To my High School self...

To my High School self, 

It's your first day at Brook Hill and you're so nervous you can hardly breath. It's okay though, you're uniform looks fine (not to mention the same as everyone elses) and soon, believe it or not, you will call this place home. 

Come September they're going to ask you to be the volleyball manager and even though you're scared to say yes you will, and you should be proud of yourself for acknowledging  that you're an awful volleyball player and that that's okay. You'll learn a little bit about serving behind the scenes (though not near enough) and you'll get really, really good at keeping a volleyball score book. 

When you come up with the idea to dye your hair brown--don't do it. It won't look good, you will cry for a whole day about it, and then you will spend the next year trying to get it back to your natural color. Trust me,  I am helping you out here. So just put the hair dye box down. Seriously, put it down. 

You're going to spend the better part of your freshman year desperately trying to stop pulling out your eyelashes. You'll succeed just long enough for that girl to tell you she used to not think you were very pretty without eyelashes but now that you have them you are. A month or so after she says that you will pull them all out and immediately think that you're now ugly. Don't believe the girl's words and don't believe your own. You are beautiful with or without eyelashes and even though you won't realize it for a long time, your struggle with pulling them out does not define you. 

At the beginning of sophomore year Dad will buy you your first car and you're going to name her Jetta. You will be as attached to her as anyone can be to a car. Roll the windows down often, sing louder than you think you should, and if you don't want to take defensive driving twice in one year I would s-l-o-w down, especially on highway 69, but that's just me. Also enjoy it while you can because it all ends when Luke gets her in a wreck and kills her. Yes, you'll cry about it. 

You think that being a good girl is the goal of your young life. Because of this, you're scared to fail and you aren't completely honest with your friends. You are secretly exhausted and you'll start to question if loving Jesus is worth it. Don't get anxiety over the doubt, rather wrestle with it and trust that He hasn't let go of you. You're going to make it to the other side better because of it. 

You have a good reputation and you put a lot of your identity into that, even though you will deny it. You pride yourself on being good at giving advice to your friends but you need to be careful with that because if there is any good in you it is Jesus. So if you're going to boast, boast in Him only. 

Landry will decide to go to Belmont in Nashville, TN for college and even though you act excited for him when you find out, on the inside you are scared out of your mind to have him be so far away. You'll opt out of taking him to school for the first time with the rest of your family because you're too nervous that you'll break down when you are forced to leave Nashville and come home without him. However you told Mom that you just didn't want to miss school. That's a lie though and there you go again not being completely honest. That's a slippery slope. Do you want my opinion? Go to Nashville with your family. If you need to cry the whole way home because you hate change that much then so be it. You're going to break down anyway except that you're going to be at home alone when it happens. And guess what? You staying home doesn't change the fact that he really did move to Nashville. Lame, I know. 

You love your room. Almost too much. Mom and Dad are always telling you that it's selfish that you spend so much time in there- and when you get to college you'll understand a little better why they were right. I'm not saying to stop spending time int here but just to spend more time out there, too. Because although the days seem long now, one day you will move out and that room that you idolize so much will become your brothers. I know, I know you don't believe that they would do that to you but they did, and you survived (barely). So, go ahead and head out to the living room and  spend time with your family. Ask them questions, watch American Idol with them, and enjoy it. 

You cry easily and you hate that about yourself. A good handful of people have told you that you're too sensitive and unfortunately, you chose to believe them. Mom tells you all of the time that you feel things deeply, good and bad, and that that's okay. Believe her with this one. She's right. 

A day coming up soon you'll get the urge to call Emma and see if she wants to get lunch at McAlisters to catch up on life. You give into this urge which was one of your better decisions. That day at McAlisters will change your life forever and you'll see God working in your life in a real way. 

Senior year will be your favorite. So, you have a lot to look forward to. You'll finally stop caring so much about what people think of you and instead of chasing guys, attention, and approval you'll start to chase Jesus and community. You'll find real freedom in this and it will begin to change you. You'll lead your cheer squad as their captain and your football team will make it state but lose by one touchdown. And yes, you'll cry then too. You'll hurt for the boys who are hurting b/c that's what you do best-- you hurt with those who hurt and that's a good thing. You'll skip class with your friends to go to Olive Garden and to explore the woods behind school. At first you worry that you'll regret this decision but you don't and you never will. It was days like those that made your senior year the best. 

YOU are loved, chosen, beautiful, redeemed, sacred, worth pursuing, righteous, and a daughter of the King. 

Don't forget it now and don't forget it when you're twenty-one. 

Love, 
Me 

missing out.

I think it's safe to say that I have spent a majority of my life feeling like I am missing out.

missing out on fun.

missing out on rest.

missing out on opportunities.

missing out on wisdom.

missing out on relationships.

missing out on ________ (fill in the blank)

Although I really started to notice this trend in my life this semester, I am confident that I have struggled with this for most of my life. I can remember being as young as 4 years old and wanting desperately to go get in bed because I could hardly keep my eyes open, but refusing to because I was so scared of missing out on something that my family might do without me.

Fast forward to the beginning of middle school. I remember all too vividly the night I found out I didn't get an invitation to my friends first guy/girl birthday party. I remember thinking am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? Whats wrong with her? But mom, I am missing it, THE PARTY. I cried myself to sleep that night. It was dramatic. I was eleven.

Then high school comes around and missing out all of the sudden takes on a whole new meaning. It is essentially that same gut wrenching feeling you have always felt, but now it is somehow more abstract and seems to hurt a whole lot worse. Looking back, it was in my high school years that I started to really let missing out on things define me. It wasn't just the anxiety of my family having fun without me or the agony of not getting invited to the sixth grade party of the year anymore. Now it was things like: it seems like every girl in this whole school has been asked to a dance at least once, or asked to go out on a date at least once and I've never been asked to anything. It changed from little things that made me sad to bigger things that not only made me sad, but started to define me.

Freshman year of college comes around and missing out really starts to take a toll on my body. Not just mentally but also spiritually, emotionally and even physically. College is supposed to be the "best time of your life" and yet friday night after friday night I had found myself sitting in room 315 of Collins reading yet another Karen Kingsbury novel. This didn't seem right, and I knew people were out doing things, that they had friends and had fun together. I thought things like "Why am I missing out on the college experience and what am I supposed to do differently so people will like me?"

I fought with those thoughts on and off for the better part of my freshman year. Over the past 6 months the Lord has done amazing refinement in my life. I am being taught daily that the Lord has prepared my steps and I am to be still and follow Him. My life isn't going to look like yours. It isn't going to look like my best friends and most importantly it isn't going to look like what I think it should because my life isn't my own. When I said yes to God, I said no to myself and to my sin. The cool thing is though, that the Lord has promised to withhold nothing good from me. This doesn't mean that he is going to give me what I want- it means that He is going to give me the very best. And the best might be painful- but it's still the best.

And guess what? I have great news:

When you are daily seeking the Lord and His perfect will for your life-

you haven't missed out on anything.

Thy will be done-not mine.

About a month ago one of my friends told me that I should read a book called Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, because it would rock my world. Well, I read the book and it did exactly what she said it would and even more. For those of you who don't know, the last 6 weeks of summer I spent working at a christian camp called Pine Cove, in my hometown of Tyler, Tx. I could have an entire post on all of the amazing things that the Lord did in my life and the lives of others over those 6 weeks, but that will have to wait. I mention camp though to say that the Lord began a work in my life and heart while I was there; changing my perspective on things and intensely and daily refining me. Gratefully, this perspective change and refinement didn't stop after camp and has continued to go on in my life. While at camp and specifically while reading Passion and Purity, I was convicted of my lack of faith and trust that I have in my Savior. Growing up in the church was a definite blessing in my life, but I think during that "growing up" season, I became numb to the words trust and faith. I didn't realize what it meant to have faith in the one true God. I didn't really realize what it meant to trust Him completely. However, as of late I am beginning to realize not only what that means but also and more importantly, what that looks like.

It means dying to yourself. Not just once, but every second of every day.

It means crucifying your dreams because you know that God is a better dreamer.

It means believing that if you don't get _____(fill in the blank) during this lifetime that it is more than okay, because God is not only still just and good but also enough.

It means refusing self-pity.

It means freedom.

It means joy.

It means that you live your day for the gospel and from the gospel.

"I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done." -Elisabeth Elliot

thirty before im thirty.

last year while at baylor i saw on one of my friends bulletin boards a sign that said "thirty before im thirty"... come to find out the things on the sign are the thirty things she wants to try her best to do before she turns 30. i thought this was such a cool idea and over the past semester i have been writing down the things that i want to do before im 30.

so here they are in no particular order! let me know if there's something on the list that you want to do as well and we can do it together:)

1. run a half marathon

2. scrapbook

3. learn how to cook

4. go to Africa

5. read a book that i normally wouldn't want to read

6. sacrifice something for someone else

7. go skydiving

8. teach

9. learn

10. go to Europe

11. graduate college

12. get a "big girl" job in the crazy world of social work

13. tithe regularly

14. love well

15. actually give dating a try and if God willing get married

16. try new foods

17. blog regularly

18. own a horse

19. take a spontaneous roadtrip

20. fast

21. go cliff jumping

22. buy a car on my own

23. read through the whole bible

24. stretch myself outside of my comfort zone

25. watch friends change, grow, and fall in love

26. go back-packing

27. learn how to drive a stick-shift well (i just think it would be cool.. haha)

28. live in the country...horses, a barn, dogs.. the whole shebang

29. less anxiety

30. everyday fall more in love with Jesus and let my life show it

:)

Learning through receiving.

As I was reading a blog online the other night I found a post about grace. This caught my attention because I have been learning a lot about grace through the past year in my own life. The blogger stated that if she could write six words to describe her life right now it would be...

Learning grace through receiving while failing.

I get this, because this describes this season in my life perfectly as well. Because I fail, daily. My actions don't deserve, daily, but I receive, daily. Whether it is from the Lord, my family or my friends, I feel like I am constantly receiving grace.

And sometimes that makes me mad.

Last summer when I was serving as a Baby Ruth at Pine Cove, I learned something about myself that I had never known before. It is easy for me to offer grace, but close to impossible for me to accept it. It's a selfish thing, really. I had some sick reasoning going on in my head that involved me thinking if I accepted grace from others and even from Christ Himself, that I was less of a person. I would get mad (and sometimes still do) because that's not who I am, right? I get mad that I have to fail to learn and that the failing hurts really, really bad.

Check out this verse in second Corinthians where God speaks of His grace being sufficient. (MSG translation)

...I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations... At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

My handicaps?? Anxiety, worry, control, fear of failure, fear of not being heard, fear of fill-in-the-blank.

But I know that when these handicaps cause me to fail in this world, I am picked up by His grace and I receive and learn and am sent off to take another step. I am learning and trying to put myself aside and sometimes that involves accepting grace not only from God but from those living life with me as well.

Sometimes I don't get it. Sometimes my mind and head and thoughts take over. But I am learning through receiving, which I think is the only way, really.

catching up.

It's been awhile since I last blogged so let me briefly update you on my life!!

All things important since high school graduation...

- i went to pine cove to serve as a baby ruth for 5 weeks last summer. this discipleship program literally broke me down in all of the right ways. i learned for the first time what it means to surrender your all to Christ. i learned that my life is truly not my own and my prayer ever since has been that i will never forget that or stop striving to live it out.

- i moved away from the only house and town i've ever really known and started college!! i now (obviously) live in Waco, Tx and attend Baylor University. Sic 'Em!

- i started attending the church that i now call my own, Harris Creek Baptist Church here in Waco! the community i have found there has been such an immense blessing!

- i applied for two different positions my first

semester and wasn't asked to be a part of either. this was a very humbling experience for me in which i struggled with, but i can now look back and see how God had His hand on the whole situation. it wasn't so much that the organization wouldn't be good for me or I for it, but rather that the humbling experience was just what i needed.

- i got to spend thanksgiving break and christmas break with my wonderful family and got in a lot of good reading (10 books total)... and im not a fast reader so i guess it's safe to say i had no life during that time:)

- on January 3rd, 2011 my sweet friend and mentor

, rachel mason barker had her first child, sweet baby girl Norah Rose Barker. she is so fun, beautiful, and in my opinion quite perfect. it was a wonderful day of celebration and i am so blessed that i live in Waco with them and that i am getting to watch this precious baby girl grow!!

-i came back to school early so that i could RUSH, and after a week of rushing and 6 weeks of pledging, i am proud to say that i am an official Baylor CHI OMEGA. :)

So, that pretty much sums it up!!

college has so far been a bittersweet experience for me! although lately, it has become way more sweet than bitter. my first semester i spent most of my time missing my family, my home, tyler in general, and high-school. but this semester, through chi-o and my church i have met so many amazing girls that have really challenged me to surrender my all to Christ. i still have days where my body even starts to hurt because i miss home so much--but the community that i am beginning to find here at Baylor is one that i am not only thankful for but that i need.

i am going to start blogging again, way more--so stay tuned!!!:)

i'll leave you with this quote from oswald chambers that i have been trying to soak up these past couple of weeks:

"My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace, nor even blessing, but Himself, my God."

here is a picture of my AMAZING pledge class! I adore these girls so much!:)

Matthew 20: 26-28

"Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. " -Matthew 20: 26-28

Well, one week down and four to go!

To tell you that my first week as a Baby Ruth was hard would be a complete understatement. My first week of baby ruth's was very possibly the hardest week of my whole entire life thus far. The work load is unbelievable and I have been stretched and challenged in ways i never even thought possible. I am overwhelmed with the thought of continuing on like this for the next four weeks. But I am confident that God has placed me right where He wants me. So I must move forward knowing that I must trust in Him to finish what He has begun in my heart.

I wish I could tell y'all more about my entire week, but I don't get much time off and I am just so restless. Please PLEASE continue to pray for me. I need the prayers more now than I ever have before.

I also ask that you will pray that even if the next four weeks are meant to be miserable that I will still press forward and that I will enter into God's presence confidently and often.

Thank you to those of you who sent me a letter, IT MADE MY DAY!:) ah, it was such a blessing!

Please write me if you have time-- it's something that helps me get through my many tough days!

In more of Him and less of me,

Madison