Dear March 23rd

Dear March 23rd,

I guess I always knew that you would eventually be here. I knew that time would keep moving and that one day I would wake up and it would be the day I was supposed to have a baby but actually the day that I go to work and just do really normal things. I guess I knew that you would come and go and I guess I knew that you would make me feel something I just didn't know what the something(s) would be until you actually got close to showing up.

You make me feel anxious because I feel so.many.things. but which ones are "okay" to feel? You make me feel confused and a little bit lonely. You make me feel sad because of what was going to be but isn't anymore. You make me feel guilty because a little bit of me is relieved that I'm not having a baby today. But how can you make me feel sad, angry, lonely AND relieved all at once? Your ability to make me feel all of these things at one time is why you also have the ability to make me feel incredibly anxious.You make me feel like whatever I am doing today or feeling today is somehow wrong. That someone else would be doing/feeling differently... and they probably would be. But they aren't me and their story isn't mine. If I'm honest with you, you make me feel overwhelmed in so many ways. You remind me of how scared I felt when I was pregnant and how scared I feel now when I fear never being pregnant again. You make me fear things that I don't have control over--things that may or may not ever happen.

I know all of this isn't your fault... me and you have always been on pretty good terms before and honestly, I know we can be on good terms again. I just have to spend some time processing what you now represent for me. You once were just a day like all the rest and now you're something so much more.

You represent death but also life. You represent loss but also gain. I lost a baby but I gained more knowledge of God's goodness and faithfulness. I lost "control" over my life but God taught me that I never wanted to be the one in control anyway. I lost something good but was reminded that He is better.  I learned that God is near to the broken-hearted and His nearness is everything.   You reminded me of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego... how they desperately wanted God to save them from the fiery furnace BUT EVEN IF HE DIDN'T (cue Shane and Shane) they would still praise Him. Oh, how I want faith like that.

You helped me  remember and learn all of that and so in a lot of ways, you March 23rd aren't so bad at all. And that's what I have to remind myself of today.

Although there is pain, there is good too. And I guess a lot of days are like that. I'm trying to learn that it's okay to just be. To just feel exactly as I do knowing that God in all His goodness and grace accepts me fully. Even if I feel the "wrong" thing.

He loves me and wants good things for me. And that's the best reminder in all the land. 

So, to you March 23rd, I guess I need to say:

thank you. 

and I'll see you in 364 days. 

I won't be so scared next time. 

light. and the people who change you forever.

When I was a Junior in high school my best friend Emma and I went to McAlisters Deli to "catch-up" one afternoon. God nudged me that day as a 17 year old to talk to Emma about the sin in my life that I hadn't ever shared with anyone before. I was literally shaking because I couldn't figure out why God wanted me to talk to her about this and I definitely didn't want to. I finally told her that I felt like God wanted me to tell her something but I refused to talk about it in public so we needed to go to the car... when I finally got the nerve to tell her she just started to cry and said... "me too". In that moment I knew what C.S. Lewis meant when he said:

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." 

I felt freedom in knowing that I wasn't alone and I felt even more freedom in knowing that someone finally knew my "secret" and wasn't giving up on me. We left that day with a new commitment to one another... we would start TALKING to each-other about our sin and we would encourage each other to run from darkness and walk in the Light. I believe this was the start of my passion for honesty and vulnerability in friendship. For me, knowing that someone knew me fully and still loved me was so powerful and the one thing that pointed me to Jesus more than anything else.

Today in church, our pastor preached about living in darkness vs. living in the Light and I couldn't stop thinking about that day at McAlisters. That day forged the way for me to live many years of vulnerability with people knowing full well that this would push me to live like Jesus, which would result in me walking in Light. But if I'm honest with you, I've lost so much of that zeal and passion for vulnerability and it wasn't really until this morning that I realized... I'm walking in darkness. And the result of this darkness has been and honestly still is:

fear. exhaustion. anxiety. insecurity. panic attacks. loneliness. uncertainty. guilt.  

I feel like it's been hard to breathe for almost 2 years now. What once was a certainty that God had given me a GIFT of vulnerability has since been crushed and destroyed by letting humans decide who I am. Over the past two years I have felt the most pain I've ever felt in my short lifetime from people who I thought were "my people". These individuals who I thought of as some of my closest confidants simply deciding that my friendship wasn't worth it anymore. Then there were some other people who thought my blog wasn't good... they thought some of my posts were "too honest" and "out of line". I was simply "too emotional or too much". These things crippled me and at times I thought the lack of these individuals approval was going to destroy me. I (obviously) had/have a serious issue with seeking HUMAN approval which has since become a glaring sin in my life. I let these people's thought of me completely change my view of myself. Instead of seeing my sensitivity, vulnerability, and passion as a gift from God they became the things that I wanted to curse. Dramatic?Probably. But absolutely the truth about what happened. 

Over the past couple of months God has slowly been showing me how to find healing from the various events of the past two years. I am slowing (and I do mean slowly) realizing that my identity just isn't found in humans and how much they like me or dislike me. I've always known this but I haven't let this truth sink in. I haven't let the truth of Gospel change everything and the result of not doing this is... darkness. I have had so much anxiety and fear over the things that I can't control in my life... so much so that when I go back and read through some of my old blog posts I don't even recognize myself. I think "did I really believe those things? Did I have that much trust in who Jesus is?" The darkness has changed me but the Light is beckoning me to come back... back to the place of surrender and peace and joy. 

You see, when I think about the Gospel I'm no longer mad at the people who have hurt me so deeply in this fallen world. When I think about the Gospel I simply CAN'T be mad. When I think about the Gospel I feel so much freedom to forgive and let go. When I think about the Gospel I feel like reconciliation can actually happen and even more importantly than that, I think about how even if reconciliation DOESN'T happen that I'll be okay. When I think about the Gospel I think about how I can view all people as God's children who are so deeply loved and cherished by Him. No matter how much people hurt me--God is still FOR them. No matter how much I hurt people, God is still FOR me. People will and have failed me but at the same time I will and certainly have failed people. Darkness is why. The darkness that sinful people (like myself) bring into this world is why we all suck so much. It's why we hurt people and why people hurt us. And it's okay to admit that we've all failed a whole lot in this thing called life. This morning at church, our pastor said this:

Spiritual darkness is turning away from God and turning to someone or something besides Him as the center of our lives. Spiritual darkness happens when we chase after something or someone that we believe is better than Jesus. 

Over the past 2 years I've spent a whole lot of time chasing the silliest things. I've been avoiding writing for the most part solely out of fear that I'll post something that will make other people think I'm really not that great (lol). I've been avoiding vulnerability with new friends and old friends alike because what if when they see the parts of me that suck they'll decide to leave me? What if they decide that I'm not worth it anymore? And the conclusions I'm coming down to is this: I'm really not that great and any good in me is Jesus anyway, so if someone doesn't like my blog (or me for that matter) than it's okay. Not everyone will like me and that doesn't have to change anything at all. And if I let people in but then they decide to go, than that's okay too. Relationships, even my marriage, just can't define me if I want to live in the Light. They can surely help point me to the Light but they can't define me. What if we stopped letting humans who are sinful give us identity? What if we delighted in the gifts that God has given us and used them for His glory--even if other people mock us or disagree? What if we went to God's living word to find our direction, confidence, and security? What IF, people?! Light would surely shine through. Jesus took on our complete darkness so that we can live in the LIGHT. God gave His absolute BEST (His Son) and His best is completely sufficient. We are not sufficient-- but the Gospel is and the Gospel is ours.

These are things I'm going to strive to do everyday. To live in the Light-- and to invite others, through vulnerability, to do the same. Because some days are going to be like that day at McAlisters-- when you realize that you really can be fully known and fully loved.  That no matter how many times you fail, that person isn't going anywhere. And those days? They change you forever.