What I've Learned in 34 days of Marriage

Jon and I just celebrated 1 whole month of marriage (shouts out to us) and today I'm processing through that month and the months that came prior to it annnnnnnndd you know what??

Life is weird. Time is weird. Life is hard. Time is hard. And yet at the same time they're good too.

I always thought that I would be some superwoman by the time I was married. That I would have somehow and someway officially "made" it. Made what? I don't really know now that I think about it but I definitely thought I would be more put together than I am or at the least feel more purposeful than I currently do sitting at this computer typing to you people.

Right after we left our reception and were pulling out of the parking lot I turned to my new husband and said "I feel completely the same. Like I feel totally normal, just like I always do. Is that normal?"

He just laughed and said he didn't know but that he felt the same way.

Visual image... a new thing around here. You're welcome.

In the past 34 days more things have been the same than different. Yes, I now share a bed with a boy and all of the sudden we are constantly doing dishes and going to bed at 8pm but other than that... things are the same. 

It's the bigger things that are the same too. Like how this once single blogger turned married blogger is still struggling with the SAME sins and how I still (despite being married to the greatest man i know) can't seem to be satisfied. I thought marriage might help some of these deep rooted things... I mean pre-marriage I wasn't about to come out and say I thought they would fix them completely but deep down I think I might have. I thought that being married to Jon would be the greatest thing I have ever done and it is in so many ways but then in the other ways my pretty much perfect husband (im serious... he is a saint) still falls short at fulfilling the very depths of my soul. He can't do it. I didn't really think he could but now I know he can't. I thought my first 34 days of marriage would look a little different than they have... you know the movie type of love you see. The reality has been: 

• my husband is working harder than anyone I know and yet still doesn't have a permanent full time job. This leaves us both with anxiety and fear of the unknown... Do we really trust God?
• I have spent a good dozen of our 34 nights together crying in Jons arms because I just can't.seem.to.find.satisfaction. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and yet I feel like I am living someone else's life because if it was my life I would be skipping class right now and complaining about SING practice tonight.... 
• countless hours of trying to cook. keyword... trying. like i am not good. #pray4jon 
• all of a sudden the world is constantly wanting to know what my "occupation" is... ummmm is "working part time hoping to go back to school but don't really know anything" an option? 
• and to just add a cherry to this cake Parenthood ENDED. for GOOD. I am still crying. 

Anyway, all jokes aside (but i'm not joking about parenthood) these first 34 days have been hard in ways I didn't expect and g.o.o.d. in ways I didn't expect either! There is nothing quite like telling your husband that you just don't feel satisfied the first month of marriage and him gently and graciously telling you that it's perfectly ok to feel that way and then going on to help me process through it and wipe my tears as he goes. Jon Lasse has already been the single greatest picture of the gospel to me and I praise Jesus for him! 

However, what is the MAIN thing I have learned in 34 days of marriage??

Contentment is a discipline you must practice in any season of life. 

The worst part about marriage is the worst part about singleness... I continue to try to find satisfaction in earthly things that can't satisfy and I struggle to practice contentment. That's it. Marriage isn't hard because my husband isn't __________. Marriage (And singleness, dating, engagement, etc) is hard because we as humans continue to try to figure it all out on our own. We try to make ourselves happy with good things but not perfect and eternal things. We then pitch fits (hello me) when we realize that we aren't happy and we've tried so hard to get there all the while forfeiting things like the discipline of gratefulness and contentment not to mention fixing our focus on our only Savior. 

So, marriage is teaching me a lot. A lot about how new seasons are hard and they don't promise much of anything. It's all about what we put into it and what our perspective of it is. Exhale.... yes, persepective. Something I'll be working on today. 

One last thing I have been thinking a lot about it is how not only do I need to practice contentment but how I also need a real understanding that this world is not our home. As I continue to "decorate and nurture" my new married "home" may I always remember that the deepest longings won't come this side of heaven. And that's okay. The twinge of pain I walk around with everyday is a constant and GOOD reminder that no, this earth isn't home. Praise God! 

If you feel led, please pray for Jon and I as we continue to transition into marriage and as Jon looks for a job! Our prayer is that we will be outwardly focused, grateful, and content. That we would consistently focus on the faithfulness of our God even when life isn't how we think it should be.

Much love to ALL OF YOU from the newest Lasse!