On Swimming

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. This rarely ever happens to me as I normally pride myself on being an excellent sleeper. But for some reason I woke up around 3:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I decided to grab my phone and look at Instagram. I just recently started following a girl who announced her pregnancy in May after struggling with infertility for 10 years to the exact month. I started to stalk her photos (like all good nosy girls do) and came across a picture where she shared that she also lost her best friend to cancer 2 years ago. You can find her blog here. I was (and still am) so intrigued by her story of pain that I found her blog and started reading... and reading some more and then sobbing. This woman's faith was so raw and honest and vulnerable that I couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop thinking about how I desperately want faith like that. But... it hadn't even been 3 seconds before I changed my mind--because faith like that almost always comes from a place of pain and loss and surrender. And I fear those things like something fierce. And when I can't sleep and I start to fear things? I know it's time to write.

I just finished my 10th week of swim lessons last night. 10 weeks down and ONE to go. It's insane to think that I am finally about to cross the finish line of such a crazy busy season in my life. I can remember thinking in April that I would NEVER get here and yet here we are. Teaching swim lessons this summer has taught me a lot about myself and about how I walk with Jesus. I am learning more about Jesus as a Teacher than ever before as I try to guide my little kiddos through their fear of swimming.

It wasn't until about week 5 when it hit me. I had started implementing a couple of sayings that were really helping my kids calm down and helping me gain and keep control over my classes. Everyday for 10 weeks I have been saying to my kids like a broken record:

"It's okay to be scared but I need you to trust me. Nothing bad will happen when you're in the water with Mrs. Madison because I will keep you safe." 

"I don't want you to say that you can't... you just need to say that you'll try." 

"You can cry but you're still going to have to listen and obey. Crying doesn't make you not have to go under water-- it just makes lessons harder so try to take a deep breath." 

"It's okay to not want to but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do." 

"Learning how to swim is really important and once we learn it becomes really fun too." 

"Yay! Way to go--you did it. I am really proud of you. It's hard to do things that we are scared of but you did it. You're so brave!!!" 

Five weeks in of saying these things over and over and over again until it finally hit me-- God is trying to be my Teacher. He is trying to gently tell me to trust Him. He wants me to know that He is in control and that I am safe. It hit me like a ton of bricks--even if I kick and scream and pitch a fit His plan will come forth. My screaming and crying WILL NOT HELP ME GET WHAT I WANT.

I spend so much time worrying about my future every single day. I fear change. I fear being un-known. I fear being mis-understood. I fear that some of my dreams will never come true. I fear that I'm not fulfilling God's plan in my life and I fear so many other things too. It's honestly exhausting how much I let fear "control" my life. I want to have faith like the people I read about in the bible and even the people I read about in blogs at 4am. I want to have faith that drives out fear. And in order for me to get there? I have to trust my Teacher.

I don't know what my future will hold. I don't know how pain will come into my life or what dreams will go unfulfilled. At this point all I know is that I can cry and scream and wish it away OR I can take a deep breath, trust my teacher and learn to swim. Plus, one time someone told me that swimming ends up being pretty fun in the end anyway.