*Disclaimer: I wrote this post two days ago but just got up enough courage to post it. I hope it is helpful to anyone who might also be fighting this particular fight!
2 years. 730 days give or take.
That's how long it had been since I last had a bad hair pulling episode. Yes, you did read that right. Since I was 13 years old I have struggled with pulling my eyelashes out which is better known as
trichotillomania (trich for short): the compulsive urge to pull out ones own hair.
This struggle of mine isn't something that I normally would choose to blog about because it isn't even something that I like to talk about and if you know me at all you know that it's weird if I don't want to talk about something. However tonight after having my worst pulling episode in over 2 years I was convicted on multiple levels.
I have been anxious about a big test that I have coming up, the fact that I got in a small (but not small enough) car wreck on Friday, and the fact that my very best friend along with other of my really great friends are leaving Waco this week and moving all across the country. You're probably thinking how in-considerate of them to go chase their dreams all around the world... and I'm like, I know I feel the same way.
Anyway, I say that to point out and explain why the pulling began. Every person who struggles with Trich has a different story and is prompted to start pulling by different things but for me stress, anxiety and worry are the things that prompt me to pull. This doesn't mean that every time I'm stressed, worried or anxious that I start pulling but it does meant that these are the moments when I have to become more aware because it's in these times when I found myself most vulnerable to pull.
Tonight, I sat at my desk studying and couldn't shake my anxiousness or my desire to pull. I kept putting my hands up to my eyes and eventually gave in. I knew what I was doing but I could not stop. You are probably thinking right now how can someone do this because doesn't it hurt really bad? No. It feels really good. Annoying, I know. It's a lot like biting your nails or twirling your hair but it's just not as socially acceptable.
10 minutes or so goes by and I am finally able to snap myself out of it and that's when I realized that I now had a hole in my left eyelashes. Before I could even go to the mirror I immediately started sobbing. It was one of the worst feelings that I have had in a long time and the only thing that eventually made me calm down is when I called my dad and he calmly told me not once but probably 5 times...
"Madison, the Lord is your Shepherd. You lack nothing."
That was when I finally able to push Satan away and think clearly. I think it is fitting that the absolute only thing that could calm me down tonight was the gospel. The reminder that I, Madison, am a daughter of a perfect Shepherd and that He is not shaken, moved or effected by my lack of eyelashes. And because my God is not shaken by it, neither am I.
I might struggle for the rest of my life with lacking eyelashes but because of Jesus Christ I will always
lack nothing.
Tonight, I had my flesh and Satan as well, telling me that I am now not beautiful. That now because of my lack of eye-lashes that I am somehow less of a person-- less worthy, less wanted, less noticed, less pretty... less, less less.
I am currently battling feelings of being ashamed. I am ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to fight off the urge. It makes me feel weak. And the thing I think I'm realizing is that feeling weak might not be such a bad thing.
I had gone 2 years without pulling and a big part of me started to believe that I was cured from my battle with Trich. That part of me made me feel strong and accomplished. While I think it's perfectly good to feel feelings of strength and accomplishment I think it is just as equally bad and dangerous to feel as if your world is falling apart whenever the thing that makes you feel strong is taken away.
That's what happened to me tonight. I was ripped of something that has made me feel good, strong and even worthy. I feel good and strong when I can resist the urge to pull my eyelashes out. And if I am being honest and vulnerable here (which I am), I feel more beautiful with eyelashes and even more worthy.
So tonight the Lord chose to remind me in a hard way where my worth is. where my beauty is. and most importantly what grace is. i've been swimming in it lately. and that's okay.
because when I am weak, my God is strong.
and when my weakness shows... I pray that my God's strength will shine through.
So, if you see me in the next few weeks and you see that I have a little gap where eyelashes should be I want you to think of one thing:
Madison may be weak, but her Jesus is strong.
because that's the reminder I am getting every time I look in the mirror. and I am actually thankful for it.
*If you or anyone you know struggles with this hard and awful disorder PLEASE contact me! I am obviously not healed and maybe never will be but I have come a long long way from where I once was and I can now say that I have a healthy view of this disorder and practical ways to strive to not let it define you!
