Life Lately: Dating, Change, and Letting Go.

If you remember, this summer I wrote a blog series on singleness. If you don't remember, you can scroll on over to the side of this blog and check it out! This summer, I was l o v i n g being single and I truly mean loving it. I got to a point where I finally felt like I had "figured" out this whole singleness thing and I was starting to find myself comfortable in it. Then.... I did a 10 day fast with one of my dear friends (check out her blog here ) where we decided that we wanted to grow into deeper intimacy with Jesus and knew that for this specific season one way we could do this is by fasting from guys. Not that guys are bad and not that we would run away from them when we saw them, BUT we wanted to be radical in a way for a short time in order to get our focus back to where we wanted it... on Christ. That being said, on day 7 of this "boy fast" I felt like God was saying this to me...

"Madison, you have finally learned to trust me with your singleness but will your trust in Me reach over into your dating life? If I was to give you the gift of dating rather than the gift of singleness would you still trust that I am good, just, and loving? Will you let me guide you out of comfort? Will you step out of something that you feel like you are an "expert" in and walk into something you know nothing about...??" 

I was immediately shaken by this because God's voice was so clear to me. I felt like He was speaking to me in a way that He had rarely done before...or maybe I was just listening better. But regardless, I could feel like I was being called into something that was foreign to me... called to walk into the unknown, to be obedient without knowing how I would be perceived or what the outcome would hold. I was fearful because I could feel the calm before the storm in a way. I fear change more than almost anything in this world and I felt like God was preparing me for a season of change and that it was going to come in the form of dating. And while I knew that I wanted to be obedient... it wasn't going to happen without a fight from my end. And fighting I did...

A few weeks go by after the fast and turns out what God was telling me was exactly what He had prepared for me to walk into... a season of change which came exactly in the form of dating. While I would love to tell you all about the past month and a half of dating a wonderful, patient and God-fearing man that isn't the point of this blog post at all. So, feel free to message me or ask me next time you see me for the full story but as of now, this is what God has been teaching me... 

i like to be in control. 

this is the first thing that God began to reveal to me and is continuing to reveal to me. I have (unfortunately) over my lifetime developed a habit of wanting to control things. Anything from controlling where we're going to go to dinner to wanting to control how my life is going to pan out... 

which leads me to my next realization. As a true follower and disciple of Christ... 

i cannot write my own story. 

 and I should not be trying to. 

The more intimately I walk with Jesus the more I realize how detrimental it is for me to have the desire to control things, and the desire to write my life out the way I think it should be written. What a pathetic excuse for the gospel!! When Jesus first called His disciples it is important to note that He didn't say "Pray about your decision, see how you feel about it and then come and follow Me." It sounds humorous because we know that isn't at all what happened but I think more times than we want to admit that this is how we think Jesus calls us. This is not the case. Not in the least. 

¹⁸ Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee. He saw two brothers. They were Simon (his other name was Peter) and Andrew, his brother. They were putting a net into the sea for they were fishermen. ¹⁹ Jesus said to them, “Follow Me. I will make you fish for men!” ²⁰ At once they left their nets and followed Him.

²¹ Going from there, Jesus saw two other brothers. They were James and John, the sons of Zebedee. They were sitting in a boat with their father, mending their nets. Jesus called them. ²² At once they left the boat and their father and followed Jesus. -Matthew 4:18-22 

This is a perfect example of how Jesus calls us to follow Him. Both times Jesus immediately calls these men to follow Him. He doesn't tell them to wait around until you think He proves Himself worthy of trust to follow. He doesn't say wait here until I give you clarity that this is going to look the way you want it to. He doesn't say to go and ask a bunch of people for advice on what to do to follow. 

He just says f o l l o w. He says urgently, to drop your nets and choose to follow. Choose to take the first step of obedience and then the next, and then the next, and then the next. He will not reveal to you the reasoning of His plan before you take the step of obedience because that requires absolutely no faith. Choose to believe He is good and worthy of your trust no matter what season of life He has called you into. 

This leads me to my latest revelation which is... 

i used to pray for clarity but now i pray for trust... 

I used to spend all my time begging Jesus to give me clarity in what I need to do and how I need to do it but now I am finally realizing that if I am a true disciple of Jesus that I am not in control so why do I need clarity? What I need is to see my God as a big, loving, powerful and kind owner of my life and then to TRUST that where He leads me will be where I need to be... in His presence and for His glory. I need to count all that I have as LOSS compared to what I gain in surrendering, serving, and following Jesus. I need not to worry, because I am not the owner of my life. I must only have faith and obedience to what He has called me into. I must only steward well what He has given me. 

life is better when i don't have control. life is better when I trust the One worthy of my very self--my very life and when I live for Him and His renown.  

so, nowadays i am trying daily to lean into change, trusting Him because of who He is and letting go of control. 

it's good. plus, turns out dating isn't so bad. who knew?