Happy 50th, Dad. I love you.

To Little Daddy,

Things I know to be true because of you:

1.     I’m a sparkler.

2.     I can run further than I ever thought I could.

3.     Any day can be made better just by turning on Caedmon’s Call.

4.     Anyone who can write, “Hold me Jesus” is a genius.

5.     That Baylor University is one of the best places on earth to be. I love being a Bear with you!

6.     My passion for things is good, wanted, and needed.

7.     It’s always better to choose words wisely and to hold my tongue.

8.     That the Vince Gill Christmas album will make me feel like its Christmas like nothing else can.

9.     That the Dallas Cowboys won’t be good again until Jerry is gone but that doesn’t mean we won’t support, love, and watch every single game because that’s how you be a true fan and plus, they’ll always be America’s team.

10.   That Ping Pong is fun to play and even more fun when it’s against you and Sara Evans is playing in the background.

11.  That if I ever put too many Christmas lights on my house you will forever and always call me Griswoldian.

12.  That I can ski Blacks good but Blues better (and it’s more fun).

13.  That sports are a way to bring people together and spending time and money on things that you and the people around you are passionate about is worth it and can change lives and relationships—not to mention create some of the best memories.

14.  That Dirk sings “We are the Champions” better than anyone ever has or will.

15.  That Tyler, Texas was and always will be the perfect hometown.

16.   That hard work pays off and giving away what you have earned is not only good but also necessary… you give of what you’ve earned better than anyone I know.

17.  That I am beautiful.

18.  That I am worthy of being pursued by a Godly man… (Hopefully one like you!)

19.  That I am loved. By you and mom but more importantly by my perfect Heavenly Father.

20.   That I am your daughter and that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and because of these things I am cherished, held tight, chosen, and deeply loved.

Daddy,

I would be lost without you. You speak identity and truth into me in a way that no one else does. I never feel more safe and loved than when I am with you. Thank you for all that you do for me. I am eternally grateful that the Lord would let me call you Dad and I can’t begin to explain how much I have benefited from that. I love you deeply and I cannot wait to continue to add to the list of things that you have taught me and the things that I know to be true and good because of you and the way you have loved me. You truly are the best and I am blessed to call you my little daddy. Happy 50^th! Celebrating you today and everyday.

I love you,

Little Dee 

I Conquered my Biggest Fear.

(Happy Wednesday! Since taking a break from blogging during the season of Lent, it has now been almost 2 months since I have blogged! All that to say, while I needed and even enjoyed fasting from blogging I am so excited to start writing again... Thanks for reading!) 

The past 2 or 3 weeks have been hard. I don't like admitting that because I can't point to this or that in my life and be like, "look, that's why I feel this way, okay? And can't you see that I deserve to feel like this?" Nope. It's just been one of those weeks (or 3) where good things are happening all around me and yet I feel like someone has robbed me of genuine joy. It's been the type of week(s) where you get to the end of it and look to the next week and you just know that it will get better because another thing falling apart just seems mean. Then, you get to the next week and the one thing that you were holding onto to make you feel better suddenly crumbles in your hand. Then you realize that this is it, this is the moment and moments where you can choose joy, you can choose to love, and you can choose Jesus... and yet for some reason you don't do it. You're stuck and you're beating yourself up for not being better. 

That has been my life as of late and while I normally pride myself on my ability to be vulnerable, I have been doing anything but lately. I have instead run away from almost every situation where I have had to opportunity to tell the people who love me, "Hey, I'm struggling. I don't want to be but I am." 

Yesterday morning I woke up to a note from one of my roommates that said, 

"Mads, you have been on my heart this morning. Praying that you will find peace and rest today." 

Then the same day I walk out of class to find a note on my car from one of my best friends that said,

"Mads, I want to hear about your life. I feel like you're avoiding it. Talk to me." 

I sat in my car holding the note and knew that I had a choice. I could either continue to ignore the war waging inside of my heart like I had been doing or I could let go of my selfish pride and tell someone about how I feel, about how I don't understand and how for the first time in a long time I feel like I don't have any answers for myself or anyone else and that most of all... I'm scared. 

So, by the grace of God I drove myself to my friends house who had left the note on my car, walked inside and with tears streaming down my face I admitted that something was wrong and that I didn't have an answer for myself and that I was mad about. Really mad. I felt ashamed, naked, and most of all weak. In my head I knew that I wasn't lesser of a person because I was shaken and upset but in my heart I didn't. 

She looks at me and calmly says, "Why are you so scared?... What's your biggest fear?" 

I sat there for a little while letting myself cry and then reluctantly admitting that my biggest fear was failing my friends and family... coming up short of the expectations that I want my friends to have of me. I've known for awhile that this was my biggest fear but saying it out loud made it sound even more ridiculous then it already sounded in my head. Then she said the craziest and smartest thing I think she's ever said.... 

"Mads, that's great!!! You've conquered your biggest fear! Seriously, congratulations! You've already failed me many times and look at you... you're fine! You're breathing, I'm breathing and absolutely nothing about our friendship has changed." 

I stared at her for probably 5 seconds trying to take in what she had just said and then I lost it. Not crying... laughing. Like, I went from crying to laughing so hard that I started to cry again but this time it was the good kind of tears. 

People, that is true friendship. True community. And most importantly true Grace. 

You see, I have always struggled with accepting grace. I can give it freely and easily but when someone wants to give it to me-- I refuse it. And that is not a good or honorable thing. It's a sick and selfish thing to do and I have been caught up in living this way for quite sometime. 

I want to be "perfect" for my friends because I feel like being a good friend gives me value. For most of my life I have felt like the only thing that I had to offer anyone was my friendship. If I couldn't be a perfect student or a perfect athlete or have the perfect personality then I could at least fall back on knowing that I have the ability to be the perfect friend-- and so that's what I set out to do. I wanted to be the best friend that anyone had ever had, the only problem is that I wanted to be this for everyone. My mentality began to look something like this...

Wait, you don't have a best friend? It's okay.. I can be it. It's what I'm good at. Actually, it's the only thing I'm good at. And if you need a friend then I want to be it and you can expect that I am going to be the best one you've ever had. So go ahead and have high expectations of me. All 30 of you, because I am going to meet them all!!! 

And yes, as you expected... I couldn't do it. I can't do it. 

My biggest fear over the years became failing my friends BECAUSE being a good the best friend to people became my goal. This became my goal because this is what I felt like gave me worth. You tracking with me?? Here's the deal: 

i can fail my friends b/c i am a sinner.

they will be okay b/c i am not their savior.

i can must accept grace b/c i am not jesus. 

they will love me b/c they love jesus. 

i will love them b/c i love jesus. 

& not b/c it makes me feel like i have worth.

What is it that you feel like gives you worth? If there is something that you do well and you cringe and cry and scream (ok, maybe i'm the only one?) at the thought of it being taken away then it is time to think about whether or not it is an idol in your life. 

being a good friend was and is mine. i have to start putting this at the feet of Jesus, trusting that He is going to use me and mold me how He sees fit. i must let go of my desire to control this thing that i think gives me worth. 

I invite you all to join with me in giving up the thing that you feel like makes you matter to this world FOR the only thing that does matter. the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

So.. that's the story of how i conquered my biggest fear yesterday. guess what? i conquered it again today... and chances are i'll probably do it tomorrow. 

good thing His Grace is SUFFICIENT. Amen? 

Amen. 

Things I Don't Do.

I am addicted to wanting to do everything. Not only do I want to do everything but I want to do it all well. And not only do I want to do everything well but I want to be everything to everyone. Yes, even you. I would love to come over to your house and listen to you tell me all of your problems and then tell you how to fix them. I truly do want to listen and then I truly do want you to do what I say. So sweet, right? Yeah, not so much. 

It has been a hard reality for me to accept that I cannot under any circumstance do everything well or be everything to everyone  anyone. It has been maybe an even harder reality for me to accept the fact that if I do have the opportunity to give advice to someone that they should be really careful as to listen to it because I am indeed human, fallen and often times... wrong. So with every word I say or type-- know that this is just my heart and my story. You would be wise to take my words with a grain a salt and to seek Christ and His word for all answers. 

I am currently (re) reading the book, Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. I love this book and recommend it to anyone! In a specific chapter titled, "Things I Don't Do", Shauna talks about the importance of recognizing the things that you do and the things that you don't do. She goes on to talk about how you need to know what is important to you and then know what you are willing to give up for those things. In other words, what are things that you do because you are most passionate about them and because the Lord has gifted you in those areas and then, what are the things that you don't do? Because at the end of the day, you just like me aren't Superman and can't accomplish it all. 

Things I do: 

I am a Christ follower and a slave to Him alone. Above all else, I strive to keep my faith in Christ as the center of my everything. I am the daughter of the King of Kings and I must cultivate my relationship with Him on a daily basis. I am a part of my church community and I serve on it's behalf within the church and out into the larger community of the City of Waco. 

I am a daughter, sister, roommate, and friend. I do everything that I can to nurture and grow these relationships because after my commitment to Christ these people come next. I work hard at being intentional and staying connected with these individuals because I feel called and equipped by my Heavenly Father to do so. Living and learning and simply being with these people breaths life into me and so I do friendship, I do family and I do covenant relationships. I give my time and energy and prayer to these people, trusting that the Lord will continuously reveal to me who these people are and need to be-- for I recognize that seasons are always changing. 

I am a student and I am a Chi-O. While I often times feel like I come up short in these categories, these are still things that I do and things that I am committed to. These are the things that keep me busy and things that bring me joy. Things that have taught me the importance of commitment and how you can't have true commitment without sacrifice. These things have stretched me and have molded me. For that, and for other reasons, I am thankful. 

I am a reader, a journal writer, a blogger, a runner and an adventurer. While some might say that these are things on the list that could stand to go on the days when I feel like I don't have enough time-- these are the things that give me energy and the things that make me feel closest to my sweet Jesus. So they stay. 

Things I don't do: 

I don't cook. I want to and maybe (hopefully) one day I will but as of today--I really don't. 

I don't keep my room spotless and I never make my bed. I will forever and always wonder why people make something that they are just going to un-do in mere hours? 

I don't keep up with fashion and I rarely dress cute. If you find yourself looking at me thinking that I look cute then it's a safe bet that my roommates (or Lydia) dressed me. 

I start more books than I finish and as a person who obsesses over books thats hard for me to admit.

I don't paint my nails. I don't even know how. I also don't blow dry my hair. Who has time for that? 

I don't pull all-nighters and I put my work off until the last minute. Yes, your thoughts are correct this is a recipe for disaster. If I have a project due the next day that I haven't started until the night before, 10 times out of 10 I am going to bed regardless. 

I don't like huge groups of people and I don't hang out with them if I can avoid it. 

I don't do change well... but I don't fight it anymore either. 

It's not easy to make your list of the things that you don't do. This is especially true for someone like me who refuses most of the time to admit that there actually is in fact a limit to the things that I am capable of doing.  BUT,  what I am realizing is that this list sets me free. 

When I am tempted to go try and do everything and be everything for everyone I remember this list. I remember the important things, the ones that He has so clearly called me to and so clearly given me the ability to do. I don't have the ability to do it all and that's okay, because there are other people who get to fill in the gaps that I can't fill. Thats the beauty of it all. The beauty of community. 

When someone who is hurting needs someone to listen, I can go and do. But when someone who is hurting needs cookies to make them feel better, then I accept that they want good cookies and not burnt ones and I call my Betty Crocker roommates who can quickly and joyfully deliver. 

At the end of the chapter, Shauna says this: 

"The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being." 

Be comfortable and confident in who God has made you to be and then go do the things that you can do and stop obsessing over the things that you can't do because guess what? God has someone who can do them and it doesn't have to be you or me. 

Cheers to Starvation.

My flesh has been extremely prominent in my life lately. I am aware that my flesh is always there, always begging for attention from me. However, the past couple of weeks it seems like it's been harder to quiet. It's been clingy, needy, and desperate. More times than not, I have been giving into the worldly things that help quiet my flesh down. To put it more simply, I have been choosing to feed a hungry flesh with things that only make it more hungry. And all of this has made me think a lot about something...

It's okay good to let my flesh go hungry. To refuse to give it food. To put it into a state of starvation. 

This might seem obvious, but I don't think we really grasp this. I know that I haven't and that I am still struggling to. We live in a society that tells us to satisfy our desires as quickly as possible. Rarely to we practice the discipline of waiting. We don't like the way we feel when we are having to wait for something and we definitely don't like the way we feel when we are abstaining from something that we know has satisfied us in the past. Because of this, the trend I have noticed in my own life as well as in the life of those I live the closest with, is that we just don't wait--we don't abstain simply because it doesn't feel good in the moment. Sure, we tell ourselves it isn't all about feelings but then we go on to act like it's all about feelings. We say one thing and then we let our actions tell another. This type of living is dangerous and it doesn't give much credit to the Gospel that we proclaim.

When I have weeks like the past couple that I have had, I am really tempted to follow and to feed my flesh. To even go as far as to become friends with it. Maybe even best friends.

But I must not do this. I have the fuel that I need to walk by the Spirit. I have everything that I need to choose godliness because my sweet Savior's word has said so.

2 Peter 1:3 says this: "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who has called us by His own glory and goodness". 

Faith and trust in Jesus will quiet my flesh. Faith that He will give life to this body in the same way He gave life to Christ's. It was faith in the resurrection that allowed Jesus to walk to the Cross and it's that same faith that allows me to starve my flesh. Worldly things will also quiet my flesh but only temporally and in the lamest of ways.

C.S Lewis says it way more eloquently than I ever could when he says this:

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Heres the challenge that I am giving myself and I offer it to you as well:

Choose the Spirit. Starve your flesh. 

Trust that God is your Shepherd and that He is good.  He withholds nothing good from you and He knows what you need and when you need it. 

My flesh is indeed needy and hungry. But today and everyday I get to tell my flesh that it's okay that it isn't satisfied right now. It can continue to long and can continue to be needy without me feeding it. One day in the same way that my soul is satisfied by the sweetness of my Savior, my flesh will be too. When my flesh meets Jesus face to face then it will find complete satisfaction but until that day it won't be satisfied and that's okay. 

My prayer is that I will accept this truth. Cheers to starvation. 

five eighths.

Last week after I (finally) finished my all of my finals, I called my dad to let him know I was done and he said "Way to go Dee, you're 5/8 of the way done with college!"

That's when it hit me. I am over half-way done with college and yet so much of me feels like it just started.

As I have been home, I have been thinking a lot about my time at Baylor so far and specifically this past semester. I think back to the day when my parents dropped me off at 315 Collins and how scared, lonely, and un-prepared I felt to move from the only town and home I had ever known to a place that I didn't know and a place that didn't know me.

On August 29th, 2010 I wrote this in my journal: "I've been at Baylor for a week. I wish I could say that I am enjoying it but that would be a lie. I feel like I've been at camp and now it should be time to go home but that I am stuck here. I miss my family, my friends, and especially Brook Hill. I miss feeling known. I know that I have to give it time but I can't help but wonder if I'll ever enjoy it here." 

I can't help but smile and feel extremely grateful when I read over my journal entries from my first semester at Baylor. I smile and laugh over the passion that spilled out onto those pages because I didn't know where else to turn to, and I am grateful over the begged for prayers that the Lord has so clearly answered since then. It is one of the best reminders of His faithfulness in my life and in the lives of those I journaled about. Great is His faithfulness yesterday, today, and forevermore. 

This semester, my fifth one, was the best yet. I think these pictures might do it better justice then my words! 

Every monday, wednesday, and friday morning was spent with this little one. We started playing at the early hour of 7 in the morning and didn't stop until 12! We went on walks, learned new words, asked a lot of questions, went to Lake Waco, went to Baylor, met a lot of Dee Dee's friends, and watched more episodes of Dora the Explorer then anyone would want or care to know. I learned a lot from Norah Rose this semester and I love her more than I thought possible! 

Labor Day weekend was spent outside of Austin at my roommate Katherine's lake house. It was the first trip we took as roommates, and a good one at that. We ate a lot of good food, jet-skiied, kayaked, and went to bed at 10 both nights. Every girl's dream. I am blessed and refined daily by living with these three. 

I celebrated 21 years with the best of them in Austin! Thankful for memories on memories with these chica's this semester. 

Made it to the State Fair with Chi-O (before) Big Tex died! 

On October 13th this little girl got MARRIED! Emma has been my longest and closet friend. Emma and Daniel met at my house a little over 4 years ago and I had the honor of standing beside her as her Maid of Honor and my brother had the honor of standing beside Daniel as his Best Man for him and Dan have been best friends for years also. It was one of the best weekends of my life and it has been so cool to see Daniel and Emma living life together! 

Every Tuesday morning was spent at Cafe Capp with these two beauties. They spur me on to look more like Jesus and I am thankful for their encouragement and grace in my life. This picture was after Pigskin this year during Homecoming! 

On November 9th, the Barker family went from 3 to 4 with the addition of little Ruby Meredith. She's the cutest thing and it's been so cool to see NR be a big sister to her "baby Ruby"! 

This was the night that Baylor beat #1 ranked K-State and we all rushed the field! It's been quite the journey for Baylor football the past 2 years but this was probably my favorite game of my Baylor career thus far! 

During dead days my roommates and I took it upon ourselves to mark some things off of my bucket list! It made the last week in Waco so much more fun and we even made a trip to Madisonville and back in one night to go to Buc-ee's! 

Blessed beyond measure that this girl gets to be my little and one of my best friends. 

We ended the semester going to Chi-O's Christmas in Salado. 

So, there you have it. 5 semesters down and only 3 to go. As I left Waco last week to head home I was overwhelmed by the feelings that I have for that city and for Baylor and for the people that fill them both. It is crazy to me that my first semester at Baylor was spent longing for home and now as I sit here typing this I am longing for the home that I have made and found in Waco. I am thankful for the friends I have been given who encourage me daily to choose You over my flesh. I am thankful for teachers who have guided me so gracefully and who have given me a better glimpse of God's because of how they have chosen to lead me. I am thankful for a church who has inspired me to love the people who call Waco home well. I am thankful for parents who work hard and selflessly so that I can live life in Waco and get the education that I desire and love. I am thankful for Social Work and all that comes with it. My eyes have been opened to the needs that God's people have and I am grateful for the opportunity to be trained in how to best help meet those needs. 

I am grateful and my heart is full. 

Here's to 3 more semesters, Baylor. I am looking forward to it. 

Hallelujah, I rest Secure.

Over the past week I have had the privilege of having some of the best conversations that I have ever had with some of my closest friends while being in college. The past month for my specific group of friends has been one of heartache, stress, and growth. While some of us are struggling with expectations from people that weren't met, dreams that weren't fulfilled or just the stress of finals coming up and grades being lower than expected one common theme has come into focus... insecurity. 

I have come to realize over the past couple of weeks that it is extremely hard for a college aged girl, specifically one that is in the bible-belt, to admit that they are insecure. Insecurity is supposed to be only for middle school girls, right? Once you hit your 20's you aren't suppose to struggle with body image anymore and you aren't suppose to worry if people don't like you, right? Our society today tells us that we should know who we are by now and if people don't like us then that's their problem. Our society screams to us that if you are insecure-- you are weak. 

Sadly, the reality is that often times we spend our days walking around with a confident exterior hoping that it is covering up the interior parts of who we are. The depths and depths of insecurity that plague our very souls. The problem with covering it up and wishing it away just because it "shouldn't be there" is that you are completely missing your opportunity to live in true community. You are missing your chance to let someone else know that they aren't alone. You are missing your chance to let someone redirect your perspective and your path back to the Gospel. You are missing your chance to confess so that you can then be fully healed by Jesus Christ who loves you deeply.

You see, this season of pain for a lot of my friends has brought about the best community that we have ever had. When you let go of your desire to be perceived as perfect to one another, you receive the gift of true friendship-- true community. 

Insecurity, whether we want to admit it or not, is a daily struggle for most girls -- of all ages. We deeply desire to be admired, treasured, and as scary as it is, even worshiped. We become a little more insecure with every expectation that goes un-met. The even scarier part is that when we do not openly admit and confess our insecurity, we allow ourselves to wallow and to build up bitterness towards others and towards ourselves. However, when we DO admit our insecurity to each other we then open the doors to allow one another to be the body of Christ. We can then be encouraged and encourage one-another. We can then fight lies and sin together and not alone. We can then finally be what Christ intended for us to be for one another all along. 

Vulnerability does not equal weakness. This is a lie that I chose to believe for a long time. When I finally let myself believe that vulnerability with my friends was a good thing, I began to see the intimate work of true friendship being done in my own life. This type of friendship has become a weapon I use to fight sin and has changed the very core of me. Vulnerability is hard but it pales in comparison to what we receive because of it. 

Be open with one-another and I promise your lives, your heart, and your spirit will be richly blessed. 

Me and Sanctification are Fighting

I want to be sanctified. 

I don't want to look the same tomorrow as I do right now.  

I want to look more like Jesus tomorrow than I do today. 

But... I don't want to go through the process. I fear the fire and heat of sanctification. 

I want the end goal of sanctification but I don't want actual sanctification. 

The problem with wanting to look more like Jesus tomorrow than I do today, without wanting sanctification, is that it is completely impossible. What I am starting to realize is that I will look more like Jesus tomorrow because of what I do today. 

So... me and sanctification are fighting. And unfortunately for me, more times than not, I am winning. 

I have struggled (or used as an excuse) with thinking that if I am striving for holiness then I must be working for my salvation... however, this is not the case. There are too many to count verses in the New Testament that spur us on to pursue our own sanctification for that excuse to stand true. 

Before I go any further hear me out on something very important:  If you are a believer of Jesus Christ and you have trusted Him as your Lord and Savior then YES, your sins have already been cancelled. Fab Sharford says this, 
"The Cross doesn’t make the battle for holiness superlative, it makes it possible.  It guarantees success."  
On this Cross, Jesus bought or purchased for us a new heart that is now governed by the Holy Spirit. We are now new creations and we are submitting ourselves, our whole selves, to a God who is in the business of destroying sin. This should mean that we too, are in the business of killing sin. 

I believe now more than ever, that pursuing holiness and sanctification for a believer is not optional.

You will not be perfect. You will fail. I will fail. I do fail.  My prayer though is that I will stop letting that be an excuse. I pray that I will remember my identity that Christ has given me, and that I will start to believe Him when He says that He has given me everything I need for godliness. 

So may it be known that I am tired of fighting sanctification. I am tired of winning. 

Sanctification, I am forfeiting. I pray that today and every day from here on out that you will win in my life. I pray that I will not run away from you but that I will let my God use you to wreck my life, the one that I don't own. 

I am done fighting you and I am ready to fight sin. 

So... I am in the business of killing sin now. Trusting that my Jesus is leading my every step and providing me with strength and purpose with every breath I take.