On Swimming

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. This rarely ever happens to me as I normally pride myself on being an excellent sleeper. But for some reason I woke up around 3:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I decided to grab my phone and look at Instagram. I just recently started following a girl who announced her pregnancy in May after struggling with infertility for 10 years to the exact month. I started to stalk her photos (like all good nosy girls do) and came across a picture where she shared that she also lost her best friend to cancer 2 years ago. You can find her blog here. I was (and still am) so intrigued by her story of pain that I found her blog and started reading... and reading some more and then sobbing. This woman's faith was so raw and honest and vulnerable that I couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop thinking about how I desperately want faith like that. But... it hadn't even been 3 seconds before I changed my mind--because faith like that almost always comes from a place of pain and loss and surrender. And I fear those things like something fierce. And when I can't sleep and I start to fear things? I know it's time to write.

I just finished my 10th week of swim lessons last night. 10 weeks down and ONE to go. It's insane to think that I am finally about to cross the finish line of such a crazy busy season in my life. I can remember thinking in April that I would NEVER get here and yet here we are. Teaching swim lessons this summer has taught me a lot about myself and about how I walk with Jesus. I am learning more about Jesus as a Teacher than ever before as I try to guide my little kiddos through their fear of swimming.

It wasn't until about week 5 when it hit me. I had started implementing a couple of sayings that were really helping my kids calm down and helping me gain and keep control over my classes. Everyday for 10 weeks I have been saying to my kids like a broken record:

"It's okay to be scared but I need you to trust me. Nothing bad will happen when you're in the water with Mrs. Madison because I will keep you safe." 

"I don't want you to say that you can't... you just need to say that you'll try." 

"You can cry but you're still going to have to listen and obey. Crying doesn't make you not have to go under water-- it just makes lessons harder so try to take a deep breath." 

"It's okay to not want to but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do." 

"Learning how to swim is really important and once we learn it becomes really fun too." 

"Yay! Way to go--you did it. I am really proud of you. It's hard to do things that we are scared of but you did it. You're so brave!!!" 

Five weeks in of saying these things over and over and over again until it finally hit me-- God is trying to be my Teacher. He is trying to gently tell me to trust Him. He wants me to know that He is in control and that I am safe. It hit me like a ton of bricks--even if I kick and scream and pitch a fit His plan will come forth. My screaming and crying WILL NOT HELP ME GET WHAT I WANT.

I spend so much time worrying about my future every single day. I fear change. I fear being un-known. I fear being mis-understood. I fear that some of my dreams will never come true. I fear that I'm not fulfilling God's plan in my life and I fear so many other things too. It's honestly exhausting how much I let fear "control" my life. I want to have faith like the people I read about in the bible and even the people I read about in blogs at 4am. I want to have faith that drives out fear. And in order for me to get there? I have to trust my Teacher.

I don't know what my future will hold. I don't know how pain will come into my life or what dreams will go unfulfilled. At this point all I know is that I can cry and scream and wish it away OR I can take a deep breath, trust my teacher and learn to swim. Plus, one time someone told me that swimming ends up being pretty fun in the end anyway.

On Being Messy

I've been thinking a lot about why I haven't been consistent with blogging lately. I love writing and I am always a better human when I sit down and take time to process-- and yet I have done so little of it. I know that writing breathes life and truth into me but I still don't make time for it. The more I think about it the more I realize that I am hesitant to write because...

I'm a mess. 

I want to write about things I've learned and how I've come out of hard times a stronger and wiser person. I find myself wanting to write about things of the past--but what's a girl to do when the past is still the present? I've been telling myself for over 700 days now that SOON I'll be able to write about this past season of struggle... but the past part just isn't coming.

I'm realizing that life is really tricky. In the past 2 years I've had so much good happen in my life. But I've also had these changes and "little traumas" that have caused me so much pain. Pain that I feel like I should already be healed of but the reality is that I'm just not there yet. I've made progress but I'm still hurt and wounded and upset. And that's okay. I also think it's okay to write when you know that you don't have it all together (as if anyone ever has it all together).

Maybe my vulnerability will spur someone else on to know that it's okay to be a mess today. It's okay to feel really big and deep things that other people don't understand. It's okay to fall apart every other day for two years-- it just really is okay. The only thing that isn't okay is to throw yourself a pity party and then to get really comfortable there. I fail more often than I'd like to admit but if there is anything I have learned in this season of life is that perspective changes everything.

If I focus on myself and all the things that are going wrong or spinning out of control then I start to feel terrible for myself and lose sight of all the important things in life--not to mention I also start to be a total BIA to my poor husband.

I've found though that if I focus on the Gospel then everything seems to fall back into place. Not necessarily the place that I wanted it to go--but a place none the less. When I focus on the Gospel I leave that stupid pity party and start to see the needs of other people around me. I start to see that other people are struggling too. I start to calm down. I start being able to breathe again.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm struggling and don't know when it's going to stop. I often feel like a failure and I am often forgetting who I am and what my purpose is in this short earthly life. I'm trying to change my perspective daily because it helps and I'm trying to show myself some grace--because that helps too. 

I'm also trying to ask for help even though it's really hard. Despite my fear and insecurity that people might decide to leave me--I'm trying to let them into my mess because I know that it's good and healthy. More times than not I don't give my friends great opportunities to enter into the messier moments of my life out of the prideful desire to be perceived as something that I'm not. This is a shame because when I let people in it doesn't just help me--it can help them too. Vulnerability spurs on vulnerability and that's a beautiful thing.

So it turns out that my life isn't smooth sailing right now... and it's okay. Because messy is real and messy is beautiful and messy is pretty much everyone around us. Let's all take a good long deep breath today and let people into our mess.

I think it's going to help. 

Bye, Waco. & thank you.

*disclaimer: this is a post i wrote back in June 2014 but never posted--i loved reading it tonight and thought i would share it with y'all! 


On a Tuesday in June I did something that I wasn't prepared to do... I told Waco bye. After deferring grad school and deciding to stay in Tyler I came to the realization that on May 17th I left Waco with every intention of going back to live there in the Fall. Now, I knew that wasn't going to happen and I began to realize that I may not ever live in Waco again. So (obviously)  I needed to drive back down to give such a special place the proper goodbye that it deserved.

Hence, on Tuesday I had to tell Waco bye. I drove around to all of my favorite places with my journal in one hand and a pen in the other and did the only thing I could think to do. I wrote. I thought about all of the things that I learned and experienced at that specific place and I wrote. My hand wasn't able to keep up with my mind but it sure did try and I am trusting that God knew just what needed to be written down so that I can always look back and remember. Here's a little glimpse into what that day looked like...

FIRST STOP: 3344 S. 3RD STREET. #14 

" i'm sitting on the back door steps of my waco house that isn't my house anymore. it seems cruel that i can't call this place home any longer. 3 years here. 5 different roommates. a million lessons learned and re-learned. meals cooked but mostly just pizza ordered(thanks papa john... what a guy). so many books read and music played. it was inside on the stairs where i got my most un-wanted phone call of college and it was also here at the kitchen table that jon asked me on our first date. 3 falls, springs, winters and 1 summer. 6 weeks sharing a room with emma and thousands of clothes shared amongst everyone. 3 formals, salados, crushes, and take-a-dates. i cried plenty and laughed more. i learned more about Gods character sitting on the floor of my room or on the balcony in my hammock than any other place in waco. i succeeded and failed with confrontation, community, living life on life right here within these walls. my desire for discipleship and vulnerability was strengthened by this place and the people that filled it. thanks, aspen #14.#aspenhottiez " 

SECOND STOP: HARRIS CREEK BAPTIST CHURCH 

" now im sitting outside of harris creek... the church i called home for 4 years. i came here on my first sunday in waco, back in august 2010, and i never left. here i was a part of 3 different lifegroups and got to lead two of them. i learned more about leading, following, and discipleship here than i ever knew before. i found new relationships here and strengthened old ones. within these walls i was challenged to know Jesus better and deeper and to know myself in a new and better way. i questioned God and His goodness in this building a lot during the fall of 2011 and then was over-whelmed by His goodness in this building so many times after that. through the teachers here i gained a deeper thirst for scripture and a deep appreciation for the psalms. i worshiped here and learned that worship isn't just a sunday morning thing-- but a lifestyle. i spent gallons of gas driving out here every week...like a lot of gas. i learned more about grace, redemption, community, and Jesus. and maybe most importantly, it was here that i first learned of the covenant type friendship (shouts out Lyd) and i've been pursuing just that ever since. I'd say it was worth the gas. " 

THIRD STOP: STACY RIDDLE-- #PANNY4EVER

"now im sitting outside of the panhellenic building. i remember opening up my bid card like it was yesterday and reading "chi omega" as i screamed and squealed like all good sorority girls do. i rushed over to the chi-o room to meet all my new "sisters" and even though i was happy and full of anticipation i was also beyond scared. i remember looking around and feeling like i was in middle school again--all these girls are prettier than me, cooler than me, and the list goes on. that's all my 19 year old self could think about those first 6 weeks of being a chi-omega. if i had only known then what i know now. the girls that filled that room every monday night at 5:30 sharp changed me for the better. they taught me how to not take myself so seriously, laugh until we cry (lizard land), be vulnerable and real, to love Jesus fully and deeply and so much more. chi omega really was one of Baylor's best gifts to me." 

FOURTH STOP: LAKE WACO

"now im sitting at me and jon's favorite spot on lake waco. i love this spot so much because of what it has meant to not just jon and i but also to whitney (jons sister). whit told jon about this abandoned lot on lake waco when he was a freshman at baylor in 2009... she said it was a spot where she went to spend time with Jesus and that he should go too. jon started going to the spot sometimes on his own and decided he would never take anyone there unless he knew that person was important. i'll never forget jon telling me that story last fall when he brought me here for the first time. we had just started dating and i was anxious and reserved. i was guarding my heart a little too much out of fear and i will never forget sitting right here and listening to jon tell me that whatever i was feeling was ok--that he wasn't going to be scared off by my anxiety and that he cared about me. that was the moment when my walls started coming down and i thought "i think i actually might like jon lasse". since that day we've come here many times and each time i feel such a peace--just thankful that God would give us our own little spot on the lake." 

(little did i know then that jon would propose to me in that same spot just 2 months later!!!!) 

LAST STOP: 313 CRESCENT 

"i'm back at rach and jordans and yet i know that i need to write about this house too because it holds such a special place in my heart. this is the house where i got to nanny norah rose for the first year of her life... where i got to come over at 1am and spend the night with norah so r+j could rush to the hospital to have ruby girl. the house where i knew no matter what was going on in my life that THIS was my safe place--my place where i was completely known and completely loved. rach has always been a safe place for me and i sit here crying just thinking about how good God was to me in letting us live life so closely together again in Waco. this was the house i came to right after jon asked me out and i was a complete mess. how many times have i cried in this place? who knows but a lot... just ask jordan. this is the house that holds the cutest kids in the world and some of my hardest and best moments in all of college. not many people get to have a 313 crescent and i'm so thankful that i did. the barkers are at the top of the list for the things i'll miss most about Waco." 


- from my journal in June 2014. 


i'm not sure why i never posted this post but when i came across it today i knew that i wanted to share it! it was such a good reminder to me of all that Waco, Tx and the people that fill it taught me during college. i am thankful for that season of my life. I'm looking forward to being able to write more Ebeneezers in the future about my current and future seasons in life. Because sometimes it's just good to remember. 



REMEMBER...Lest I forget all He has done. 

Dear March 23rd

Dear March 23rd,

I guess I always knew that you would eventually be here. I knew that time would keep moving and that one day I would wake up and it would be the day I was supposed to have a baby but actually the day that I go to work and just do really normal things. I guess I knew that you would come and go and I guess I knew that you would make me feel something I just didn't know what the something(s) would be until you actually got close to showing up.

You make me feel anxious because I feel so.many.things. but which ones are "okay" to feel? You make me feel confused and a little bit lonely. You make me feel sad because of what was going to be but isn't anymore. You make me feel guilty because a little bit of me is relieved that I'm not having a baby today. But how can you make me feel sad, angry, lonely AND relieved all at once? Your ability to make me feel all of these things at one time is why you also have the ability to make me feel incredibly anxious.You make me feel like whatever I am doing today or feeling today is somehow wrong. That someone else would be doing/feeling differently... and they probably would be. But they aren't me and their story isn't mine. If I'm honest with you, you make me feel overwhelmed in so many ways. You remind me of how scared I felt when I was pregnant and how scared I feel now when I fear never being pregnant again. You make me fear things that I don't have control over--things that may or may not ever happen.

I know all of this isn't your fault... me and you have always been on pretty good terms before and honestly, I know we can be on good terms again. I just have to spend some time processing what you now represent for me. You once were just a day like all the rest and now you're something so much more.

You represent death but also life. You represent loss but also gain. I lost a baby but I gained more knowledge of God's goodness and faithfulness. I lost "control" over my life but God taught me that I never wanted to be the one in control anyway. I lost something good but was reminded that He is better.  I learned that God is near to the broken-hearted and His nearness is everything.   You reminded me of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego... how they desperately wanted God to save them from the fiery furnace BUT EVEN IF HE DIDN'T (cue Shane and Shane) they would still praise Him. Oh, how I want faith like that.

You helped me  remember and learn all of that and so in a lot of ways, you March 23rd aren't so bad at all. And that's what I have to remind myself of today.

Although there is pain, there is good too. And I guess a lot of days are like that. I'm trying to learn that it's okay to just be. To just feel exactly as I do knowing that God in all His goodness and grace accepts me fully. Even if I feel the "wrong" thing.

He loves me and wants good things for me. And that's the best reminder in all the land. 

So, to you March 23rd, I guess I need to say:

thank you. 

and I'll see you in 364 days. 

I won't be so scared next time. 

light. and the people who change you forever.

When I was a Junior in high school my best friend Emma and I went to McAlisters Deli to "catch-up" one afternoon. God nudged me that day as a 17 year old to talk to Emma about the sin in my life that I hadn't ever shared with anyone before. I was literally shaking because I couldn't figure out why God wanted me to talk to her about this and I definitely didn't want to. I finally told her that I felt like God wanted me to tell her something but I refused to talk about it in public so we needed to go to the car... when I finally got the nerve to tell her she just started to cry and said... "me too". In that moment I knew what C.S. Lewis meant when he said:

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." 

I felt freedom in knowing that I wasn't alone and I felt even more freedom in knowing that someone finally knew my "secret" and wasn't giving up on me. We left that day with a new commitment to one another... we would start TALKING to each-other about our sin and we would encourage each other to run from darkness and walk in the Light. I believe this was the start of my passion for honesty and vulnerability in friendship. For me, knowing that someone knew me fully and still loved me was so powerful and the one thing that pointed me to Jesus more than anything else.

Today in church, our pastor preached about living in darkness vs. living in the Light and I couldn't stop thinking about that day at McAlisters. That day forged the way for me to live many years of vulnerability with people knowing full well that this would push me to live like Jesus, which would result in me walking in Light. But if I'm honest with you, I've lost so much of that zeal and passion for vulnerability and it wasn't really until this morning that I realized... I'm walking in darkness. And the result of this darkness has been and honestly still is:

fear. exhaustion. anxiety. insecurity. panic attacks. loneliness. uncertainty. guilt.  

I feel like it's been hard to breathe for almost 2 years now. What once was a certainty that God had given me a GIFT of vulnerability has since been crushed and destroyed by letting humans decide who I am. Over the past two years I have felt the most pain I've ever felt in my short lifetime from people who I thought were "my people". These individuals who I thought of as some of my closest confidants simply deciding that my friendship wasn't worth it anymore. Then there were some other people who thought my blog wasn't good... they thought some of my posts were "too honest" and "out of line". I was simply "too emotional or too much". These things crippled me and at times I thought the lack of these individuals approval was going to destroy me. I (obviously) had/have a serious issue with seeking HUMAN approval which has since become a glaring sin in my life. I let these people's thought of me completely change my view of myself. Instead of seeing my sensitivity, vulnerability, and passion as a gift from God they became the things that I wanted to curse. Dramatic?Probably. But absolutely the truth about what happened. 

Over the past couple of months God has slowly been showing me how to find healing from the various events of the past two years. I am slowing (and I do mean slowly) realizing that my identity just isn't found in humans and how much they like me or dislike me. I've always known this but I haven't let this truth sink in. I haven't let the truth of Gospel change everything and the result of not doing this is... darkness. I have had so much anxiety and fear over the things that I can't control in my life... so much so that when I go back and read through some of my old blog posts I don't even recognize myself. I think "did I really believe those things? Did I have that much trust in who Jesus is?" The darkness has changed me but the Light is beckoning me to come back... back to the place of surrender and peace and joy. 

You see, when I think about the Gospel I'm no longer mad at the people who have hurt me so deeply in this fallen world. When I think about the Gospel I simply CAN'T be mad. When I think about the Gospel I feel so much freedom to forgive and let go. When I think about the Gospel I feel like reconciliation can actually happen and even more importantly than that, I think about how even if reconciliation DOESN'T happen that I'll be okay. When I think about the Gospel I think about how I can view all people as God's children who are so deeply loved and cherished by Him. No matter how much people hurt me--God is still FOR them. No matter how much I hurt people, God is still FOR me. People will and have failed me but at the same time I will and certainly have failed people. Darkness is why. The darkness that sinful people (like myself) bring into this world is why we all suck so much. It's why we hurt people and why people hurt us. And it's okay to admit that we've all failed a whole lot in this thing called life. This morning at church, our pastor said this:

Spiritual darkness is turning away from God and turning to someone or something besides Him as the center of our lives. Spiritual darkness happens when we chase after something or someone that we believe is better than Jesus. 

Over the past 2 years I've spent a whole lot of time chasing the silliest things. I've been avoiding writing for the most part solely out of fear that I'll post something that will make other people think I'm really not that great (lol). I've been avoiding vulnerability with new friends and old friends alike because what if when they see the parts of me that suck they'll decide to leave me? What if they decide that I'm not worth it anymore? And the conclusions I'm coming down to is this: I'm really not that great and any good in me is Jesus anyway, so if someone doesn't like my blog (or me for that matter) than it's okay. Not everyone will like me and that doesn't have to change anything at all. And if I let people in but then they decide to go, than that's okay too. Relationships, even my marriage, just can't define me if I want to live in the Light. They can surely help point me to the Light but they can't define me. What if we stopped letting humans who are sinful give us identity? What if we delighted in the gifts that God has given us and used them for His glory--even if other people mock us or disagree? What if we went to God's living word to find our direction, confidence, and security? What IF, people?! Light would surely shine through. Jesus took on our complete darkness so that we can live in the LIGHT. God gave His absolute BEST (His Son) and His best is completely sufficient. We are not sufficient-- but the Gospel is and the Gospel is ours.

These are things I'm going to strive to do everyday. To live in the Light-- and to invite others, through vulnerability, to do the same. Because some days are going to be like that day at McAlisters-- when you realize that you really can be fully known and fully loved.  That no matter how many times you fail, that person isn't going anywhere. And those days? They change you forever.