Lust: Start the Conversation

l u s t . even typing that word seems gross. 

Over the past few months I have become wrecked with the realization that lust and sexual immorality is effecting every person I come in contact with in some way. Conversations have left me sick, empty, or crying over people's stories where sexual sin has completely taken over their lives--where they are sons and daughters of our one true King and yet are living as if they are slaves to sexual sin. My friends are these people. I am this person.

stuck.depressed.confused.humiliated.ashamed.  and in the d a r k about it all.

I used to believe the lie that I was the only girl in this world that struggled with lust. It was a guy thing and I wasn't normal for struggling with it. I was alone and therefore I couldn't talk about it with anyone.

Through hard but the most freeing conversations I have ever had, I have come to realize that the true reality of this situation is that e v e r y o n e struggles in some way with lust and giving into sexual sin. We are sexual beings after all so I am not sure why this surprises so many of us. These conversations should have been happening a long time ago and honestly, this blog post should have been written a long time ago as well.

When things are kept in the dark I truly believe that satan has tremendous power. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy... and last time I checked those things are always easier to get away with in the dark.

Heres the deal:

-I am a sinner. The worst one. I am without fail going to FAIL, without Christ.
-I have a Savior who has saved me from my sin. Purchased me. I am owned by Him and He sees me without blemish or stain.
-That same Savior has told me that it is not good to live alone and has provided me with community.

Why would I think that it's okay to keep certain sins a secret? Why in the world would I want to give the enemy that kind of power? I don't and I certainly am not going to anymore. I challenge you to do the same and hope that the rest of this post can help you understand lust a little better and help give you the courage to fight it with every weapon available to you.

lust: craving sexually what God has forbidden. 
(definition comes from the book "Sex is not the Problem: Lust Is")

John Piper explains lust with this simple equation:

"Lust is a sexual desire minus honor and holiness" 

When we lust, we take this very good and God given thing-- sexual desire-- and we remove from it honor and holiness. That's huge. That's sin and that sin is destroying our generation.

"For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit." (1 Thessalonians 4:7-8) 

In my personal battle against lust I have realized that the playoff of lust is a continual lust for more. Enough lust is never enough lust. When you give into lust because the desire or urge is just too strong you are actually not at all satisfying that desire-- you are only making it stronger. To make something lose it's desire you must starve it. If you stop eating sugar all of a sudden the next day you are still going to desire it but eventually that desire will deminish. However, if you just keep giving into it all you will want is more more more .

So at this point you are probably saying "That's great Madison and yeah lust sucks but I can't give it up. I've tried and tried and tried. All I do is fail so I might as well just stop. I can't keep focusing on it because if I do all I am focusing on is failure."

And to that, I would say that I totally understand and that I think you have the wrong plan for battle. 

With that mindset you are stepping into a battlefield looking toward men who have knifes, guns, and bombs and all you have is yourself and a BB gun. You'll get somewhere but pretty quickly you're going to fail-- badly.

John Piper says this:

"We must fight fire with fire. The fire of lust's pleasures must be fought with the fire of God's pleasures. If we try to fight the fire of lust with prohibitions and threats alone-- even the terrible warnings of Jesus-we will fail. We must fight it with the massive promise of superior happiness. We must swallow up the little flicker of lust's pleasure in the conflagration of holy satisfaction." 

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to set boundaries you are going to fail.

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to starve yourself of triggers to lust you are going to fail.

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to have accountability you are going to fail.

While these things are good (and recommended!) ,when used as tools against lust without fixing our eyes, hearts, and minds on Jesus-- we will fail.

Hear me on this: We don't abstain from pre-marital sex so that we can high five our spouse on our wedding day and say, "Yes! We did it! We are virgins!"

We abstain from pre-marital sex because we want to be h o l y . 

we abstain from all sexual sin because we desire holiness. 

The thing I am beginning to truly believe is that if we ever expect to find victory over lust, we have to believe with our whole hearts that God is against our lust not because He is against pleasure but because He is committed to it. 

God knew what He was doing when He created us as sexual beings. He created us and

saw that it was good. 

We are the ones that have created a distorted view of sex and we are the ones that are currently (or will have to in the future) suffer from the consequences of that distorted view and the things we have done because of it.

God put sex in marriage for a reason-- leave it there. All of it.

I think that unfortunately for us, some type of sexual sin is a part of all of our stories. Maybe it's part of our past story or maybe it's your current story and maybe it's been part of your story for a long time.

Regardless-- while it is a part of your story it isn't THE story.

When you have accepted Jesus into your life and heart-- the gospel is your story. 

the cross is your story and it is there that your sin was paid for once and for all. 

fight sexual sin-- and all sin for that matter-- because you want to be holy. because you want to be like

j e s u s . 

not because you want to check things off of a list, make your girlfriend or boyfriend happy or anyone happy for that reason. 

fight it because Jesus died for it on the cross and He is giving you Himself as a weapon. 

fight it because the gospel set you f r e e 

f r e e to be h o l y 

there is no better reason. 

Hop off the computer, go find community, start having these conversations, bring darkness to light and TRUST that Jesus was serious when He said that He came to give us life... 

full and abundant life. 

Peace Out, Happily Ever After

I can remember as early as 4 years old wanting my 'Prince Charming' to come and take me away. As a 4 year old I don't think I knew much, if anything, about what a romantic relationship looked like or what the purpose was... but I did know that I wanted it and that it had to come in a very specific way. At 4 years old I might not have known much but I did know one thing to be true:

 I was a Princess waiting for my Prince. Why did I know this at such a young age?

everything around me told me that is what I needed to be happy. 

every store, every show, every single movie I watched my entire life told me that...

I deserve to live {h a p p i l y ever a f t e r}& that would happen when my Prince arrived and only then.

The more thought I give this the more of a tragedy that I think it is. I am mad at times when I think of what our culture has done to our hearts and minds. To the heart and minds of girls and boys at the young age of 4. The lies that they fed us and continue to feed us. I want to throw up at the thought that my own daughter will most likely struggle with this even more than I did because our culture is constantly progressing and constantly searching for more pleasure, more "beauty", more more more.

At 4 years old I'm not sure how much of a choice we have in what we let our eyes see and our hearts believe but at 22 years old I indeed do have a choice. I know full well, too well, what a life looks like when you choose to believe the lie that we need what our culture has told us will satisfy.

It's like I am choosing to eat on a paper plate when fine china that has been created, crafted, and molded just for me is being offered. I could choose to take it for all I have to do is r e a c h... yet, I know what the paper plate is like. It's not perfect, it isn't even that good but I know it and therefor I can control it.

Our society didn't just teach us that we can choose, change, and manipulate who, when, and how we date but they did a pretty good job at convincing us (or at least me) that we can choose, change, and manipulate everything else in our lives too... they told me that I could be my own Savior. My own change agent and that if I just did XY&Z I was on my way to happiness...

all humans are pathetic and miserable Saviors. 

On October 18th, 2012 I wrote this in my journal:

"Today I am so aware of my human-ness. Of how dirty, lost, and useless I am without Jesus. This isn't a good feeling but yet I am thankful that God would allow me to have days like today when I am so beyond confident that I NEED a Savior to save me from my lesser loves that are all found in this fallen world--my very self being one of them. I am a desperately broken tool in the hand of a gracious and powerful God.  I am a sinner, deserving to be thrown to the side into the stack of broken and worthless rubbish. Yet, God calls me His daughter, His beloved, HIS bride. What a gift that I have. Even on days like today when I feel so unworthy of His high calling I can claim it. Own it. Live it. Wow, what a merciful and sweet Savior He is."

My whole life this world screamed at me (and at you) to desperately and passionately...

SEEK HAPPINESS. SEARCH FOR LOVE AND THEN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Well, I tried it the worlds way and it failed. Then I tried again but it failed then too. I have always known the gospel and was privileged to grow up in a Godly home and in a church who poured much Truth into me yet I just didn't think that I had to give up on what the world said in order to claim what Jesus said. Then I realized that was exactly what I had to do... I couldn't believe both although I tried to for many years.

As I struggle to daily live the life that I have claimed to find in Jesus I am constantly reminded that it requires a lot of trust, abandon, and being willing to change your plans.

As I mentioned in my last post, I often times find myself praying for clarity before I find myself praying for deeper intimacy and trust in Jesus. Today I was convicted about why I would do this and could practically hear Jesus saying,

"Why would I show you the specifics when you've forsaken that which is already revealed?" 

Jesus has already made it clear to us all that His way is better.

Today I am choosing to not only believe it but to claim it as well. He is better than what this world claims is good. Today, I won't believe the lies. And I pray that tomorrow I won't either.

peace out, happily ever after. 

you are no good for me.

Neediness & Why God Doesn't Hate It

Since August, I have been interning at the Christian Women's Job Corps here in Waco. I have been wanting to blog about my many eye-opening and life-altering experiences but I haven't known where to even begin. There are so many things I have seen and heard that I sometimes wish I could un-see and un-hear for the sake of my comfort. Some days, I'd rather pretend that I didn't know about my client sleeping under a bridge while I fall asleep on my perfectly comfortable bed. More days than not, I don't want to remember that my clients wear the same clothes over and over again because if I let myself remember this then I don't feel good about going shopping even though "I have nothing at all to wear in my closet". I don't want to think about my client who is going home to abuse or is struggling with buying her 2 year old son shoes that fit his feet. I don't want to know. I don't want to hear. I don't want to see. But I do. Every day, I see these things and I can't un-see them... and I now Praise God for that.

When I declared Social Work as my major, I worried most about not being able to leave my work at work. I had people tell me that I get too involved and invested in people to become a social worker and actually stay sane. And maybe they're right... but maybe I don't want to stay sane. Because all too often I think my definition of sane can actually be translated as comfortable. Are boundaries necessary in client/worker relationships? Definitely. But does God want me to un-see the things I have seen that make me feel convicted about my "sane" life? Definitely not.

The reality is that I can't truly separate my work life from my home life because if I do, I have to ignore everything I have become aware of and as a believer of Jesus, I just can't do it and after 9 weeks in the field I've decided I'm going to stop trying to. As much as I would like to think that Waco is Baylor and Baylor is Waco it just isn't true. There is so much more. So much poverty. So many hungry people. So many people without homes. So many needs un-met. So many people un-loved and un-touched.

and so many comfortable people doing nothing about it. 

My goal of this post isn't to harass you or make you feel bad. It's more just to let you all know what I've seen, what I now know, and that because of this I am asking for people to hold me accountable to doing something about it. Can I destroy poverty and hunger alone? No, I can't. Is it my job as a social worker to rescue my clients? No, it isn't. But I can change my perspective. I can make people aware in hopes that maybe they too, would change their perspective. 

I used to think that every homeless person asking for money on the street wanted to use it to buy drugs. That was until my client told me that she needed 5 dollars just to stay in the homeless shelter that night and she didn't know where she was going to get the money. Do some people use the money to buy drugs? I'm sure they do but who am I to assume such a thing based on circumstance and/or appearance?

You see, these people you pass on the street or outside of the grocery store or you see under a bridge aren't just people to me anymore. They're a familiar face full of stories and experiences that are starting to change my life. 

They're people who are making my life extremely un-comfortable and saving it at the same time. 

Out of all the things I am learning from these women one of the best is the fact that: 

God loves a needy heart. 

These women have needy hearts, they aren't afraid to let us know it and I believe that God is glorified in this. I have been thinking about this a lot and how though my life looks different from these women's in so many ways that in a lot of ways it's not so different. I'm needy too and they are teaching me that when I am weak and needy, God is strong and seen. 

Why God loves a needy heart: 

1. Your neediness reveals that God is God... it isn't often in our culture anymore that people feel desperately needy. There are way too many resources available to financially stable people for them to actually feel in desperate need in everyday life. These women however, often times don't know where they are going to sleep that night and this puts them in a situation where they are forced to accept that they aren't God and they can't save themselves. Therefore, neediness has the ability to declare that God is the only one who is God and worthy of praise. 

2. Your neediness shows God's strength... this is the part where God gets to shine through you because you can't shine yourself. Our helplessness puts God in a perfect position to show His power. Plus God loves to bless the poor and needy... we should too. 

3. Your neediness drives you to God... don't let your neediness drive you to try and get what you want from God but rather just to get you MORE of God. Hannah in the bible didn't use her neediness as a tool to get a child but as a tool to get more of God. God blessed her with a child but that wasn't the point. The point is that Hannah used her obstacle as an asset to know and trust her Jesus more. 

don't settle for a comfortable life because God has too many things to teach you through people who make you feel un-comforable. 

recognize your neediness, let it be something that drives you to Christ and then make much of Jesus through your weaknesses and the weaknesses of others. 

seek the welfare of the city... and that doesn't mean just Baylor.  

Life Lately: Dating, Change, and Letting Go.

If you remember, this summer I wrote a blog series on singleness. If you don't remember, you can scroll on over to the side of this blog and check it out! This summer, I was l o v i n g being single and I truly mean loving it. I got to a point where I finally felt like I had "figured" out this whole singleness thing and I was starting to find myself comfortable in it. Then.... I did a 10 day fast with one of my dear friends (check out her blog here ) where we decided that we wanted to grow into deeper intimacy with Jesus and knew that for this specific season one way we could do this is by fasting from guys. Not that guys are bad and not that we would run away from them when we saw them, BUT we wanted to be radical in a way for a short time in order to get our focus back to where we wanted it... on Christ. That being said, on day 7 of this "boy fast" I felt like God was saying this to me...

"Madison, you have finally learned to trust me with your singleness but will your trust in Me reach over into your dating life? If I was to give you the gift of dating rather than the gift of singleness would you still trust that I am good, just, and loving? Will you let me guide you out of comfort? Will you step out of something that you feel like you are an "expert" in and walk into something you know nothing about...??" 

I was immediately shaken by this because God's voice was so clear to me. I felt like He was speaking to me in a way that He had rarely done before...or maybe I was just listening better. But regardless, I could feel like I was being called into something that was foreign to me... called to walk into the unknown, to be obedient without knowing how I would be perceived or what the outcome would hold. I was fearful because I could feel the calm before the storm in a way. I fear change more than almost anything in this world and I felt like God was preparing me for a season of change and that it was going to come in the form of dating. And while I knew that I wanted to be obedient... it wasn't going to happen without a fight from my end. And fighting I did...

A few weeks go by after the fast and turns out what God was telling me was exactly what He had prepared for me to walk into... a season of change which came exactly in the form of dating. While I would love to tell you all about the past month and a half of dating a wonderful, patient and God-fearing man that isn't the point of this blog post at all. So, feel free to message me or ask me next time you see me for the full story but as of now, this is what God has been teaching me... 

i like to be in control. 

this is the first thing that God began to reveal to me and is continuing to reveal to me. I have (unfortunately) over my lifetime developed a habit of wanting to control things. Anything from controlling where we're going to go to dinner to wanting to control how my life is going to pan out... 

which leads me to my next realization. As a true follower and disciple of Christ... 

i cannot write my own story. 

 and I should not be trying to. 

The more intimately I walk with Jesus the more I realize how detrimental it is for me to have the desire to control things, and the desire to write my life out the way I think it should be written. What a pathetic excuse for the gospel!! When Jesus first called His disciples it is important to note that He didn't say "Pray about your decision, see how you feel about it and then come and follow Me." It sounds humorous because we know that isn't at all what happened but I think more times than we want to admit that this is how we think Jesus calls us. This is not the case. Not in the least. 

¹⁸ Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee. He saw two brothers. They were Simon (his other name was Peter) and Andrew, his brother. They were putting a net into the sea for they were fishermen. ¹⁹ Jesus said to them, “Follow Me. I will make you fish for men!” ²⁰ At once they left their nets and followed Him.

²¹ Going from there, Jesus saw two other brothers. They were James and John, the sons of Zebedee. They were sitting in a boat with their father, mending their nets. Jesus called them. ²² At once they left the boat and their father and followed Jesus. -Matthew 4:18-22 

This is a perfect example of how Jesus calls us to follow Him. Both times Jesus immediately calls these men to follow Him. He doesn't tell them to wait around until you think He proves Himself worthy of trust to follow. He doesn't say wait here until I give you clarity that this is going to look the way you want it to. He doesn't say to go and ask a bunch of people for advice on what to do to follow. 

He just says f o l l o w. He says urgently, to drop your nets and choose to follow. Choose to take the first step of obedience and then the next, and then the next, and then the next. He will not reveal to you the reasoning of His plan before you take the step of obedience because that requires absolutely no faith. Choose to believe He is good and worthy of your trust no matter what season of life He has called you into. 

This leads me to my latest revelation which is... 

i used to pray for clarity but now i pray for trust... 

I used to spend all my time begging Jesus to give me clarity in what I need to do and how I need to do it but now I am finally realizing that if I am a true disciple of Jesus that I am not in control so why do I need clarity? What I need is to see my God as a big, loving, powerful and kind owner of my life and then to TRUST that where He leads me will be where I need to be... in His presence and for His glory. I need to count all that I have as LOSS compared to what I gain in surrendering, serving, and following Jesus. I need not to worry, because I am not the owner of my life. I must only have faith and obedience to what He has called me into. I must only steward well what He has given me. 

life is better when i don't have control. life is better when I trust the One worthy of my very self--my very life and when I live for Him and His renown.  

so, nowadays i am trying daily to lean into change, trusting Him because of who He is and letting go of control. 

it's good. plus, turns out dating isn't so bad. who knew? 

Today I Learned A Lot.

Today I moved my little brother into Penland Hall. We unpacked his stuff in about 20 minutes (how?) and then headed to lunch. I watched all day not only my brother and his reaction to this transition and new stage of life but all the other new freshman around campus as well. I saw un-matched excitement met with un-matched nerves. People who looked like they couldn't wait for their parents to leave (my brother) and then two doors down people who looked like they were going to burst into tears the moment their family drove away (me three years ago). Move-in day and all of it's emotion being thrown in my "im a senior i want to cry" face.

Today, I learned a lot.

A lot more then I would have dared thought I would when I hit snooze this morning dreading getting out of bed so early and dreading even more getting anywhere close to 8th street where I knew I wouldn't be able to get around all the traffic. I didn't want to go to a place that I called home knowing that it was flocked with people who didn't know where they were going, even though their shirts kept telling everyone they did.

Today, I spent a majority of my time telling every freshman I saw how jealous I was that they were getting to start at the beginning. Today I went around looking at people who were at the beginning OF the beginning and all I kept thinking was that I'm at the beginning of the end. Not a place I want to be... and a place that gives me anxiety.

Mid-day today I was walking around campus and let myself go back to this day 3 years ago. I realized that I had this exact same feeling of anxiousness 3 years ago, though on a much broader scale. I was the girl who told everyone I was ready for college but deep down wasn't ready to leave everything she knew. I was the girl who cried when her parents left, and then sat in her dorm room for a straight week convinced that Baylor was the worst place in the world. (I am slapping my freshman year self for ever believing such a lie). But I say this because I recognized today that 3 years ago I walked around campus full of anxiety because I didn't want to be here and now I walk around campus full of anxiety because I don't want to leave. 

Today, I learned a lot. 

I thought about what if I had decided that my anxiety was too much to handle. That Jesus wasn't good enough or big enough or just enough to trust and I had decided to run away from Baylor and go home--back to what made me feel good and made me feel known and comfortable... what if that's what I did?

Tears stream down my face as I type this because of God's goodness in keeping me at Baylor. What would be different if I had run away and left?...

Everything. These past 3 years have been the most refining, encouraging, edifying, and BEST years of my life. Baylor and the people that fill this place is e x a c t l y what my terrified 18 year old self needed 3 years ago and praise God that He kept me here. Praise Him that He is good enough to look past my discomfort in the moment so that He can give me so much more than I could have ever dared to dream that I needed, wanted, or desired. What a Father. A sweet, sweet Father. 

So, today I learned a lot. 

I learned that I can't let my anxiety be my driving force because if I do-- I am going to miss out. 

Today, I am thankful that I didn't miss out on everything that Christ has used Baylor to give to me. I didn't miss out on sonic dates, bear-trail runs, Austin trips, bathroom talks, hard classes, professors who show grace, Chi-O functions, conflict, dance parties, meetings, Harris Creek, babysitting, Cameron Park days, refinement, growth, laughs, tears, peace, and unspeakable JOY.

I am thankful that Christ let me suffer for a little while, because who would I be if He hadn't? 

God has seen fit that I get this home that (now) brings me comfort and joy for another year and I am thankful. In a lot of ways it really is the beginning of the end--but that doesn't scare me so much anymore.

If moving to Baylor brought me so much anxiety in the beginning and I now have all of THIS to show for it, then when I have anxiety about moving on to the next thing-- I am going to remember this.

I am going to remember how in August of 2010 I wanted anything but Baylor... and how in August of 2013 I want only Baylor and this life I have found here. I am going to remember how I am prone to anxiety and that's ok but it won't and can't be what I base my decisions off of. I will remember because I know now that no matter where I am in this world that it really isn't home and that while God wants to bring me peace and joy that He isn't going to change His plans just because I have an un-easy feeling in my stomach... and praise Him for that. I have so much more because of it.

So, today I learned a lot and I'm not going to let myself forget it. 

Welcome "home" class of 2017! Get ready for God to blow your mind! 

My Proclamation

If you know me at all, or even if you have read my blog before then you know that I have spent 3 of my 4 college summers at Pine Cove Christian Camps. For all the people out there who have already stopped wanting to read this because you don't want to hear about someone else's camp experience--don't worry I'll spare you this time and this won't be a post about camp. (you're welcome!) However, one of the coolest things that PC does is that they give each of their staff a word at the end of the summer that they believe embodies who they are and how they impacted the campers and staff over the summer. It is an incredible opportunity for the leadership and resident staff of camp to speak identity into you. It is nerve racking and leaves you feeling both encouraged and challenged in the best possible way. That being said, my very first summer I was shocked when I was given the word courageous with this definition next to it:

courageous: doing what is right despite fear or risk. 

I remember sitting there holding it and becoming emotional because that summer I had felt like I was anything but courageous. I felt weak, broken, and useless. What a gift it was for me to have someone sit down with me and tell me that they saw in me something that I couldn't see. I remember telling them that I didn't at all feel courageous. I remember her looking at me and telling me that Christ had given me the ability to be very courageous, that she had seen that in me over the past 5 weeks, and that she wanted to challenge me to take this encouragement and to head into college full of gentle boldness and full of courage-- just like she knew I could. I left feeling empowered in a way that I never had before. 

Today I sat down at Common Grounds, a local coffee shop, and I thought about how un-courageous I have felt lately. I thought about how in more than just a couple areas of my life I am running away from what is right and running toward fear. I sat there and made myself think about all the ways I have been letting fear drive me and then I took myself back to that conversation in the Nada Mesa at camp. I thought about how whether I realized it then or not--I knew now that they were right. I do have the ability to be courageous. I have seen myself do it. I have seen myself at times over the last 3 years believe that I am a Godly woman who is saved by God's grace and because of that I have been able to walk into situations confidently and courageously. 

I was sad today as I recognized the insecurities and lies that I have let into my life and how because I have fed those things rather than feeding my soul with the Word that I have missed opportunities to be bold and courageous for Christ's name. I have missed out on hard conversations, conflict and community because I let fear be what drives me and not Jesus. 

When I am concerned about my fear I am saying that I am more important than that person or situation and when I am concerned with Jesus then I am confident that I can walk boldly into hard situations because He is the one leading me, guiding me, and speaking through me. 

If I want to live a life of c o u r a g e (which I do) then I have no choice but to let Jesus be my driving force, my commander, my master. If I decide that I am a better commander (gross), then I better be prepared to let fear and anxiety take over the drivers seat. 

In C.S. Lewis's book, Prince Caspian, the little girl Lucy gets lost from her brothers and sister and at last finds the Lion (Aslan) that they have been looking for. Her siblings hadn't been able to see him on other occasions and Lucy was sure that they weren't going to believe her, that she had really found him. 

This is how it goes down: 

"Now, child," said Aslan... "I will wait here. Go and wake the others and tell them to follow. If they will not, then you at least must follow me alone." 

It is a terrible thing to have to wake four people, all older than yourself and all very tired, for the purpose of telling them something they probably won't believe and making them do something they certainly won't like. "I mustn't think about it, I must just do it," thought Lucy. 

I think that is my favorite part of the story. For this anxiety prone girl, I can relate to that mindset. 

I must not think about it. I must just do it. 

I have the tendency to over-think. When I over-think I then tend to forget the simplicity of the gospel and of who Jesus is and of who He says that I am. When I over-think and over-analyze and when I go ask 20 people (not an exaggeration) of what they think I start to forget of how temporary this world and my problems are. I start to believe the lie that I am the commander and that I am in control. What a scary place to be-- and to think that my over-analyzing mind is what led me to that conclusion. 

We all need to stop over-thinking and start proclaiming what we know to be true because of the Truth that we have been given. So here's my proclamation: 

"I, Madison Mae Humphries am a daughter of the one true King. I am here on earth only temporarily and I must follow my King even if no one goes with me. I am a courageous, bold, and loving woman who has earned nothing but has been given everything she needs to proclaim His name and walk in righteousness." 

Whenever you start to over-think or when you have one of those days like mine was today when you realize that you have shifted off the narrow path, remind yourself of what your purpose is and what and Who you were made for. 

Because it certainly wasn't anxiety and it certainly wasn't fear. 

be courageous. do what is right despite fear. 

by doing this, you'll proclaim to a broken world that there is someone other than yourself that is in complete control. 

thank you, Jesus. 

The Gift of Singleness #6: "Crucify Your Dreams"

*this will be one of the last if not the last post in this series!! thanks for reading!* 

I'm a dreamer. In every single sense of the word and I have been since I was a very little girl. I can remember being as young as 5 years old and imagining my wedding day. FIVE. I can remember playing wedding with my friends where I (somehow) was always the bride and they were always the bridesmaid. I am currently paying for that (literally) as I am the one buying bridesmaid dress after bridesmaid dress. Serves me well. To all the 5 year olds out there reading this-- don't say I didn't warn you... go ahead and hand the fake veil over. You'll thank me later. But really, I know that I am not the only person who has spent their entire life dreaming dreams that aren't coming true. Life is happening all around us, but it isn't the way we thought it would be or should be and hardly ever is it when we think it should be. 

I grew up in a culture that told me to dream... and so I did. I dreamed big, crazy, and often times impossible dreams. But it was engrained in my mind forever (thank you sunday school) that nothing was impossible with Christ and so I kept on dreaming those dreams...the ones where I am the center of attention, where I am elevated instead of Christ, where I get what I want and my friends just stand by me happily although "secretly" they wish they had what I had and "secretly" that makes me even happier. I certainly do not blame sunday school for my way of thinking and for the record, I am blessed to have grown up attending SS every Sunday BUT, I think that a very important lesson went un-taught to me all those years ago. That being, that dreaming can be good and it also can be very bad. What I wish I would have known all those years ago is what dreaming outside of Christ's will and direction can do to ones body, heart, and mind. 

dream-er: "a person who lives in a world of fantasy; one who is impractical and unrealistic." 

Earlier when I said I was a dreamer--I meant it and this definition often describes me a little too well. I have spent so much time throughout my life dreaming up what I wanted the next year, month, day, and even hour to look like. If I am not actively holding my thoughts captive then I can expect my mind to start making up conversations and scenarios that will bring me satisfaction. I will "dream" of what it would be like to be liked by everyone or wanted by that person or honored for doing that or recognized for doing this. It is here where I find myself taking something as "naive" as dreaming and turning it into something that is now complicated and even sinful. I am not saying that dreaming alone is sinful but personally, dreaming has become an idol in my life that causes me to long for a world that isn't real--a world where I am elevated and Christ is not. A sick world indeed. 

This fantasy world that I often find myself living in has caused more problems in my actual REAL life than I would care to admit. When you allow yourself to dream without prayer and without open hands ready to give or to take anything that the Lord has for you, then you willingly put yourself in a very dangerous place. A place full of un-met expectations. 

Fantasy worlds make you believe that the things you see on TV or in Magazines are real and that you deserve that type of "passionate" and reckless love. Fantasy worlds make you have expectations on people that they cannot meet, and expectations on yourself that you cannot and should not meet. Fantasy worlds are full of worldly dreams that make you feel good for a fleeting moment and then leave you feeling miserable for a lot longer than that. 

Dreaming big dreams that only concerned me and my happiness led me to a belief that I wouldn't be truly satisfied with life until I had a ring on my finger and a guy who looked and acted like Prince Charming. It led me to believe lies about dating, marriage, and singleness. It led me to believe lies about what beauty is and where it comes from. It led me to believe lies about myself and it put me in a world where security, worth, and happiness was "promised" but actually ripped out from under me. 

I am PROMISED security, worth, and joy but it WILL NOT be found in fantasy world where my selfish dreams are tucked away tight. 

Consider Ruth. One of my all time favorite bible characters who I cannot relate to much yet, though I desperately desire to. Ruth walks away from everything that might give her security or worth and walks straight into a future that has absolutely no certainty or promise of earthly satisfaction. Ruth was not giving up everything in order to get Boaz. She was giving up everything in order to get Jesus. Ruth reminds me in a makes me want to jump up and down and shout from the rooftops kind of way of the call to follow Christ. Her story helps remind me of my story and how though in one way they look very different how in another they should look so very much the same. A call to die--and an obedient answer to that call. 

Ruth didn't have to dream because she trusted that God was going to direct her steps. He would dream for her and it would be well worth the wait. 

You will W A S T E your singleness and the loneliness, doubt, insecurity and everything else that comes with it if you refuse to let the pain of un-met dreams drive you into complete abandon like Ruth. You will absolutely waste it if you do anything other than put your whole heart into God's plan for your life, TRUSTING that He gives good gifts-- even if they aren't packaged the way you and your dreams thought they would be. 

There is a world waiting for you that is far better than any fantasy. One where the King of all Kings is beckoning you to come and be still, to know that He is your good Shepherd and that He wants to walk through this very real and painful world with you... bringing you true joy and peace along the way.  

Crucify your dreams--God is a way better dreamer than you could e v e r be.