five eighths.

Last week after I (finally) finished my all of my finals, I called my dad to let him know I was done and he said "Way to go Dee, you're 5/8 of the way done with college!"

That's when it hit me. I am over half-way done with college and yet so much of me feels like it just started.

As I have been home, I have been thinking a lot about my time at Baylor so far and specifically this past semester. I think back to the day when my parents dropped me off at 315 Collins and how scared, lonely, and un-prepared I felt to move from the only town and home I had ever known to a place that I didn't know and a place that didn't know me.

On August 29th, 2010 I wrote this in my journal: "I've been at Baylor for a week. I wish I could say that I am enjoying it but that would be a lie. I feel like I've been at camp and now it should be time to go home but that I am stuck here. I miss my family, my friends, and especially Brook Hill. I miss feeling known. I know that I have to give it time but I can't help but wonder if I'll ever enjoy it here." 

I can't help but smile and feel extremely grateful when I read over my journal entries from my first semester at Baylor. I smile and laugh over the passion that spilled out onto those pages because I didn't know where else to turn to, and I am grateful over the begged for prayers that the Lord has so clearly answered since then. It is one of the best reminders of His faithfulness in my life and in the lives of those I journaled about. Great is His faithfulness yesterday, today, and forevermore. 

This semester, my fifth one, was the best yet. I think these pictures might do it better justice then my words! 

Every monday, wednesday, and friday morning was spent with this little one. We started playing at the early hour of 7 in the morning and didn't stop until 12! We went on walks, learned new words, asked a lot of questions, went to Lake Waco, went to Baylor, met a lot of Dee Dee's friends, and watched more episodes of Dora the Explorer then anyone would want or care to know. I learned a lot from Norah Rose this semester and I love her more than I thought possible! 

Labor Day weekend was spent outside of Austin at my roommate Katherine's lake house. It was the first trip we took as roommates, and a good one at that. We ate a lot of good food, jet-skiied, kayaked, and went to bed at 10 both nights. Every girl's dream. I am blessed and refined daily by living with these three. 

I celebrated 21 years with the best of them in Austin! Thankful for memories on memories with these chica's this semester. 

Made it to the State Fair with Chi-O (before) Big Tex died! 

On October 13th this little girl got MARRIED! Emma has been my longest and closet friend. Emma and Daniel met at my house a little over 4 years ago and I had the honor of standing beside her as her Maid of Honor and my brother had the honor of standing beside Daniel as his Best Man for him and Dan have been best friends for years also. It was one of the best weekends of my life and it has been so cool to see Daniel and Emma living life together! 

Every Tuesday morning was spent at Cafe Capp with these two beauties. They spur me on to look more like Jesus and I am thankful for their encouragement and grace in my life. This picture was after Pigskin this year during Homecoming! 

On November 9th, the Barker family went from 3 to 4 with the addition of little Ruby Meredith. She's the cutest thing and it's been so cool to see NR be a big sister to her "baby Ruby"! 

This was the night that Baylor beat #1 ranked K-State and we all rushed the field! It's been quite the journey for Baylor football the past 2 years but this was probably my favorite game of my Baylor career thus far! 

During dead days my roommates and I took it upon ourselves to mark some things off of my bucket list! It made the last week in Waco so much more fun and we even made a trip to Madisonville and back in one night to go to Buc-ee's! 

Blessed beyond measure that this girl gets to be my little and one of my best friends. 

We ended the semester going to Chi-O's Christmas in Salado. 

So, there you have it. 5 semesters down and only 3 to go. As I left Waco last week to head home I was overwhelmed by the feelings that I have for that city and for Baylor and for the people that fill them both. It is crazy to me that my first semester at Baylor was spent longing for home and now as I sit here typing this I am longing for the home that I have made and found in Waco. I am thankful for the friends I have been given who encourage me daily to choose You over my flesh. I am thankful for teachers who have guided me so gracefully and who have given me a better glimpse of God's because of how they have chosen to lead me. I am thankful for a church who has inspired me to love the people who call Waco home well. I am thankful for parents who work hard and selflessly so that I can live life in Waco and get the education that I desire and love. I am thankful for Social Work and all that comes with it. My eyes have been opened to the needs that God's people have and I am grateful for the opportunity to be trained in how to best help meet those needs. 

I am grateful and my heart is full. 

Here's to 3 more semesters, Baylor. I am looking forward to it. 

Hallelujah, I rest Secure.

Over the past week I have had the privilege of having some of the best conversations that I have ever had with some of my closest friends while being in college. The past month for my specific group of friends has been one of heartache, stress, and growth. While some of us are struggling with expectations from people that weren't met, dreams that weren't fulfilled or just the stress of finals coming up and grades being lower than expected one common theme has come into focus... insecurity. 

I have come to realize over the past couple of weeks that it is extremely hard for a college aged girl, specifically one that is in the bible-belt, to admit that they are insecure. Insecurity is supposed to be only for middle school girls, right? Once you hit your 20's you aren't suppose to struggle with body image anymore and you aren't suppose to worry if people don't like you, right? Our society today tells us that we should know who we are by now and if people don't like us then that's their problem. Our society screams to us that if you are insecure-- you are weak. 

Sadly, the reality is that often times we spend our days walking around with a confident exterior hoping that it is covering up the interior parts of who we are. The depths and depths of insecurity that plague our very souls. The problem with covering it up and wishing it away just because it "shouldn't be there" is that you are completely missing your opportunity to live in true community. You are missing your chance to let someone else know that they aren't alone. You are missing your chance to let someone redirect your perspective and your path back to the Gospel. You are missing your chance to confess so that you can then be fully healed by Jesus Christ who loves you deeply.

You see, this season of pain for a lot of my friends has brought about the best community that we have ever had. When you let go of your desire to be perceived as perfect to one another, you receive the gift of true friendship-- true community. 

Insecurity, whether we want to admit it or not, is a daily struggle for most girls -- of all ages. We deeply desire to be admired, treasured, and as scary as it is, even worshiped. We become a little more insecure with every expectation that goes un-met. The even scarier part is that when we do not openly admit and confess our insecurity, we allow ourselves to wallow and to build up bitterness towards others and towards ourselves. However, when we DO admit our insecurity to each other we then open the doors to allow one another to be the body of Christ. We can then be encouraged and encourage one-another. We can then fight lies and sin together and not alone. We can then finally be what Christ intended for us to be for one another all along. 

Vulnerability does not equal weakness. This is a lie that I chose to believe for a long time. When I finally let myself believe that vulnerability with my friends was a good thing, I began to see the intimate work of true friendship being done in my own life. This type of friendship has become a weapon I use to fight sin and has changed the very core of me. Vulnerability is hard but it pales in comparison to what we receive because of it. 

Be open with one-another and I promise your lives, your heart, and your spirit will be richly blessed. 

Me and Sanctification are Fighting

I want to be sanctified. 

I don't want to look the same tomorrow as I do right now.  

I want to look more like Jesus tomorrow than I do today. 

But... I don't want to go through the process. I fear the fire and heat of sanctification. 

I want the end goal of sanctification but I don't want actual sanctification. 

The problem with wanting to look more like Jesus tomorrow than I do today, without wanting sanctification, is that it is completely impossible. What I am starting to realize is that I will look more like Jesus tomorrow because of what I do today. 

So... me and sanctification are fighting. And unfortunately for me, more times than not, I am winning. 

I have struggled (or used as an excuse) with thinking that if I am striving for holiness then I must be working for my salvation... however, this is not the case. There are too many to count verses in the New Testament that spur us on to pursue our own sanctification for that excuse to stand true. 

Before I go any further hear me out on something very important:  If you are a believer of Jesus Christ and you have trusted Him as your Lord and Savior then YES, your sins have already been cancelled. Fab Sharford says this, 
"The Cross doesn’t make the battle for holiness superlative, it makes it possible.  It guarantees success."  
On this Cross, Jesus bought or purchased for us a new heart that is now governed by the Holy Spirit. We are now new creations and we are submitting ourselves, our whole selves, to a God who is in the business of destroying sin. This should mean that we too, are in the business of killing sin. 

I believe now more than ever, that pursuing holiness and sanctification for a believer is not optional.

You will not be perfect. You will fail. I will fail. I do fail.  My prayer though is that I will stop letting that be an excuse. I pray that I will remember my identity that Christ has given me, and that I will start to believe Him when He says that He has given me everything I need for godliness. 

So may it be known that I am tired of fighting sanctification. I am tired of winning. 

Sanctification, I am forfeiting. I pray that today and every day from here on out that you will win in my life. I pray that I will not run away from you but that I will let my God use you to wreck my life, the one that I don't own. 

I am done fighting you and I am ready to fight sin. 

So... I am in the business of killing sin now. Trusting that my Jesus is leading my every step and providing me with strength and purpose with every breath I take. 

Don't miss it, people!!!

I was that girl that had imaginary friends after it was socially acceptable... like until I was 7. Judge me. 

I was also that girl that named them things like Oin and then killed them off with a bat... trust me, you and me both wish I was joking. 

That to say, I have spent a good part of my life in a fantasy world that doesn't exist. While I don't have imaginary friends anymore (you're welcome) I still find myself letting my thoughts enter into this whole new world that in a lot of ways seems real but yet isn't. 

You know, the world where I am really 5'5 and not 5'0. The world where not only do I look like I have it all together but that I actually do. The one where I don't have to work out to be in shape but I still do just because I enjoy it. The world where I am so in love with Jesus that nothing anybody says or thinks about me will affect me but yet everyone see's this and acknowledges how great I am because of it. 

Yup. How's that for vulnerability?

Now days, instead of having conversations with fake people like I did when I was 7, I find myself imagining what my life would look like if I was exactly who I want to be and if I had everything that I think I want-- when and how I want it. To put it more simply, I let myself enter into a world where I "get" to play the role of god. 

The other morning while meeting for accountability with two of my best friends they asked me hard questions that made me start to think a lot about this fake reality that I let myself enter into. I realized for the first time that in this fake world, my Savior doesn't reign--Satan does. Which is disgusting. 

Romans 8:6 says this: "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 

When I enter into fake fantasy life that I think will satisfy, I miss it. I miss life found in Christ and everything that that has to offer. 

While I am spending time and energy focusing on the things that I wish Christ would grant to me, I am forsaking the gifts that He HAS given me and the fullness of life that they give. 

If I am not careful I will soon be letting this fake world take over. And if I do, I'll miss the opportunities I have to pour into girls lives here at Baylor. I'll miss the sunrise that I get to see driving to work because im too concerned that im up early enough to see a sunrise. I'll miss the little girl who I love dearly growing up before my eyes-- the new words she learns and the questions she asks. I'll miss the dinners I could have, the adventures I could go on, the hard questions that need to be asked--and answered. 

If I am not careful, I will miss it. 

If you set your minds on this world and on your fleshly desires, you too will miss it. 

So here's to choosing our Spirit over our flesh. To choosing the reality where God reigns sovereign. To choosing the life that Christ has called us to-- the one that promises to be full and abundant. 

Im not saying you can't dream, because you can. Just know that if those dreams become idols or fake realities you obsess over that it's more than ok to lay them down at the feet of Jesus because you can count on the fact that God is a way better dreamer than we could ever be. 

He loves you and He doesn't want you or me to miss it. 

To my High School self...

To my High School self, 

It's your first day at Brook Hill and you're so nervous you can hardly breath. It's okay though, you're uniform looks fine (not to mention the same as everyone elses) and soon, believe it or not, you will call this place home. 

Come September they're going to ask you to be the volleyball manager and even though you're scared to say yes you will, and you should be proud of yourself for acknowledging  that you're an awful volleyball player and that that's okay. You'll learn a little bit about serving behind the scenes (though not near enough) and you'll get really, really good at keeping a volleyball score book. 

When you come up with the idea to dye your hair brown--don't do it. It won't look good, you will cry for a whole day about it, and then you will spend the next year trying to get it back to your natural color. Trust me,  I am helping you out here. So just put the hair dye box down. Seriously, put it down. 

You're going to spend the better part of your freshman year desperately trying to stop pulling out your eyelashes. You'll succeed just long enough for that girl to tell you she used to not think you were very pretty without eyelashes but now that you have them you are. A month or so after she says that you will pull them all out and immediately think that you're now ugly. Don't believe the girl's words and don't believe your own. You are beautiful with or without eyelashes and even though you won't realize it for a long time, your struggle with pulling them out does not define you. 

At the beginning of sophomore year Dad will buy you your first car and you're going to name her Jetta. You will be as attached to her as anyone can be to a car. Roll the windows down often, sing louder than you think you should, and if you don't want to take defensive driving twice in one year I would s-l-o-w down, especially on highway 69, but that's just me. Also enjoy it while you can because it all ends when Luke gets her in a wreck and kills her. Yes, you'll cry about it. 

You think that being a good girl is the goal of your young life. Because of this, you're scared to fail and you aren't completely honest with your friends. You are secretly exhausted and you'll start to question if loving Jesus is worth it. Don't get anxiety over the doubt, rather wrestle with it and trust that He hasn't let go of you. You're going to make it to the other side better because of it. 

You have a good reputation and you put a lot of your identity into that, even though you will deny it. You pride yourself on being good at giving advice to your friends but you need to be careful with that because if there is any good in you it is Jesus. So if you're going to boast, boast in Him only. 

Landry will decide to go to Belmont in Nashville, TN for college and even though you act excited for him when you find out, on the inside you are scared out of your mind to have him be so far away. You'll opt out of taking him to school for the first time with the rest of your family because you're too nervous that you'll break down when you are forced to leave Nashville and come home without him. However you told Mom that you just didn't want to miss school. That's a lie though and there you go again not being completely honest. That's a slippery slope. Do you want my opinion? Go to Nashville with your family. If you need to cry the whole way home because you hate change that much then so be it. You're going to break down anyway except that you're going to be at home alone when it happens. And guess what? You staying home doesn't change the fact that he really did move to Nashville. Lame, I know. 

You love your room. Almost too much. Mom and Dad are always telling you that it's selfish that you spend so much time in there- and when you get to college you'll understand a little better why they were right. I'm not saying to stop spending time int here but just to spend more time out there, too. Because although the days seem long now, one day you will move out and that room that you idolize so much will become your brothers. I know, I know you don't believe that they would do that to you but they did, and you survived (barely). So, go ahead and head out to the living room and  spend time with your family. Ask them questions, watch American Idol with them, and enjoy it. 

You cry easily and you hate that about yourself. A good handful of people have told you that you're too sensitive and unfortunately, you chose to believe them. Mom tells you all of the time that you feel things deeply, good and bad, and that that's okay. Believe her with this one. She's right. 

A day coming up soon you'll get the urge to call Emma and see if she wants to get lunch at McAlisters to catch up on life. You give into this urge which was one of your better decisions. That day at McAlisters will change your life forever and you'll see God working in your life in a real way. 

Senior year will be your favorite. So, you have a lot to look forward to. You'll finally stop caring so much about what people think of you and instead of chasing guys, attention, and approval you'll start to chase Jesus and community. You'll find real freedom in this and it will begin to change you. You'll lead your cheer squad as their captain and your football team will make it state but lose by one touchdown. And yes, you'll cry then too. You'll hurt for the boys who are hurting b/c that's what you do best-- you hurt with those who hurt and that's a good thing. You'll skip class with your friends to go to Olive Garden and to explore the woods behind school. At first you worry that you'll regret this decision but you don't and you never will. It was days like those that made your senior year the best. 

YOU are loved, chosen, beautiful, redeemed, sacred, worth pursuing, righteous, and a daughter of the King. 

Don't forget it now and don't forget it when you're twenty-one. 

Love, 
Me