My Proclamation

If you know me at all, or even if you have read my blog before then you know that I have spent 3 of my 4 college summers at Pine Cove Christian Camps. For all the people out there who have already stopped wanting to read this because you don't want to hear about someone else's camp experience--don't worry I'll spare you this time and this won't be a post about camp. (you're welcome!) However, one of the coolest things that PC does is that they give each of their staff a word at the end of the summer that they believe embodies who they are and how they impacted the campers and staff over the summer. It is an incredible opportunity for the leadership and resident staff of camp to speak identity into you. It is nerve racking and leaves you feeling both encouraged and challenged in the best possible way. That being said, my very first summer I was shocked when I was given the word courageous with this definition next to it:

courageous: doing what is right despite fear or risk. 

I remember sitting there holding it and becoming emotional because that summer I had felt like I was anything but courageous. I felt weak, broken, and useless. What a gift it was for me to have someone sit down with me and tell me that they saw in me something that I couldn't see. I remember telling them that I didn't at all feel courageous. I remember her looking at me and telling me that Christ had given me the ability to be very courageous, that she had seen that in me over the past 5 weeks, and that she wanted to challenge me to take this encouragement and to head into college full of gentle boldness and full of courage-- just like she knew I could. I left feeling empowered in a way that I never had before. 

Today I sat down at Common Grounds, a local coffee shop, and I thought about how un-courageous I have felt lately. I thought about how in more than just a couple areas of my life I am running away from what is right and running toward fear. I sat there and made myself think about all the ways I have been letting fear drive me and then I took myself back to that conversation in the Nada Mesa at camp. I thought about how whether I realized it then or not--I knew now that they were right. I do have the ability to be courageous. I have seen myself do it. I have seen myself at times over the last 3 years believe that I am a Godly woman who is saved by God's grace and because of that I have been able to walk into situations confidently and courageously. 

I was sad today as I recognized the insecurities and lies that I have let into my life and how because I have fed those things rather than feeding my soul with the Word that I have missed opportunities to be bold and courageous for Christ's name. I have missed out on hard conversations, conflict and community because I let fear be what drives me and not Jesus. 

When I am concerned about my fear I am saying that I am more important than that person or situation and when I am concerned with Jesus then I am confident that I can walk boldly into hard situations because He is the one leading me, guiding me, and speaking through me. 

If I want to live a life of c o u r a g e (which I do) then I have no choice but to let Jesus be my driving force, my commander, my master. If I decide that I am a better commander (gross), then I better be prepared to let fear and anxiety take over the drivers seat. 

In C.S. Lewis's book, Prince Caspian, the little girl Lucy gets lost from her brothers and sister and at last finds the Lion (Aslan) that they have been looking for. Her siblings hadn't been able to see him on other occasions and Lucy was sure that they weren't going to believe her, that she had really found him. 

This is how it goes down: 

"Now, child," said Aslan... "I will wait here. Go and wake the others and tell them to follow. If they will not, then you at least must follow me alone." 

It is a terrible thing to have to wake four people, all older than yourself and all very tired, for the purpose of telling them something they probably won't believe and making them do something they certainly won't like. "I mustn't think about it, I must just do it," thought Lucy. 

I think that is my favorite part of the story. For this anxiety prone girl, I can relate to that mindset. 

I must not think about it. I must just do it. 

I have the tendency to over-think. When I over-think I then tend to forget the simplicity of the gospel and of who Jesus is and of who He says that I am. When I over-think and over-analyze and when I go ask 20 people (not an exaggeration) of what they think I start to forget of how temporary this world and my problems are. I start to believe the lie that I am the commander and that I am in control. What a scary place to be-- and to think that my over-analyzing mind is what led me to that conclusion. 

We all need to stop over-thinking and start proclaiming what we know to be true because of the Truth that we have been given. So here's my proclamation: 

"I, Madison Mae Humphries am a daughter of the one true King. I am here on earth only temporarily and I must follow my King even if no one goes with me. I am a courageous, bold, and loving woman who has earned nothing but has been given everything she needs to proclaim His name and walk in righteousness." 

Whenever you start to over-think or when you have one of those days like mine was today when you realize that you have shifted off the narrow path, remind yourself of what your purpose is and what and Who you were made for. 

Because it certainly wasn't anxiety and it certainly wasn't fear. 

be courageous. do what is right despite fear. 

by doing this, you'll proclaim to a broken world that there is someone other than yourself that is in complete control. 

thank you, Jesus. 

The Gift of Singleness #6: "Crucify Your Dreams"

*this will be one of the last if not the last post in this series!! thanks for reading!* 

I'm a dreamer. In every single sense of the word and I have been since I was a very little girl. I can remember being as young as 5 years old and imagining my wedding day. FIVE. I can remember playing wedding with my friends where I (somehow) was always the bride and they were always the bridesmaid. I am currently paying for that (literally) as I am the one buying bridesmaid dress after bridesmaid dress. Serves me well. To all the 5 year olds out there reading this-- don't say I didn't warn you... go ahead and hand the fake veil over. You'll thank me later. But really, I know that I am not the only person who has spent their entire life dreaming dreams that aren't coming true. Life is happening all around us, but it isn't the way we thought it would be or should be and hardly ever is it when we think it should be. 

I grew up in a culture that told me to dream... and so I did. I dreamed big, crazy, and often times impossible dreams. But it was engrained in my mind forever (thank you sunday school) that nothing was impossible with Christ and so I kept on dreaming those dreams...the ones where I am the center of attention, where I am elevated instead of Christ, where I get what I want and my friends just stand by me happily although "secretly" they wish they had what I had and "secretly" that makes me even happier. I certainly do not blame sunday school for my way of thinking and for the record, I am blessed to have grown up attending SS every Sunday BUT, I think that a very important lesson went un-taught to me all those years ago. That being, that dreaming can be good and it also can be very bad. What I wish I would have known all those years ago is what dreaming outside of Christ's will and direction can do to ones body, heart, and mind. 

dream-er: "a person who lives in a world of fantasy; one who is impractical and unrealistic." 

Earlier when I said I was a dreamer--I meant it and this definition often describes me a little too well. I have spent so much time throughout my life dreaming up what I wanted the next year, month, day, and even hour to look like. If I am not actively holding my thoughts captive then I can expect my mind to start making up conversations and scenarios that will bring me satisfaction. I will "dream" of what it would be like to be liked by everyone or wanted by that person or honored for doing that or recognized for doing this. It is here where I find myself taking something as "naive" as dreaming and turning it into something that is now complicated and even sinful. I am not saying that dreaming alone is sinful but personally, dreaming has become an idol in my life that causes me to long for a world that isn't real--a world where I am elevated and Christ is not. A sick world indeed. 

This fantasy world that I often find myself living in has caused more problems in my actual REAL life than I would care to admit. When you allow yourself to dream without prayer and without open hands ready to give or to take anything that the Lord has for you, then you willingly put yourself in a very dangerous place. A place full of un-met expectations. 

Fantasy worlds make you believe that the things you see on TV or in Magazines are real and that you deserve that type of "passionate" and reckless love. Fantasy worlds make you have expectations on people that they cannot meet, and expectations on yourself that you cannot and should not meet. Fantasy worlds are full of worldly dreams that make you feel good for a fleeting moment and then leave you feeling miserable for a lot longer than that. 

Dreaming big dreams that only concerned me and my happiness led me to a belief that I wouldn't be truly satisfied with life until I had a ring on my finger and a guy who looked and acted like Prince Charming. It led me to believe lies about dating, marriage, and singleness. It led me to believe lies about what beauty is and where it comes from. It led me to believe lies about myself and it put me in a world where security, worth, and happiness was "promised" but actually ripped out from under me. 

I am PROMISED security, worth, and joy but it WILL NOT be found in fantasy world where my selfish dreams are tucked away tight. 

Consider Ruth. One of my all time favorite bible characters who I cannot relate to much yet, though I desperately desire to. Ruth walks away from everything that might give her security or worth and walks straight into a future that has absolutely no certainty or promise of earthly satisfaction. Ruth was not giving up everything in order to get Boaz. She was giving up everything in order to get Jesus. Ruth reminds me in a makes me want to jump up and down and shout from the rooftops kind of way of the call to follow Christ. Her story helps remind me of my story and how though in one way they look very different how in another they should look so very much the same. A call to die--and an obedient answer to that call. 

Ruth didn't have to dream because she trusted that God was going to direct her steps. He would dream for her and it would be well worth the wait. 

You will W A S T E your singleness and the loneliness, doubt, insecurity and everything else that comes with it if you refuse to let the pain of un-met dreams drive you into complete abandon like Ruth. You will absolutely waste it if you do anything other than put your whole heart into God's plan for your life, TRUSTING that He gives good gifts-- even if they aren't packaged the way you and your dreams thought they would be. 

There is a world waiting for you that is far better than any fantasy. One where the King of all Kings is beckoning you to come and be still, to know that He is your good Shepherd and that He wants to walk through this very real and painful world with you... bringing you true joy and peace along the way.  

Crucify your dreams--God is a way better dreamer than you could e v e r be. 

The Gift of Singleness #5: "You Can Too"

Things are changing. I recognize that things are always changing, but this summer it's been a different kind of change. I can feel my perspective on life, my deepest desires, and ultimately my very heart changing right in front of me... slowly but very consistently c h a n g i n g . 

In the beginning of May as school wrapped up I wrote down a list of things I wanted to do this summer and talked with my friends about all of the Waco adventures we were going to take and do. I was expectant and hopeful for a summer of fun, relaxation, and adventure since it was my first and last college summer where I wasn't committed to camp or work. While adventures did happen and fun was definitely had, I don't think that is what I'll look back on when I think about Summer 2013. Instead, I think my memories will be flooded with the ample amount of time I have spent with God, friends, and family processing through life, expectations, and dreams.

I'll think about the 147 road trips I took heading northbound on 35 in order to live the Dallas dream and how once I got there my weekends were full of laughter and honesty and hard conversations that made me leave knowing I was better now just because I went. 

I'll think about the nights at my house where I found myself alone yet again, and how I learned to spend that time with Jesus. I'll remember how it was awkward at first, to spend time with God at 7pm but then how it quickly became natural and the one thing I always looked forward to. 

I'll remember fasting with a good friend and how it changed us both. I'll have Summer 2013 to thank for the now knowledge that 10 days without something can change a lot more than you think it can. 

I'll remember buying a plane ticket to Portland, OR only a week before I left and how it was worth all the money I spent to get there (and more) because of that Saturday morning hammocking with my best friend. Having the opportunity to tell her face to face all the things the Lord has been teaching me this summer and then getting to listen to her challenge, encourage, and affirm me. Now I know that simply buying the plane ticket is sometimes the best choice you can make.

I'll remember the night I sat in my laundry basket (yes, my laundry basket) in the middle of my room as I told my roommate about my anxiety and fear. I'll remember how she listened in a way that made me feel known and normal. I'll remember how after we were done talking, I didn't have anxiety anymore. 

I'll remember sitting on the Suspension Bridge countless number of times reading and journaling and specifically the day I sat there and finished Bob Goff's book, "Love Does". Tears streaming down my face as I truly and finally rested in the height and depth of Christ's love for me. 

I'll remember how God laid on my heart to write a blog series on singleness and how He has used it to remind me of Truth, to dig deep into scripture, and to shatter any expectations I had left...

Since starting this blog series I have thought a lot about singleness, dating, and marriage. Partly because I have been wanting to seek out Truth and wisdom for the blog and partly because God has chosen to lead me into conversations that are focused around these topics, while jointly leading my heart in a direction toward these topics as well. The craziest part about this entire thing is that while I felt the Lord's leading in writing a series on singleness that is not at all what He has been teaching me about this summer. While I have been rambling on about the single life (that I know well) He has been nudging me and asking me the question, 

"So if d a t i n g is in your future will you still choose to trust Me then?" 

I like what I know. If I know you, I like you and the more I get to know you the more I like you. I am like this in almost every area of my life and this summer God has revealed to me that I am like this with my singleness. 

I know what it's like to be single. I know how to live the single life "wrong" and I know how to live it "right". My head tells me that I know how to navigate through life being single because that is the only way I have ever navigated through. So, with this knowledge comes the tendency as always for me, to cling to whatever "it" is, because at least I know that "it" has brought satisfaction in my life in the past. 

i am of little faith. 

See... It's one thing to say that I want to date someone but a whole other thing for me to actual do it. Just like for many of you it is one thing to say that you want to accept singleness but a whole other thing to actually do it-- willingly at that.   

What I am learning is that life isn't so much about my marital status. 

Instead of living in fear of never getting married, or living in fear of getting married what if we just started living for today--as it came??? If today brings singleness, then glory to God. If today brings a dating relationship that is honoring to Him, glory to God. If today brings marriage, glory to God. 

 Our lives are meant to be offerings poured out for Jesus and our goal is sanctification that brings us to look more like Him. BREAKING NEWS: we can do that single or married. 

Marriage is sanctifying (says every married person I've ever met) AND singleness is sanctifying. 

You do not and must not wait for something else to come in your life to start letting yourself lean into sanctification. Shame on me for clinging to what I think I have become good at (singleness) and shame on you if you are resisting something that is meant to BE good for you (could be singleness or marriage). 

I feel like most of us (I am president of this club) spend our time responding to the "maybes" of tomorrow instead of living in TODAY. 

Today my friends, I am called to singleness. However, I must not put all of my eggs in this singleness basket because I don't know when it will break. Just as I must not put all of my eggs in the relationship basket, if one is to come, because I won't know when that will break either. God's basket is the only one I can trust and I'm starting to learn that He wants all of my eggs so that He can care for them in the best way possible... handing them to me as gifts when He sees fit. 

 I cannot live today in fear of what tomorrow may or may not bring because I may or may not even be here tomorrow. 

This summer is turning out to be a lot like what I think the rest of my life will be like-- not at all what I planned and way better because of it. 

I am learning in big, huge, hard, and beautiful ways this summer that no matter what my marital status is...  

I can trust Jesus with my heart. 

you can too. 

Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breath in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. 

Do not be future. Be now. -Kyle Lake 

10 Things.

Someone asked me the other day, “What are you most looking forward to about your senior year?” I sat there and had a hard time coming up with just one thing. I am excited about every single detail except for that huge always-obvious one that this is my last year here. I am happy that it’s not a year of firsts because those kind of years are the hardest for me but I sat there heavy hearted because while it isn’t going to be a year of firsts it is going to be a year of lasts in a place that I have grown to love and call home—and at this point that sounds a little worse then starting from the beginning. That’s when it hit me, I knew what I was most excited about and I proceeded to say,

“I can’t wait to live college with the perspective I have now. It took me a long time to realize that college isn’t my whole life but rather just a phase of life and that has started to change everything. I want to do everything bigger and better with as much passion and integrity as I can. I love this place and these people and I am just grateful and relieved that I still have one year left to live the college dream with this perspective. So that’s no doubt what I am looking forward to most.”

This has made me start thinking a lot about what I wish I would have known that August day as I moved myself into Collins 315. I don’t know if someone had told me these things that I would have listened or believed them (b/c I know people did tell me!) but regardless I want to share with anyone who might be entering college this year what I would do to make sure I am making the most of this awesome phase of life! Whether you’re entering your Freshman year or your Senior year like myself, I think these are must do’s during college!

headed to my first Baylor game as a student! 

(This post is specifically for Baylor people since that is the college experience that I am having however I am sure a lot of these can be true for any school/town you find yourself in!)

10 Must Do’s While Living Your (Waco) College Dream:

10.  Hop on the “I love Baylor” Train: Yep, that’s right… go Baylor crazy. This is something that I did not fully do until I was a sophomore and I really regret it. I remember that I never went to anything during welcome week because I thought that I wouldn’t have fun and that it was lame to do those kinds of things. NO, I WAS LAME. It is important to take pride in the school that you are attending because taking pride in something will help you to feel ownership over it. Baylor is great and you should feel proud to call yourself a bear.  Get out of your dorm room… paint yourself green and gold, don’t take yourself too seriously and go drink Dr. Pepper floats. They’re good and not to mention, FREE.

9. Knock on Doors and Keep Yours Open: Again, something that I didn’t do well my freshman year. I spent my entire first semester of college convinced that I was going to forever and always hate all things college. Everything started to change the day I decided I would just get over myself enough to go knock on a girl’s door that lived down the hall from me. Her name was Mary Burton and 3 years later we are roommates who share everything from a bathroom to clothes and dry shampoo-- the only difference now is that instead of knocking on each other’s doors we just walk right in…

me and Mary Burton junior year. 

8. Eat Food with People: It sounds simple (and it is) however as I look back on my first 3 years of college some of my best memories are while I have been gathered around some type of table, eating some type of food, with some type of people. It doesn’t necessarily matter where you’re eating or what you’re eating but more of whom you are doing it with.  Make sure you eat meals with people who are your best friends and people who are strangers. Gathering around a table is an easy and perfect way to get to know people! Some of Waco’s best food places are: Food For Thought, Vitecks, Cupps, La Fiesta, Buzzard Billy’s, D’s Mediterranean, Poppa Rollos, Taco Z, and more—go to these and then go find some of your own favorites!

7. Study and Skip Class: Now every parent reading this hates me but I’ll explain myself. Study… hard. And skip class… occasionally. The great thing about college is that your classes are almost always packed full of valuable information and you don’t want to miss it! However you also don’t want to miss fun chances to go make memories with friends and sometimes just doing something while class is going on will automatically make it more fun and more memorable. So… study hard, check your schedules and skip class every once in awhile on a day when it is safe to do so. Remember to enjoy your freedom but also make sure you don’t abuse it.

6. Serve and Strive for Self- less- ness: College is a time in life when it is extremely easy to make everything all about you. Don't do it. You will be able to decided what you want to get involved in, who you want to hang out with, where you want to eat, and ultimately how you want to live. That's a lot of you's. If you are a believer in Christ, don't let the freedom of college let you forget about your calling and purpose in every stage of life. If you only think about yourself for 4 straight years I promise you will look back with a feeling of emptiness and waste. Serve in order to rid yourself of yourself. 

5. Make a Baylor Bucket List: This is something that I did my Junior year and I so wish I would have created it earlier! I have found that my bucket list is one of the best things I have done in college. It has helped me explore Waco and find some of my favorite places. Not to mention, it has created some of the best memories for me and my friends who are always quick to join on my crazy adventures! Some things on my list include: hammock on the suspension bridge, travel to Buc-ees, kayak down the brazos, rent a tandem bike, memorize Romans 12, eat with President Starr, crash a high school Prom, eat at the head table in Brooks, climb the climbing wall at the SLC, go to a drive in movie, Karaoke, run the bearathon, go to the top of the ALICO, jump off the suspension bridge, sleep in Collins as a senior, and more! 

crossing Buc-ees off the bucket list. 

4. Be Purposeful with Your Summers: One of the coolest things about college is the different ways you can spend your summers! Whether you choose to study abroad, go on a mission trip, work at camp or stay in Waco to take class-- be purposeful with it. When I look back on my 4 summers in college I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I chose to spend 3 summers at Pine Cove Christian Camps where my faith was tested, refined, and deepened. This summer I have spent in Waco and have learned that I can be just as refined and challenged here as I was at camp. It's less about where you are and more about what you choose to do with the extra time you have. But if you have the chance to do something like camp or travel-- do it. You won't regret it! 

camp 2012

3. Find Solitude to Study Gods Word and Yourself: Everyone tells you (and I think it's true!) that you will never have as much time as you do in college. Will you be busy? Yes, you will be BUT you will still have more time then you will when you have a job and family. Spend time your first year of college practicing how to time-manage and when you do make sure you allow time for solitude and self-evaluation! College is a perfect time to process through hurts, habits, and hang ups. Find your strengths and your weaknesses. Study scripture, journal, and process. Find a place where you can be alone and dig into the silence.This has been one of the best best best things about college for me. Some places where I have found solitude in Waco include: Cameron Park, Lake Waco, the Garden of Contentment on campus, the porch at my house and even my car! 

the garden of contentment with lyd. 

2. Stories: Read them, write them, and create them! I challenge all of you to read books you wouldn't normally read, write about things that you wouldn't normally want to see put on paper (ex: sin, fears, dreams, etc.) and finally create stories that you are going to want to share with your kids! This is the part where you make your bucket list come to life... 

( and finally... drumroll) 

1. Lean into Conflict and Community: If you are thinking that you are going to be getting away from conflict by leaving your family home and coming to college you are (thankfully) w r o n g. College (and especially Baylor!) will provide you with some of the best community that you will ever have which will in turn provide you with some of the best conflict you've ever had. Don't run away from this because if you do you will never taste how sweet community can actually be. Let your friends fail you and then choose to love them anyway AND let yourself fail your friends and let them show you how they aren't going anywhere. S/O to all 4 of my roommates and Lydia Pettit for showing me that conflict isn't just good but needed. Love is a lot better when you know that it was and is a choice. 

the aspen hottiez (roommates)

Rebecca, Jana and I did accountability together this past year. 

these girls love me better than most. 

If you're just about to start college, welcome aboard. Get ready for the best 4 year journey you could ever imagine... full of growth, laughter, failure, dreams, tears, refinement, and the very best community. 

get excited. 

and as always, 

sic 'em bears.  

The Gift of Singleness #4: The Pain of Rejection

I remember the day all too well. I can't remember the exact date though I know it was during Christmas break of 2011. I had just gotten home from a ski trip and my best friend and I were spending the afternoon together celebrating her engagement that had just happened a week or so before. We were in the car stopped at the intersection of Rieck Rd and Broadway in Tyler. I remember sitting there and her joyfully telling me, "Hey, I think me and Daniel picked a date for the wedding! October 13th, 2012!" I can't remember if I said anything right after she said that but what I do remember is a few seconds later and I (out of nowhere) started to cry...hard. It's probably every girls dream that when she tells her best friend that she picked her WEDDING date that they start sobbing... right? No, nightmare. I sat there looking at her and did my very best to vocalize how I felt, saying... 

"I'm happy I promise, it's just that on October 13th you get a new best friend but I don't and that's hard for me" 

She looked at me and started to cry also not because she felt bad for me but because she knew that it was true. It wasn't a bad thing-- it was a good thing but it was change. And in that moment she did the very best thing that she could have ever done for me. She cried alongside her "run away from change as fast as you can" best friend and let me know without using words that I was right, she was getting a new best friend but that it was going to be okay and she wasn't going anywhere. 

All of life brings different types of rejection. You can feel rejection from a group of people, a job, a school, a church, a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, singleness and even change in other peoples marital status. Singleness in particularly can make someone feel rejection in a deep way. I like to imagine that singleness a lot of times can feel like you're back in middle school waiting to see if you're going to get picked by someone for the flag football team. And if you do get picked how many rounds is it going to take until they call your name and is it going to be the team (person) you wanted to join?! 

It's embarrassing to admit that singleness sometimes feels like that middle school playground but I think all too often that's exactly what it feels like and it's not a good feeling. All of a sudden you have something that was intended to be fun and good (the "football" game which is representing dating just incase you're missing it) but instead of actually starting the game, you have a whole lot of insecure people standing in a field wondering why all of these other people don't see them as worthy of being on their team. It doesn't feel good to not get picked for a team and it also doesn't feel good to pick someone for your team who then tells you, "Sorry but I don't think I want your team." 

r e j e c t i o n  sucks. 

I wish that there was a better way of putting it but when it comes right down to it-- rejection does suck. BUT, like most things, what we choose to do with rejection can not only change our moods but it can change our lives in a powerful way. You and I are both broken people and we are created to have identity, worth, and affirmation spoken into us but we are not designed to have these things spoken into us by humans. 

Jesus asked the Pharisees this question:  "How can you believe (or be satisfied with God), when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?" -John 5:44 

God is the ONLY one who has the ability to speak identity into you in such a way that it secures who you are. If you are allowing a fallen human being to try and do such a thing then you are hurting both yourself and that person. Don't try and give humans the power to give you value when that power belongs to Christ alone. 

Fab Sharford says this: "The key to satisfaction in Him is two-fold; not receiving your worth from the words of man, and seeking it from God. The pain we experience in singleness occurs because the first condition has been met. Now, the challenge is to let go of my desire to seek out and try to secure that affirmation from humans and instead seek my affirmation from God." 

Here's (in my opinion) one of the best thing about singleness: It often times forces you into a place where you aren't getting humans approval or affirmation. This puts you in a hard but perfect place to practice the discipline of seeking affirmation from God alone-- for He is the only one who can truly give it to you anyway. 

While you might not be getting picked for the team or you might have people telling you that they don't want to be apart of your team know this: 

*If you are taking this rejection and giving it to Christ, allowing Him to fill the aching fear and insecurity that has come from it then your reward is going to be great. You will have a deeper knowledge of Christ's goodness, deeper faith, and deeper satisfaction from our Lord and Savior. *

And people, lets wake up to the reality that there is NOTHING BETTER THAN THAT!! 

Heres the coolest part about the story I told you at the beginning of this post: 

You see after that Christmas break I began to pray that the Lord would take away any insecurity, jealousy, bitterness or envy that had come about in my heart with knowing that Emma would be getting married soon because first off having those things in my heart is bad and secondly, I wanted to be able to have true j o y for my main gal on her most favorite day. Not only would she be gaining another best friend but I would forever and always come after Daniel now. While I wanted that for her and Daniel and I desperately wanted them to walk into a healthy marriage covenant, it was still hard for me to swallow that while Emma was still my number one that after that day I wouldn't and shouldn't ever be her number one again. So, I prayed. I knew that God cared about every negative feeling I felt and I decided that I would believe that He cared to change those feelings as well. And guess what... 

He did! He changed them. All of them. It to this day is one of my most treasured journeys with my King! How sweet is His love to care enough for me that He wouldn't just change my feelings but that He would place in me a strong and true realization and belief that on that day Emma gained a husband but that she didn't gain the best thing-- for she had already had the best thing for a long long time and I had it too. She was now no more whole than I was. God knew that she needed Daniel starting October 13th, 2012 and God knew that I needed singleness. I trust that He knows and will provide for the day when I need a relationship with a man who fears Him to bring me into a better relationship with Him. 

 October 13th, 2012 

(didn't turn out so bad after all) 

When you give God the pain of your rejection you are allowing Him to turn that pain into good, good things. Proof of those good things is found in the picture above through the joy on our faces on that good, good day. 

Gods love is > the pain of rejection 

rest secure and go have fun while your friends get hitched!  

The Gift of Singleness #3: "Messy"

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships that I have had with different guy friends and the relationships that my family, friends and complete strangers have had with "friends" of the opposite sex and/or actual boyfriends and girlfriends. That being said, one common theme i have noticed is that most (if not all) of them tend to be pretty...

messy. 

It seems that no matter what city I go to or how old or what gender the person is that I talk to-- they have a story where they have tried at relationships that have ended in failure or maybe even success but somewhere along the way they ended up manipulating, hurting, and dis-respecting that other person. You're like, well duh Madison we are a fallen and disgusting people. This is true... but I haven't been able to stop thinking about what we could do to start bettering our relationships. How can we better serve our friends of the opposite sex? How can we treat them in a way that points them to Jesus instead of to ourselves? How can we act in a way that allows them the freedom of giving Christ attention instead of forcing them to give it to us? In different ways, guys and girls alike are guilty of demanding that the attention, affirmation, and recognition from anyone and everyone is put on them.

i am guilty. and i want to fight this selfishness like my life depends on it-- because i think it does. 

I am guilty of: 

- putting guys and attention from them before my pursuit of Christ and the pursuit of my friends
- wanting other people to put me before their pursuit of Christ and the pursuit of their friends
- manipulating situations into being the way I want them to be-- without regard of whats best for others
- believing that my worth and/or satisfaction can come from someone or something outside of Jesus.
- demanding attention, approval, and affirmation for my own self-worth. 

... and a lot of other just as disgusting and disturbing things as well.

When these are the things that my heart is chasing after than it is no wonder at all that I can sometimes find myself in messy relationships. If you're in a messy relationship currently, then you too might be being an awful lot more selfish then you would want or care to admit. It's okay. I've been there and so has every other person you've ever met... but how about we don't stay there? I can't stop thinking  about how different my community would be if myself and the others I am around started to strive for Godliness in all areas of our lives including the area that involves dealing with relationships with the opposite sex.

I used to think that I didn't have the responsibility of serving men since I didn't have a particular man who I was in a romantic relationship with to serve. I was more wrong than I could have ever known. I need to constantly be serving and loving the guys that I find in my life in the way that they need their sisters in Christ to serve and love them. They need to be shown that they are appreciated, respected, and needed. They need to know that we, as Godly women respect their boundaries and that they don't have to take on the pressure of fulfilling any of our needs because we are confident that they can't meet them anyway and they shouldn't have to try. (One day if we are in a marriage covenant then we will be able to have expectations of a man and God will use him to complement us and to make us better but until then it is important to be careful how much expectation we as women put on guys). We need to love them in a way that relays to them that they are desired but that they can't complete us or make us feel true satisfaction so they don't have to try.  Just as we as woman are called to love our guy friends in this way, guys too are called to love and to serve their sisters in Christ.

As I am in a season of singleness, I am starting to tackle what this type of love will look like for me. Not just how I will love my guy friends but how will I love a l l of my friends and all people.

I recently found this definition for agape love:

a g a p e : The love of God or Christ for humankind; unselfish love of one person for another without sexual implications; brotherly love; a love feast. 

< Agape love is the kind of love that I  am striving to have overflowing out of my life. Agape love is all about self- denial rather than self-fulfillment-- it is focused on giving rather than receiving and it is they type of love that people are longing for. > 

agape love is what Christ offers you and what Christ has allowed us the privilege of offering to other people. 

"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples" - John 13:35 

Our relationships often times are messy but hear me when I say that they don't have to be. If we can become intentional and passionate about loving one another with AGAPE love then I think we will find ourselves in less messy relationships and in more healthy ones-- the kind that point others and ourselves back to Christ and back to the Gospel. 

When striving to love others in this kind of way remember these things: 

1. You have been given everything you need for Godliness (2nd Peter 1:3) 

2. No matter what-- you are called to love. Don't wait for a spouse before you start to love. Love now. 

3. While m e s s y relationships might satisfy you for a moment-- they will never bring true fulfillment. 

I recently read that if you are craving bread that it actually means your body needs protein and if you're craving sweets that your body needs calcium. The point of this was to show us that the things we crave aren't the things we are actually hungry for.

 If today you are craving messy relationships that will bring you affirmation, status, recognition and  momentary satisfaction then hold off on your cravings trusting that it isn't what you are actually hungry for. 

you are hungry for Christ and He desperately wants to fill your deepest longings, just as I believe He wants to fill mine. Let Him into all parts of your life and let Him make you 

n e w.

"Wash me in the water of the Word. Lay me on the alter of Your will. Present me blameless, without blemish, Holy Bride. Lord, purify Your Bride" -Shane and Shane- 

The Gift of Singleness #2: Loneliness

Over the past week I have often wanted to sit down at my computer and start the daunting post on dealing with "loneliness" in the singleness series. Most days I have been too busy to take time out to write and other days when I have had a block of time I would sit down and try to type yet my fingers wouldn't move. I knew that this particular post would be one of my harder ones to write and I am praying that the Lord will speak through me and that I won't write a single word that isn't beneficial. Know this: A big part of me wants to write this and not even mention that loneliness is something that I still struggle with but then I would be lying. So know that this post is for me just as much as it is for you-- maybe more. 

I am one of those girls who started writing in a journal to her future husband at the age of 16. And if no one else does that than I am l i t e r a l l y that girl who started writing in a journal to her husband at age 16. I go through seasons where I like to write in it a lot and then I go through seasons where a whole year has past and I haven't even touched the journal. The year(s) where I don't even touch the journal are normally the seasons where I am convinced that a husband doesn't exist and if I already have to be  the girl who writes to a man she doesn't even know then I definitely don't want to be the girl who writes to a man who doesn't even exist. Today, I opened it and started to read through past entries. 

April 19th, 2012, I wrote this: 

"I am beyond tired of saying that all I want to do with my life is pursue Christ and live out anything He desires for me yet what I am actually doing is wanting to play the role of God myself and manipulate things to be how I want them to be and then wanting God to bless my plans. It's sickening. No, I don't know if you actually exist. Marriage may not be God's best for me and if it isn't then I can boldly say that I don't want it. I know that it's okay to desire marriage but marriage cannot and will not be what I pursue or chase after. So, if you are reading this then I guess that means you did end up existing and I am grateful. Know that you are one of His greatest gifts to me but you're not the best one. I am whole and complete in Christ and He alone is my satisfaction and joy."

As shown in the journal entry above, during that season of life I was finding myself caught up in worldly desires and came to a point where I was "beyond tired" and completely "sick" of myself and my selfish tendencies to choose this world over my Savior. Unfortunately, this is a "season" that I often find myself in. 

I have found that almost every time I am choosing myself and my ways over Christ and His ways it is because I have let myself believe the lie that I am lonely. Being lonely makes me feel un-loved, un-wanted and un-known which are 3 of my biggest fears. I learned a year or two ago that when I am lonely I immediately try to fix it. I seek out anything and anyone who can try and fill this gap and who can reassure me that I am indeed loved, wanted, and known. I began to realize that this "loneliness" was causing me to manipulate situations into becoming what I wanted them to be and I was gripping "my" life with two very clinched fists refusing to open them up. 

I don't think that being lonely is a sin but I do think that what you do with your loneliness matters more than a lot of people think. How you live in the midst of loneliness can result in you either glorifying Christ or could result in you revealing to a broken, fallen and definitely lonely world that your Jesus isn't enough and that He isn't involved, loving, and sovereign. 

This does not mean that we must put on masks and tell people that everything is okay when it isn't just so that the world doesn't think we are lonely. No, not in the least. It means that we go and tell people that we are lonely, why we are lonely and then what we are going to do to walk this path of loneliness in a way that can bring glory to our Heavenly King. 

Consider Israel's wilderness experience found in Deuteronomy 8. While God was offering the Israelites manna (supernatural food) all they were craving is what they had once known satisfied them and what they thought would satisfy them again which was the food that they had in Egypt. If God had given them what they naturally craved then they would have never learned to eat manna which is bread that came down from Heaven and they would have never entered into this new, and better land that the Lord was leading them into. God made the Israelites hungry on purpose in order to find out if they had it in their hearts to obey Him and to trust Him. He did this as a loving Father. "The Lord your God was discipling you as a father disciplines his son" (Deuteronomy 8:5). 

Therefore, it is evident that the Lord disciplines us. He often times, like He did with the Israelites, will allow us to long for something that we cannot have in order to reveal to us what He wants us to have which is always way better anyway. 

So if you are finding yourself on a path of loneliness whether it has to do with singleness or not, take heart that God is still with you, never once forsaking you. 

It's okay to be lonely but it's not okay to dwell in it and to have self-pity. Refuse self-pity absolutely. I have often times  always found that when I refuse self pity I am more able to see Christ's goodness and His hand in my life--even in the little things. 

As you long for things, whatever they may be, don't let it get in the way of your ministry. Join with me  in a challenge where every time you are find yourself lonely or wishing that someone was loving you turn it around and love others. Everyone and anyone. Don't just love those who you want to love you back but be intentional about praying for the Lord to reveal to you who He wants you to show love to. 

My guess is that changing our perspective on this will help change our seasons of loneliness into seasons of purpose, joy, hope and fulfillment.  

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." -Jim Elliot

and as Bob Goff says:  Love God, Love People, Do stuff. 

even if you're lonely.

He is good and He will provide.