that you would eventually be here. I knew that time would keep moving and that one day I would wake up and it would be the day I was supposed to have a baby but actually the day that I go to work and just do really normal things. I guess I knew that you would come and go and I guess I knew that you would make me feel something I just didn't know what the something(s) would be until you actually got close to showing up.

You make me feel anxious because I feel so.many.things. but which ones are "okay" to feel? You make me feel confused and a little bit lonely. You make me feel sad because of what was going to be but isn't anymore. You make me feel guilty because a little bit of me is relieved that I'm not having a baby today. But how can you make me feel sad, angry, lonely AND relieved all at once? Your ability to make me feel all of these things at one time is why you also have the ability to make me feel incredibly anxious.You make me feel like whatever I am doing today or feeling today is somehow wrong. That someone else would be doing/feeling differently... and they probably would be. But they aren't me and their story isn't mine. If I'm honest with you, you make me feel overwhelmed in so many ways. You remind me of how scared I felt when I was pregnant and how scared I feel now when I fear never being pregnant again. You make me fear things that I don't have control over--things that may or may not ever happen.

I know all of this isn't your fault... me and you have always been on pretty good terms before and honestly, I know we can be on good terms again. I just have to spend some time processing what you now represent for me. You once were just a day like all the rest and now you're something so much more.

You represent death but also life. You represent loss but also gain. I lost a baby but I gained more knowledge of God's goodness and faithfulness. I lost "control" over my life but God taught me that I never wanted to be the one in control anyway. I lost something good but was reminded that He is better.  I learned that God is near to the broken-hearted and His nearness is everything.   You reminded me of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego... how they desperately wanted God to save them from the fiery furnace BUT EVEN IF HE DIDN'T (cue Shane and Shane) they would still praise Him. Oh, how I want faith like that.

You helped me  remember and learn all of that and so in a lot of ways, you March 23rd aren't so bad at all. And that's what I have to remind myself of today.

Although there is pain, there is good too. And I guess a lot of days are like that. I'm trying to learn that it's okay to just be. To just feel exactly as I do knowing that God in all His goodness and grace accepts me fully. Even if I feel the "wrong" thing.

He loves me and wants good things for me. And that's the best reminder in all the land. 

So, to you March 23rd, I guess I need to say:

thank you. 

and I'll see you in 364 days. 

I won't be so scared next time. 

light. and the people who change you forever.

When I was a Junior in high school my best friend Emma and I went to McAlisters Deli to "catch-up" one afternoon. God nudged me that day as a 17 year old to talk to Emma about the sin in my life that I hadn't ever shared with anyone before. I was literally shaking because I couldn't figure out why God wanted me to talk to her about this and I definitely didn't want to. I finally told her that I felt like God wanted me to tell her something but I refused to talk about it in public so we needed to go to the car... when I finally got the nerve to tell her she just started to cry and said... "me too". In that moment I knew what C.S. Lewis meant when he said:

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." 

I felt freedom in knowing that I wasn't alone and I felt even more freedom in knowing that someone finally knew my "secret" and wasn't giving up on me. We left that day with a new commitment to one another... we would start TALKING to each-other about our sin and we would encourage each other to run from darkness and walk in the Light. I believe this was the start of my passion for honesty and vulnerability in friendship. For me, knowing that someone knew me fully and still loved me was so powerful and the one thing that pointed me to Jesus more than anything else.

Today in church, our pastor preached about living in darkness vs. living in the Light and I couldn't stop thinking about that day at McAlisters. That day forged the way for me to live many years of vulnerability with people knowing full well that this would push me to live like Jesus, which would result in me walking in Light. But if I'm honest with you, I've lost so much of that zeal and passion for vulnerability and it wasn't really until this morning that I realized... I'm walking in darkness. And the result of this darkness has been and honestly still is:

fear. exhaustion. anxiety. insecurity. panic attacks. loneliness. uncertainty. guilt.  

I feel like it's been hard to breathe for almost 2 years now. What once was a certainty that God had given me a GIFT of vulnerability has since been crushed and destroyed by letting humans decide who I am. Over the past two years I have felt the most pain I've ever felt in my short lifetime from people who I thought were "my people". These individuals who I thought of as some of my closest confidants simply deciding that my friendship wasn't worth it anymore. Then there were some other people who thought my blog wasn't good... they thought some of my posts were "too honest" and "out of line". I was simply "too emotional or too much". These things crippled me and at times I thought the lack of these individuals approval was going to destroy me. I (obviously) had/have a serious issue with seeking HUMAN approval which has since become a glaring sin in my life. I let these people's thought of me completely change my view of myself. Instead of seeing my sensitivity, vulnerability, and passion as a gift from God they became the things that I wanted to curse. Dramatic?Probably. But absolutely the truth about what happened. 

Over the past couple of months God has slowly been showing me how to find healing from the various events of the past two years. I am slowing (and I do mean slowly) realizing that my identity just isn't found in humans and how much they like me or dislike me. I've always known this but I haven't let this truth sink in. I haven't let the truth of Gospel change everything and the result of not doing this is... darkness. I have had so much anxiety and fear over the things that I can't control in my life... so much so that when I go back and read through some of my old blog posts I don't even recognize myself. I think "did I really believe those things? Did I have that much trust in who Jesus is?" The darkness has changed me but the Light is beckoning me to come back... back to the place of surrender and peace and joy. 

You see, when I think about the Gospel I'm no longer mad at the people who have hurt me so deeply in this fallen world. When I think about the Gospel I simply CAN'T be mad. When I think about the Gospel I feel so much freedom to forgive and let go. When I think about the Gospel I feel like reconciliation can actually happen and even more importantly than that, I think about how even if reconciliation DOESN'T happen that I'll be okay. When I think about the Gospel I think about how I can view all people as God's children who are so deeply loved and cherished by Him. No matter how much people hurt me--God is still FOR them. No matter how much I hurt people, God is still FOR me. People will and have failed me but at the same time I will and certainly have failed people. Darkness is why. The darkness that sinful people (like myself) bring into this world is why we all suck so much. It's why we hurt people and why people hurt us. And it's okay to admit that we've all failed a whole lot in this thing called life. This morning at church, our pastor said this:

Spiritual darkness is turning away from God and turning to someone or something besides Him as the center of our lives. Spiritual darkness happens when we chase after something or someone that we believe is better than Jesus. 

Over the past 2 years I've spent a whole lot of time chasing the silliest things. I've been avoiding writing for the most part solely out of fear that I'll post something that will make other people think I'm really not that great (lol). I've been avoiding vulnerability with new friends and old friends alike because what if when they see the parts of me that suck they'll decide to leave me? What if they decide that I'm not worth it anymore? And the conclusions I'm coming down to is this: I'm really not that great and any good in me is Jesus anyway, so if someone doesn't like my blog (or me for that matter) than it's okay. Not everyone will like me and that doesn't have to change anything at all. And if I let people in but then they decide to go, than that's okay too. Relationships, even my marriage, just can't define me if I want to live in the Light. They can surely help point me to the Light but they can't define me. What if we stopped letting humans who are sinful give us identity? What if we delighted in the gifts that God has given us and used them for His glory--even if other people mock us or disagree? What if we went to God's living word to find our direction, confidence, and security? What IF, people?! Light would surely shine through. Jesus took on our complete darkness so that we can live in the LIGHT. God gave His absolute BEST (His Son) and His best is completely sufficient. We are not sufficient-- but the Gospel is and the Gospel is ours.

These are things I'm going to strive to do everyday. To live in the Light-- and to invite others, through vulnerability, to do the same. Because some days are going to be like that day at McAlisters-- when you realize that you really can be fully known and fully loved.  That no matter how many times you fail, that person isn't going anywhere. And those days? They change you forever. 

Claiming My Story: Our Journey through Miscarriage

A little over a month ago Jon and I found out that we were pregnant. 3 days ago right when we were about to announce the  news to everyone, we found out that we lost our baby. I don't know what to write but I know that writing is what helps me believe and rest in God's truth and that is what I am needing desperately. So here I am, trying to write out truth to you and mainly, to me.

There are too many words and yet at the same time no words at all. Adult life is proving to be the most UN-predictable thing of my life. Though we might not admit it, we think we have so much control in this life we have been given and then things like death and miscarriage happen to force yourself to realize something quite different. That's where I'm at right now... realizing that I don't actually have control over my life. You see, my story isn't at all being written the way I thought it would or should have been and it didn't just start with my miscarriage. 

Although I am embarrassed to admit it, when we found out that we were pregnant I was.... devastated. We had only been married 6 months and there was still SO MUCH I wanted to do just me and jon before we let a baby come into our lives and change everything. I cried and cried and cried. I thought all the worse case scenario  thoughts.... "everyone will judge us for getting pregnant so soon and they'll feel bad for us that we won't get to have the normal 2 years of marriage before you start even considering having a baby stage" or "we are already worried about money now we are really screwed" or my personal favorite "now I can't lose all that weight I've been talking about losing". Yeah, I had that thought.

Our world was turned completely upside down when we saw those two pink lines and now it has been turned upside down again knowing that the baby we didn't plan but had already chosen to love won't be joining us in this world. It's a hard and confusing reality when you realize  that you don't really know what is making you happy and what isn't. When fleeting things start to satisfy you and when you can't get yourself to cling to the only thing that isn't fleeting and the only thing that will actually bring true rest and healing to your soul. When we first found out we were pregnant all I could focus on is all the things we would miss out on by having this baby and now all I can focus on is all the things we will miss out on by not getting to have this baby. I guess the grass really isn't greener on the other side.

Just like when I first got pregnant I had to keep reminding myself that I AM NOT THE CREATOR OF LIFE. I don't get to decide when I think it's a good time to have a baby- God does. I don't get that privilege because I am not God. I repeat, I am NOT the creator of life. At the same time I am also not the SUSTAINER of life either. And that is what I am having to remind myself of every 30 seconds since losing our baby. I have to fight off thoughts that I did something wrong and that is why my baby didn't get to live... but me, sustainer of life? Nope. Not in my job description. God gives and God takes away... that's His job and my job is to (not easily) but simply trust His goodness. 

I haven't come to any good conclusions about how I can use this to speak some incredible truth over you all but I do know this... we all have different stories. I've been married and pregnant and lost a baby while some of my best friends are still waiting for a guy to ask them on a date. But in no way, shape or form is my story better than theirs or their story better than mine. They are just different. 

I can almost HEAR God asking me... "Yes, Madison I know that this isn't what you thought your story would be. But will you claim it? Will you walk faithfully in what I have and haven't given you? Trusting that I am a good, good Father and that I love you?" That is what He is asking me and that is what He is asking you. Will we say YES, Lord? I've been wanting to say no so much these past few days but that hasn't been helping. Grieving is good, yes and I hope that Jon and I will continue to grieve well. BUT pitching fits isn't always the best thing... and more than that, refusing to go to Truth during your hardest days? Don't do it. And don't let the people around you let you do it. That is my prayer for myself... that even though I want to run away from God's truth during this time because IT ISN'T FAIR (and it isn't) that my community, my people, the ones who stand in my corner and defend my story... they won't let me. My people won't let me wander too far from my Lord. Thank you, Jesus. 

In the midst of grief I really just have one challenge for you and for me... lets claim our stories.

Whether you are treading through singleness and waiting for that perfect person to come around, working that job you actually really don't like, having a tough season in marriage, or suffering the loss of someone you knew or someone you had hoped to know... claim it. God is with you and He has put you and me in these seasons to show other people His love and grace. Don't walk through these valleys alone... you certainty weren't meant to. Share your story! 

Own it... claim it... walk through it faithfully. 

**and for those of you who would like to pray for Jon and I during this time, we would SO APPRECIATE IT!!! We have already felt the prayers of so many and are so so grateful. Would you let us know how we can be praying for you as well??!! 

Slaves

I am a slave to what people think about me. I am a slave to what h u m a n s think about me. I am a slave to what you think about me. I am so disturbed by this reality but it's the truth and I need to bring it into the light so that it can ultimately be put to death. 

I think the past 12 months have been some of the hardest months of my entire life. I have been, and still am, in such spiritual warfare. I wish this was a blogpost about everything I have learned from having {once} struggled...but it's far from that because I am {still} struggling. If anything, I am deeper now than even before in the trenches of learning how to live for Christ and not for man. Such a simple thing to say, yet living that way is my greatest desire and my hardest fight. A simple command from my Father and yet I kick and scream and cry messy tears over the battle of believing that who God says that I am is more important than who YOU say that I am. 

Just like every person on this earth, I have been given my own fair share of un-fair things that I have to learn to live with. I am prone to anxiety and depression. Most nights, anxiety steals my sleep, robs my joy and tries to tell me that I'm not good enough for anybody or anything.  I have been diagnosed with OCD and struggle daily with the un-wanted condition called Trichotillomania. I have PCOS that causes me to gain weight un-expectantly and causes me to fear infertility. While I recognize that so many people have it way worse than I do, I would be lying to you if I said that these things weren't the hard things in my life... the things satan is so quick to use to tell me that I should throw myself a pity party. That I should actually focus on these things so that I WON'T focus on the things that God has done. 

God conquered death and washed me CLEAN of sin but I can't even remember that when I am so focused on gaining 10 pounds. I could be reminding myself of the Gospel story but there isn't enough room in my day because I am reminding myself of what everyone must think of me now that my clothes don't fit. I could be thinking about how God has CALLED ME WORTHY of love and affection but I can't because I am too busy worried about HUMANS thinking that I am anything but. How could I be something that the world is telling me I'm not? I COULD be thinking about all the gifts God has given me here on earth but I CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING BUT MY SORROWS. Why me, Lord? Why do I have to pull my eyelashes out and feel like no-one understands my agony about it? Why do I have to worry all time? Why do I have to be enslaved to mental illness? Why me? Why me? 

WHY NOT ME? 

I was walking with my mom this morning crying to her about all these things I feel enslaved to. How I just wish so badly that I didn't have all of these problems... how I wish I could be more normal and not have to answer to anxiety and depression and OCD and PCOS every single day. I was pouring myself out to her for the 700th time this year about how I just feel robbed. I was throwing myself another pity party and I wanted her to help me serve cake and ice cream for all my guests. I wanted her to egg it on... to tell me how sorry she was that I had to battle all of this and that it wasn't fair. I so badly wanted my mama to come to my rescue and she did but not how I wanted her to... but exactly how I needed her to. She simply (and pretty firmly I might add) said... 

"Madison, why NOT you? Everyone has to live with horrible things. It isn't dodging the horrible things that make you better... it's learning to live WITH them and giving God glory while you do that make you better... I just want you to stop thinking that this is about you. It isn't. It's about God and how you can glorify Him in it. " 

At first I was mad. Not shocked because my mom is a bold woman of God... but frustrated that she wasn't giving me what I wanted. But then it finally clicked... and it has continued to click throughout the rest of this Saturday as things haven't gone as I would like them to. I know that I am still in the fight of believing that I am not some victim, BUT at least I now know that I WILL be asking myself a different question every day... 

Why NOT me? 

These are my things. These are the things that God has and will continue to use to sanctify me. These are the things that I can release to Him and trust that He knows what He is doing. 

THESE THINGS are what I can use to know my Father, my Heavenly Daddy MORE. 

These are my offerings to him. Will I cling tight to them and wish they would go away... or will I give them up to Him to use as He chooses? I pray that it will be the latter. Will you pray that for me too? 

Would you journey with me and pray that I won't focus on pleasing man but rather focus on pleasing God? That I will trust and obey Him? That I would trust that when He says I am enough that I would believe it? And that when He says to trust Him that I just simply... would? 

It's true what I said at the beginning of this post, I do struggle with being a slave to what people think about me. BUT Christ died for even that so that I could live in freedom of it... It's time that I started living my true identity out... a slave to GOD alone. 

Redeemed. Forgiven. Beautiful. Loved. This is who I am. 

Try it with me? 

^"7 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2nd Corinthians 12:7-10

O the Joy, O the Sorrow

This past month, a lot of horrible things have been happening around my community. Especially yesterday when The Brook Hill School (my alma mater and where my family works) lost two of their own in a tragic car wreck. This lays heavy on my heart and even heavier on so many hearts around me. As I was driving home tonight with my husband, I remembered some lyrics to one of David Crowders old songs... "O the joy and o the sorrow" was all I could remember as I frantically searched for the song. I knew that it talked about how horrible life can be and I desperately wanted to hear something that would bring sense to this pain and sorrow that I haven't been able to shake. Turns out the song is called "Shadows".  In it, Crowder writes:

Life is full of light and shadow

O the joy and O the sorrow

O the sorrow

And yet will He bring 

Dark to light 

And yet will He bring 

Day from night

When shadows fall on us 

We will not fear 

We will remember 

When all seems lost 

When we're thrown and we're tossed 

We remember the cost 

We rest in Him the

Shadow of the cross 

I couldn't help but cry and feel peace all at the same time while letting these lyrics pour over my soul. All day long I have been trying to fight off anxiety and fear for myself and for a handful of others. And I just keep failing. Every time I try to do something to make it better...it just doesn't. Because when tragedy hits, it hits hard and it leaves no room for peace until you let the Prince of Peace enter in. When I heard the words of this song tonight, I realized something I think God has been trying to tell me for many months and even years--Madison, this isn't your home. You won't be here long... don't let yourself get too comfortable. 

For the past year a lot of exciting things have been happening in my life.  I graduated college, I got engaged and then got married. But even though those things have been so so good, I look back on this past year as one of the hardest of my life because I have come face to face with grief so many times.

• First, I graduated college (which is a huge accomplishment) but then in about 12 hours, I packed up and left everything I had called home for the past 4 years thinking that I was coming back...and I never did.
• I made the hard decision to not go to grad school...which put a lot of unknown in my future (this was terrifying to me).
• My then boyfriend, now husband, spent a summer away at camp where I couldn't talk to him for 6 out of 7 days. 13 weeks straight of extremely minimal communication.
• I faced the reality of rejection and the fear of not being liked or accepted multiple times.
• I fought anxiety attacks and depression.
• A childhood friend committed suicide.
• I got my first "real" job.
• I was asked to leave that job.
• I planned a wedding.
• I learned how to live on my "own".
• I got married.
• I fought alongside my husband for months until he found a job.
• And now this...the tragedy that happened at Brook Hill.

So much joy...and so much sorrow. If I know anything about life so far is that it will bring you so much joy and so much sorrow. The pain is often too much to bear and the joy is often over-shadowed by pain, regret, bitterness, and an un-grateful heart. I don't know much but I do know that in this hard season of life I have learned that God is still there and He is still good. 

{ Do I feel that? No, not so much. But do I trust it? Yes. God took hold of my little heart 18 years ago and hasn't let go. I have been running from him in times of trial looking to the world to heal my wounds, but it never does and it never will. }

I've also learned that while the past 12 months have seemed to be some of my worst, I'm sure that they won't be my very worst in this life. Pain has come and it will go in some senses but it will return and more than likely it will hurt more than the last time. God prepares you for what He has prepared for you. He is good like that and He cares. Despite our feelings of anger or betrayal or confusion, He DOES care. His promises are true and I know it full well. 

I am by no means an expert or even knowledgable when it comes to grief, but I do know what the 

Bible says about it:

Suffering is promised to us in scripture (James 1:2, Acts 14:22, John 15:20) 

Satan is real. And he is here to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) 

God is good and just (2 Thessalonians 1:6, Psalm 138:3) 

God loves us. We are dearly loved. (John 3:16, 1 John 4:8) 

When we said yes to Jesus and to His will and not our own, suffering became a part of who we are. Whether our suffering is "big or small" in the world's eyes is not the point. The point is that we suffer. Humans suffer. Christians living in this fallen world suffer and it's okay. If you are suffering, grieve and grieve well. And if you continue to suffer, offer up your sufferings to Christ because we KNOW that he will not turn away from the broken-hearted.

Throughout the bible those who wrote the deepest and most meaningful things are those who suffered deeply. Christ allows us to go deep with him into the depths of suffering...he is already there and we can meet him there. Scripture tells us that we can GAIN Christ when we suffer, meaning we can choose to become more like Christ when we suffer...and suffer well. 

I don't have much else to say and if you made it to the end of this blog post, then thanks for sticking with me. My words feel busy and messy, but life is busy and messy. Grief is certainly busy and messy.

If anything at all, these hard moments, seasons, or years are a constant reminder to me that this isn't home. God has come to save us and He will come again to bring us to our true home. Praise Him for that!!!

And if I have to guess...I think eternity with God is going to make all of this mess worth it.

O the Joy, O the Sorrow....truly. 

What I've Learned in 34 days of Marriage

Jon and I just celebrated 1 whole month of marriage (shouts out to us) and today I'm processing through that month and the months that came prior to it annnnnnnndd you know what??

Life is weird. Time is weird. Life is hard. Time is hard. And yet at the same time they're good too.

I always thought that I would be some superwoman by the time I was married. That I would have somehow and someway officially "made" it. Made what? I don't really know now that I think about it but I definitely thought I would be more put together than I am or at the least feel more purposeful than I currently do sitting at this computer typing to you people.

Right after we left our reception and were pulling out of the parking lot I turned to my new husband and said "I feel completely the same. Like I feel totally normal, just like I always do. Is that normal?"

He just laughed and said he didn't know but that he felt the same way.

Visual image... a new thing around here. You're welcome.

In the past 34 days more things have been the same than different. Yes, I now share a bed with a boy and all of the sudden we are constantly doing dishes and going to bed at 8pm but other than that... things are the same. 

It's the bigger things that are the same too. Like how this once single blogger turned married blogger is still struggling with the SAME sins and how I still (despite being married to the greatest man i know) can't seem to be satisfied. I thought marriage might help some of these deep rooted things... I mean pre-marriage I wasn't about to come out and say I thought they would fix them completely but deep down I think I might have. I thought that being married to Jon would be the greatest thing I have ever done and it is in so many ways but then in the other ways my pretty much perfect husband (im serious... he is a saint) still falls short at fulfilling the very depths of my soul. He can't do it. I didn't really think he could but now I know he can't. I thought my first 34 days of marriage would look a little different than they have... you know the movie type of love you see. The reality has been: 

• my husband is working harder than anyone I know and yet still doesn't have a permanent full time job. This leaves us both with anxiety and fear of the unknown... Do we really trust God?
• I have spent a good dozen of our 34 nights together crying in Jons arms because I just can't.seem.to.find.satisfaction. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and yet I feel like I am living someone else's life because if it was my life I would be skipping class right now and complaining about SING practice tonight.... 
• countless hours of trying to cook. keyword... trying. like i am not good. #pray4jon 
• all of a sudden the world is constantly wanting to know what my "occupation" is... ummmm is "working part time hoping to go back to school but don't really know anything" an option? 
• and to just add a cherry to this cake Parenthood ENDED. for GOOD. I am still crying. 

Anyway, all jokes aside (but i'm not joking about parenthood) these first 34 days have been hard in ways I didn't expect and g.o.o.d. in ways I didn't expect either! There is nothing quite like telling your husband that you just don't feel satisfied the first month of marriage and him gently and graciously telling you that it's perfectly ok to feel that way and then going on to help me process through it and wipe my tears as he goes. Jon Lasse has already been the single greatest picture of the gospel to me and I praise Jesus for him! 

However, what is the MAIN thing I have learned in 34 days of marriage??

Contentment is a discipline you must practice in any season of life. 

The worst part about marriage is the worst part about singleness... I continue to try to find satisfaction in earthly things that can't satisfy and I struggle to practice contentment. That's it. Marriage isn't hard because my husband isn't __________. Marriage (And singleness, dating, engagement, etc) is hard because we as humans continue to try to figure it all out on our own. We try to make ourselves happy with good things but not perfect and eternal things. We then pitch fits (hello me) when we realize that we aren't happy and we've tried so hard to get there all the while forfeiting things like the discipline of gratefulness and contentment not to mention fixing our focus on our only Savior. 

So, marriage is teaching me a lot. A lot about how new seasons are hard and they don't promise much of anything. It's all about what we put into it and what our perspective of it is. Exhale.... yes, persepective. Something I'll be working on today. 

One last thing I have been thinking a lot about it is how not only do I need to practice contentment but how I also need a real understanding that this world is not our home. As I continue to "decorate and nurture" my new married "home" may I always remember that the deepest longings won't come this side of heaven. And that's okay. The twinge of pain I walk around with everyday is a constant and GOOD reminder that no, this earth isn't home. Praise God! 

If you feel led, please pray for Jon and I as we continue to transition into marriage and as Jon looks for a job! Our prayer is that we will be outwardly focused, grateful, and content. That we would consistently focus on the faithfulness of our God even when life isn't how we think it should be.

Much love to ALL OF YOU from the newest Lasse! 

 

Confessions of an Unemployed College Grad...

Change is hard on everyone in some form or fashion. For me personally, (being the over-nostolgic gal that I am) change is hard in EVERY form and fashion.

When I left Waco on May 17th I had every intention of returning in August for grad school. After a series of events and decisions, I now find myself not returning to Bear Country in a few short days but rather going from one interview to the next and stamping "unemployed" all over my face. I joke about it but when it actually comes down to it not having a job, plans of any kind, or any other kind of "security" shakes me up pretty good.

For the past (almost) 23 years I have always had some(thing) that defined me. Sometimes it was dance, sports, church involvement, friends, etc. but what it always was is school. For the past 17 years I have been able to answer one simple question: "Where do you go to school?" I never dreamed that being able to answer that question would carry so much weight. What I realize now is that by answering that simple question I was essentially telling people of the place where I...

learned, grew, played, laughed, cried, created friendships, sifted through my strengths and weaknesses, was known and cared for, was challenged, fought after, and gracefully corrected. The place where I had built in community every day. 

School was so much more than a place where I went to learn and get grades back. Whether it was elementary school or college, this was the place where 75% of my life happened. Where I had huge success and epic failure. These places (aka: the people that filled these places) molded me for 17 years. Other things in life changed but having a school never did. I always had that. Until now.

I feel like people throw you big parties and offer you a ton of advice and encouragement for when you graduate high school and move off to college. And that's great (seriously) but what about when you graduate COLLEGE and you don't have school to fall back on anymore? Where are my parties and encouragement and advice? (kidding... sort of) It's like this whole "adult" thing is supposed to be the easiest transition of your life...

Graduating college and now claiming "unemployed" as my new status is teaching me a lot. {at least I know I can still learn without school...whew} I am learning that when the things that (I didn't even know define me) are stripped away, I better have something left at the core of who I am or I will become a slave to anxiety and fear. I am learning this the hard way...

Over the past 3 months I have learned a few things:

1) Saying you trust God is one thing but actually doing it is a whole other story. It's a little easier to pray a prayer asking God to help you trust Him when you don't actually need to. I realized that I prayed this prayer most often when I knew that I had things under control. Really disturbing, I know. It's harder to tell God that you trust him when you KNOW that means that if you really do trust Him then you have to be okay with that job telling you "Sorry, but you're not the right fit". Harder prayer. Better prayer. This type of trust (the really hard kind) is the most freeing thing of my life...

2) Contentment is the thief of anxiety and fear. This one is huge for me. In a season of life where it is SO easy to be discontent, I have found that discontentment brings me so much anxiety and fear. The more discontent I become with my circumstances-- the more enslaved I become to anxiety, fear, and eventually bitterness. Upon realizing this, I have been reminding myself that if discontentment is what brings these horrible things into my life, than CONTENTMENT must be the thief of them! So, I'm trying (keyword trying, people!) to be content with my circumstances... praising and thanking God for all the gifts that he has given and for the place he has me in today. Whatever that may be. 

3) I am God's daughter. Abba's child. and I am deeply cared for and loved. This has surprisingly been one of the hardest things to remember in this season of life. For some whacky reason it's easier for me to see myself as loved by God when things are going good in life. I think to myself, "yeah, things are going good... which means I must be doing something right... and God loves me!" But when I'm in a hard season of life (like this one) it's really easy for me to think, "I must be doing everything wrong. I guess I'm being disobedient and God is trying to teach me tough lessons because of that. Does He even love me?" Ofcourse, those words don't actually come out of my life because I "know" better than that. But in my heart I struggle believing those things. So, I am learning that it is an actual discipline in hard seasons to remind myself that I am Abba's child and He LOVES me. He also has good things for me-- I just need to trust... (see number 1).


So... these are my confessions. Unemployed life ain't for sissys. And TRUE life with Jesus isn't for sissys either. But the latter helps the whole unemployed thing be less hard...

because turns out some(thing) doesn't define me. Jesus does and always will--despite my job status.

Deep breaths. Trust God. Take the next step. Remind yourself He LOVES you. Repeat. 

(it helps....)

Me, the Samaritan Woman.

This summer has been a roller-coaster ride for me. Some days I see Jesus for who He is and I catch a glimpse of the bigger picture. You know, that one about Jesus and the Gospel and how it changes everything. Then other days I don't see it. I know that it's still there--that my doubt or un-belief or dis-satisfaction surely hasn't changed the reality of truth but it's hard. On these days, I cry a lot and wish that I could either 1) go back to college or 2) talk to Jon (my boyfriend) about it all. But unfortunately while Waco is still there even if I went back it wouldn't be the same and Jon is at camp--completely out of my reach for 6 out of 7 days. I am starting to learn that each day when I wake up I have a choice. I can either trust God or deny Him. When I can't change my circumstances I can either choose to trust or I can choose to show an unbelieving world that I deny the God that I say I commit my whole being to. Those are my only options. Lately, by God's grace I have started to choose that even if I can't see it... I believe that He really is who He says He is. Jesus, my God. 

Today I listend to a podcast about the passage found in John 4 where the samaritan woman meets Jesus at the well.

Imagine with me for a second...

This woman has been married 5 times and is currently living with yet another man but this time he isn't her husband. Perhaps, she's given up on marriage. She is at the well--coming to fetch water... the thing that she knows will satisfy her immediate thirst. She walked the familiar path to the well. She didn't have to ask for directions or second guess her decisions on how to get there. She knew this path-- she had walked it many times in the previous months and years and today was one in the same. She was minding her own business at the well that she came to daily in order to quench her thirst-- to satisfy her longing. Enters Jesus, the Messiah, a Jew. 

I used to always think that when I put myself in this story that I played the role of Jesus and that I needed to reach out to "lowly" people in my own life like Jesus reaches out to the samaritan woman. And I do. But today as I heard this story in a different light I realized something...

I'm that woman. I'm the samaritan woman at the well. Granted, our lives look different but we're more similar than I ever realized. Both sinners, both walking familiar paths in hopes that when we get to the well that we will finally find satisfaction.

When the whole time Jesus is there. Gently saying "Why not ask me for water?" To which we respond, "Well you don't have anything to fetch the water with. So thanks for the offer but it really is okay I got it. I can handle it. I can control my circumstances so that I know for sure that I'll get what I want... what I need." Jesus goes on to let the woman know that what He can offer is living water. The only kind of water that leaves you actually satisfied-- thirsty no more. 

But, I KNOW the path. I KNOW how to work the well. I KNOW that this will give me what I need and want. So, thanks for the offer but I got it.

Then the most amazing part of the story happens. The woman gets a glimpse. A glimpse that this man is the Messiah. He knows her story without her telling it, He knows that she doesn't have a husband and that she is living with a man whom she isn't married to, He knows her every fault and yet says, "Ask me... let me satisfy your thirst". And the woman leaves her pitcher of water there and returns to Samaria to tell of what she had seen. 

She leaves her pitcher of water there. 

What once satisfied her no longer could measure up to the glimpse of Living Water that she recieved. There was no turning back. No matter how familiar the path to the well is she no longer needs it. No matter that she has been married 5 times... she has been forgiven and cleansed by Living Water and the shame? She no longer needs it.

She leaves her pitcher of water. And she runs toward Living Water... 

and she'll thirst no more!

I'm the woman at the well. Me, the Samaritan Woman. The one coming back to the familiar path that leads to the familiar well simply because it's familiar. This is a huge revelation for me and it's backed by an even bigger promise from Jesus.

He is gently urging us to ask HIM. Not for earthly things but for Himself... which He will gladly give. And when we accept the gift of Himself the true Living Water...

we won't be wanting. i will not want. 

What is it that you are searching to satisfy you? If it's marriage... the woman at the well is a pretty clear picture that marriage isn't going to bring you the satisfaction you NEED. Is it a perfect job... it won't bring you the satisfaction you NEED. Is it that one thing you keep coming back to like the well for the samaritan woman? It won't satisfy. May we always remember that these things will.not.satisfy our souls. 

jesus will though. and he wants to. ask him. 

{Why do we settle for water coming out of the ground when we have an endless supply of Living Water at our expense?? }

It's Changing Things...

This summer is changing things.

In a sense I guess things are constantly changing; seasons in life both literally and figuratively are consistently shifting… so maybe this summer is no different. However, I think the difference can be found in the fact that I feel the change happening. It won’t just be a summer that I look back on and see how different it made me but I think it will be a summer that I look back on and I can point to this particular thing or situation and confidently say “that changed me” or “that situation made me realize things about myself that I hate” or possibly most often it will be, “sorting through those emotions/sins/insecurities made me more aware of God’s character and power and glory”. I know that I will look back and say these things because I am already saying them. It’s a rare thing for me to press into refinement as often and as hard as I have been lately and in doing so…

It’s changing things. And by things I mostly me it’s changing me.

Over the past 6 weeks I have learned 3 very important things:

1. I have an obsession with what people think about me

A very real and horrible obsession. I have known for a long time that I struggle with wanting people to have a good view of me and to fully know me and accept me despite knowing me, BUT I hadn’t realized until the past couple of weeks that this is actually an obsession of mine. A very real, horrible, and suffocating obsession. One that is sure to steal life from me if I feed it any longer. I am now constantly in a state of asking myself, “Madison are you seeking the approval of man or God?” In being faithful to ask myself this question, it is allowing me to not have to ask it as much.

2. God is more powerful, just and holy than I ever knew and even more than I know today {or will ever know this side of Heaven}

This summer has brought a lot of loneliness since I have been taken out of my normal community and brought back to the town and home I grew up in as a totally different person than I was 4 years ago when I left it for the first time.  This has been difficult but the loneliness has brought about a lot of good things in this “I just want community all the time” kind of girls life and heart. I have had more time to study God’s character and the lives of HIS community than I ever have before. I have been able to (finally) process through the things I learned in Israel and I have been daily and sometimes hourly surprised by how much I have missed about God’s character and His word in the past. God is BIG. And He is out of this world Holy and Just and Loving. He is the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and Rebekah and Adam and Eve and Ruth and Boaz and David and Paul (I’m guessing you get the picture?) and He is the SAME God that I pray to and the SAME God who is pursuing my heart relentlessly. I feel it and I’m leaning into it. And it’s changing things.

3. Forgiveness, in it’s most raw and real form is really REALLY hard

6 weeks ago I thought I knew what forgiveness was… and to an extent I did. But there is so much more to real forgiveness than I have ever given credit to. What I have learned thus far is that in order to give actual forgiveness to someone you must first be able to recognize how sinful, unclean, rotten, and fallen YOU are. Then consider that despite your sin and ugliness Jesus still went to the cross. Despite those Jesus loved most beating and forsaking Him… to the cross He still went. Despite His anxiety in the Garden ofGethsemene as He asked “Dad, please if it be possible let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will Dad but as You will.” And yup His Father didn’t rescue Him and yet He still went to the cross. What I am realizing is that it isn’t until I accept what Jesus did for me on that cross that I can actually offer true forgiveness to anyone. And because Jesus STILL went to the cross despite everything… how could I ever not forgive anyone? The ultimate act of forgiveness was showed to ME at the cross. Jesus switched cups with me once and for all. 

From my trip to Israel this past March: a picture of the communion I took IN the Garden of Gethsemene which overlooks the Temple Mount and modern day Jerusalem! Jesus took the cup of wrath so that I could forever and always have the cup of salvation and redemption! Praise God!!! 

                                                        

Won't you take this cup from me


Cause fear has stolen all my sleep


If tomorrow means my death


Pray you'll save their souls with it

In this hour of doubt I see


Who I am is not just me


So give me strength to die myself


So love can live to tell the tale

Garden: NeedtoBreath

I share the things that I am learning for two reasons; first, I love to write, to be vulnerable, to share what God is doing in and through my life because in doing so it helps me to realize even more so how BIG, and JUST, and FAITHFUL my God is. I believe that there are certain things that we each love and when we partake in them it gives us joy and life and that God intended it to be that way. For you it could be anything and for me it’s writing. Every time I write, I read back over it and cry because I am so overwhelmed by God’s goodness and faithfulness to me. So, I write. I write to remind myself of what Jesus has done and is yet to do.

Secondly, I write because I pray that in my vulnerability and willingness to share what God is doing in my life currently that it would encourage you to seek Jesus more. I know that God won’t use “my” words to encourage or challenge everyone and that’s okay. But, I trust that He will do with them as He chooses and my only responsibility is to be obedient in the writing.

So, a little glimpse into my summer of change, of loneliness in a lot of ways, but mostly of studying God’s character and His desires for me. In doing so,

It’s changing things. Jesus is changing things. Praise Him!!