Change is hard on everyone in some form or fashion. For me personally, (being the over-nostolgic gal that I am) change is hard in EVERY form and fashion.
When I left Waco on May 17th I had every intention of returning in August for grad school. After a series of events and decisions, I now find myself not returning to Bear Country in a few short days but rather going from one interview to the next and stamping "unemployed" all over my face. I joke about it but when it actually comes down to it not having a job, plans of any kind, or any other kind of "security" shakes me up pretty good.
For the past (almost) 23 years I have always had some(thing) that defined me. Sometimes it was dance, sports, church involvement, friends, etc. but what it always was is school. For the past 17 years I have been able to answer one simple question: "Where do you go to school?" I never dreamed that being able to answer that question would carry so much weight. What I realize now is that by answering that simple question I was essentially telling people of the place where I...
learned, grew, played, laughed, cried, created friendships, sifted through my strengths and weaknesses, was known and cared for, was challenged, fought after, and gracefully corrected. The place where I had built in community every day.
School was so much more than a place where I went to learn and get grades back. Whether it was elementary school or college, this was the place where 75% of my life happened. Where I had huge success and epic failure. These places (aka: the people that filled these places) molded me for 17 years. Other things in life changed but having a school never did. I always had that. Until now.
I feel like people throw you big parties and offer you a ton of advice and encouragement for when you graduate high school and move off to college. And that's great (seriously) but what about when you graduate COLLEGE and you don't have school to fall back on anymore? Where are my parties and encouragement and advice? (kidding... sort of) It's like this whole "adult" thing is supposed to be the easiest transition of your life...
Graduating college and now claiming "unemployed" as my new status is teaching me a lot. {at least I know I can still learn without school...whew} I am learning that when the things that (I didn't even know define me) are stripped away, I better have something left at the core of who I am or I will become a slave to anxiety and fear. I am learning this the hard way...
Over the past 3 months I have learned a few things:
1) Saying you trust God is one thing but actually doing it is a whole other story. It's a little easier to pray a prayer asking God to help you trust Him when you don't actually need to. I realized that I prayed this prayer most often when I knew that I had things under control. Really disturbing, I know. It's harder to tell God that you trust him when you KNOW that means that if you really do trust Him then you have to be okay with that job telling you "Sorry, but you're not the right fit". Harder prayer. Better prayer. This type of trust (the really hard kind) is the most freeing thing of my life...
2) Contentment is the thief of anxiety and fear. This one is huge for me. In a season of life where it is SO easy to be discontent, I have found that discontentment brings me so much anxiety and fear. The more discontent I become with my circumstances-- the more enslaved I become to anxiety, fear, and eventually bitterness. Upon realizing this, I have been reminding myself that if discontentment is what brings these horrible things into my life, than CONTENTMENT must be the thief of them! So, I'm trying (keyword trying, people!) to be content with my circumstances... praising and thanking God for all the gifts that he has given and for the place he has me in today. Whatever that may be.
3) I am God's daughter. Abba's child. and I am deeply cared for and loved. This has surprisingly been one of the hardest things to remember in this season of life. For some whacky reason it's easier for me to see myself as loved by God when things are going good in life. I think to myself, "yeah, things are going good... which means I must be doing something right... and God loves me!" But when I'm in a hard season of life (like this one) it's really easy for me to think, "I must be doing everything wrong. I guess I'm being disobedient and God is trying to teach me tough lessons because of that. Does He even love me?" Ofcourse, those words don't actually come out of my life because I "know" better than that. But in my heart I struggle believing those things. So, I am learning that it is an actual discipline in hard seasons to remind myself that I am Abba's child and He LOVES me. He also has good things for me-- I just need to trust... (see number 1).
So... these are my confessions. Unemployed life ain't for sissys. And TRUE life with Jesus isn't for sissys either. But the latter helps the whole unemployed thing be less hard...
because turns out some(thing) doesn't define me. Jesus does and always will--despite my job status.
Deep breaths. Trust God. Take the next step. Remind yourself He LOVES you. Repeat.
(it helps....)
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