"I Finally Found Where I Belong" ... Camp&Contentment

I've had more free time on my hands lately than I have maybe ever had. I go to class in the mornings, and then I come home with practically no agenda for the rest of the day. I don't have a scheduled lunch with someone different every day, I don't have something to do for or with Chi-O at night, no lifegroup meetings or meetings to plan lifegroup, I don't have Social Work meetings, I don't have to babysit, I have very little homework... you get the picture. 

I don't think I realized how busy I am during the school year until I put myself in Waco when it's not the school year. All of a sudden I am in a physical place that I am very familiar with and yet everything is going at a much, much slower pace and it's making it seem not so familiar. I am wondering where all the people went and why they didn't warn me that I was going to have to start looking for new lunch and sonic dates... I mean come on help a girl out. 

Anyway, all of this free time has led me to a lot of reading, journaling, praying, and processing. These things are such a gift and something I am grateful the Lord saw fit to give to me this summer--regardless of whether or not I wanted it, I am realizing that I desperately need it. Today the processing continued as I started to think about my past summers and how they were spent which led me to this conclusion: 

I miss camp. 

The past 3 summers I have spent my time at Pine Cove Christian Camps in Tyler, Texas and they have easily been some of the best times of my life. It was clear that God had other plans for me this summer and was not opening the door for me to be back in this summer "home" that I have grown to know and love. However, today He did give me the gift of t i m e and I chose to use some of it reading through my journals that I kept during my 3 summers at camp. 

My first ever journal entry that was written on Pine Cove grounds came on May 30th, 2010 which was my first full day of Baby Ruths. This is what I wrote: 

"Wow. My feet already hurt so badly and it's only day ONE. So far the only thing that has been what I expected is the cleaning. I thought we would clean and we do-- a lot! But what is so very different is the way that we are being taught to worship. I thought we would be having intense bible studies and such but we aren't and I don't know if we even will. So, it's already becoming apparent to me that we are being taught to worship through our service which is really cool although I don't think I've ever actually done it. I know this is going to be hard on me because it already is. I am already tired... already! I miss home already too-- the familiarity of it all. This place is not familiar. It seems foreign and I don't feel like I belong. Lord, show me that you want me here and hold me tight." 

I couldn't help but laugh and cry as I read the words I wrote 3 years ago. I had no clue why God had brought me to a place that seemed so foreign to me and I didn't like it one bit. I laughed because I would continue to write for the next 3 summers that my feet hurt on day one of camp because they always did and I cried because I was and continue to be overwhelmed by my sweet Jesus's sovereignty and faithfulness in bringing my scared 18 year old self to Pine Cove that May day-- because it changed my life forever. 

My first summer broke me in all the ways that I didn't want to be broken in. I learned that I didn't have control and that I didn't need to. Submission is a good thing and something that started to change my heart forever. The Lord used summer 2010 to show me sin in my life that made me want to throw up and then He led me to a realization that I didn't even begin to know the kind of love and grace that He, the God I always thought I had known was offering to me. I learned that you can't help who you fall in love with but only who you hang out with--so I should choose that wisely. I learned that my actions never define my identity and I really believed for the first time sitting on the floor of the Kavarratti at the Shores, that I was Madison Humphries a daughter of THE King and that He was and is well pleased with me. 

My second summer God revealed to me a lot of lies that I was believing about myself and about His character. I learned in big ways that title, attention, and recognition do not define a person and I shouldn't let them define me. I learned that we aren't often called to great sacrifice but that we daily get the opportunity to make small ones and that those can change someone's life--even your own. I learned that folding shirts the right way is important because it's what I was asked to do. I learned that I am constantly in a battle against my flesh and that through Jesus's strength I need to put up the best fight I can to choose the Spirit. I learned that the idea of marriage had become an i d o l in my life and I laid it at the altar of Jesus for the first time in my life however certainly not the last... 

My third and final summer was probably the best. Every summer was needed, and the Lord used this final summer to teach me sweet lessons in sweet ways. I learned that God is not a dour God who discourages pleasure and He gave me unspeakable j o y. He graciously gave me the gift of community with girls who loved me in a way that I didn't even know I needed. He didn't give me what I thought I wanted but I finally allowed myself to accept the gift of Himself which is exactly what I needed and what I really wanted the whole time anyway. I learned to relax in the presence of Jesus and found security, confidence and joy in who He was creating me to be! 

If you can believe it or not, the list of things that I learned during my 3 summers at camp is even much much longer than that. 

As I sit here in Waco processing through my past 3 summers I am certainly missing camp, but I am also  content with not being there. As you read earlier, my first summer spent at camp I felt like a foreigner. I spent my days longing for the home that I knew, for the community that I knew and for the attention and love that I knew. When those things were stripped away from me I instantly became insecure and wanted to rewind and go back to what I knew would make me feel comfortable. 

I can't thank the Lord enough for not letting me rewind, for not letting me quit, and most of all for not giving me immediate gratification. He had something so so so much better than immediate gratification and it came in the form of longing, waiting, and walking through the fire of sanctification which isn't always easy but is always good. 

My first camp summer was hard but all of my camp summers combined changed my life forever. Because of camp I now know the importance of discipleship, I know myself better, I know the Gospel better, and I know better than to wish I was anywhere else than right here, right now, right where God wants me to be. 

If God was faithful then why would I doubt that He isn't being faithful now? He is the same God here in Waco, Texas on my porch as He is on the porch of the Grand Mesa in good ole' East Texas. 

So, heres to camp and all the incredible ways the Lord uses it to change peoples lives like mine, and heres to Waco in the summer-- right where He wants me to be. 

It's in His presence that I finally found where I belong. 

Will over Want...

I'm a feeler, if that makes sense. Sure, we all feel things but I really feel them. If something good happens I feel it deeply and if something bad happens I feel that deeply, too. This, like a lot of things, has both it's advantages and disadvantages. It's good for when you are wanting to show people that you truly care about them and it's bad whenever you're crying in the middle of Barnes and Noble because you just read the back cover of a Christian fiction novel... what, that doesn't happen to you? 

Anyway, you get the point. 

I have been learning a lot lately about how my tendency to feel things in such a deep way effects my walk and journey with Jesus. While it can be something that I choose to use for good, it more times than not has become a tool that I use for bad. If I am not careful my deep feelings or my deep desires become so overwhelming that I cannot see past myself... I can't see past what I want, when I want it, how I want it, and why in the world am I not getting what I want?! I have desires, passions, and dreams that I so often forget to surrender to my perfect Heavenly Father. 

This past semester I found myself caught up in a more than a little bit disgusting cycle of seeing what I want, seeing that I wasn't getting it, seeing that someone else was, and then throwing myself a pity party and demanding that God would either: 

1. Give me what I wanted

2. Take away my desire for such thing; or  

3. Explain to me why I wasn't getting it and why (whoever it was that week) was getting it. 

By the end of the semester I started getting extremely tired of simply wanting. I didn't want to want anymore. I just wanted Jesus. 

That was the answer to my problem(s). 

Yes, I desire earthly things. Many of these things aren't bad things to want BUT, I am not the author of my life and I don't get to decide when or even what gets to fill the pages of the book that is "my" life. 

Over the past month I have come to realize that there comes a point when I have to yield my wanting... and that is hard for this "feeler, adventurer, and dreamer" kind of gal. 

Elisabeth Elliot puts it way more eloquently than I ever could when she says; 

"A life lived in God is not lived on the plane of feelings, but of the will. In Scripture the heart is the will-- it is the man himself, the spring of all action, the ruling power bestowed on him by his Creator, capable of choosing and acting." 

Yes, we all have desires and wants. Trust me, I am a wanter. However I am a follower of Jesus before anything else and that requires faith which can be better defined by saying "complete trust". 

I have a perfect Father who I get to choose to trust. I have a Shepherd who I get to choose to believe is watching over me and guiding me down the path of righteousness for His namesake. I have a Savior who came to save me from the things I think that I "want". He came to save me from my lesser loves, and I, this little college girl get the grandest opportunity to choose Him. To choose life. To will myself to do His will, despite all wanting. 

I recognize that these wants and these emotions might always remain but I also recognize that they are not to rule the action. They have no authority. 

So, here's to a summer of learning more about what He wills and less about what I want. 

By the grace of God, we can will to do His will. Forget the past. Press toward the goal. 

"Your debt has been paid. Go daughters and sons, and sin no more." 

It's Trich-y.

*Disclaimer: I wrote this post two days ago but just got up enough courage to post it. I hope it is helpful to anyone who might also be fighting this particular fight!

2 years. 730 days give or take. 

That's how long it had been since I last had a bad hair pulling episode. Yes, you did read that right. Since I was 13 years old I have struggled with pulling my eyelashes out which is better known as 

trichotillomania (trich for short): the compulsive urge to pull out ones own hair. 

This struggle of mine isn't something that I normally would choose to blog about because it isn't even something that I like to talk about and if you know me at all you know that it's weird if I don't want to talk about something. However tonight after having my worst pulling episode in over 2 years I was convicted on multiple levels. 

I have been anxious about a big test that I have coming up, the fact that I got in a small (but not small enough) car wreck on Friday, and the fact that my very best friend along with other of my really great friends are leaving Waco this week and moving all across the country. You're probably thinking how in-considerate of them to go chase their dreams all around the world... and I'm like, I know I feel the same way. 

Anyway, I say that to point out and explain why the pulling began. Every person who struggles with Trich has a different story and is prompted to start pulling by different things but for me stress, anxiety and worry are the things that prompt me to pull. This doesn't mean that every time I'm stressed, worried or anxious that I start pulling but it does meant that these are the moments when I have to become more aware because it's in these times when I found myself most vulnerable to pull. 

Tonight, I sat at my desk studying and couldn't shake my anxiousness or my desire to pull. I kept putting my hands up to my eyes and eventually gave in. I knew what I was doing but I could not stop. You are probably thinking right now how can someone do this because doesn't it hurt really bad? No. It feels really good. Annoying, I know. It's a lot like biting your nails or twirling your hair but it's just not as socially acceptable. 

10 minutes or so goes by and I am finally able to snap myself out of it and that's when I realized that I now had a hole in my left eyelashes. Before I could even go to the mirror I immediately started sobbing. It was one of the worst feelings that I have had in a long time and the only thing that eventually made me calm down is when I called my dad and he calmly told me not once but probably 5 times... 

"Madison, the Lord is your Shepherd. You lack nothing."

That was when I finally able to push Satan away and think clearly. I think it is fitting that the absolute only thing that could calm me down tonight was the gospel. The reminder that I, Madison, am a daughter of a perfect Shepherd and that He is not shaken, moved or effected by my lack of eyelashes. And because my God is not shaken by it, neither am I. 

I might struggle for the rest of my life with lacking eyelashes but because of Jesus Christ I will always 

lack nothing. 

Tonight, I had my flesh and Satan as well, telling me that I am now not beautiful. That now because of my lack of eye-lashes that I am somehow less of a person-- less worthy, less wanted, less noticed, less pretty... less, less less. 

I am currently battling feelings of being ashamed. I am ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to fight off the urge. It makes me feel weak. And the thing I think I'm realizing is that feeling weak might not be such a bad thing. 

I had gone 2 years without pulling and a big part of me started to believe that I was cured from my battle with Trich. That part of me made me feel strong and accomplished. While I think it's perfectly good to feel feelings of strength and accomplishment I think it is just as equally bad and dangerous to feel as if your world is falling apart whenever the thing that makes you feel strong is taken away. 

That's what happened to me tonight. I was ripped of something that has made me feel good, strong and even worthy. I feel good and strong when I can resist the urge to pull my eyelashes out. And if I am being honest and vulnerable here (which I am), I feel more beautiful with eyelashes and even more worthy. 

So tonight the Lord chose to remind me in a hard way where my worth is. where my beauty is. and most importantly what grace is. i've been swimming in it lately. and that's okay. 

because when I am weak, my God is strong. 

and when my weakness shows... I pray that my God's strength will shine through. 

So, if you see me in the next few weeks and you see that I have a little gap where eyelashes should be I want you to think of one thing: 

Madison may be weak, but her Jesus is strong. 

because that's the reminder I am getting every time I look in the mirror. and I am actually thankful for it. 

*If you or anyone you know struggles with this hard and awful disorder PLEASE contact me! I am obviously not healed and maybe never will be but I have come a long long way from where I once was and I can now say that I have a healthy view of this disorder and practical ways to strive to not let it define you!

Happy 50th, Dad. I love you.

To Little Daddy,

Things I know to be true because of you:

1.     I’m a sparkler.

2.     I can run further than I ever thought I could.

3.     Any day can be made better just by turning on Caedmon’s Call.

4.     Anyone who can write, “Hold me Jesus” is a genius.

5.     That Baylor University is one of the best places on earth to be. I love being a Bear with you!

6.     My passion for things is good, wanted, and needed.

7.     It’s always better to choose words wisely and to hold my tongue.

8.     That the Vince Gill Christmas album will make me feel like its Christmas like nothing else can.

9.     That the Dallas Cowboys won’t be good again until Jerry is gone but that doesn’t mean we won’t support, love, and watch every single game because that’s how you be a true fan and plus, they’ll always be America’s team.

10.   That Ping Pong is fun to play and even more fun when it’s against you and Sara Evans is playing in the background.

11.  That if I ever put too many Christmas lights on my house you will forever and always call me Griswoldian.

12.  That I can ski Blacks good but Blues better (and it’s more fun).

13.  That sports are a way to bring people together and spending time and money on things that you and the people around you are passionate about is worth it and can change lives and relationships—not to mention create some of the best memories.

14.  That Dirk sings “We are the Champions” better than anyone ever has or will.

15.  That Tyler, Texas was and always will be the perfect hometown.

16.   That hard work pays off and giving away what you have earned is not only good but also necessary… you give of what you’ve earned better than anyone I know.

17.  That I am beautiful.

18.  That I am worthy of being pursued by a Godly man… (Hopefully one like you!)

19.  That I am loved. By you and mom but more importantly by my perfect Heavenly Father.

20.   That I am your daughter and that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and because of these things I am cherished, held tight, chosen, and deeply loved.

Daddy,

I would be lost without you. You speak identity and truth into me in a way that no one else does. I never feel more safe and loved than when I am with you. Thank you for all that you do for me. I am eternally grateful that the Lord would let me call you Dad and I can’t begin to explain how much I have benefited from that. I love you deeply and I cannot wait to continue to add to the list of things that you have taught me and the things that I know to be true and good because of you and the way you have loved me. You truly are the best and I am blessed to call you my little daddy. Happy 50^th! Celebrating you today and everyday.

I love you,

Little Dee 

I Conquered my Biggest Fear.

(Happy Wednesday! Since taking a break from blogging during the season of Lent, it has now been almost 2 months since I have blogged! All that to say, while I needed and even enjoyed fasting from blogging I am so excited to start writing again... Thanks for reading!) 

The past 2 or 3 weeks have been hard. I don't like admitting that because I can't point to this or that in my life and be like, "look, that's why I feel this way, okay? And can't you see that I deserve to feel like this?" Nope. It's just been one of those weeks (or 3) where good things are happening all around me and yet I feel like someone has robbed me of genuine joy. It's been the type of week(s) where you get to the end of it and look to the next week and you just know that it will get better because another thing falling apart just seems mean. Then, you get to the next week and the one thing that you were holding onto to make you feel better suddenly crumbles in your hand. Then you realize that this is it, this is the moment and moments where you can choose joy, you can choose to love, and you can choose Jesus... and yet for some reason you don't do it. You're stuck and you're beating yourself up for not being better. 

That has been my life as of late and while I normally pride myself on my ability to be vulnerable, I have been doing anything but lately. I have instead run away from almost every situation where I have had to opportunity to tell the people who love me, "Hey, I'm struggling. I don't want to be but I am." 

Yesterday morning I woke up to a note from one of my roommates that said, 

"Mads, you have been on my heart this morning. Praying that you will find peace and rest today." 

Then the same day I walk out of class to find a note on my car from one of my best friends that said,

"Mads, I want to hear about your life. I feel like you're avoiding it. Talk to me." 

I sat in my car holding the note and knew that I had a choice. I could either continue to ignore the war waging inside of my heart like I had been doing or I could let go of my selfish pride and tell someone about how I feel, about how I don't understand and how for the first time in a long time I feel like I don't have any answers for myself or anyone else and that most of all... I'm scared. 

So, by the grace of God I drove myself to my friends house who had left the note on my car, walked inside and with tears streaming down my face I admitted that something was wrong and that I didn't have an answer for myself and that I was mad about. Really mad. I felt ashamed, naked, and most of all weak. In my head I knew that I wasn't lesser of a person because I was shaken and upset but in my heart I didn't. 

She looks at me and calmly says, "Why are you so scared?... What's your biggest fear?" 

I sat there for a little while letting myself cry and then reluctantly admitting that my biggest fear was failing my friends and family... coming up short of the expectations that I want my friends to have of me. I've known for awhile that this was my biggest fear but saying it out loud made it sound even more ridiculous then it already sounded in my head. Then she said the craziest and smartest thing I think she's ever said.... 

"Mads, that's great!!! You've conquered your biggest fear! Seriously, congratulations! You've already failed me many times and look at you... you're fine! You're breathing, I'm breathing and absolutely nothing about our friendship has changed." 

I stared at her for probably 5 seconds trying to take in what she had just said and then I lost it. Not crying... laughing. Like, I went from crying to laughing so hard that I started to cry again but this time it was the good kind of tears. 

People, that is true friendship. True community. And most importantly true Grace. 

You see, I have always struggled with accepting grace. I can give it freely and easily but when someone wants to give it to me-- I refuse it. And that is not a good or honorable thing. It's a sick and selfish thing to do and I have been caught up in living this way for quite sometime. 

I want to be "perfect" for my friends because I feel like being a good friend gives me value. For most of my life I have felt like the only thing that I had to offer anyone was my friendship. If I couldn't be a perfect student or a perfect athlete or have the perfect personality then I could at least fall back on knowing that I have the ability to be the perfect friend-- and so that's what I set out to do. I wanted to be the best friend that anyone had ever had, the only problem is that I wanted to be this for everyone. My mentality began to look something like this...

Wait, you don't have a best friend? It's okay.. I can be it. It's what I'm good at. Actually, it's the only thing I'm good at. And if you need a friend then I want to be it and you can expect that I am going to be the best one you've ever had. So go ahead and have high expectations of me. All 30 of you, because I am going to meet them all!!! 

And yes, as you expected... I couldn't do it. I can't do it. 

My biggest fear over the years became failing my friends BECAUSE being a good the best friend to people became my goal. This became my goal because this is what I felt like gave me worth. You tracking with me?? Here's the deal: 

i can fail my friends b/c i am a sinner.

they will be okay b/c i am not their savior.

i can must accept grace b/c i am not jesus. 

they will love me b/c they love jesus. 

i will love them b/c i love jesus. 

& not b/c it makes me feel like i have worth.

What is it that you feel like gives you worth? If there is something that you do well and you cringe and cry and scream (ok, maybe i'm the only one?) at the thought of it being taken away then it is time to think about whether or not it is an idol in your life. 

being a good friend was and is mine. i have to start putting this at the feet of Jesus, trusting that He is going to use me and mold me how He sees fit. i must let go of my desire to control this thing that i think gives me worth. 

I invite you all to join with me in giving up the thing that you feel like makes you matter to this world FOR the only thing that does matter. the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

So.. that's the story of how i conquered my biggest fear yesterday. guess what? i conquered it again today... and chances are i'll probably do it tomorrow. 

good thing His Grace is SUFFICIENT. Amen? 

Amen. 

Things I Don't Do.

I am addicted to wanting to do everything. Not only do I want to do everything but I want to do it all well. And not only do I want to do everything well but I want to be everything to everyone. Yes, even you. I would love to come over to your house and listen to you tell me all of your problems and then tell you how to fix them. I truly do want to listen and then I truly do want you to do what I say. So sweet, right? Yeah, not so much. 

It has been a hard reality for me to accept that I cannot under any circumstance do everything well or be everything to everyone  anyone. It has been maybe an even harder reality for me to accept the fact that if I do have the opportunity to give advice to someone that they should be really careful as to listen to it because I am indeed human, fallen and often times... wrong. So with every word I say or type-- know that this is just my heart and my story. You would be wise to take my words with a grain a salt and to seek Christ and His word for all answers. 

I am currently (re) reading the book, Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. I love this book and recommend it to anyone! In a specific chapter titled, "Things I Don't Do", Shauna talks about the importance of recognizing the things that you do and the things that you don't do. She goes on to talk about how you need to know what is important to you and then know what you are willing to give up for those things. In other words, what are things that you do because you are most passionate about them and because the Lord has gifted you in those areas and then, what are the things that you don't do? Because at the end of the day, you just like me aren't Superman and can't accomplish it all. 

Things I do: 

I am a Christ follower and a slave to Him alone. Above all else, I strive to keep my faith in Christ as the center of my everything. I am the daughter of the King of Kings and I must cultivate my relationship with Him on a daily basis. I am a part of my church community and I serve on it's behalf within the church and out into the larger community of the City of Waco. 

I am a daughter, sister, roommate, and friend. I do everything that I can to nurture and grow these relationships because after my commitment to Christ these people come next. I work hard at being intentional and staying connected with these individuals because I feel called and equipped by my Heavenly Father to do so. Living and learning and simply being with these people breaths life into me and so I do friendship, I do family and I do covenant relationships. I give my time and energy and prayer to these people, trusting that the Lord will continuously reveal to me who these people are and need to be-- for I recognize that seasons are always changing. 

I am a student and I am a Chi-O. While I often times feel like I come up short in these categories, these are still things that I do and things that I am committed to. These are the things that keep me busy and things that bring me joy. Things that have taught me the importance of commitment and how you can't have true commitment without sacrifice. These things have stretched me and have molded me. For that, and for other reasons, I am thankful. 

I am a reader, a journal writer, a blogger, a runner and an adventurer. While some might say that these are things on the list that could stand to go on the days when I feel like I don't have enough time-- these are the things that give me energy and the things that make me feel closest to my sweet Jesus. So they stay. 

Things I don't do: 

I don't cook. I want to and maybe (hopefully) one day I will but as of today--I really don't. 

I don't keep my room spotless and I never make my bed. I will forever and always wonder why people make something that they are just going to un-do in mere hours? 

I don't keep up with fashion and I rarely dress cute. If you find yourself looking at me thinking that I look cute then it's a safe bet that my roommates (or Lydia) dressed me. 

I start more books than I finish and as a person who obsesses over books thats hard for me to admit.

I don't paint my nails. I don't even know how. I also don't blow dry my hair. Who has time for that? 

I don't pull all-nighters and I put my work off until the last minute. Yes, your thoughts are correct this is a recipe for disaster. If I have a project due the next day that I haven't started until the night before, 10 times out of 10 I am going to bed regardless. 

I don't like huge groups of people and I don't hang out with them if I can avoid it. 

I don't do change well... but I don't fight it anymore either. 

It's not easy to make your list of the things that you don't do. This is especially true for someone like me who refuses most of the time to admit that there actually is in fact a limit to the things that I am capable of doing.  BUT,  what I am realizing is that this list sets me free. 

When I am tempted to go try and do everything and be everything for everyone I remember this list. I remember the important things, the ones that He has so clearly called me to and so clearly given me the ability to do. I don't have the ability to do it all and that's okay, because there are other people who get to fill in the gaps that I can't fill. Thats the beauty of it all. The beauty of community. 

When someone who is hurting needs someone to listen, I can go and do. But when someone who is hurting needs cookies to make them feel better, then I accept that they want good cookies and not burnt ones and I call my Betty Crocker roommates who can quickly and joyfully deliver. 

At the end of the chapter, Shauna says this: 

"The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being." 

Be comfortable and confident in who God has made you to be and then go do the things that you can do and stop obsessing over the things that you can't do because guess what? God has someone who can do them and it doesn't have to be you or me. 

Cheers to Starvation.

My flesh has been extremely prominent in my life lately. I am aware that my flesh is always there, always begging for attention from me. However, the past couple of weeks it seems like it's been harder to quiet. It's been clingy, needy, and desperate. More times than not, I have been giving into the worldly things that help quiet my flesh down. To put it more simply, I have been choosing to feed a hungry flesh with things that only make it more hungry. And all of this has made me think a lot about something...

It's okay good to let my flesh go hungry. To refuse to give it food. To put it into a state of starvation. 

This might seem obvious, but I don't think we really grasp this. I know that I haven't and that I am still struggling to. We live in a society that tells us to satisfy our desires as quickly as possible. Rarely to we practice the discipline of waiting. We don't like the way we feel when we are having to wait for something and we definitely don't like the way we feel when we are abstaining from something that we know has satisfied us in the past. Because of this, the trend I have noticed in my own life as well as in the life of those I live the closest with, is that we just don't wait--we don't abstain simply because it doesn't feel good in the moment. Sure, we tell ourselves it isn't all about feelings but then we go on to act like it's all about feelings. We say one thing and then we let our actions tell another. This type of living is dangerous and it doesn't give much credit to the Gospel that we proclaim.

When I have weeks like the past couple that I have had, I am really tempted to follow and to feed my flesh. To even go as far as to become friends with it. Maybe even best friends.

But I must not do this. I have the fuel that I need to walk by the Spirit. I have everything that I need to choose godliness because my sweet Savior's word has said so.

2 Peter 1:3 says this: "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who has called us by His own glory and goodness". 

Faith and trust in Jesus will quiet my flesh. Faith that He will give life to this body in the same way He gave life to Christ's. It was faith in the resurrection that allowed Jesus to walk to the Cross and it's that same faith that allows me to starve my flesh. Worldly things will also quiet my flesh but only temporally and in the lamest of ways.

C.S Lewis says it way more eloquently than I ever could when he says this:

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Heres the challenge that I am giving myself and I offer it to you as well:

Choose the Spirit. Starve your flesh. 

Trust that God is your Shepherd and that He is good.  He withholds nothing good from you and He knows what you need and when you need it. 

My flesh is indeed needy and hungry. But today and everyday I get to tell my flesh that it's okay that it isn't satisfied right now. It can continue to long and can continue to be needy without me feeding it. One day in the same way that my soul is satisfied by the sweetness of my Savior, my flesh will be too. When my flesh meets Jesus face to face then it will find complete satisfaction but until that day it won't be satisfied and that's okay. 

My prayer is that I will accept this truth. Cheers to starvation.