Claiming My Story: Our Journey through Miscarriage

A little over a month ago Jon and I found out that we were pregnant. 3 days ago right when we were about to announce the  news to everyone, we found out that we lost our baby. I don't know what to write but I know that writing is what helps me believe and rest in God's truth and that is what I am needing desperately. So here I am, trying to write out truth to you and mainly, to me.

There are too many words and yet at the same time no words at all. Adult life is proving to be the most UN-predictable thing of my life. Though we might not admit it, we think we have so much control in this life we have been given and then things like death and miscarriage happen to force yourself to realize something quite different. That's where I'm at right now... realizing that I don't actually have control over my life. You see, my story isn't at all being written the way I thought it would or should have been and it didn't just start with my miscarriage. 

Although I am embarrassed to admit it, when we found out that we were pregnant I was.... devastated. We had only been married 6 months and there was still SO MUCH I wanted to do just me and jon before we let a baby come into our lives and change everything. I cried and cried and cried. I thought all the worse case scenario  thoughts.... "everyone will judge us for getting pregnant so soon and they'll feel bad for us that we won't get to have the normal 2 years of marriage before you start even considering having a baby stage" or "we are already worried about money now we are really screwed" or my personal favorite "now I can't lose all that weight I've been talking about losing". Yeah, I had that thought.

Our world was turned completely upside down when we saw those two pink lines and now it has been turned upside down again knowing that the baby we didn't plan but had already chosen to love won't be joining us in this world. It's a hard and confusing reality when you realize  that you don't really know what is making you happy and what isn't. When fleeting things start to satisfy you and when you can't get yourself to cling to the only thing that isn't fleeting and the only thing that will actually bring true rest and healing to your soul. When we first found out we were pregnant all I could focus on is all the things we would miss out on by having this baby and now all I can focus on is all the things we will miss out on by not getting to have this baby. I guess the grass really isn't greener on the other side.

Just like when I first got pregnant I had to keep reminding myself that I AM NOT THE CREATOR OF LIFE. I don't get to decide when I think it's a good time to have a baby- God does. I don't get that privilege because I am not God. I repeat, I am NOT the creator of life. At the same time I am also not the SUSTAINER of life either. And that is what I am having to remind myself of every 30 seconds since losing our baby. I have to fight off thoughts that I did something wrong and that is why my baby didn't get to live... but me, sustainer of life? Nope. Not in my job description. God gives and God takes away... that's His job and my job is to (not easily) but simply trust His goodness. 

I haven't come to any good conclusions about how I can use this to speak some incredible truth over you all but I do know this... we all have different stories. I've been married and pregnant and lost a baby while some of my best friends are still waiting for a guy to ask them on a date. But in no way, shape or form is my story better than theirs or their story better than mine. They are just different. 

I can almost HEAR God asking me... "Yes, Madison I know that this isn't what you thought your story would be. But will you claim it? Will you walk faithfully in what I have and haven't given you? Trusting that I am a good, good Father and that I love you?" That is what He is asking me and that is what He is asking you. Will we say YES, Lord? I've been wanting to say no so much these past few days but that hasn't been helping. Grieving is good, yes and I hope that Jon and I will continue to grieve well. BUT pitching fits isn't always the best thing... and more than that, refusing to go to Truth during your hardest days? Don't do it. And don't let the people around you let you do it. That is my prayer for myself... that even though I want to run away from God's truth during this time because IT ISN'T FAIR (and it isn't) that my community, my people, the ones who stand in my corner and defend my story... they won't let me. My people won't let me wander too far from my Lord. Thank you, Jesus. 

In the midst of grief I really just have one challenge for you and for me... lets claim our stories.

Whether you are treading through singleness and waiting for that perfect person to come around, working that job you actually really don't like, having a tough season in marriage, or suffering the loss of someone you knew or someone you had hoped to know... claim it. God is with you and He has put you and me in these seasons to show other people His love and grace. Don't walk through these valleys alone... you certainty weren't meant to. Share your story! 

Own it... claim it... walk through it faithfully. 

**and for those of you who would like to pray for Jon and I during this time, we would SO APPRECIATE IT!!! We have already felt the prayers of so many and are so so grateful. Would you let us know how we can be praying for you as well??!! 

Slaves

I am a slave to what people think about me. I am a slave to what h u m a n s think about me. I am a slave to what you think about me. I am so disturbed by this reality but it's the truth and I need to bring it into the light so that it can ultimately be put to death. 

I think the past 12 months have been some of the hardest months of my entire life. I have been, and still am, in such spiritual warfare. I wish this was a blogpost about everything I have learned from having {once} struggled...but it's far from that because I am {still} struggling. If anything, I am deeper now than even before in the trenches of learning how to live for Christ and not for man. Such a simple thing to say, yet living that way is my greatest desire and my hardest fight. A simple command from my Father and yet I kick and scream and cry messy tears over the battle of believing that who God says that I am is more important than who YOU say that I am. 

Just like every person on this earth, I have been given my own fair share of un-fair things that I have to learn to live with. I am prone to anxiety and depression. Most nights, anxiety steals my sleep, robs my joy and tries to tell me that I'm not good enough for anybody or anything.  I have been diagnosed with OCD and struggle daily with the un-wanted condition called Trichotillomania. I have PCOS that causes me to gain weight un-expectantly and causes me to fear infertility. While I recognize that so many people have it way worse than I do, I would be lying to you if I said that these things weren't the hard things in my life... the things satan is so quick to use to tell me that I should throw myself a pity party. That I should actually focus on these things so that I WON'T focus on the things that God has done. 

God conquered death and washed me CLEAN of sin but I can't even remember that when I am so focused on gaining 10 pounds. I could be reminding myself of the Gospel story but there isn't enough room in my day because I am reminding myself of what everyone must think of me now that my clothes don't fit. I could be thinking about how God has CALLED ME WORTHY of love and affection but I can't because I am too busy worried about HUMANS thinking that I am anything but. How could I be something that the world is telling me I'm not? I COULD be thinking about all the gifts God has given me here on earth but I CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING BUT MY SORROWS. Why me, Lord? Why do I have to pull my eyelashes out and feel like no-one understands my agony about it? Why do I have to worry all time? Why do I have to be enslaved to mental illness? Why me? Why me? 

WHY NOT ME? 

I was walking with my mom this morning crying to her about all these things I feel enslaved to. How I just wish so badly that I didn't have all of these problems... how I wish I could be more normal and not have to answer to anxiety and depression and OCD and PCOS every single day. I was pouring myself out to her for the 700th time this year about how I just feel robbed. I was throwing myself another pity party and I wanted her to help me serve cake and ice cream for all my guests. I wanted her to egg it on... to tell me how sorry she was that I had to battle all of this and that it wasn't fair. I so badly wanted my mama to come to my rescue and she did but not how I wanted her to... but exactly how I needed her to. She simply (and pretty firmly I might add) said... 

"Madison, why NOT you? Everyone has to live with horrible things. It isn't dodging the horrible things that make you better... it's learning to live WITH them and giving God glory while you do that make you better... I just want you to stop thinking that this is about you. It isn't. It's about God and how you can glorify Him in it. " 

At first I was mad. Not shocked because my mom is a bold woman of God... but frustrated that she wasn't giving me what I wanted. But then it finally clicked... and it has continued to click throughout the rest of this Saturday as things haven't gone as I would like them to. I know that I am still in the fight of believing that I am not some victim, BUT at least I now know that I WILL be asking myself a different question every day... 

Why NOT me? 

These are my things. These are the things that God has and will continue to use to sanctify me. These are the things that I can release to Him and trust that He knows what He is doing. 

THESE THINGS are what I can use to know my Father, my Heavenly Daddy MORE. 

These are my offerings to him. Will I cling tight to them and wish they would go away... or will I give them up to Him to use as He chooses? I pray that it will be the latter. Will you pray that for me too? 

Would you journey with me and pray that I won't focus on pleasing man but rather focus on pleasing God? That I will trust and obey Him? That I would trust that when He says I am enough that I would believe it? And that when He says to trust Him that I just simply... would? 

It's true what I said at the beginning of this post, I do struggle with being a slave to what people think about me. BUT Christ died for even that so that I could live in freedom of it... It's time that I started living my true identity out... a slave to GOD alone. 

Redeemed. Forgiven. Beautiful. Loved. This is who I am. 

Try it with me? 

^"7 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2nd Corinthians 12:7-10

O the Joy, O the Sorrow

This past month, a lot of horrible things have been happening around my community. Especially yesterday when The Brook Hill School (my alma mater and where my family works) lost two of their own in a tragic car wreck. This lays heavy on my heart and even heavier on so many hearts around me. As I was driving home tonight with my husband, I remembered some lyrics to one of David Crowders old songs... "O the joy and o the sorrow" was all I could remember as I frantically searched for the song. I knew that it talked about how horrible life can be and I desperately wanted to hear something that would bring sense to this pain and sorrow that I haven't been able to shake. Turns out the song is called "Shadows".  In it, Crowder writes:

Life is full of light and shadow

O the joy and O the sorrow

O the sorrow

And yet will He bring 

Dark to light 

And yet will He bring 

Day from night

When shadows fall on us 

We will not fear 

We will remember 

When all seems lost 

When we're thrown and we're tossed 

We remember the cost 

We rest in Him the

Shadow of the cross 

I couldn't help but cry and feel peace all at the same time while letting these lyrics pour over my soul. All day long I have been trying to fight off anxiety and fear for myself and for a handful of others. And I just keep failing. Every time I try to do something to make it better...it just doesn't. Because when tragedy hits, it hits hard and it leaves no room for peace until you let the Prince of Peace enter in. When I heard the words of this song tonight, I realized something I think God has been trying to tell me for many months and even years--Madison, this isn't your home. You won't be here long... don't let yourself get too comfortable. 

For the past year a lot of exciting things have been happening in my life.  I graduated college, I got engaged and then got married. But even though those things have been so so good, I look back on this past year as one of the hardest of my life because I have come face to face with grief so many times.

• First, I graduated college (which is a huge accomplishment) but then in about 12 hours, I packed up and left everything I had called home for the past 4 years thinking that I was coming back...and I never did.
• I made the hard decision to not go to grad school...which put a lot of unknown in my future (this was terrifying to me).
• My then boyfriend, now husband, spent a summer away at camp where I couldn't talk to him for 6 out of 7 days. 13 weeks straight of extremely minimal communication.
• I faced the reality of rejection and the fear of not being liked or accepted multiple times.
• I fought anxiety attacks and depression.
• A childhood friend committed suicide.
• I got my first "real" job.
• I was asked to leave that job.
• I planned a wedding.
• I learned how to live on my "own".
• I got married.
• I fought alongside my husband for months until he found a job.
• And now this...the tragedy that happened at Brook Hill.

So much joy...and so much sorrow. If I know anything about life so far is that it will bring you so much joy and so much sorrow. The pain is often too much to bear and the joy is often over-shadowed by pain, regret, bitterness, and an un-grateful heart. I don't know much but I do know that in this hard season of life I have learned that God is still there and He is still good. 

{ Do I feel that? No, not so much. But do I trust it? Yes. God took hold of my little heart 18 years ago and hasn't let go. I have been running from him in times of trial looking to the world to heal my wounds, but it never does and it never will. }

I've also learned that while the past 12 months have seemed to be some of my worst, I'm sure that they won't be my very worst in this life. Pain has come and it will go in some senses but it will return and more than likely it will hurt more than the last time. God prepares you for what He has prepared for you. He is good like that and He cares. Despite our feelings of anger or betrayal or confusion, He DOES care. His promises are true and I know it full well. 

I am by no means an expert or even knowledgable when it comes to grief, but I do know what the 

Bible says about it:

Suffering is promised to us in scripture (James 1:2, Acts 14:22, John 15:20) 

Satan is real. And he is here to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) 

God is good and just (2 Thessalonians 1:6, Psalm 138:3) 

God loves us. We are dearly loved. (John 3:16, 1 John 4:8) 

When we said yes to Jesus and to His will and not our own, suffering became a part of who we are. Whether our suffering is "big or small" in the world's eyes is not the point. The point is that we suffer. Humans suffer. Christians living in this fallen world suffer and it's okay. If you are suffering, grieve and grieve well. And if you continue to suffer, offer up your sufferings to Christ because we KNOW that he will not turn away from the broken-hearted.

Throughout the bible those who wrote the deepest and most meaningful things are those who suffered deeply. Christ allows us to go deep with him into the depths of suffering...he is already there and we can meet him there. Scripture tells us that we can GAIN Christ when we suffer, meaning we can choose to become more like Christ when we suffer...and suffer well. 

I don't have much else to say and if you made it to the end of this blog post, then thanks for sticking with me. My words feel busy and messy, but life is busy and messy. Grief is certainly busy and messy.

If anything at all, these hard moments, seasons, or years are a constant reminder to me that this isn't home. God has come to save us and He will come again to bring us to our true home. Praise Him for that!!!

And if I have to guess...I think eternity with God is going to make all of this mess worth it.

O the Joy, O the Sorrow....truly. 

What I've Learned in 34 days of Marriage

Jon and I just celebrated 1 whole month of marriage (shouts out to us) and today I'm processing through that month and the months that came prior to it annnnnnnndd you know what??

Life is weird. Time is weird. Life is hard. Time is hard. And yet at the same time they're good too.

I always thought that I would be some superwoman by the time I was married. That I would have somehow and someway officially "made" it. Made what? I don't really know now that I think about it but I definitely thought I would be more put together than I am or at the least feel more purposeful than I currently do sitting at this computer typing to you people.

Right after we left our reception and were pulling out of the parking lot I turned to my new husband and said "I feel completely the same. Like I feel totally normal, just like I always do. Is that normal?"

He just laughed and said he didn't know but that he felt the same way.

Visual image... a new thing around here. You're welcome.

In the past 34 days more things have been the same than different. Yes, I now share a bed with a boy and all of the sudden we are constantly doing dishes and going to bed at 8pm but other than that... things are the same. 

It's the bigger things that are the same too. Like how this once single blogger turned married blogger is still struggling with the SAME sins and how I still (despite being married to the greatest man i know) can't seem to be satisfied. I thought marriage might help some of these deep rooted things... I mean pre-marriage I wasn't about to come out and say I thought they would fix them completely but deep down I think I might have. I thought that being married to Jon would be the greatest thing I have ever done and it is in so many ways but then in the other ways my pretty much perfect husband (im serious... he is a saint) still falls short at fulfilling the very depths of my soul. He can't do it. I didn't really think he could but now I know he can't. I thought my first 34 days of marriage would look a little different than they have... you know the movie type of love you see. The reality has been: 

• my husband is working harder than anyone I know and yet still doesn't have a permanent full time job. This leaves us both with anxiety and fear of the unknown... Do we really trust God?
• I have spent a good dozen of our 34 nights together crying in Jons arms because I just can't.seem.to.find.satisfaction. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and yet I feel like I am living someone else's life because if it was my life I would be skipping class right now and complaining about SING practice tonight.... 
• countless hours of trying to cook. keyword... trying. like i am not good. #pray4jon 
• all of a sudden the world is constantly wanting to know what my "occupation" is... ummmm is "working part time hoping to go back to school but don't really know anything" an option? 
• and to just add a cherry to this cake Parenthood ENDED. for GOOD. I am still crying. 

Anyway, all jokes aside (but i'm not joking about parenthood) these first 34 days have been hard in ways I didn't expect and g.o.o.d. in ways I didn't expect either! There is nothing quite like telling your husband that you just don't feel satisfied the first month of marriage and him gently and graciously telling you that it's perfectly ok to feel that way and then going on to help me process through it and wipe my tears as he goes. Jon Lasse has already been the single greatest picture of the gospel to me and I praise Jesus for him! 

However, what is the MAIN thing I have learned in 34 days of marriage??

Contentment is a discipline you must practice in any season of life. 

The worst part about marriage is the worst part about singleness... I continue to try to find satisfaction in earthly things that can't satisfy and I struggle to practice contentment. That's it. Marriage isn't hard because my husband isn't __________. Marriage (And singleness, dating, engagement, etc) is hard because we as humans continue to try to figure it all out on our own. We try to make ourselves happy with good things but not perfect and eternal things. We then pitch fits (hello me) when we realize that we aren't happy and we've tried so hard to get there all the while forfeiting things like the discipline of gratefulness and contentment not to mention fixing our focus on our only Savior. 

So, marriage is teaching me a lot. A lot about how new seasons are hard and they don't promise much of anything. It's all about what we put into it and what our perspective of it is. Exhale.... yes, persepective. Something I'll be working on today. 

One last thing I have been thinking a lot about it is how not only do I need to practice contentment but how I also need a real understanding that this world is not our home. As I continue to "decorate and nurture" my new married "home" may I always remember that the deepest longings won't come this side of heaven. And that's okay. The twinge of pain I walk around with everyday is a constant and GOOD reminder that no, this earth isn't home. Praise God! 

If you feel led, please pray for Jon and I as we continue to transition into marriage and as Jon looks for a job! Our prayer is that we will be outwardly focused, grateful, and content. That we would consistently focus on the faithfulness of our God even when life isn't how we think it should be.

Much love to ALL OF YOU from the newest Lasse!