O the Joy, O the Sorrow

This past month, a lot of horrible things have been happening around my community. Especially yesterday when The Brook Hill School (my alma mater and where my family works) lost two of their own in a tragic car wreck. This lays heavy on my heart and even heavier on so many hearts around me. As I was driving home tonight with my husband, I remembered some lyrics to one of David Crowders old songs... "O the joy and o the sorrow" was all I could remember as I frantically searched for the song. I knew that it talked about how horrible life can be and I desperately wanted to hear something that would bring sense to this pain and sorrow that I haven't been able to shake. Turns out the song is called "Shadows".  In it, Crowder writes:

Life is full of light and shadow

O the joy and O the sorrow

O the sorrow

And yet will He bring 

Dark to light 

And yet will He bring 

Day from night

When shadows fall on us 

We will not fear 

We will remember 

When all seems lost 

When we're thrown and we're tossed 

We remember the cost 

We rest in Him the

Shadow of the cross 

I couldn't help but cry and feel peace all at the same time while letting these lyrics pour over my soul. All day long I have been trying to fight off anxiety and fear for myself and for a handful of others. And I just keep failing. Every time I try to do something to make it better...it just doesn't. Because when tragedy hits, it hits hard and it leaves no room for peace until you let the Prince of Peace enter in. When I heard the words of this song tonight, I realized something I think God has been trying to tell me for many months and even years--Madison, this isn't your home. You won't be here long... don't let yourself get too comfortable. 

For the past year a lot of exciting things have been happening in my life.  I graduated college, I got engaged and then got married. But even though those things have been so so good, I look back on this past year as one of the hardest of my life because I have come face to face with grief so many times.

• First, I graduated college (which is a huge accomplishment) but then in about 12 hours, I packed up and left everything I had called home for the past 4 years thinking that I was coming back...and I never did.
• I made the hard decision to not go to grad school...which put a lot of unknown in my future (this was terrifying to me).
• My then boyfriend, now husband, spent a summer away at camp where I couldn't talk to him for 6 out of 7 days. 13 weeks straight of extremely minimal communication.
• I faced the reality of rejection and the fear of not being liked or accepted multiple times.
• I fought anxiety attacks and depression.
• A childhood friend committed suicide.
• I got my first "real" job.
• I was asked to leave that job.
• I planned a wedding.
• I learned how to live on my "own".
• I got married.
• I fought alongside my husband for months until he found a job.
• And now this...the tragedy that happened at Brook Hill.

So much joy...and so much sorrow. If I know anything about life so far is that it will bring you so much joy and so much sorrow. The pain is often too much to bear and the joy is often over-shadowed by pain, regret, bitterness, and an un-grateful heart. I don't know much but I do know that in this hard season of life I have learned that God is still there and He is still good. 

{ Do I feel that? No, not so much. But do I trust it? Yes. God took hold of my little heart 18 years ago and hasn't let go. I have been running from him in times of trial looking to the world to heal my wounds, but it never does and it never will. }

I've also learned that while the past 12 months have seemed to be some of my worst, I'm sure that they won't be my very worst in this life. Pain has come and it will go in some senses but it will return and more than likely it will hurt more than the last time. God prepares you for what He has prepared for you. He is good like that and He cares. Despite our feelings of anger or betrayal or confusion, He DOES care. His promises are true and I know it full well. 

I am by no means an expert or even knowledgable when it comes to grief, but I do know what the 

Bible says about it:

Suffering is promised to us in scripture (James 1:2, Acts 14:22, John 15:20) 

Satan is real. And he is here to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) 

God is good and just (2 Thessalonians 1:6, Psalm 138:3) 

God loves us. We are dearly loved. (John 3:16, 1 John 4:8) 

When we said yes to Jesus and to His will and not our own, suffering became a part of who we are. Whether our suffering is "big or small" in the world's eyes is not the point. The point is that we suffer. Humans suffer. Christians living in this fallen world suffer and it's okay. If you are suffering, grieve and grieve well. And if you continue to suffer, offer up your sufferings to Christ because we KNOW that he will not turn away from the broken-hearted.

Throughout the bible those who wrote the deepest and most meaningful things are those who suffered deeply. Christ allows us to go deep with him into the depths of suffering...he is already there and we can meet him there. Scripture tells us that we can GAIN Christ when we suffer, meaning we can choose to become more like Christ when we suffer...and suffer well. 

I don't have much else to say and if you made it to the end of this blog post, then thanks for sticking with me. My words feel busy and messy, but life is busy and messy. Grief is certainly busy and messy.

If anything at all, these hard moments, seasons, or years are a constant reminder to me that this isn't home. God has come to save us and He will come again to bring us to our true home. Praise Him for that!!!

And if I have to guess...I think eternity with God is going to make all of this mess worth it.

O the Joy, O the Sorrow....truly. 

What I've Learned in 34 days of Marriage

Jon and I just celebrated 1 whole month of marriage (shouts out to us) and today I'm processing through that month and the months that came prior to it annnnnnnndd you know what??

Life is weird. Time is weird. Life is hard. Time is hard. And yet at the same time they're good too.

I always thought that I would be some superwoman by the time I was married. That I would have somehow and someway officially "made" it. Made what? I don't really know now that I think about it but I definitely thought I would be more put together than I am or at the least feel more purposeful than I currently do sitting at this computer typing to you people.

Right after we left our reception and were pulling out of the parking lot I turned to my new husband and said "I feel completely the same. Like I feel totally normal, just like I always do. Is that normal?"

He just laughed and said he didn't know but that he felt the same way.

Visual image... a new thing around here. You're welcome.

In the past 34 days more things have been the same than different. Yes, I now share a bed with a boy and all of the sudden we are constantly doing dishes and going to bed at 8pm but other than that... things are the same. 

It's the bigger things that are the same too. Like how this once single blogger turned married blogger is still struggling with the SAME sins and how I still (despite being married to the greatest man i know) can't seem to be satisfied. I thought marriage might help some of these deep rooted things... I mean pre-marriage I wasn't about to come out and say I thought they would fix them completely but deep down I think I might have. I thought that being married to Jon would be the greatest thing I have ever done and it is in so many ways but then in the other ways my pretty much perfect husband (im serious... he is a saint) still falls short at fulfilling the very depths of my soul. He can't do it. I didn't really think he could but now I know he can't. I thought my first 34 days of marriage would look a little different than they have... you know the movie type of love you see. The reality has been: 

• my husband is working harder than anyone I know and yet still doesn't have a permanent full time job. This leaves us both with anxiety and fear of the unknown... Do we really trust God?
• I have spent a good dozen of our 34 nights together crying in Jons arms because I just can't.seem.to.find.satisfaction. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and yet I feel like I am living someone else's life because if it was my life I would be skipping class right now and complaining about SING practice tonight.... 
• countless hours of trying to cook. keyword... trying. like i am not good. #pray4jon 
• all of a sudden the world is constantly wanting to know what my "occupation" is... ummmm is "working part time hoping to go back to school but don't really know anything" an option? 
• and to just add a cherry to this cake Parenthood ENDED. for GOOD. I am still crying. 

Anyway, all jokes aside (but i'm not joking about parenthood) these first 34 days have been hard in ways I didn't expect and g.o.o.d. in ways I didn't expect either! There is nothing quite like telling your husband that you just don't feel satisfied the first month of marriage and him gently and graciously telling you that it's perfectly ok to feel that way and then going on to help me process through it and wipe my tears as he goes. Jon Lasse has already been the single greatest picture of the gospel to me and I praise Jesus for him! 

However, what is the MAIN thing I have learned in 34 days of marriage??

Contentment is a discipline you must practice in any season of life. 

The worst part about marriage is the worst part about singleness... I continue to try to find satisfaction in earthly things that can't satisfy and I struggle to practice contentment. That's it. Marriage isn't hard because my husband isn't __________. Marriage (And singleness, dating, engagement, etc) is hard because we as humans continue to try to figure it all out on our own. We try to make ourselves happy with good things but not perfect and eternal things. We then pitch fits (hello me) when we realize that we aren't happy and we've tried so hard to get there all the while forfeiting things like the discipline of gratefulness and contentment not to mention fixing our focus on our only Savior. 

So, marriage is teaching me a lot. A lot about how new seasons are hard and they don't promise much of anything. It's all about what we put into it and what our perspective of it is. Exhale.... yes, persepective. Something I'll be working on today. 

One last thing I have been thinking a lot about it is how not only do I need to practice contentment but how I also need a real understanding that this world is not our home. As I continue to "decorate and nurture" my new married "home" may I always remember that the deepest longings won't come this side of heaven. And that's okay. The twinge of pain I walk around with everyday is a constant and GOOD reminder that no, this earth isn't home. Praise God! 

If you feel led, please pray for Jon and I as we continue to transition into marriage and as Jon looks for a job! Our prayer is that we will be outwardly focused, grateful, and content. That we would consistently focus on the faithfulness of our God even when life isn't how we think it should be.

Much love to ALL OF YOU from the newest Lasse! 

 

Confessions of an Unemployed College Grad...

Change is hard on everyone in some form or fashion. For me personally, (being the over-nostolgic gal that I am) change is hard in EVERY form and fashion.

When I left Waco on May 17th I had every intention of returning in August for grad school. After a series of events and decisions, I now find myself not returning to Bear Country in a few short days but rather going from one interview to the next and stamping "unemployed" all over my face. I joke about it but when it actually comes down to it not having a job, plans of any kind, or any other kind of "security" shakes me up pretty good.

For the past (almost) 23 years I have always had some(thing) that defined me. Sometimes it was dance, sports, church involvement, friends, etc. but what it always was is school. For the past 17 years I have been able to answer one simple question: "Where do you go to school?" I never dreamed that being able to answer that question would carry so much weight. What I realize now is that by answering that simple question I was essentially telling people of the place where I...

learned, grew, played, laughed, cried, created friendships, sifted through my strengths and weaknesses, was known and cared for, was challenged, fought after, and gracefully corrected. The place where I had built in community every day. 

School was so much more than a place where I went to learn and get grades back. Whether it was elementary school or college, this was the place where 75% of my life happened. Where I had huge success and epic failure. These places (aka: the people that filled these places) molded me for 17 years. Other things in life changed but having a school never did. I always had that. Until now.

I feel like people throw you big parties and offer you a ton of advice and encouragement for when you graduate high school and move off to college. And that's great (seriously) but what about when you graduate COLLEGE and you don't have school to fall back on anymore? Where are my parties and encouragement and advice? (kidding... sort of) It's like this whole "adult" thing is supposed to be the easiest transition of your life...

Graduating college and now claiming "unemployed" as my new status is teaching me a lot. {at least I know I can still learn without school...whew} I am learning that when the things that (I didn't even know define me) are stripped away, I better have something left at the core of who I am or I will become a slave to anxiety and fear. I am learning this the hard way...

Over the past 3 months I have learned a few things:

1) Saying you trust God is one thing but actually doing it is a whole other story. It's a little easier to pray a prayer asking God to help you trust Him when you don't actually need to. I realized that I prayed this prayer most often when I knew that I had things under control. Really disturbing, I know. It's harder to tell God that you trust him when you KNOW that means that if you really do trust Him then you have to be okay with that job telling you "Sorry, but you're not the right fit". Harder prayer. Better prayer. This type of trust (the really hard kind) is the most freeing thing of my life...

2) Contentment is the thief of anxiety and fear. This one is huge for me. In a season of life where it is SO easy to be discontent, I have found that discontentment brings me so much anxiety and fear. The more discontent I become with my circumstances-- the more enslaved I become to anxiety, fear, and eventually bitterness. Upon realizing this, I have been reminding myself that if discontentment is what brings these horrible things into my life, than CONTENTMENT must be the thief of them! So, I'm trying (keyword trying, people!) to be content with my circumstances... praising and thanking God for all the gifts that he has given and for the place he has me in today. Whatever that may be. 

3) I am God's daughter. Abba's child. and I am deeply cared for and loved. This has surprisingly been one of the hardest things to remember in this season of life. For some whacky reason it's easier for me to see myself as loved by God when things are going good in life. I think to myself, "yeah, things are going good... which means I must be doing something right... and God loves me!" But when I'm in a hard season of life (like this one) it's really easy for me to think, "I must be doing everything wrong. I guess I'm being disobedient and God is trying to teach me tough lessons because of that. Does He even love me?" Ofcourse, those words don't actually come out of my life because I "know" better than that. But in my heart I struggle believing those things. So, I am learning that it is an actual discipline in hard seasons to remind myself that I am Abba's child and He LOVES me. He also has good things for me-- I just need to trust... (see number 1).


So... these are my confessions. Unemployed life ain't for sissys. And TRUE life with Jesus isn't for sissys either. But the latter helps the whole unemployed thing be less hard...

because turns out some(thing) doesn't define me. Jesus does and always will--despite my job status.

Deep breaths. Trust God. Take the next step. Remind yourself He LOVES you. Repeat. 

(it helps....)

Me, the Samaritan Woman.

This summer has been a roller-coaster ride for me. Some days I see Jesus for who He is and I catch a glimpse of the bigger picture. You know, that one about Jesus and the Gospel and how it changes everything. Then other days I don't see it. I know that it's still there--that my doubt or un-belief or dis-satisfaction surely hasn't changed the reality of truth but it's hard. On these days, I cry a lot and wish that I could either 1) go back to college or 2) talk to Jon (my boyfriend) about it all. But unfortunately while Waco is still there even if I went back it wouldn't be the same and Jon is at camp--completely out of my reach for 6 out of 7 days. I am starting to learn that each day when I wake up I have a choice. I can either trust God or deny Him. When I can't change my circumstances I can either choose to trust or I can choose to show an unbelieving world that I deny the God that I say I commit my whole being to. Those are my only options. Lately, by God's grace I have started to choose that even if I can't see it... I believe that He really is who He says He is. Jesus, my God. 

Today I listend to a podcast about the passage found in John 4 where the samaritan woman meets Jesus at the well.

Imagine with me for a second...

This woman has been married 5 times and is currently living with yet another man but this time he isn't her husband. Perhaps, she's given up on marriage. She is at the well--coming to fetch water... the thing that she knows will satisfy her immediate thirst. She walked the familiar path to the well. She didn't have to ask for directions or second guess her decisions on how to get there. She knew this path-- she had walked it many times in the previous months and years and today was one in the same. She was minding her own business at the well that she came to daily in order to quench her thirst-- to satisfy her longing. Enters Jesus, the Messiah, a Jew. 

I used to always think that when I put myself in this story that I played the role of Jesus and that I needed to reach out to "lowly" people in my own life like Jesus reaches out to the samaritan woman. And I do. But today as I heard this story in a different light I realized something...

I'm that woman. I'm the samaritan woman at the well. Granted, our lives look different but we're more similar than I ever realized. Both sinners, both walking familiar paths in hopes that when we get to the well that we will finally find satisfaction.

When the whole time Jesus is there. Gently saying "Why not ask me for water?" To which we respond, "Well you don't have anything to fetch the water with. So thanks for the offer but it really is okay I got it. I can handle it. I can control my circumstances so that I know for sure that I'll get what I want... what I need." Jesus goes on to let the woman know that what He can offer is living water. The only kind of water that leaves you actually satisfied-- thirsty no more. 

But, I KNOW the path. I KNOW how to work the well. I KNOW that this will give me what I need and want. So, thanks for the offer but I got it.

Then the most amazing part of the story happens. The woman gets a glimpse. A glimpse that this man is the Messiah. He knows her story without her telling it, He knows that she doesn't have a husband and that she is living with a man whom she isn't married to, He knows her every fault and yet says, "Ask me... let me satisfy your thirst". And the woman leaves her pitcher of water there and returns to Samaria to tell of what she had seen. 

She leaves her pitcher of water there. 

What once satisfied her no longer could measure up to the glimpse of Living Water that she recieved. There was no turning back. No matter how familiar the path to the well is she no longer needs it. No matter that she has been married 5 times... she has been forgiven and cleansed by Living Water and the shame? She no longer needs it.

She leaves her pitcher of water. And she runs toward Living Water... 

and she'll thirst no more!

I'm the woman at the well. Me, the Samaritan Woman. The one coming back to the familiar path that leads to the familiar well simply because it's familiar. This is a huge revelation for me and it's backed by an even bigger promise from Jesus.

He is gently urging us to ask HIM. Not for earthly things but for Himself... which He will gladly give. And when we accept the gift of Himself the true Living Water...

we won't be wanting. i will not want. 

What is it that you are searching to satisfy you? If it's marriage... the woman at the well is a pretty clear picture that marriage isn't going to bring you the satisfaction you NEED. Is it a perfect job... it won't bring you the satisfaction you NEED. Is it that one thing you keep coming back to like the well for the samaritan woman? It won't satisfy. May we always remember that these things will.not.satisfy our souls. 

jesus will though. and he wants to. ask him. 

{Why do we settle for water coming out of the ground when we have an endless supply of Living Water at our expense?? }

It's Changing Things...

This summer is changing things.

In a sense I guess things are constantly changing; seasons in life both literally and figuratively are consistently shifting… so maybe this summer is no different. However, I think the difference can be found in the fact that I feel the change happening. It won’t just be a summer that I look back on and see how different it made me but I think it will be a summer that I look back on and I can point to this particular thing or situation and confidently say “that changed me” or “that situation made me realize things about myself that I hate” or possibly most often it will be, “sorting through those emotions/sins/insecurities made me more aware of God’s character and power and glory”. I know that I will look back and say these things because I am already saying them. It’s a rare thing for me to press into refinement as often and as hard as I have been lately and in doing so…

It’s changing things. And by things I mostly me it’s changing me.

Over the past 6 weeks I have learned 3 very important things:

1. I have an obsession with what people think about me

A very real and horrible obsession. I have known for a long time that I struggle with wanting people to have a good view of me and to fully know me and accept me despite knowing me, BUT I hadn’t realized until the past couple of weeks that this is actually an obsession of mine. A very real, horrible, and suffocating obsession. One that is sure to steal life from me if I feed it any longer. I am now constantly in a state of asking myself, “Madison are you seeking the approval of man or God?” In being faithful to ask myself this question, it is allowing me to not have to ask it as much.

2. God is more powerful, just and holy than I ever knew and even more than I know today {or will ever know this side of Heaven}

This summer has brought a lot of loneliness since I have been taken out of my normal community and brought back to the town and home I grew up in as a totally different person than I was 4 years ago when I left it for the first time.  This has been difficult but the loneliness has brought about a lot of good things in this “I just want community all the time” kind of girls life and heart. I have had more time to study God’s character and the lives of HIS community than I ever have before. I have been able to (finally) process through the things I learned in Israel and I have been daily and sometimes hourly surprised by how much I have missed about God’s character and His word in the past. God is BIG. And He is out of this world Holy and Just and Loving. He is the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and Rebekah and Adam and Eve and Ruth and Boaz and David and Paul (I’m guessing you get the picture?) and He is the SAME God that I pray to and the SAME God who is pursuing my heart relentlessly. I feel it and I’m leaning into it. And it’s changing things.

3. Forgiveness, in it’s most raw and real form is really REALLY hard

6 weeks ago I thought I knew what forgiveness was… and to an extent I did. But there is so much more to real forgiveness than I have ever given credit to. What I have learned thus far is that in order to give actual forgiveness to someone you must first be able to recognize how sinful, unclean, rotten, and fallen YOU are. Then consider that despite your sin and ugliness Jesus still went to the cross. Despite those Jesus loved most beating and forsaking Him… to the cross He still went. Despite His anxiety in the Garden ofGethsemene as He asked “Dad, please if it be possible let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will Dad but as You will.” And yup His Father didn’t rescue Him and yet He still went to the cross. What I am realizing is that it isn’t until I accept what Jesus did for me on that cross that I can actually offer true forgiveness to anyone. And because Jesus STILL went to the cross despite everything… how could I ever not forgive anyone? The ultimate act of forgiveness was showed to ME at the cross. Jesus switched cups with me once and for all. 

From my trip to Israel this past March: a picture of the communion I took IN the Garden of Gethsemene which overlooks the Temple Mount and modern day Jerusalem! Jesus took the cup of wrath so that I could forever and always have the cup of salvation and redemption! Praise God!!! 

                                                        

Won't you take this cup from me


Cause fear has stolen all my sleep


If tomorrow means my death


Pray you'll save their souls with it

In this hour of doubt I see


Who I am is not just me


So give me strength to die myself


So love can live to tell the tale

Garden: NeedtoBreath

I share the things that I am learning for two reasons; first, I love to write, to be vulnerable, to share what God is doing in and through my life because in doing so it helps me to realize even more so how BIG, and JUST, and FAITHFUL my God is. I believe that there are certain things that we each love and when we partake in them it gives us joy and life and that God intended it to be that way. For you it could be anything and for me it’s writing. Every time I write, I read back over it and cry because I am so overwhelmed by God’s goodness and faithfulness to me. So, I write. I write to remind myself of what Jesus has done and is yet to do.

Secondly, I write because I pray that in my vulnerability and willingness to share what God is doing in my life currently that it would encourage you to seek Jesus more. I know that God won’t use “my” words to encourage or challenge everyone and that’s okay. But, I trust that He will do with them as He chooses and my only responsibility is to be obedient in the writing.

So, a little glimpse into my summer of change, of loneliness in a lot of ways, but mostly of studying God’s character and His desires for me. In doing so,

It’s changing things. Jesus is changing things. Praise Him!!

already, {but} not yet... and not ever.

A lot has happened since I last blogged.

Rejected from grad school, [respectfully] appealed this rejection, got accepted to grad school, 200+ hours of internship, battled 1 [ and a half ] anxiety attack(s), spent Easter in Fayettechill, finished college (almost) oh and spent 14 days traveling and hiking through the h o l y l a n d . { stay tuned for more posts on Israel!... just know it was the best thing I've ever done and you MUST go. I'm serious... stop reading this and go hop on a plane to Tel Aviv. Best money you'll ever spend. } 

....but Israel posts must wait. (insert sobbing... from both you and me) 

 The past 3 weeks have been filled with change aka: my worst enemy. 

In 8 days I will graduate from Baylor with my BSW and we will all eat cake and take a lot of pictures and celebrate this accomplishment. With the people that I love most surrounding me, it is bound to be one of the very best days and then the next day as I drive to Tyler with Waco in my rearview mirror and the friends family I have made here spreading across the country for good I am bound to cry for a good 45 minutes at best. 

c h a n g e . 

10 days ago my boyfriend left for Uganda to visit where his parents will be moving in September to be missionaries at an orphanage called Restoration Gateway. The good news is that he comes home TODAY and the bad news is that in another 10 days he leaves for Pine Cove for the entire summer where he won't have his phone and the only way we will be able to have contact during the week is through letters that take 2 days to get back and forth to each other. [ how did people use to do this all the time?!... send advice this way asap... thanks ] 

Talking with my best gal on the phone the other day I was telling her how selfishly I was handling this whole situation. I couldn't figure out why I was so bitter about my boyfriend going to serve at a ministry that I LOVE all summer. She asked me to dig deep and without beating myself up or getting mad at myself for not feeling differently, to tell her what I thought this bitterness was rooted in. 

I reply (drumroll please)......

"because even though i'm not his wife yet i feel like i am his top earthly priority and he is mine. Except for him things like free time, and TAPS and skits and theme nights and CQ's are all going to come before me." 

(me is bolded because I unfortunately put a lot of emphasis on it in the conversation...oops) 

yup. not my brightest moment... however being vulnerable in this moment allowed myself to see where my perspective had shifted. It allowed me to see my sin and pin-point where the bitterness was coming from so I could begin to destroy it. That's how refinement works... a hard confession followed by hard shifts in perspectives and priorities all dipped and soaked in a lot of sacrifice... THIS leads to holiness. 

My priorities have been extremely out of whack as of late. Fear, anxiety, control, and discontentment have been the things that I have held dear to my heart and held tightly with clenched fists. 

In my mind and even my heart I have put my boyfriend in a place that he does not yet deserve to be-- and I have asked him to put me in the same place and now camp is threatening me with the question that where I have placed myself isn't where I yet belong. And that is hard. 

We already have the feelings, emotions, and connection we need to pursue marriage but God is saying wait. We already desire to be each others top earthly priorities but God is saying... not yet. Not because we aren't ready or aren't mature enough or financially stable enough, etc. but because we have ministry to do and commitments to fulfill that require singleness. And that's enough to wait. 

already. [ but ] not yet. 

I cannot ask my boyfriend to choose me when we haven't entered into a covenant marriage.

even more than that... 

I cannot ask my boyfriend to choose me when God has told him to ALWAYS choose Jesus before me. 

Much like how we can already be holy here on earth [ but ] we cannot obtain full holiness until we are standing face to face with Jesus at the one true wedding, I too can practice love and sacrifice within a dating relationship but cannot practice full oneness until I am standing face to face to my groom at an earthly wedding. 

Therefore, I must not claim or demand or even just expect ownership over someone that isn't yet mine.

[enter deep breaths...at least that's what helps me walk through the fire of sanctification] 

Then as my conversation with my friend went on I realized something else that is both sobering and encouraging... 

With Jesus Christ it's only already, but not yet. 

          { I can be holy here on earth but I can't obtain full holiness 

               until eternity BUT there I will obtain it. I will dwell in 

                          the house of my Lord forever. } 

but with ANY earthly thing { even marriage } I cannot have the mindset of ownership. I can't have the mindset that I have obtained or ever will fully obtain what I wanted and that a human being or an earthly possession or title or relationship will bring me to full satisfaction. 

With Jesus, I get to have the mind-set of already, but not yet-- which makes it okay that with everything else I can only have the mindset of: 

already, [but] not yet... and {not ever}. 


this world is not my home. and not even marriage should make me feel like i want to settle down here. i don't have the power to declare something mine in a place where i can't find my true house even if i looked for it the rest of my life. 

Praise the Lord that I will never have to take ownership over my life and the things and people that fill it again. Praise the Lord that His Kingdom is the only thing that is already, and yet to come. 

I have already died to my need to control, be seen as important, and to be comfortable. It's dead. 

So... I am now back to running the race of being a follower... of falling in-step with my Savior from Nazareth. Trusting that He knows best. 

He knows when I need to be single, when I need to minister and serve alone, and He knows when I need to be married. I don't have to worry about it and I certainly don't have to control it. 

Oh, and good news. 

He is faithful indeed to take bitterness and frustration away and replace it with a joyful and expectant spirit-- even when you initially let your selfishness lead you to the darkest of places. (I didn't experience this personally obviously, a friend told me.) 

Thank you, Lord. 

"Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love." -Brennan Manning 

weary and worn.

I've cried at least 3 times every day for the past 7 days. That's a lot of crying. You can go ahead and feel horrible for my parents, my friends, my boyfriend and anyone else who has had the unfortunate privilege of even coming in contact with me over the past 7 days. I know I do, so I give you the freedom to feel horrible for them as well. You're welcome.

A week ago yesterday, I was sitting at a table in McAlister's deli when I read an email that I had just received that read as following:

Madison,

Attached is the letter letting you know the decision of the committee to not accept you into the MSW program here at Baylor..........................

It said some other things too, about how they were sorry and some other "kind" words of rejection but I couldn't read the rest of it due to the tears already streaming down my face. I picked up my books and rushed out of the restaurant as strangers looked at me with the most awkward "empathetic" faces I've ever seen.

4 years ago I decided that I wanted to come to Baylor, major in Social Work, graduate in May 2014 with my Bachelors degree and then again in May 2015 with my Masters. I would have never thought that I wouldn't get into the grad school program and I also would have never thought that if I didn't get into it that I would be as shaken and broken as I currently am. I have been dealing with a very wide range of emotions from anger and bitterness to deep sadness, hurt, and betrayal. I am having to mourn something that has been my dream/goal of mine for 4 years while also looking toward the future and how I now must start to take complete different steps than I originally thought. For four years I thought that my plans come this May were secure and now in 3 months I will graduate with the possibility of having no idea where I am supposed to go from here.

A couple of days ago I went to my Heavenly Father in complete brokenness saying,

"Father, this has been my plan for the past 4 years. This has been my parents plan for me and the path that those close to me thought I was for sure to take. Lord, why did I never ask you if this was YOUR plan? Not one time did I doubt that this was what you had for me and yet now here I am with a very clear closed door. I am sorry that I never sought your guidance in this process but Lord, help me now. Strengthen my faith for it is so small right now. I am without trust in you. I am without peace and without joy. Come quickly, Lord. Here is my life... the brokenness of it and the unknown path--claim it again. I release my clenched fists, offer you back this life that isn't my own although I have claimed it to be. Forgive me, guide me, use me in any way you see fit even if it comes in the form of more rejection."

Somewhere along the way I decided that God could have parts of my life but not all of it. I didn't fully realize I was doing this but I was. I had decided that I would be willing to give him the parts of my life that I hadn't yet figured out, but the ones that I believed were already set and stone didn't need to be offered up to God.

"I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.” -Elisabeth Elliot

I have been clinging to this everyday lately. I have been realizing that rejection is painful and that that's ok. I have also been realizing that I needed God to do something like this to grab hold of my attention. I don't want to admit that and it's a lot easier to sit around and let people tell me that they feel sorry for me while I feel sorry for myself. But the problem with doing this is that it leaves no room for sanctification, growth or refinement. It only leaves room for self-pity and selfishness.The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by God letting us have our way in the end but by Him making us w a i t .

Waiting is hard. Waiting is especially hard for a control freak like myself. So it makes since that God would ask me to wait in order to show me Himself.

Rejection or doors being shut or slammed in some cases, is something that is difficult and often times requires grieving. Like I mentioned earlier, this is where I currently find myself.

In Kyle Lake's last sermon that he was never able to preach at UBC Waco he was talking all about living life well. And he says this,

"If you have recently experienced loss, grieve. And grieve well."

Loss can come in many ways and forms and for my case recently it has come in the form of a lost dream and a lost goal. I am quick to beat myself up for being so upset about something that "isn't a huge deal" but this mentality doesn't allow myself time to grieve and to do it well.

I have doubted whether or I should try and write all of this out because I am still in a grieving process and I don't have anything "figured out" but I think that's the point... the point is that I don't have to have it figured out. I don't have to have something profound to say or be able to give a specific answer for all those who are going through something similar to me. The only answer I have right now is Jesus. And I am starting to finally not just say that this is the best place to be but I am starting to know, believe, and am absolutely banking on it.

I am in a place of grieving and I don't want to stay here. But just because I don't want to be here doesn't mean that I don't have to walk through the process. I must walk this path and I would be wise if I let Christ lead and sought to find my rest in Him along the way.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:21-30 MSG)

I am tired and worn. I am burned out on school and on not knowing where to go from here. 

And with this My Father says c o m e  t o  m e 

get away with me and you'll recover your life. 

i will show you how to take a real rest. 

learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

i will not lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

keep company with me and you will learn

to live freely... and l i g h t l y . 

I am weary and worn. I am going through the stages of grief and while it's necessary to do this well, I also have a lot of Truth that I need to remind myself of. 

In this world we are PROMISED trouble... but take heart because He has overcome the world. Take HEART... He is behind you, beside you, beneath you, above you, in front of you and IN you. Join me in offering your un-met expectations, lost dreams, hurt and pain to a GOD WHO CARES. 

I am weary and worn but God calls me friend. 

I am weary and worn but God is strong and kind. 

I am weary and worn but God withholds no good thing from me. 

I am weary and worn but God's grace a b o u n d s . 

I am weary and worn but God offers R E S T . 

I am weary and worn but God is Emmanuel... He is with me. 

i can learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 
i can speak Truth to my weary and worn soul. 

i can exchange my unwanted baggage and pain for a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light. 

i can walk with my savior, redeemer, friend, guide, and the author of my life. 

i can fall in step with the man from Nazareth. and nothing else matters... what a gift for this weary and worn soul.