The Gift of Singleness #3: "Messy"

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships that I have had with different guy friends and the relationships that my family, friends and complete strangers have had with "friends" of the opposite sex and/or actual boyfriends and girlfriends. That being said, one common theme i have noticed is that most (if not all) of them tend to be pretty...

messy. 

It seems that no matter what city I go to or how old or what gender the person is that I talk to-- they have a story where they have tried at relationships that have ended in failure or maybe even success but somewhere along the way they ended up manipulating, hurting, and dis-respecting that other person. You're like, well duh Madison we are a fallen and disgusting people. This is true... but I haven't been able to stop thinking about what we could do to start bettering our relationships. How can we better serve our friends of the opposite sex? How can we treat them in a way that points them to Jesus instead of to ourselves? How can we act in a way that allows them the freedom of giving Christ attention instead of forcing them to give it to us? In different ways, guys and girls alike are guilty of demanding that the attention, affirmation, and recognition from anyone and everyone is put on them.

i am guilty. and i want to fight this selfishness like my life depends on it-- because i think it does. 

I am guilty of: 

- putting guys and attention from them before my pursuit of Christ and the pursuit of my friends
- wanting other people to put me before their pursuit of Christ and the pursuit of their friends
- manipulating situations into being the way I want them to be-- without regard of whats best for others
- believing that my worth and/or satisfaction can come from someone or something outside of Jesus.
- demanding attention, approval, and affirmation for my own self-worth. 

... and a lot of other just as disgusting and disturbing things as well.

When these are the things that my heart is chasing after than it is no wonder at all that I can sometimes find myself in messy relationships. If you're in a messy relationship currently, then you too might be being an awful lot more selfish then you would want or care to admit. It's okay. I've been there and so has every other person you've ever met... but how about we don't stay there? I can't stop thinking  about how different my community would be if myself and the others I am around started to strive for Godliness in all areas of our lives including the area that involves dealing with relationships with the opposite sex.

I used to think that I didn't have the responsibility of serving men since I didn't have a particular man who I was in a romantic relationship with to serve. I was more wrong than I could have ever known. I need to constantly be serving and loving the guys that I find in my life in the way that they need their sisters in Christ to serve and love them. They need to be shown that they are appreciated, respected, and needed. They need to know that we, as Godly women respect their boundaries and that they don't have to take on the pressure of fulfilling any of our needs because we are confident that they can't meet them anyway and they shouldn't have to try. (One day if we are in a marriage covenant then we will be able to have expectations of a man and God will use him to complement us and to make us better but until then it is important to be careful how much expectation we as women put on guys). We need to love them in a way that relays to them that they are desired but that they can't complete us or make us feel true satisfaction so they don't have to try.  Just as we as woman are called to love our guy friends in this way, guys too are called to love and to serve their sisters in Christ.

As I am in a season of singleness, I am starting to tackle what this type of love will look like for me. Not just how I will love my guy friends but how will I love a l l of my friends and all people.

I recently found this definition for agape love:

a g a p e : The love of God or Christ for humankind; unselfish love of one person for another without sexual implications; brotherly love; a love feast. 

< Agape love is the kind of love that I  am striving to have overflowing out of my life. Agape love is all about self- denial rather than self-fulfillment-- it is focused on giving rather than receiving and it is they type of love that people are longing for. > 

agape love is what Christ offers you and what Christ has allowed us the privilege of offering to other people. 

"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples" - John 13:35 

Our relationships often times are messy but hear me when I say that they don't have to be. If we can become intentional and passionate about loving one another with AGAPE love then I think we will find ourselves in less messy relationships and in more healthy ones-- the kind that point others and ourselves back to Christ and back to the Gospel. 

When striving to love others in this kind of way remember these things: 

1. You have been given everything you need for Godliness (2nd Peter 1:3) 

2. No matter what-- you are called to love. Don't wait for a spouse before you start to love. Love now. 

3. While m e s s y relationships might satisfy you for a moment-- they will never bring true fulfillment. 

I recently read that if you are craving bread that it actually means your body needs protein and if you're craving sweets that your body needs calcium. The point of this was to show us that the things we crave aren't the things we are actually hungry for.

 If today you are craving messy relationships that will bring you affirmation, status, recognition and  momentary satisfaction then hold off on your cravings trusting that it isn't what you are actually hungry for. 

you are hungry for Christ and He desperately wants to fill your deepest longings, just as I believe He wants to fill mine. Let Him into all parts of your life and let Him make you 

n e w.

"Wash me in the water of the Word. Lay me on the alter of Your will. Present me blameless, without blemish, Holy Bride. Lord, purify Your Bride" -Shane and Shane- 

The Gift of Singleness #2: Loneliness

Over the past week I have often wanted to sit down at my computer and start the daunting post on dealing with "loneliness" in the singleness series. Most days I have been too busy to take time out to write and other days when I have had a block of time I would sit down and try to type yet my fingers wouldn't move. I knew that this particular post would be one of my harder ones to write and I am praying that the Lord will speak through me and that I won't write a single word that isn't beneficial. Know this: A big part of me wants to write this and not even mention that loneliness is something that I still struggle with but then I would be lying. So know that this post is for me just as much as it is for you-- maybe more. 

I am one of those girls who started writing in a journal to her future husband at the age of 16. And if no one else does that than I am l i t e r a l l y that girl who started writing in a journal to her husband at age 16. I go through seasons where I like to write in it a lot and then I go through seasons where a whole year has past and I haven't even touched the journal. The year(s) where I don't even touch the journal are normally the seasons where I am convinced that a husband doesn't exist and if I already have to be  the girl who writes to a man she doesn't even know then I definitely don't want to be the girl who writes to a man who doesn't even exist. Today, I opened it and started to read through past entries. 

April 19th, 2012, I wrote this: 

"I am beyond tired of saying that all I want to do with my life is pursue Christ and live out anything He desires for me yet what I am actually doing is wanting to play the role of God myself and manipulate things to be how I want them to be and then wanting God to bless my plans. It's sickening. No, I don't know if you actually exist. Marriage may not be God's best for me and if it isn't then I can boldly say that I don't want it. I know that it's okay to desire marriage but marriage cannot and will not be what I pursue or chase after. So, if you are reading this then I guess that means you did end up existing and I am grateful. Know that you are one of His greatest gifts to me but you're not the best one. I am whole and complete in Christ and He alone is my satisfaction and joy."

As shown in the journal entry above, during that season of life I was finding myself caught up in worldly desires and came to a point where I was "beyond tired" and completely "sick" of myself and my selfish tendencies to choose this world over my Savior. Unfortunately, this is a "season" that I often find myself in. 

I have found that almost every time I am choosing myself and my ways over Christ and His ways it is because I have let myself believe the lie that I am lonely. Being lonely makes me feel un-loved, un-wanted and un-known which are 3 of my biggest fears. I learned a year or two ago that when I am lonely I immediately try to fix it. I seek out anything and anyone who can try and fill this gap and who can reassure me that I am indeed loved, wanted, and known. I began to realize that this "loneliness" was causing me to manipulate situations into becoming what I wanted them to be and I was gripping "my" life with two very clinched fists refusing to open them up. 

I don't think that being lonely is a sin but I do think that what you do with your loneliness matters more than a lot of people think. How you live in the midst of loneliness can result in you either glorifying Christ or could result in you revealing to a broken, fallen and definitely lonely world that your Jesus isn't enough and that He isn't involved, loving, and sovereign. 

This does not mean that we must put on masks and tell people that everything is okay when it isn't just so that the world doesn't think we are lonely. No, not in the least. It means that we go and tell people that we are lonely, why we are lonely and then what we are going to do to walk this path of loneliness in a way that can bring glory to our Heavenly King. 

Consider Israel's wilderness experience found in Deuteronomy 8. While God was offering the Israelites manna (supernatural food) all they were craving is what they had once known satisfied them and what they thought would satisfy them again which was the food that they had in Egypt. If God had given them what they naturally craved then they would have never learned to eat manna which is bread that came down from Heaven and they would have never entered into this new, and better land that the Lord was leading them into. God made the Israelites hungry on purpose in order to find out if they had it in their hearts to obey Him and to trust Him. He did this as a loving Father. "The Lord your God was discipling you as a father disciplines his son" (Deuteronomy 8:5). 

Therefore, it is evident that the Lord disciplines us. He often times, like He did with the Israelites, will allow us to long for something that we cannot have in order to reveal to us what He wants us to have which is always way better anyway. 

So if you are finding yourself on a path of loneliness whether it has to do with singleness or not, take heart that God is still with you, never once forsaking you. 

It's okay to be lonely but it's not okay to dwell in it and to have self-pity. Refuse self-pity absolutely. I have often times  always found that when I refuse self pity I am more able to see Christ's goodness and His hand in my life--even in the little things. 

As you long for things, whatever they may be, don't let it get in the way of your ministry. Join with me  in a challenge where every time you are find yourself lonely or wishing that someone was loving you turn it around and love others. Everyone and anyone. Don't just love those who you want to love you back but be intentional about praying for the Lord to reveal to you who He wants you to show love to. 

My guess is that changing our perspective on this will help change our seasons of loneliness into seasons of purpose, joy, hope and fulfillment.  

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." -Jim Elliot

and as Bob Goff says:  Love God, Love People, Do stuff. 

even if you're lonely.

He is good and He will provide. 

The Gift of Singleness #1: Singleness... A Gift???

Sixth grade is the earliest memory I have of wanting a boyfriend. I was at Jan-Kay Ranch for my church's annual summer camp and I can vividly remember a boy telling me that he liked my best friend.  My immediate response as an 11 year old girl was jealousy. Why her and not me? I decided from that day on that if rejection from a boy felt like this then acceptance from a boy must be the greatest feeling in the world. That was the beginning of me deciding that it was time to chase a new role... the role of girlfriend. 

Fast forward 7 years and I find myself having managed to make it through both middle school and high school having never been asked out on a single date. Not even to a school dance. This "rejection" was something that I was allowing to define me and speak insecurity into me-- though I would have never admitted it then. 

As an 18 year old girl who prided herself in being the "good girl" with "good advice"  I would have never admitted that I spent all of high school searching for approval and attention from guys. I would have never admitted that I truly believed I wouldn't be completely happy and satisfied until I found someone who thought of me as worthy to pursue and marry. 

The summer after high school while doing a discipleship program I finally came to the realization that while it might look on the outside like I have no issues with boy relationships (because there weren't any) that I actually did indeed have big things to work through when it came to this area of my life. Because while there weren't any boys, I was an 18 year old girl about to enter college and the idea of

marriage was my biggest idol. 

I sat outside behind the kitchen at camp next to two dumpsters as I cried and confessed to this Jesus that I had said ruled my life that if marriage wasn't in His plan for me then I was afraid that I didn't want Him. I wanted marriage that badly and it scared me more than anything ever had before. 

Right after the program and right before I was about to leave for Waco someone told me, "Madison, why does singleness have to be a bad thing? Singleness is a gift, just as marriage is." I let those words resonate with me and I decided that I did desperately want to live life like I believed that statement with all of my being. I decided that I was tired of letting my fear of being single for my entire life control me. I was tired of letting my fear of rejection from a human decide whether or not I was going to live a full and abundant life. I decided that I wasn't going to go into college looking for a husband. I was going to lay my desire for an earthly husband at the feet of Jesus and leave it there for good. 

I did surrender marriage to Jesus, however if I am being honest a big part of me thought that since I finally surrendered this idol to Jesus that He would then "meet me halfway" and take my longing, my wanting, and my desires for this idol away. I also thought that while I could recognize that singleness was the obvious path the Lord had put me on and I was willing to walk it-- that it wasn't at all going to be fun or satisfying. 

I was wrong about all of the above. 

” ‘The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.’ Psalm 84:11

‘Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.’ Psalm 16:5

God didn't take my desires for a husband away and He still hasn't. I am thankful for this now because I can see that it was through me longing desperately for something good and not getting it, that it taught me to long for something better that I already had. 

Elisabeth Elliot says this on the topic: 

“If you are single today, the portion assigned to you for today is singleness. It is God’s gift. Singleness ought not to be viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right, God in His wisdom and love grants either as a gift. What may be your portion tomorrow is not your business today. Today’s business is trust in the living God who precisely measures out, day by day, each one’s portion."

Marriage is not my birthright... it is a gift that my good Shepherd will decide to give or withhold. 

It was only when I started to study God's character, His goodness, and His love for me that I started to believe with everything in me that He was an involved God who gave me singleness and it was in fact a gift. If I was to go chase a relationship whenever He has clearly given me singleness for today then a relationship would be worse for me than singleness. Since He has called me to singleness today-- it is the very best thing for me today. As the psalmist said, He isn't withholding good from me. 

It was only when I started to view singleness as a gift that I was able to accept it and even enjoy it.

When I accept the gifts that He graciously gives to me and when I intentionally seek His will over my own then the question changes from will I or will I not get to enjoy marriage one day to... 

Will I love Him, will I trust Him, and will I praise Him? 

When I am focused on doing these things then no matter what, my life is a grand adventure full of purpose and joy regardless of my martial status. 

Praise God for abundant life. It's a gift and it's good. 

More to come! 

The Gift of Singleness

I've never done a series on this blog before but after prayerfully considering this specific series idea that I have been wanting to do-- I decided yesterday that I would start it today! The title for the series is going to be... (drum-roll)

the gift of singleness. 

I am in the middle of my 21st year of singleness but since i wasn't allowed to date until i was sixteen, i guess it's only fair to say that i am really only in my 5th year. However, you get the point right? I have spent my entire life single and while I will be the first to admit that I am still very young and most likely won't spend my entire life single it is still to this day...

the most used tool that God has used to shape and refine me. 

There is nothing else that my Savior has used more to teach, break, re-build, sanctify, and mold me than the gift of singleness. 

Before this series gets rolling there are a few important things that I need you to know if you are interested in journeying through this series with me!

1. The topics in this series will be both hard and vulnerable. I will be sharing how God used tough situations and my failures to reveal more of Himself and His will to me. I will be as honest as I can be in how I often manipulated situation to try and get what i wanted and how God protected me regardless. I will do this in the hopes that you might be able to relate in some way and because of that, be reminded of God's goodness and glory.

2. I recognize that there are a lot of people out there who have been single longer than I have and who are more experienced and more wise on this topic! Please know that I am not trying to say that this is the only way to receive singleness. Rather, I just want to share my story with you and the things that God has taught me along the way.

3. Lastly, it is important to me that you all know that though this series is titled "the gift of singleness" that it has taken me a very long time to consider singleness a gift and I still struggle on a lot of days of wanting to refuse the gift all together. I often find myself telling God, "This isn't the gift I wanted" or "Ok, thank you Lord for singleness because now I can see how dramatically you have used it in my life buuuutttt, I'm good now. I'm ready for another gift. And can it be exactly the way I want it?" I say this so you know that I mean it when I say singleness is a gift... but it wasn't easy getting there and I still have to remind myself daily that it is the very best thing for me in this moment.

So whether you find yourself married, widowed, divorced, engaged, dating, or single I invite you to journey along with me as I process through my particular journey thus far because even if you don't find yourself where I am you still might find how some of these things can relate to where you are right now. After all, no matter what our marriage status is, if we call ourselves believers in Christ than we all have the very same purpose and goal. 

Some of the topics that we will be covering will include: 

- why singleness is a gift 
- what to do with loneliness 
- does God really want everything? 
- the pain of rejection 
- what to do when others are receiving the gifts you want and you are receiving something different. 
- feeling un-seen, un-wanted, and un-desirable 
- how to be content in the waiting period... no matter how long that might be! 
- and how to not waste your singleness! 

Feel free to message me if you have any other ideas of topics that you would like for me to dig into. I will be intentional in being open and honest as well as digging into scripture to find answers and guidance! 

so, whether I am single for 10 more days or 10 more years I invite you into my story of how God has used the desire of wanting a relationship to wreck my world and to show me how very good the gift of singleness is but more importantly how very good He is. 

"I Finally Found Where I Belong" ... Camp&Contentment

I've had more free time on my hands lately than I have maybe ever had. I go to class in the mornings, and then I come home with practically no agenda for the rest of the day. I don't have a scheduled lunch with someone different every day, I don't have something to do for or with Chi-O at night, no lifegroup meetings or meetings to plan lifegroup, I don't have Social Work meetings, I don't have to babysit, I have very little homework... you get the picture. 

I don't think I realized how busy I am during the school year until I put myself in Waco when it's not the school year. All of a sudden I am in a physical place that I am very familiar with and yet everything is going at a much, much slower pace and it's making it seem not so familiar. I am wondering where all the people went and why they didn't warn me that I was going to have to start looking for new lunch and sonic dates... I mean come on help a girl out. 

Anyway, all of this free time has led me to a lot of reading, journaling, praying, and processing. These things are such a gift and something I am grateful the Lord saw fit to give to me this summer--regardless of whether or not I wanted it, I am realizing that I desperately need it. Today the processing continued as I started to think about my past summers and how they were spent which led me to this conclusion: 

I miss camp. 

The past 3 summers I have spent my time at Pine Cove Christian Camps in Tyler, Texas and they have easily been some of the best times of my life. It was clear that God had other plans for me this summer and was not opening the door for me to be back in this summer "home" that I have grown to know and love. However, today He did give me the gift of t i m e and I chose to use some of it reading through my journals that I kept during my 3 summers at camp. 

My first ever journal entry that was written on Pine Cove grounds came on May 30th, 2010 which was my first full day of Baby Ruths. This is what I wrote: 

"Wow. My feet already hurt so badly and it's only day ONE. So far the only thing that has been what I expected is the cleaning. I thought we would clean and we do-- a lot! But what is so very different is the way that we are being taught to worship. I thought we would be having intense bible studies and such but we aren't and I don't know if we even will. So, it's already becoming apparent to me that we are being taught to worship through our service which is really cool although I don't think I've ever actually done it. I know this is going to be hard on me because it already is. I am already tired... already! I miss home already too-- the familiarity of it all. This place is not familiar. It seems foreign and I don't feel like I belong. Lord, show me that you want me here and hold me tight." 

I couldn't help but laugh and cry as I read the words I wrote 3 years ago. I had no clue why God had brought me to a place that seemed so foreign to me and I didn't like it one bit. I laughed because I would continue to write for the next 3 summers that my feet hurt on day one of camp because they always did and I cried because I was and continue to be overwhelmed by my sweet Jesus's sovereignty and faithfulness in bringing my scared 18 year old self to Pine Cove that May day-- because it changed my life forever. 

My first summer broke me in all the ways that I didn't want to be broken in. I learned that I didn't have control and that I didn't need to. Submission is a good thing and something that started to change my heart forever. The Lord used summer 2010 to show me sin in my life that made me want to throw up and then He led me to a realization that I didn't even begin to know the kind of love and grace that He, the God I always thought I had known was offering to me. I learned that you can't help who you fall in love with but only who you hang out with--so I should choose that wisely. I learned that my actions never define my identity and I really believed for the first time sitting on the floor of the Kavarratti at the Shores, that I was Madison Humphries a daughter of THE King and that He was and is well pleased with me. 

My second summer God revealed to me a lot of lies that I was believing about myself and about His character. I learned in big ways that title, attention, and recognition do not define a person and I shouldn't let them define me. I learned that we aren't often called to great sacrifice but that we daily get the opportunity to make small ones and that those can change someone's life--even your own. I learned that folding shirts the right way is important because it's what I was asked to do. I learned that I am constantly in a battle against my flesh and that through Jesus's strength I need to put up the best fight I can to choose the Spirit. I learned that the idea of marriage had become an i d o l in my life and I laid it at the altar of Jesus for the first time in my life however certainly not the last... 

My third and final summer was probably the best. Every summer was needed, and the Lord used this final summer to teach me sweet lessons in sweet ways. I learned that God is not a dour God who discourages pleasure and He gave me unspeakable j o y. He graciously gave me the gift of community with girls who loved me in a way that I didn't even know I needed. He didn't give me what I thought I wanted but I finally allowed myself to accept the gift of Himself which is exactly what I needed and what I really wanted the whole time anyway. I learned to relax in the presence of Jesus and found security, confidence and joy in who He was creating me to be! 

If you can believe it or not, the list of things that I learned during my 3 summers at camp is even much much longer than that. 

As I sit here in Waco processing through my past 3 summers I am certainly missing camp, but I am also  content with not being there. As you read earlier, my first summer spent at camp I felt like a foreigner. I spent my days longing for the home that I knew, for the community that I knew and for the attention and love that I knew. When those things were stripped away from me I instantly became insecure and wanted to rewind and go back to what I knew would make me feel comfortable. 

I can't thank the Lord enough for not letting me rewind, for not letting me quit, and most of all for not giving me immediate gratification. He had something so so so much better than immediate gratification and it came in the form of longing, waiting, and walking through the fire of sanctification which isn't always easy but is always good. 

My first camp summer was hard but all of my camp summers combined changed my life forever. Because of camp I now know the importance of discipleship, I know myself better, I know the Gospel better, and I know better than to wish I was anywhere else than right here, right now, right where God wants me to be. 

If God was faithful then why would I doubt that He isn't being faithful now? He is the same God here in Waco, Texas on my porch as He is on the porch of the Grand Mesa in good ole' East Texas. 

So, heres to camp and all the incredible ways the Lord uses it to change peoples lives like mine, and heres to Waco in the summer-- right where He wants me to be. 

It's in His presence that I finally found where I belong. 

Will over Want...

I'm a feeler, if that makes sense. Sure, we all feel things but I really feel them. If something good happens I feel it deeply and if something bad happens I feel that deeply, too. This, like a lot of things, has both it's advantages and disadvantages. It's good for when you are wanting to show people that you truly care about them and it's bad whenever you're crying in the middle of Barnes and Noble because you just read the back cover of a Christian fiction novel... what, that doesn't happen to you? 

Anyway, you get the point. 

I have been learning a lot lately about how my tendency to feel things in such a deep way effects my walk and journey with Jesus. While it can be something that I choose to use for good, it more times than not has become a tool that I use for bad. If I am not careful my deep feelings or my deep desires become so overwhelming that I cannot see past myself... I can't see past what I want, when I want it, how I want it, and why in the world am I not getting what I want?! I have desires, passions, and dreams that I so often forget to surrender to my perfect Heavenly Father. 

This past semester I found myself caught up in a more than a little bit disgusting cycle of seeing what I want, seeing that I wasn't getting it, seeing that someone else was, and then throwing myself a pity party and demanding that God would either: 

1. Give me what I wanted

2. Take away my desire for such thing; or  

3. Explain to me why I wasn't getting it and why (whoever it was that week) was getting it. 

By the end of the semester I started getting extremely tired of simply wanting. I didn't want to want anymore. I just wanted Jesus. 

That was the answer to my problem(s). 

Yes, I desire earthly things. Many of these things aren't bad things to want BUT, I am not the author of my life and I don't get to decide when or even what gets to fill the pages of the book that is "my" life. 

Over the past month I have come to realize that there comes a point when I have to yield my wanting... and that is hard for this "feeler, adventurer, and dreamer" kind of gal. 

Elisabeth Elliot puts it way more eloquently than I ever could when she says; 

"A life lived in God is not lived on the plane of feelings, but of the will. In Scripture the heart is the will-- it is the man himself, the spring of all action, the ruling power bestowed on him by his Creator, capable of choosing and acting." 

Yes, we all have desires and wants. Trust me, I am a wanter. However I am a follower of Jesus before anything else and that requires faith which can be better defined by saying "complete trust". 

I have a perfect Father who I get to choose to trust. I have a Shepherd who I get to choose to believe is watching over me and guiding me down the path of righteousness for His namesake. I have a Savior who came to save me from the things I think that I "want". He came to save me from my lesser loves, and I, this little college girl get the grandest opportunity to choose Him. To choose life. To will myself to do His will, despite all wanting. 

I recognize that these wants and these emotions might always remain but I also recognize that they are not to rule the action. They have no authority. 

So, here's to a summer of learning more about what He wills and less about what I want. 

By the grace of God, we can will to do His will. Forget the past. Press toward the goal. 

"Your debt has been paid. Go daughters and sons, and sin no more." 

It's Trich-y.

*Disclaimer: I wrote this post two days ago but just got up enough courage to post it. I hope it is helpful to anyone who might also be fighting this particular fight!

2 years. 730 days give or take. 

That's how long it had been since I last had a bad hair pulling episode. Yes, you did read that right. Since I was 13 years old I have struggled with pulling my eyelashes out which is better known as 

trichotillomania (trich for short): the compulsive urge to pull out ones own hair. 

This struggle of mine isn't something that I normally would choose to blog about because it isn't even something that I like to talk about and if you know me at all you know that it's weird if I don't want to talk about something. However tonight after having my worst pulling episode in over 2 years I was convicted on multiple levels. 

I have been anxious about a big test that I have coming up, the fact that I got in a small (but not small enough) car wreck on Friday, and the fact that my very best friend along with other of my really great friends are leaving Waco this week and moving all across the country. You're probably thinking how in-considerate of them to go chase their dreams all around the world... and I'm like, I know I feel the same way. 

Anyway, I say that to point out and explain why the pulling began. Every person who struggles with Trich has a different story and is prompted to start pulling by different things but for me stress, anxiety and worry are the things that prompt me to pull. This doesn't mean that every time I'm stressed, worried or anxious that I start pulling but it does meant that these are the moments when I have to become more aware because it's in these times when I found myself most vulnerable to pull. 

Tonight, I sat at my desk studying and couldn't shake my anxiousness or my desire to pull. I kept putting my hands up to my eyes and eventually gave in. I knew what I was doing but I could not stop. You are probably thinking right now how can someone do this because doesn't it hurt really bad? No. It feels really good. Annoying, I know. It's a lot like biting your nails or twirling your hair but it's just not as socially acceptable. 

10 minutes or so goes by and I am finally able to snap myself out of it and that's when I realized that I now had a hole in my left eyelashes. Before I could even go to the mirror I immediately started sobbing. It was one of the worst feelings that I have had in a long time and the only thing that eventually made me calm down is when I called my dad and he calmly told me not once but probably 5 times... 

"Madison, the Lord is your Shepherd. You lack nothing."

That was when I finally able to push Satan away and think clearly. I think it is fitting that the absolute only thing that could calm me down tonight was the gospel. The reminder that I, Madison, am a daughter of a perfect Shepherd and that He is not shaken, moved or effected by my lack of eyelashes. And because my God is not shaken by it, neither am I. 

I might struggle for the rest of my life with lacking eyelashes but because of Jesus Christ I will always 

lack nothing. 

Tonight, I had my flesh and Satan as well, telling me that I am now not beautiful. That now because of my lack of eye-lashes that I am somehow less of a person-- less worthy, less wanted, less noticed, less pretty... less, less less. 

I am currently battling feelings of being ashamed. I am ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to fight off the urge. It makes me feel weak. And the thing I think I'm realizing is that feeling weak might not be such a bad thing. 

I had gone 2 years without pulling and a big part of me started to believe that I was cured from my battle with Trich. That part of me made me feel strong and accomplished. While I think it's perfectly good to feel feelings of strength and accomplishment I think it is just as equally bad and dangerous to feel as if your world is falling apart whenever the thing that makes you feel strong is taken away. 

That's what happened to me tonight. I was ripped of something that has made me feel good, strong and even worthy. I feel good and strong when I can resist the urge to pull my eyelashes out. And if I am being honest and vulnerable here (which I am), I feel more beautiful with eyelashes and even more worthy. 

So tonight the Lord chose to remind me in a hard way where my worth is. where my beauty is. and most importantly what grace is. i've been swimming in it lately. and that's okay. 

because when I am weak, my God is strong. 

and when my weakness shows... I pray that my God's strength will shine through. 

So, if you see me in the next few weeks and you see that I have a little gap where eyelashes should be I want you to think of one thing: 

Madison may be weak, but her Jesus is strong. 

because that's the reminder I am getting every time I look in the mirror. and I am actually thankful for it. 

*If you or anyone you know struggles with this hard and awful disorder PLEASE contact me! I am obviously not healed and maybe never will be but I have come a long long way from where I once was and I can now say that I have a healthy view of this disorder and practical ways to strive to not let it define you!