I've been thinking a lot about why I haven't been consistent with blogging lately. I love writing and I am always a better human when I sit down and take time to process-- and yet I have done so little of it. I know that writing breathes life and truth into me but I still don't make time for it. The more I think about it the more I realize that I am hesitant to write because...
I'm a mess.
I want to write about things I've learned and how I've come out of hard times a stronger and wiser person. I find myself wanting to write about things of the past--but what's a girl to do when the past is still the present? I've been telling myself for over 700 days now that SOON I'll be able to write about this past season of struggle... but the past part just isn't coming.
I'm realizing that life is really tricky. In the past 2 years I've had so much good happen in my life. But I've also had these changes and "little traumas" that have caused me so much pain. Pain that I feel like I should already be healed of but the reality is that I'm just not there yet. I've made progress but I'm still hurt and wounded and upset. And that's okay. I also think it's okay to write when you know that you don't have it all together (as if anyone ever has it all together).
Maybe my vulnerability will spur someone else on to know that it's okay to be a mess today. It's okay to feel really big and deep things that other people don't understand. It's okay to fall apart every other day for two years-- it just really is okay. The only thing that isn't okay is to throw yourself a pity party and then to get really comfortable there. I fail more often than I'd like to admit but if there is anything I have learned in this season of life is that perspective changes everything.
If I focus on myself and all the things that are going wrong or spinning out of control then I start to feel terrible for myself and lose sight of all the important things in life--not to mention I also start to be a total BIA to my poor husband.
I've found though that if I focus on the Gospel then everything seems to fall back into place. Not necessarily the place that I wanted it to go--but a place none the less. When I focus on the Gospel I leave that stupid pity party and start to see the needs of other people around me. I start to see that other people are struggling too. I start to calm down. I start being able to breathe again.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm struggling and don't know when it's going to stop. I often feel like a failure and I am often forgetting who I am and what my purpose is in this short earthly life. I'm trying to change my perspective daily because it helps and I'm trying to show myself some grace--because that helps too.
I'm also trying to ask for help even though it's really hard. Despite my fear and insecurity that people might decide to leave me--I'm trying to let them into my mess because I know that it's good and healthy. More times than not I don't give my friends great opportunities to enter into the messier moments of my life out of the prideful desire to be perceived as something that I'm not. This is a shame because when I let people in it doesn't just help me--it can help them too. Vulnerability spurs on vulnerability and that's a beautiful thing.
So it turns out that my life isn't smooth sailing right now... and it's okay. Because messy is real and messy is beautiful and messy is pretty much everyone around us. Let's all take a good long deep breath today and let people into our mess.
I think it's going to help.
