weary and worn.

I've cried at least 3 times every day for the past 7 days. That's a lot of crying. You can go ahead and feel horrible for my parents, my friends, my boyfriend and anyone else who has had the unfortunate privilege of even coming in contact with me over the past 7 days. I know I do, so I give you the freedom to feel horrible for them as well. You're welcome.

A week ago yesterday, I was sitting at a table in McAlister's deli when I read an email that I had just received that read as following:

Madison,

Attached is the letter letting you know the decision of the committee to not accept you into the MSW program here at Baylor..........................

It said some other things too, about how they were sorry and some other "kind" words of rejection but I couldn't read the rest of it due to the tears already streaming down my face. I picked up my books and rushed out of the restaurant as strangers looked at me with the most awkward "empathetic" faces I've ever seen.

4 years ago I decided that I wanted to come to Baylor, major in Social Work, graduate in May 2014 with my Bachelors degree and then again in May 2015 with my Masters. I would have never thought that I wouldn't get into the grad school program and I also would have never thought that if I didn't get into it that I would be as shaken and broken as I currently am. I have been dealing with a very wide range of emotions from anger and bitterness to deep sadness, hurt, and betrayal. I am having to mourn something that has been my dream/goal of mine for 4 years while also looking toward the future and how I now must start to take complete different steps than I originally thought. For four years I thought that my plans come this May were secure and now in 3 months I will graduate with the possibility of having no idea where I am supposed to go from here.

A couple of days ago I went to my Heavenly Father in complete brokenness saying,

"Father, this has been my plan for the past 4 years. This has been my parents plan for me and the path that those close to me thought I was for sure to take. Lord, why did I never ask you if this was YOUR plan? Not one time did I doubt that this was what you had for me and yet now here I am with a very clear closed door. I am sorry that I never sought your guidance in this process but Lord, help me now. Strengthen my faith for it is so small right now. I am without trust in you. I am without peace and without joy. Come quickly, Lord. Here is my life... the brokenness of it and the unknown path--claim it again. I release my clenched fists, offer you back this life that isn't my own although I have claimed it to be. Forgive me, guide me, use me in any way you see fit even if it comes in the form of more rejection."

Somewhere along the way I decided that God could have parts of my life but not all of it. I didn't fully realize I was doing this but I was. I had decided that I would be willing to give him the parts of my life that I hadn't yet figured out, but the ones that I believed were already set and stone didn't need to be offered up to God.

"I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.” -Elisabeth Elliot

I have been clinging to this everyday lately. I have been realizing that rejection is painful and that that's ok. I have also been realizing that I needed God to do something like this to grab hold of my attention. I don't want to admit that and it's a lot easier to sit around and let people tell me that they feel sorry for me while I feel sorry for myself. But the problem with doing this is that it leaves no room for sanctification, growth or refinement. It only leaves room for self-pity and selfishness.The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by God letting us have our way in the end but by Him making us w a i t .

Waiting is hard. Waiting is especially hard for a control freak like myself. So it makes since that God would ask me to wait in order to show me Himself.

Rejection or doors being shut or slammed in some cases, is something that is difficult and often times requires grieving. Like I mentioned earlier, this is where I currently find myself.

In Kyle Lake's last sermon that he was never able to preach at UBC Waco he was talking all about living life well. And he says this,

"If you have recently experienced loss, grieve. And grieve well."

Loss can come in many ways and forms and for my case recently it has come in the form of a lost dream and a lost goal. I am quick to beat myself up for being so upset about something that "isn't a huge deal" but this mentality doesn't allow myself time to grieve and to do it well.

I have doubted whether or I should try and write all of this out because I am still in a grieving process and I don't have anything "figured out" but I think that's the point... the point is that I don't have to have it figured out. I don't have to have something profound to say or be able to give a specific answer for all those who are going through something similar to me. The only answer I have right now is Jesus. And I am starting to finally not just say that this is the best place to be but I am starting to know, believe, and am absolutely banking on it.

I am in a place of grieving and I don't want to stay here. But just because I don't want to be here doesn't mean that I don't have to walk through the process. I must walk this path and I would be wise if I let Christ lead and sought to find my rest in Him along the way.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:21-30 MSG)

I am tired and worn. I am burned out on school and on not knowing where to go from here. 

And with this My Father says c o m e  t o  m e 

get away with me and you'll recover your life. 

i will show you how to take a real rest. 

learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

i will not lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

keep company with me and you will learn

to live freely... and l i g h t l y . 

I am weary and worn. I am going through the stages of grief and while it's necessary to do this well, I also have a lot of Truth that I need to remind myself of. 

In this world we are PROMISED trouble... but take heart because He has overcome the world. Take HEART... He is behind you, beside you, beneath you, above you, in front of you and IN you. Join me in offering your un-met expectations, lost dreams, hurt and pain to a GOD WHO CARES. 

I am weary and worn but God calls me friend. 

I am weary and worn but God is strong and kind. 

I am weary and worn but God withholds no good thing from me. 

I am weary and worn but God's grace a b o u n d s . 

I am weary and worn but God offers R E S T . 

I am weary and worn but God is Emmanuel... He is with me. 

i can learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 
i can speak Truth to my weary and worn soul. 

i can exchange my unwanted baggage and pain for a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light. 

i can walk with my savior, redeemer, friend, guide, and the author of my life. 

i can fall in step with the man from Nazareth. and nothing else matters... what a gift for this weary and worn soul.