Neediness & Why God Doesn't Hate It

Since August, I have been interning at the Christian Women's Job Corps here in Waco. I have been wanting to blog about my many eye-opening and life-altering experiences but I haven't known where to even begin. There are so many things I have seen and heard that I sometimes wish I could un-see and un-hear for the sake of my comfort. Some days, I'd rather pretend that I didn't know about my client sleeping under a bridge while I fall asleep on my perfectly comfortable bed. More days than not, I don't want to remember that my clients wear the same clothes over and over again because if I let myself remember this then I don't feel good about going shopping even though "I have nothing at all to wear in my closet". I don't want to think about my client who is going home to abuse or is struggling with buying her 2 year old son shoes that fit his feet. I don't want to know. I don't want to hear. I don't want to see. But I do. Every day, I see these things and I can't un-see them... and I now Praise God for that.

When I declared Social Work as my major, I worried most about not being able to leave my work at work. I had people tell me that I get too involved and invested in people to become a social worker and actually stay sane. And maybe they're right... but maybe I don't want to stay sane. Because all too often I think my definition of sane can actually be translated as comfortable. Are boundaries necessary in client/worker relationships? Definitely. But does God want me to un-see the things I have seen that make me feel convicted about my "sane" life? Definitely not.

The reality is that I can't truly separate my work life from my home life because if I do, I have to ignore everything I have become aware of and as a believer of Jesus, I just can't do it and after 9 weeks in the field I've decided I'm going to stop trying to. As much as I would like to think that Waco is Baylor and Baylor is Waco it just isn't true. There is so much more. So much poverty. So many hungry people. So many people without homes. So many needs un-met. So many people un-loved and un-touched.

and so many comfortable people doing nothing about it. 

My goal of this post isn't to harass you or make you feel bad. It's more just to let you all know what I've seen, what I now know, and that because of this I am asking for people to hold me accountable to doing something about it. Can I destroy poverty and hunger alone? No, I can't. Is it my job as a social worker to rescue my clients? No, it isn't. But I can change my perspective. I can make people aware in hopes that maybe they too, would change their perspective. 

I used to think that every homeless person asking for money on the street wanted to use it to buy drugs. That was until my client told me that she needed 5 dollars just to stay in the homeless shelter that night and she didn't know where she was going to get the money. Do some people use the money to buy drugs? I'm sure they do but who am I to assume such a thing based on circumstance and/or appearance?

You see, these people you pass on the street or outside of the grocery store or you see under a bridge aren't just people to me anymore. They're a familiar face full of stories and experiences that are starting to change my life. 

They're people who are making my life extremely un-comfortable and saving it at the same time. 

Out of all the things I am learning from these women one of the best is the fact that: 

God loves a needy heart. 

These women have needy hearts, they aren't afraid to let us know it and I believe that God is glorified in this. I have been thinking about this a lot and how though my life looks different from these women's in so many ways that in a lot of ways it's not so different. I'm needy too and they are teaching me that when I am weak and needy, God is strong and seen. 

Why God loves a needy heart: 

1. Your neediness reveals that God is God... it isn't often in our culture anymore that people feel desperately needy. There are way too many resources available to financially stable people for them to actually feel in desperate need in everyday life. These women however, often times don't know where they are going to sleep that night and this puts them in a situation where they are forced to accept that they aren't God and they can't save themselves. Therefore, neediness has the ability to declare that God is the only one who is God and worthy of praise. 

2. Your neediness shows God's strength... this is the part where God gets to shine through you because you can't shine yourself. Our helplessness puts God in a perfect position to show His power. Plus God loves to bless the poor and needy... we should too. 

3. Your neediness drives you to God... don't let your neediness drive you to try and get what you want from God but rather just to get you MORE of God. Hannah in the bible didn't use her neediness as a tool to get a child but as a tool to get more of God. God blessed her with a child but that wasn't the point. The point is that Hannah used her obstacle as an asset to know and trust her Jesus more. 

don't settle for a comfortable life because God has too many things to teach you through people who make you feel un-comforable. 

recognize your neediness, let it be something that drives you to Christ and then make much of Jesus through your weaknesses and the weaknesses of others. 

seek the welfare of the city... and that doesn't mean just Baylor.  

Life Lately: Dating, Change, and Letting Go.

If you remember, this summer I wrote a blog series on singleness. If you don't remember, you can scroll on over to the side of this blog and check it out! This summer, I was l o v i n g being single and I truly mean loving it. I got to a point where I finally felt like I had "figured" out this whole singleness thing and I was starting to find myself comfortable in it. Then.... I did a 10 day fast with one of my dear friends (check out her blog here ) where we decided that we wanted to grow into deeper intimacy with Jesus and knew that for this specific season one way we could do this is by fasting from guys. Not that guys are bad and not that we would run away from them when we saw them, BUT we wanted to be radical in a way for a short time in order to get our focus back to where we wanted it... on Christ. That being said, on day 7 of this "boy fast" I felt like God was saying this to me...

"Madison, you have finally learned to trust me with your singleness but will your trust in Me reach over into your dating life? If I was to give you the gift of dating rather than the gift of singleness would you still trust that I am good, just, and loving? Will you let me guide you out of comfort? Will you step out of something that you feel like you are an "expert" in and walk into something you know nothing about...??" 

I was immediately shaken by this because God's voice was so clear to me. I felt like He was speaking to me in a way that He had rarely done before...or maybe I was just listening better. But regardless, I could feel like I was being called into something that was foreign to me... called to walk into the unknown, to be obedient without knowing how I would be perceived or what the outcome would hold. I was fearful because I could feel the calm before the storm in a way. I fear change more than almost anything in this world and I felt like God was preparing me for a season of change and that it was going to come in the form of dating. And while I knew that I wanted to be obedient... it wasn't going to happen without a fight from my end. And fighting I did...

A few weeks go by after the fast and turns out what God was telling me was exactly what He had prepared for me to walk into... a season of change which came exactly in the form of dating. While I would love to tell you all about the past month and a half of dating a wonderful, patient and God-fearing man that isn't the point of this blog post at all. So, feel free to message me or ask me next time you see me for the full story but as of now, this is what God has been teaching me... 

i like to be in control. 

this is the first thing that God began to reveal to me and is continuing to reveal to me. I have (unfortunately) over my lifetime developed a habit of wanting to control things. Anything from controlling where we're going to go to dinner to wanting to control how my life is going to pan out... 

which leads me to my next realization. As a true follower and disciple of Christ... 

i cannot write my own story. 

 and I should not be trying to. 

The more intimately I walk with Jesus the more I realize how detrimental it is for me to have the desire to control things, and the desire to write my life out the way I think it should be written. What a pathetic excuse for the gospel!! When Jesus first called His disciples it is important to note that He didn't say "Pray about your decision, see how you feel about it and then come and follow Me." It sounds humorous because we know that isn't at all what happened but I think more times than we want to admit that this is how we think Jesus calls us. This is not the case. Not in the least. 

¹⁸ Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee. He saw two brothers. They were Simon (his other name was Peter) and Andrew, his brother. They were putting a net into the sea for they were fishermen. ¹⁹ Jesus said to them, “Follow Me. I will make you fish for men!” ²⁰ At once they left their nets and followed Him.

²¹ Going from there, Jesus saw two other brothers. They were James and John, the sons of Zebedee. They were sitting in a boat with their father, mending their nets. Jesus called them. ²² At once they left the boat and their father and followed Jesus. -Matthew 4:18-22 

This is a perfect example of how Jesus calls us to follow Him. Both times Jesus immediately calls these men to follow Him. He doesn't tell them to wait around until you think He proves Himself worthy of trust to follow. He doesn't say wait here until I give you clarity that this is going to look the way you want it to. He doesn't say to go and ask a bunch of people for advice on what to do to follow. 

He just says f o l l o w. He says urgently, to drop your nets and choose to follow. Choose to take the first step of obedience and then the next, and then the next, and then the next. He will not reveal to you the reasoning of His plan before you take the step of obedience because that requires absolutely no faith. Choose to believe He is good and worthy of your trust no matter what season of life He has called you into. 

This leads me to my latest revelation which is... 

i used to pray for clarity but now i pray for trust... 

I used to spend all my time begging Jesus to give me clarity in what I need to do and how I need to do it but now I am finally realizing that if I am a true disciple of Jesus that I am not in control so why do I need clarity? What I need is to see my God as a big, loving, powerful and kind owner of my life and then to TRUST that where He leads me will be where I need to be... in His presence and for His glory. I need to count all that I have as LOSS compared to what I gain in surrendering, serving, and following Jesus. I need not to worry, because I am not the owner of my life. I must only have faith and obedience to what He has called me into. I must only steward well what He has given me. 

life is better when i don't have control. life is better when I trust the One worthy of my very self--my very life and when I live for Him and His renown.  

so, nowadays i am trying daily to lean into change, trusting Him because of who He is and letting go of control. 

it's good. plus, turns out dating isn't so bad. who knew?