Happy 50th, Dad. I love you.

To Little Daddy,

Things I know to be true because of you:

1.     I’m a sparkler.

2.     I can run further than I ever thought I could.

3.     Any day can be made better just by turning on Caedmon’s Call.

4.     Anyone who can write, “Hold me Jesus” is a genius.

5.     That Baylor University is one of the best places on earth to be. I love being a Bear with you!

6.     My passion for things is good, wanted, and needed.

7.     It’s always better to choose words wisely and to hold my tongue.

8.     That the Vince Gill Christmas album will make me feel like its Christmas like nothing else can.

9.     That the Dallas Cowboys won’t be good again until Jerry is gone but that doesn’t mean we won’t support, love, and watch every single game because that’s how you be a true fan and plus, they’ll always be America’s team.

10.   That Ping Pong is fun to play and even more fun when it’s against you and Sara Evans is playing in the background.

11.  That if I ever put too many Christmas lights on my house you will forever and always call me Griswoldian.

12.  That I can ski Blacks good but Blues better (and it’s more fun).

13.  That sports are a way to bring people together and spending time and money on things that you and the people around you are passionate about is worth it and can change lives and relationships—not to mention create some of the best memories.

14.  That Dirk sings “We are the Champions” better than anyone ever has or will.

15.  That Tyler, Texas was and always will be the perfect hometown.

16.   That hard work pays off and giving away what you have earned is not only good but also necessary… you give of what you’ve earned better than anyone I know.

17.  That I am beautiful.

18.  That I am worthy of being pursued by a Godly man… (Hopefully one like you!)

19.  That I am loved. By you and mom but more importantly by my perfect Heavenly Father.

20.   That I am your daughter and that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and because of these things I am cherished, held tight, chosen, and deeply loved.

Daddy,

I would be lost without you. You speak identity and truth into me in a way that no one else does. I never feel more safe and loved than when I am with you. Thank you for all that you do for me. I am eternally grateful that the Lord would let me call you Dad and I can’t begin to explain how much I have benefited from that. I love you deeply and I cannot wait to continue to add to the list of things that you have taught me and the things that I know to be true and good because of you and the way you have loved me. You truly are the best and I am blessed to call you my little daddy. Happy 50^th! Celebrating you today and everyday.

I love you,

Little Dee 

I Conquered my Biggest Fear.

(Happy Wednesday! Since taking a break from blogging during the season of Lent, it has now been almost 2 months since I have blogged! All that to say, while I needed and even enjoyed fasting from blogging I am so excited to start writing again... Thanks for reading!) 

The past 2 or 3 weeks have been hard. I don't like admitting that because I can't point to this or that in my life and be like, "look, that's why I feel this way, okay? And can't you see that I deserve to feel like this?" Nope. It's just been one of those weeks (or 3) where good things are happening all around me and yet I feel like someone has robbed me of genuine joy. It's been the type of week(s) where you get to the end of it and look to the next week and you just know that it will get better because another thing falling apart just seems mean. Then, you get to the next week and the one thing that you were holding onto to make you feel better suddenly crumbles in your hand. Then you realize that this is it, this is the moment and moments where you can choose joy, you can choose to love, and you can choose Jesus... and yet for some reason you don't do it. You're stuck and you're beating yourself up for not being better. 

That has been my life as of late and while I normally pride myself on my ability to be vulnerable, I have been doing anything but lately. I have instead run away from almost every situation where I have had to opportunity to tell the people who love me, "Hey, I'm struggling. I don't want to be but I am." 

Yesterday morning I woke up to a note from one of my roommates that said, 

"Mads, you have been on my heart this morning. Praying that you will find peace and rest today." 

Then the same day I walk out of class to find a note on my car from one of my best friends that said,

"Mads, I want to hear about your life. I feel like you're avoiding it. Talk to me." 

I sat in my car holding the note and knew that I had a choice. I could either continue to ignore the war waging inside of my heart like I had been doing or I could let go of my selfish pride and tell someone about how I feel, about how I don't understand and how for the first time in a long time I feel like I don't have any answers for myself or anyone else and that most of all... I'm scared. 

So, by the grace of God I drove myself to my friends house who had left the note on my car, walked inside and with tears streaming down my face I admitted that something was wrong and that I didn't have an answer for myself and that I was mad about. Really mad. I felt ashamed, naked, and most of all weak. In my head I knew that I wasn't lesser of a person because I was shaken and upset but in my heart I didn't. 

She looks at me and calmly says, "Why are you so scared?... What's your biggest fear?" 

I sat there for a little while letting myself cry and then reluctantly admitting that my biggest fear was failing my friends and family... coming up short of the expectations that I want my friends to have of me. I've known for awhile that this was my biggest fear but saying it out loud made it sound even more ridiculous then it already sounded in my head. Then she said the craziest and smartest thing I think she's ever said.... 

"Mads, that's great!!! You've conquered your biggest fear! Seriously, congratulations! You've already failed me many times and look at you... you're fine! You're breathing, I'm breathing and absolutely nothing about our friendship has changed." 

I stared at her for probably 5 seconds trying to take in what she had just said and then I lost it. Not crying... laughing. Like, I went from crying to laughing so hard that I started to cry again but this time it was the good kind of tears. 

People, that is true friendship. True community. And most importantly true Grace. 

You see, I have always struggled with accepting grace. I can give it freely and easily but when someone wants to give it to me-- I refuse it. And that is not a good or honorable thing. It's a sick and selfish thing to do and I have been caught up in living this way for quite sometime. 

I want to be "perfect" for my friends because I feel like being a good friend gives me value. For most of my life I have felt like the only thing that I had to offer anyone was my friendship. If I couldn't be a perfect student or a perfect athlete or have the perfect personality then I could at least fall back on knowing that I have the ability to be the perfect friend-- and so that's what I set out to do. I wanted to be the best friend that anyone had ever had, the only problem is that I wanted to be this for everyone. My mentality began to look something like this...

Wait, you don't have a best friend? It's okay.. I can be it. It's what I'm good at. Actually, it's the only thing I'm good at. And if you need a friend then I want to be it and you can expect that I am going to be the best one you've ever had. So go ahead and have high expectations of me. All 30 of you, because I am going to meet them all!!! 

And yes, as you expected... I couldn't do it. I can't do it. 

My biggest fear over the years became failing my friends BECAUSE being a good the best friend to people became my goal. This became my goal because this is what I felt like gave me worth. You tracking with me?? Here's the deal: 

i can fail my friends b/c i am a sinner.

they will be okay b/c i am not their savior.

i can must accept grace b/c i am not jesus. 

they will love me b/c they love jesus. 

i will love them b/c i love jesus. 

& not b/c it makes me feel like i have worth.

What is it that you feel like gives you worth? If there is something that you do well and you cringe and cry and scream (ok, maybe i'm the only one?) at the thought of it being taken away then it is time to think about whether or not it is an idol in your life. 

being a good friend was and is mine. i have to start putting this at the feet of Jesus, trusting that He is going to use me and mold me how He sees fit. i must let go of my desire to control this thing that i think gives me worth. 

I invite you all to join with me in giving up the thing that you feel like makes you matter to this world FOR the only thing that does matter. the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

So.. that's the story of how i conquered my biggest fear yesterday. guess what? i conquered it again today... and chances are i'll probably do it tomorrow. 

good thing His Grace is SUFFICIENT. Amen? 

Amen.