Me, the Samaritan Woman.

This summer has been a roller-coaster ride for me. Some days I see Jesus for who He is and I catch a glimpse of the bigger picture. You know, that one about Jesus and the Gospel and how it changes everything. Then other days I don't see it. I know that it's still there--that my doubt or un-belief or dis-satisfaction surely hasn't changed the reality of truth but it's hard. On these days, I cry a lot and wish that I could either 1) go back to college or 2) talk to Jon (my boyfriend) about it all. But unfortunately while Waco is still there even if I went back it wouldn't be the same and Jon is at camp--completely out of my reach for 6 out of 7 days. I am starting to learn that each day when I wake up I have a choice. I can either trust God or deny Him. When I can't change my circumstances I can either choose to trust or I can choose to show an unbelieving world that I deny the God that I say I commit my whole being to. Those are my only options. Lately, by God's grace I have started to choose that even if I can't see it... I believe that He really is who He says He is. Jesus, my God. 

Today I listend to a podcast about the passage found in John 4 where the samaritan woman meets Jesus at the well.

Imagine with me for a second...

This woman has been married 5 times and is currently living with yet another man but this time he isn't her husband. Perhaps, she's given up on marriage. She is at the well--coming to fetch water... the thing that she knows will satisfy her immediate thirst. She walked the familiar path to the well. She didn't have to ask for directions or second guess her decisions on how to get there. She knew this path-- she had walked it many times in the previous months and years and today was one in the same. She was minding her own business at the well that she came to daily in order to quench her thirst-- to satisfy her longing. Enters Jesus, the Messiah, a Jew. 

I used to always think that when I put myself in this story that I played the role of Jesus and that I needed to reach out to "lowly" people in my own life like Jesus reaches out to the samaritan woman. And I do. But today as I heard this story in a different light I realized something...

I'm that woman. I'm the samaritan woman at the well. Granted, our lives look different but we're more similar than I ever realized. Both sinners, both walking familiar paths in hopes that when we get to the well that we will finally find satisfaction.

When the whole time Jesus is there. Gently saying "Why not ask me for water?" To which we respond, "Well you don't have anything to fetch the water with. So thanks for the offer but it really is okay I got it. I can handle it. I can control my circumstances so that I know for sure that I'll get what I want... what I need." Jesus goes on to let the woman know that what He can offer is living water. The only kind of water that leaves you actually satisfied-- thirsty no more. 

But, I KNOW the path. I KNOW how to work the well. I KNOW that this will give me what I need and want. So, thanks for the offer but I got it.

Then the most amazing part of the story happens. The woman gets a glimpse. A glimpse that this man is the Messiah. He knows her story without her telling it, He knows that she doesn't have a husband and that she is living with a man whom she isn't married to, He knows her every fault and yet says, "Ask me... let me satisfy your thirst". And the woman leaves her pitcher of water there and returns to Samaria to tell of what she had seen. 

She leaves her pitcher of water there. 

What once satisfied her no longer could measure up to the glimpse of Living Water that she recieved. There was no turning back. No matter how familiar the path to the well is she no longer needs it. No matter that she has been married 5 times... she has been forgiven and cleansed by Living Water and the shame? She no longer needs it.

She leaves her pitcher of water. And she runs toward Living Water... 

and she'll thirst no more!

I'm the woman at the well. Me, the Samaritan Woman. The one coming back to the familiar path that leads to the familiar well simply because it's familiar. This is a huge revelation for me and it's backed by an even bigger promise from Jesus.

He is gently urging us to ask HIM. Not for earthly things but for Himself... which He will gladly give. And when we accept the gift of Himself the true Living Water...

we won't be wanting. i will not want. 

What is it that you are searching to satisfy you? If it's marriage... the woman at the well is a pretty clear picture that marriage isn't going to bring you the satisfaction you NEED. Is it a perfect job... it won't bring you the satisfaction you NEED. Is it that one thing you keep coming back to like the well for the samaritan woman? It won't satisfy. May we always remember that these things will.not.satisfy our souls. 

jesus will though. and he wants to. ask him. 

{Why do we settle for water coming out of the ground when we have an endless supply of Living Water at our expense?? }

It's Changing Things...

This summer is changing things.

In a sense I guess things are constantly changing; seasons in life both literally and figuratively are consistently shifting… so maybe this summer is no different. However, I think the difference can be found in the fact that I feel the change happening. It won’t just be a summer that I look back on and see how different it made me but I think it will be a summer that I look back on and I can point to this particular thing or situation and confidently say “that changed me” or “that situation made me realize things about myself that I hate” or possibly most often it will be, “sorting through those emotions/sins/insecurities made me more aware of God’s character and power and glory”. I know that I will look back and say these things because I am already saying them. It’s a rare thing for me to press into refinement as often and as hard as I have been lately and in doing so…

It’s changing things. And by things I mostly me it’s changing me.

Over the past 6 weeks I have learned 3 very important things:

1. I have an obsession with what people think about me

A very real and horrible obsession. I have known for a long time that I struggle with wanting people to have a good view of me and to fully know me and accept me despite knowing me, BUT I hadn’t realized until the past couple of weeks that this is actually an obsession of mine. A very real, horrible, and suffocating obsession. One that is sure to steal life from me if I feed it any longer. I am now constantly in a state of asking myself, “Madison are you seeking the approval of man or God?” In being faithful to ask myself this question, it is allowing me to not have to ask it as much.

2. God is more powerful, just and holy than I ever knew and even more than I know today {or will ever know this side of Heaven}

This summer has brought a lot of loneliness since I have been taken out of my normal community and brought back to the town and home I grew up in as a totally different person than I was 4 years ago when I left it for the first time.  This has been difficult but the loneliness has brought about a lot of good things in this “I just want community all the time” kind of girls life and heart. I have had more time to study God’s character and the lives of HIS community than I ever have before. I have been able to (finally) process through the things I learned in Israel and I have been daily and sometimes hourly surprised by how much I have missed about God’s character and His word in the past. God is BIG. And He is out of this world Holy and Just and Loving. He is the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and Rebekah and Adam and Eve and Ruth and Boaz and David and Paul (I’m guessing you get the picture?) and He is the SAME God that I pray to and the SAME God who is pursuing my heart relentlessly. I feel it and I’m leaning into it. And it’s changing things.

3. Forgiveness, in it’s most raw and real form is really REALLY hard

6 weeks ago I thought I knew what forgiveness was… and to an extent I did. But there is so much more to real forgiveness than I have ever given credit to. What I have learned thus far is that in order to give actual forgiveness to someone you must first be able to recognize how sinful, unclean, rotten, and fallen YOU are. Then consider that despite your sin and ugliness Jesus still went to the cross. Despite those Jesus loved most beating and forsaking Him… to the cross He still went. Despite His anxiety in the Garden ofGethsemene as He asked “Dad, please if it be possible let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will Dad but as You will.” And yup His Father didn’t rescue Him and yet He still went to the cross. What I am realizing is that it isn’t until I accept what Jesus did for me on that cross that I can actually offer true forgiveness to anyone. And because Jesus STILL went to the cross despite everything… how could I ever not forgive anyone? The ultimate act of forgiveness was showed to ME at the cross. Jesus switched cups with me once and for all. 

From my trip to Israel this past March: a picture of the communion I took IN the Garden of Gethsemene which overlooks the Temple Mount and modern day Jerusalem! Jesus took the cup of wrath so that I could forever and always have the cup of salvation and redemption! Praise God!!! 

                                                        

Won't you take this cup from me


Cause fear has stolen all my sleep


If tomorrow means my death


Pray you'll save their souls with it

In this hour of doubt I see


Who I am is not just me


So give me strength to die myself


So love can live to tell the tale

Garden: NeedtoBreath

I share the things that I am learning for two reasons; first, I love to write, to be vulnerable, to share what God is doing in and through my life because in doing so it helps me to realize even more so how BIG, and JUST, and FAITHFUL my God is. I believe that there are certain things that we each love and when we partake in them it gives us joy and life and that God intended it to be that way. For you it could be anything and for me it’s writing. Every time I write, I read back over it and cry because I am so overwhelmed by God’s goodness and faithfulness to me. So, I write. I write to remind myself of what Jesus has done and is yet to do.

Secondly, I write because I pray that in my vulnerability and willingness to share what God is doing in my life currently that it would encourage you to seek Jesus more. I know that God won’t use “my” words to encourage or challenge everyone and that’s okay. But, I trust that He will do with them as He chooses and my only responsibility is to be obedient in the writing.

So, a little glimpse into my summer of change, of loneliness in a lot of ways, but mostly of studying God’s character and His desires for me. In doing so,

It’s changing things. Jesus is changing things. Praise Him!!

already, {but} not yet... and not ever.

A lot has happened since I last blogged.

Rejected from grad school, [respectfully] appealed this rejection, got accepted to grad school, 200+ hours of internship, battled 1 [ and a half ] anxiety attack(s), spent Easter in Fayettechill, finished college (almost) oh and spent 14 days traveling and hiking through the h o l y l a n d . { stay tuned for more posts on Israel!... just know it was the best thing I've ever done and you MUST go. I'm serious... stop reading this and go hop on a plane to Tel Aviv. Best money you'll ever spend. } 

....but Israel posts must wait. (insert sobbing... from both you and me) 

 The past 3 weeks have been filled with change aka: my worst enemy. 

In 8 days I will graduate from Baylor with my BSW and we will all eat cake and take a lot of pictures and celebrate this accomplishment. With the people that I love most surrounding me, it is bound to be one of the very best days and then the next day as I drive to Tyler with Waco in my rearview mirror and the friends family I have made here spreading across the country for good I am bound to cry for a good 45 minutes at best. 

c h a n g e . 

10 days ago my boyfriend left for Uganda to visit where his parents will be moving in September to be missionaries at an orphanage called Restoration Gateway. The good news is that he comes home TODAY and the bad news is that in another 10 days he leaves for Pine Cove for the entire summer where he won't have his phone and the only way we will be able to have contact during the week is through letters that take 2 days to get back and forth to each other. [ how did people use to do this all the time?!... send advice this way asap... thanks ] 

Talking with my best gal on the phone the other day I was telling her how selfishly I was handling this whole situation. I couldn't figure out why I was so bitter about my boyfriend going to serve at a ministry that I LOVE all summer. She asked me to dig deep and without beating myself up or getting mad at myself for not feeling differently, to tell her what I thought this bitterness was rooted in. 

I reply (drumroll please)......

"because even though i'm not his wife yet i feel like i am his top earthly priority and he is mine. Except for him things like free time, and TAPS and skits and theme nights and CQ's are all going to come before me." 

(me is bolded because I unfortunately put a lot of emphasis on it in the conversation...oops) 

yup. not my brightest moment... however being vulnerable in this moment allowed myself to see where my perspective had shifted. It allowed me to see my sin and pin-point where the bitterness was coming from so I could begin to destroy it. That's how refinement works... a hard confession followed by hard shifts in perspectives and priorities all dipped and soaked in a lot of sacrifice... THIS leads to holiness. 

My priorities have been extremely out of whack as of late. Fear, anxiety, control, and discontentment have been the things that I have held dear to my heart and held tightly with clenched fists. 

In my mind and even my heart I have put my boyfriend in a place that he does not yet deserve to be-- and I have asked him to put me in the same place and now camp is threatening me with the question that where I have placed myself isn't where I yet belong. And that is hard. 

We already have the feelings, emotions, and connection we need to pursue marriage but God is saying wait. We already desire to be each others top earthly priorities but God is saying... not yet. Not because we aren't ready or aren't mature enough or financially stable enough, etc. but because we have ministry to do and commitments to fulfill that require singleness. And that's enough to wait. 

already. [ but ] not yet. 

I cannot ask my boyfriend to choose me when we haven't entered into a covenant marriage.

even more than that... 

I cannot ask my boyfriend to choose me when God has told him to ALWAYS choose Jesus before me. 

Much like how we can already be holy here on earth [ but ] we cannot obtain full holiness until we are standing face to face with Jesus at the one true wedding, I too can practice love and sacrifice within a dating relationship but cannot practice full oneness until I am standing face to face to my groom at an earthly wedding. 

Therefore, I must not claim or demand or even just expect ownership over someone that isn't yet mine.

[enter deep breaths...at least that's what helps me walk through the fire of sanctification] 

Then as my conversation with my friend went on I realized something else that is both sobering and encouraging... 

With Jesus Christ it's only already, but not yet. 

          { I can be holy here on earth but I can't obtain full holiness 

               until eternity BUT there I will obtain it. I will dwell in 

                          the house of my Lord forever. } 

but with ANY earthly thing { even marriage } I cannot have the mindset of ownership. I can't have the mindset that I have obtained or ever will fully obtain what I wanted and that a human being or an earthly possession or title or relationship will bring me to full satisfaction. 

With Jesus, I get to have the mind-set of already, but not yet-- which makes it okay that with everything else I can only have the mindset of: 

already, [but] not yet... and {not ever}. 


this world is not my home. and not even marriage should make me feel like i want to settle down here. i don't have the power to declare something mine in a place where i can't find my true house even if i looked for it the rest of my life. 

Praise the Lord that I will never have to take ownership over my life and the things and people that fill it again. Praise the Lord that His Kingdom is the only thing that is already, and yet to come. 

I have already died to my need to control, be seen as important, and to be comfortable. It's dead. 

So... I am now back to running the race of being a follower... of falling in-step with my Savior from Nazareth. Trusting that He knows best. 

He knows when I need to be single, when I need to minister and serve alone, and He knows when I need to be married. I don't have to worry about it and I certainly don't have to control it. 

Oh, and good news. 

He is faithful indeed to take bitterness and frustration away and replace it with a joyful and expectant spirit-- even when you initially let your selfishness lead you to the darkest of places. (I didn't experience this personally obviously, a friend told me.) 

Thank you, Lord. 

"Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love." -Brennan Manning 

weary and worn.

I've cried at least 3 times every day for the past 7 days. That's a lot of crying. You can go ahead and feel horrible for my parents, my friends, my boyfriend and anyone else who has had the unfortunate privilege of even coming in contact with me over the past 7 days. I know I do, so I give you the freedom to feel horrible for them as well. You're welcome.

A week ago yesterday, I was sitting at a table in McAlister's deli when I read an email that I had just received that read as following:

Madison,

Attached is the letter letting you know the decision of the committee to not accept you into the MSW program here at Baylor..........................

It said some other things too, about how they were sorry and some other "kind" words of rejection but I couldn't read the rest of it due to the tears already streaming down my face. I picked up my books and rushed out of the restaurant as strangers looked at me with the most awkward "empathetic" faces I've ever seen.

4 years ago I decided that I wanted to come to Baylor, major in Social Work, graduate in May 2014 with my Bachelors degree and then again in May 2015 with my Masters. I would have never thought that I wouldn't get into the grad school program and I also would have never thought that if I didn't get into it that I would be as shaken and broken as I currently am. I have been dealing with a very wide range of emotions from anger and bitterness to deep sadness, hurt, and betrayal. I am having to mourn something that has been my dream/goal of mine for 4 years while also looking toward the future and how I now must start to take complete different steps than I originally thought. For four years I thought that my plans come this May were secure and now in 3 months I will graduate with the possibility of having no idea where I am supposed to go from here.

A couple of days ago I went to my Heavenly Father in complete brokenness saying,

"Father, this has been my plan for the past 4 years. This has been my parents plan for me and the path that those close to me thought I was for sure to take. Lord, why did I never ask you if this was YOUR plan? Not one time did I doubt that this was what you had for me and yet now here I am with a very clear closed door. I am sorry that I never sought your guidance in this process but Lord, help me now. Strengthen my faith for it is so small right now. I am without trust in you. I am without peace and without joy. Come quickly, Lord. Here is my life... the brokenness of it and the unknown path--claim it again. I release my clenched fists, offer you back this life that isn't my own although I have claimed it to be. Forgive me, guide me, use me in any way you see fit even if it comes in the form of more rejection."

Somewhere along the way I decided that God could have parts of my life but not all of it. I didn't fully realize I was doing this but I was. I had decided that I would be willing to give him the parts of my life that I hadn't yet figured out, but the ones that I believed were already set and stone didn't need to be offered up to God.

"I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.” -Elisabeth Elliot

I have been clinging to this everyday lately. I have been realizing that rejection is painful and that that's ok. I have also been realizing that I needed God to do something like this to grab hold of my attention. I don't want to admit that and it's a lot easier to sit around and let people tell me that they feel sorry for me while I feel sorry for myself. But the problem with doing this is that it leaves no room for sanctification, growth or refinement. It only leaves room for self-pity and selfishness.The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by God letting us have our way in the end but by Him making us w a i t .

Waiting is hard. Waiting is especially hard for a control freak like myself. So it makes since that God would ask me to wait in order to show me Himself.

Rejection or doors being shut or slammed in some cases, is something that is difficult and often times requires grieving. Like I mentioned earlier, this is where I currently find myself.

In Kyle Lake's last sermon that he was never able to preach at UBC Waco he was talking all about living life well. And he says this,

"If you have recently experienced loss, grieve. And grieve well."

Loss can come in many ways and forms and for my case recently it has come in the form of a lost dream and a lost goal. I am quick to beat myself up for being so upset about something that "isn't a huge deal" but this mentality doesn't allow myself time to grieve and to do it well.

I have doubted whether or I should try and write all of this out because I am still in a grieving process and I don't have anything "figured out" but I think that's the point... the point is that I don't have to have it figured out. I don't have to have something profound to say or be able to give a specific answer for all those who are going through something similar to me. The only answer I have right now is Jesus. And I am starting to finally not just say that this is the best place to be but I am starting to know, believe, and am absolutely banking on it.

I am in a place of grieving and I don't want to stay here. But just because I don't want to be here doesn't mean that I don't have to walk through the process. I must walk this path and I would be wise if I let Christ lead and sought to find my rest in Him along the way.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:21-30 MSG)

I am tired and worn. I am burned out on school and on not knowing where to go from here. 

And with this My Father says c o m e  t o  m e 

get away with me and you'll recover your life. 

i will show you how to take a real rest. 

learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

i will not lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

keep company with me and you will learn

to live freely... and l i g h t l y . 

I am weary and worn. I am going through the stages of grief and while it's necessary to do this well, I also have a lot of Truth that I need to remind myself of. 

In this world we are PROMISED trouble... but take heart because He has overcome the world. Take HEART... He is behind you, beside you, beneath you, above you, in front of you and IN you. Join me in offering your un-met expectations, lost dreams, hurt and pain to a GOD WHO CARES. 

I am weary and worn but God calls me friend. 

I am weary and worn but God is strong and kind. 

I am weary and worn but God withholds no good thing from me. 

I am weary and worn but God's grace a b o u n d s . 

I am weary and worn but God offers R E S T . 

I am weary and worn but God is Emmanuel... He is with me. 

i can learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 
i can speak Truth to my weary and worn soul. 

i can exchange my unwanted baggage and pain for a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light. 

i can walk with my savior, redeemer, friend, guide, and the author of my life. 

i can fall in step with the man from Nazareth. and nothing else matters... what a gift for this weary and worn soul. 

Irresistibly Resistible

I saw this quote today:

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired" 

and when I read it I didn't think much of it except that it sounded okay enough. Then I couldn't stop thinking about it and I went back to read it again... and then one more time.

and I realized that I hated it. Is that what people think love is? Is that what I think love is?

God's word says that love is about self-denial and sacrifice and putting others and most importantly, God-- before yourself and your own desires. So if that is true how can I possibly believe that quote? Love is to have a desire to be desired?

No, not quite. Though I (regretfully) admit that over the past semester I have seen love more like what that quote says than what Christ says-- I have seen it as something that I need to achieve. Something that I have to chase after to get but the race keeps getting longer and I keep getting more tired. Less about something that I can give and more about something that I need to receive.

I have equated love to be that exact definition: being irresistible to someone. I have struggled with the feelings of not feeling loved because I am not feeling irresistible.

This is a sick and twisted view of love and one that our culture is drowning in.
not to mention... a recipe for disaster in a dating relationship that is seeking to honor Christ. 

This is where I find myself today. In a dating relationship with a man who desires to please God WAY more than he desires to please me (thank you, Jesus!) and yet I am letting Satan tell me that because this man resists me that he must not really care for me... when in fact, it is the exact opposite.

I remember one of my friends saying this to me a couple of years ago...

"Maddie, it's like I want him to worship me. Like I am jealous of God because he is giving Him(God) more attention than he is giving me. It's like I cannot stand the thought of him not finding me irresistible. I don't know what my problem is... I know in my head that I have no desire for him to worship me but in the moment I want nothing more than the satisfaction of knowing that he isn't able to resist me..." 

When my friend told me this awhile back, I couldn't relate to her and I remember thinking... "I'm glad she is being honest but did she really just say she wanted him to worship her?" and now here I am relating to her very confession more than I would like to admit. (but I'm still working on the bringing things to light deal so admitting I go...)

Women everywhere have an overwhelming desire to be wanted, noticed and in the end irresistibly desired by men. This is an effect of the fall... Genesis 3:16 tells us women, "Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you". This whole wanting to be irresistible thing isn't new to this world, though I do think that it is becoming more and more difficult to fight against it. Our culture is telling us more and more how normal and natural it is to feel these temptations and because we feel them we should go ahead and feed them. Are you giving into this lie that it is okay to feed these selfish desires? I know that I have been and that I must start fighting harder.

WOMEN fight the temptation of wanting men to worship you

MEN don't worship us. even when we beg--don't do it. we are not worthy, we are not your Savior. 

WOMEN fight the temptation of wanting to be irresistibly desired-- fight for your purity because you desire to be h o l y and fight for his purity too. 

MEN be kind to us, love us as Christ has called you to... not how we have called you to. 

WOMEN search for men who don't desire to worship you or find you irresistible... then marry them. (im only partly kidding--if you can find a man who will not compromise what Jesus commands of him then I am pretty sure he'll make an okay really good husband.) 

MEN be the kind of man who won't compromise and find a girl who despite her sinful nature, will not see herself as worthy of any type of worship. Worthy definitely, just not worthy of worship. 

EVERYONE trust that He knows what He is doing. He is good. He is trustworthy. He is for us. 

This semester is going to be one of giving up the idea that I need to be irresistible to anyone--including my own boyfriend. God has called me out to live a life of purity and Godliness and has given me the tools to do it... I just have to put the tools in my hand and start working. As I work and as I chisel down the ugly parts of myself I will remember and lean on the fact that I am following the ultimate Potter, the ultimate Carpenter, the ultimate Guide.

Ladies, I think it's a safe bet to say that we have spent the majority of our lives seeking out ways to be perceived as irresistible to everyone around us--especially men. This isn't healthy for them and it isn't healthy for us either. After all, our worth and beauty comes straight from our good Father, not from any type of make-up, clothes, or work-out video.

I never thought I'd say this but I want to become irresistibly resistible. 

I want to live in a way that I am protecting my brothers in Christ-- protecting my future husband.

I have no place to desire to be worshiped. I have no place to chase after affirmation that I am irresistible.

I must be r e s i s t i b l e until my wedding day. Only after such a covenant as that can I give myself to a man and desire for him to see me as irresistible.

Men and women alike, hear me when I say... We can do it. It'll be worth the wait-- and we'll be able to point a lot of people to Jesus along the way when we live life in this radical way.

Our flesh CAN starve. We will not die because we aren't feeding it. When we do this we will actually fully live in the best sense of the word.

Cheers to becoming irresistibly resistible. 

...should be fun worth it. 

Lust: Start the Conversation

l u s t . even typing that word seems gross. 

Over the past few months I have become wrecked with the realization that lust and sexual immorality is effecting every person I come in contact with in some way. Conversations have left me sick, empty, or crying over people's stories where sexual sin has completely taken over their lives--where they are sons and daughters of our one true King and yet are living as if they are slaves to sexual sin. My friends are these people. I am this person.

stuck.depressed.confused.humiliated.ashamed.  and in the d a r k about it all.

I used to believe the lie that I was the only girl in this world that struggled with lust. It was a guy thing and I wasn't normal for struggling with it. I was alone and therefore I couldn't talk about it with anyone.

Through hard but the most freeing conversations I have ever had, I have come to realize that the true reality of this situation is that e v e r y o n e struggles in some way with lust and giving into sexual sin. We are sexual beings after all so I am not sure why this surprises so many of us. These conversations should have been happening a long time ago and honestly, this blog post should have been written a long time ago as well.

When things are kept in the dark I truly believe that satan has tremendous power. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy... and last time I checked those things are always easier to get away with in the dark.

Heres the deal:

-I am a sinner. The worst one. I am without fail going to FAIL, without Christ.
-I have a Savior who has saved me from my sin. Purchased me. I am owned by Him and He sees me without blemish or stain.
-That same Savior has told me that it is not good to live alone and has provided me with community.

Why would I think that it's okay to keep certain sins a secret? Why in the world would I want to give the enemy that kind of power? I don't and I certainly am not going to anymore. I challenge you to do the same and hope that the rest of this post can help you understand lust a little better and help give you the courage to fight it with every weapon available to you.

lust: craving sexually what God has forbidden. 
(definition comes from the book "Sex is not the Problem: Lust Is")

John Piper explains lust with this simple equation:

"Lust is a sexual desire minus honor and holiness" 

When we lust, we take this very good and God given thing-- sexual desire-- and we remove from it honor and holiness. That's huge. That's sin and that sin is destroying our generation.

"For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit." (1 Thessalonians 4:7-8) 

In my personal battle against lust I have realized that the playoff of lust is a continual lust for more. Enough lust is never enough lust. When you give into lust because the desire or urge is just too strong you are actually not at all satisfying that desire-- you are only making it stronger. To make something lose it's desire you must starve it. If you stop eating sugar all of a sudden the next day you are still going to desire it but eventually that desire will deminish. However, if you just keep giving into it all you will want is more more more .

So at this point you are probably saying "That's great Madison and yeah lust sucks but I can't give it up. I've tried and tried and tried. All I do is fail so I might as well just stop. I can't keep focusing on it because if I do all I am focusing on is failure."

And to that, I would say that I totally understand and that I think you have the wrong plan for battle. 

With that mindset you are stepping into a battlefield looking toward men who have knifes, guns, and bombs and all you have is yourself and a BB gun. You'll get somewhere but pretty quickly you're going to fail-- badly.

John Piper says this:

"We must fight fire with fire. The fire of lust's pleasures must be fought with the fire of God's pleasures. If we try to fight the fire of lust with prohibitions and threats alone-- even the terrible warnings of Jesus-we will fail. We must fight it with the massive promise of superior happiness. We must swallow up the little flicker of lust's pleasure in the conflagration of holy satisfaction." 

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to set boundaries you are going to fail.

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to starve yourself of triggers to lust you are going to fail.

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to have accountability you are going to fail.

While these things are good (and recommended!) ,when used as tools against lust without fixing our eyes, hearts, and minds on Jesus-- we will fail.

Hear me on this: We don't abstain from pre-marital sex so that we can high five our spouse on our wedding day and say, "Yes! We did it! We are virgins!"

We abstain from pre-marital sex because we want to be h o l y . 

we abstain from all sexual sin because we desire holiness. 

The thing I am beginning to truly believe is that if we ever expect to find victory over lust, we have to believe with our whole hearts that God is against our lust not because He is against pleasure but because He is committed to it. 

God knew what He was doing when He created us as sexual beings. He created us and

saw that it was good. 

We are the ones that have created a distorted view of sex and we are the ones that are currently (or will have to in the future) suffer from the consequences of that distorted view and the things we have done because of it.

God put sex in marriage for a reason-- leave it there. All of it.

I think that unfortunately for us, some type of sexual sin is a part of all of our stories. Maybe it's part of our past story or maybe it's your current story and maybe it's been part of your story for a long time.

Regardless-- while it is a part of your story it isn't THE story.

When you have accepted Jesus into your life and heart-- the gospel is your story. 

the cross is your story and it is there that your sin was paid for once and for all. 

fight sexual sin-- and all sin for that matter-- because you want to be holy. because you want to be like

j e s u s . 

not because you want to check things off of a list, make your girlfriend or boyfriend happy or anyone happy for that reason. 

fight it because Jesus died for it on the cross and He is giving you Himself as a weapon. 

fight it because the gospel set you f r e e 

f r e e to be h o l y 

there is no better reason. 

Hop off the computer, go find community, start having these conversations, bring darkness to light and TRUST that Jesus was serious when He said that He came to give us life... 

full and abundant life. 

Peace Out, Happily Ever After

I can remember as early as 4 years old wanting my 'Prince Charming' to come and take me away. As a 4 year old I don't think I knew much, if anything, about what a romantic relationship looked like or what the purpose was... but I did know that I wanted it and that it had to come in a very specific way. At 4 years old I might not have known much but I did know one thing to be true:

 I was a Princess waiting for my Prince. Why did I know this at such a young age?

everything around me told me that is what I needed to be happy. 

every store, every show, every single movie I watched my entire life told me that...

I deserve to live {h a p p i l y ever a f t e r}& that would happen when my Prince arrived and only then.

The more thought I give this the more of a tragedy that I think it is. I am mad at times when I think of what our culture has done to our hearts and minds. To the heart and minds of girls and boys at the young age of 4. The lies that they fed us and continue to feed us. I want to throw up at the thought that my own daughter will most likely struggle with this even more than I did because our culture is constantly progressing and constantly searching for more pleasure, more "beauty", more more more.

At 4 years old I'm not sure how much of a choice we have in what we let our eyes see and our hearts believe but at 22 years old I indeed do have a choice. I know full well, too well, what a life looks like when you choose to believe the lie that we need what our culture has told us will satisfy.

It's like I am choosing to eat on a paper plate when fine china that has been created, crafted, and molded just for me is being offered. I could choose to take it for all I have to do is r e a c h... yet, I know what the paper plate is like. It's not perfect, it isn't even that good but I know it and therefor I can control it.

Our society didn't just teach us that we can choose, change, and manipulate who, when, and how we date but they did a pretty good job at convincing us (or at least me) that we can choose, change, and manipulate everything else in our lives too... they told me that I could be my own Savior. My own change agent and that if I just did XY&Z I was on my way to happiness...

all humans are pathetic and miserable Saviors. 

On October 18th, 2012 I wrote this in my journal:

"Today I am so aware of my human-ness. Of how dirty, lost, and useless I am without Jesus. This isn't a good feeling but yet I am thankful that God would allow me to have days like today when I am so beyond confident that I NEED a Savior to save me from my lesser loves that are all found in this fallen world--my very self being one of them. I am a desperately broken tool in the hand of a gracious and powerful God.  I am a sinner, deserving to be thrown to the side into the stack of broken and worthless rubbish. Yet, God calls me His daughter, His beloved, HIS bride. What a gift that I have. Even on days like today when I feel so unworthy of His high calling I can claim it. Own it. Live it. Wow, what a merciful and sweet Savior He is."

My whole life this world screamed at me (and at you) to desperately and passionately...

SEEK HAPPINESS. SEARCH FOR LOVE AND THEN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Well, I tried it the worlds way and it failed. Then I tried again but it failed then too. I have always known the gospel and was privileged to grow up in a Godly home and in a church who poured much Truth into me yet I just didn't think that I had to give up on what the world said in order to claim what Jesus said. Then I realized that was exactly what I had to do... I couldn't believe both although I tried to for many years.

As I struggle to daily live the life that I have claimed to find in Jesus I am constantly reminded that it requires a lot of trust, abandon, and being willing to change your plans.

As I mentioned in my last post, I often times find myself praying for clarity before I find myself praying for deeper intimacy and trust in Jesus. Today I was convicted about why I would do this and could practically hear Jesus saying,

"Why would I show you the specifics when you've forsaken that which is already revealed?" 

Jesus has already made it clear to us all that His way is better.

Today I am choosing to not only believe it but to claim it as well. He is better than what this world claims is good. Today, I won't believe the lies. And I pray that tomorrow I won't either.

peace out, happily ever after. 

you are no good for me.