Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow
And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night
When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him the
Shadow of the cross
I couldn't help but cry and feel peace all at the same time while letting these lyrics pour over my soul. All day long I have been trying to fight off anxiety and fear for myself and for a handful of others. And I just keep failing. Every time I try to do something to make it better...it just doesn't. Because when tragedy hits, it hits hard and it leaves no room for peace until you let the Prince of Peace enter in. When I heard the words of this song tonight, I realized something I think God has been trying to tell me for many months and even years--Madison, this isn't your home. You won't be here long... don't let yourself get too comfortable.
For the past year a lot of exciting things have been happening in my life. I graduated college, I got engaged and then got married. But even though those things have been so so good, I look back on this past year as one of the hardest of my life because I have come face to face with grief so many times.
- First, I graduated college (which is a huge accomplishment) but then in about 12 hours, I packed up and left everything I had called home for the past 4 years thinking that I was coming back...and I never did.
- I made the hard decision to not go to grad school...which put a lot of unknown in my future (this was terrifying to me).
- My then boyfriend, now husband, spent a summer away at camp where I couldn't talk to him for 6 out of 7 days. 13 weeks straight of extremely minimal communication.
- I faced the reality of rejection and the fear of not being liked or accepted multiple times.
- I fought anxiety attacks and depression.
- A childhood friend committed suicide.
- I got my first "real" job.
- I was asked to leave that job.
- I planned a wedding.
- I learned how to live on my "own".
- I got married.
- I fought alongside my husband for months until he found a job.
- And now this...the tragedy that happened at Brook Hill.
So much joy...and so much sorrow. If I know anything about life so far is that it will bring you so much joy and so much sorrow. The pain is often too much to bear and the joy is often over-shadowed by pain, regret, bitterness, and an un-grateful heart. I don't know much but I do know that in this hard season of life I have learned that God is still there and He is still good.
{ Do I feel that? No, not so much. But do I trust it? Yes. God took hold of my little heart 18 years ago and hasn't let go. I have been running from him in times of trial looking to the world to heal my wounds, but it never does and it never will. }
I've also learned that while the past 12 months have seemed to be some of my worst, I'm sure that they won't be my very worst in this life. Pain has come and it will go in some senses but it will return and more than likely it will hurt more than the last time. God prepares you for what He has prepared for you. He is good like that and He cares. Despite our feelings of anger or betrayal or confusion, He DOES care. His promises are true and I know it full well.
I am by no means an expert or even knowledgable when it comes to grief, but I do know what the
Bible says about it:
Suffering is promised to us in scripture (James 1:2, Acts 14:22, John 15:20)
Satan is real. And he is here to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)
God is good and just (2 Thessalonians 1:6, Psalm 138:3)
God loves us. We are dearly loved. (John 3:16, 1 John 4:8)
When we said yes to Jesus and to His will and not our own, suffering became a part of who we are. Whether our suffering is "big or small" in the world's eyes is not the point. The point is that we suffer. Humans suffer. Christians living in this fallen world suffer and it's okay. If you are suffering, grieve and grieve well. And if you continue to suffer, offer up your sufferings to Christ because we KNOW that he will not turn away from the broken-hearted.
Throughout the bible those who wrote the deepest and most meaningful things are those who suffered deeply. Christ allows us to go deep with him into the depths of suffering...he is already there and we can meet him there. Scripture tells us that we can GAIN Christ when we suffer, meaning we can choose to become more like Christ when we suffer...and suffer well.
I don't have much else to say and if you made it to the end of this blog post, then thanks for sticking with me. My words feel busy and messy, but life is busy and messy. Grief is certainly busy and messy.
If anything at all, these hard moments, seasons, or years are a constant reminder to me that this isn't home. God has come to save us and He will come again to bring us to our true home. Praise Him for that!!!
And if I have to guess...I think eternity with God is going to make all of this mess worth it.
O the Joy, O the Sorrow....truly.
