The Gift of Singleness #1: Singleness... A Gift???

Sixth grade is the earliest memory I have of wanting a boyfriend. I was at Jan-Kay Ranch for my church's annual summer camp and I can vividly remember a boy telling me that he liked my best friend.  My immediate response as an 11 year old girl was jealousy. Why her and not me? I decided from that day on that if rejection from a boy felt like this then acceptance from a boy must be the greatest feeling in the world. That was the beginning of me deciding that it was time to chase a new role... the role of girlfriend. 

Fast forward 7 years and I find myself having managed to make it through both middle school and high school having never been asked out on a single date. Not even to a school dance. This "rejection" was something that I was allowing to define me and speak insecurity into me-- though I would have never admitted it then. 

As an 18 year old girl who prided herself in being the "good girl" with "good advice"  I would have never admitted that I spent all of high school searching for approval and attention from guys. I would have never admitted that I truly believed I wouldn't be completely happy and satisfied until I found someone who thought of me as worthy to pursue and marry. 

The summer after high school while doing a discipleship program I finally came to the realization that while it might look on the outside like I have no issues with boy relationships (because there weren't any) that I actually did indeed have big things to work through when it came to this area of my life. Because while there weren't any boys, I was an 18 year old girl about to enter college and the idea of

marriage was my biggest idol. 

I sat outside behind the kitchen at camp next to two dumpsters as I cried and confessed to this Jesus that I had said ruled my life that if marriage wasn't in His plan for me then I was afraid that I didn't want Him. I wanted marriage that badly and it scared me more than anything ever had before. 

Right after the program and right before I was about to leave for Waco someone told me, "Madison, why does singleness have to be a bad thing? Singleness is a gift, just as marriage is." I let those words resonate with me and I decided that I did desperately want to live life like I believed that statement with all of my being. I decided that I was tired of letting my fear of being single for my entire life control me. I was tired of letting my fear of rejection from a human decide whether or not I was going to live a full and abundant life. I decided that I wasn't going to go into college looking for a husband. I was going to lay my desire for an earthly husband at the feet of Jesus and leave it there for good. 

I did surrender marriage to Jesus, however if I am being honest a big part of me thought that since I finally surrendered this idol to Jesus that He would then "meet me halfway" and take my longing, my wanting, and my desires for this idol away. I also thought that while I could recognize that singleness was the obvious path the Lord had put me on and I was willing to walk it-- that it wasn't at all going to be fun or satisfying. 

I was wrong about all of the above. 

” ‘The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.’ Psalm 84:11

‘Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.’ Psalm 16:5

God didn't take my desires for a husband away and He still hasn't. I am thankful for this now because I can see that it was through me longing desperately for something good and not getting it, that it taught me to long for something better that I already had. 

Elisabeth Elliot says this on the topic: 

“If you are single today, the portion assigned to you for today is singleness. It is God’s gift. Singleness ought not to be viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right, God in His wisdom and love grants either as a gift. What may be your portion tomorrow is not your business today. Today’s business is trust in the living God who precisely measures out, day by day, each one’s portion."

Marriage is not my birthright... it is a gift that my good Shepherd will decide to give or withhold. 

It was only when I started to study God's character, His goodness, and His love for me that I started to believe with everything in me that He was an involved God who gave me singleness and it was in fact a gift. If I was to go chase a relationship whenever He has clearly given me singleness for today then a relationship would be worse for me than singleness. Since He has called me to singleness today-- it is the very best thing for me today. As the psalmist said, He isn't withholding good from me. 

It was only when I started to view singleness as a gift that I was able to accept it and even enjoy it.

When I accept the gifts that He graciously gives to me and when I intentionally seek His will over my own then the question changes from will I or will I not get to enjoy marriage one day to... 

Will I love Him, will I trust Him, and will I praise Him? 

When I am focused on doing these things then no matter what, my life is a grand adventure full of purpose and joy regardless of my martial status. 

Praise God for abundant life. It's a gift and it's good. 

More to come! 

The Gift of Singleness

I've never done a series on this blog before but after prayerfully considering this specific series idea that I have been wanting to do-- I decided yesterday that I would start it today! The title for the series is going to be... (drum-roll)

the gift of singleness. 

I am in the middle of my 21st year of singleness but since i wasn't allowed to date until i was sixteen, i guess it's only fair to say that i am really only in my 5th year. However, you get the point right? I have spent my entire life single and while I will be the first to admit that I am still very young and most likely won't spend my entire life single it is still to this day...

the most used tool that God has used to shape and refine me. 

There is nothing else that my Savior has used more to teach, break, re-build, sanctify, and mold me than the gift of singleness. 

Before this series gets rolling there are a few important things that I need you to know if you are interested in journeying through this series with me!

1. The topics in this series will be both hard and vulnerable. I will be sharing how God used tough situations and my failures to reveal more of Himself and His will to me. I will be as honest as I can be in how I often manipulated situation to try and get what i wanted and how God protected me regardless. I will do this in the hopes that you might be able to relate in some way and because of that, be reminded of God's goodness and glory.

2. I recognize that there are a lot of people out there who have been single longer than I have and who are more experienced and more wise on this topic! Please know that I am not trying to say that this is the only way to receive singleness. Rather, I just want to share my story with you and the things that God has taught me along the way.

3. Lastly, it is important to me that you all know that though this series is titled "the gift of singleness" that it has taken me a very long time to consider singleness a gift and I still struggle on a lot of days of wanting to refuse the gift all together. I often find myself telling God, "This isn't the gift I wanted" or "Ok, thank you Lord for singleness because now I can see how dramatically you have used it in my life buuuutttt, I'm good now. I'm ready for another gift. And can it be exactly the way I want it?" I say this so you know that I mean it when I say singleness is a gift... but it wasn't easy getting there and I still have to remind myself daily that it is the very best thing for me in this moment.

So whether you find yourself married, widowed, divorced, engaged, dating, or single I invite you to journey along with me as I process through my particular journey thus far because even if you don't find yourself where I am you still might find how some of these things can relate to where you are right now. After all, no matter what our marriage status is, if we call ourselves believers in Christ than we all have the very same purpose and goal. 

Some of the topics that we will be covering will include: 

- why singleness is a gift 
- what to do with loneliness 
- does God really want everything? 
- the pain of rejection 
- what to do when others are receiving the gifts you want and you are receiving something different. 
- feeling un-seen, un-wanted, and un-desirable 
- how to be content in the waiting period... no matter how long that might be! 
- and how to not waste your singleness! 

Feel free to message me if you have any other ideas of topics that you would like for me to dig into. I will be intentional in being open and honest as well as digging into scripture to find answers and guidance! 

so, whether I am single for 10 more days or 10 more years I invite you into my story of how God has used the desire of wanting a relationship to wreck my world and to show me how very good the gift of singleness is but more importantly how very good He is. 

"I Finally Found Where I Belong" ... Camp&Contentment

I've had more free time on my hands lately than I have maybe ever had. I go to class in the mornings, and then I come home with practically no agenda for the rest of the day. I don't have a scheduled lunch with someone different every day, I don't have something to do for or with Chi-O at night, no lifegroup meetings or meetings to plan lifegroup, I don't have Social Work meetings, I don't have to babysit, I have very little homework... you get the picture. 

I don't think I realized how busy I am during the school year until I put myself in Waco when it's not the school year. All of a sudden I am in a physical place that I am very familiar with and yet everything is going at a much, much slower pace and it's making it seem not so familiar. I am wondering where all the people went and why they didn't warn me that I was going to have to start looking for new lunch and sonic dates... I mean come on help a girl out. 

Anyway, all of this free time has led me to a lot of reading, journaling, praying, and processing. These things are such a gift and something I am grateful the Lord saw fit to give to me this summer--regardless of whether or not I wanted it, I am realizing that I desperately need it. Today the processing continued as I started to think about my past summers and how they were spent which led me to this conclusion: 

I miss camp. 

The past 3 summers I have spent my time at Pine Cove Christian Camps in Tyler, Texas and they have easily been some of the best times of my life. It was clear that God had other plans for me this summer and was not opening the door for me to be back in this summer "home" that I have grown to know and love. However, today He did give me the gift of t i m e and I chose to use some of it reading through my journals that I kept during my 3 summers at camp. 

My first ever journal entry that was written on Pine Cove grounds came on May 30th, 2010 which was my first full day of Baby Ruths. This is what I wrote: 

"Wow. My feet already hurt so badly and it's only day ONE. So far the only thing that has been what I expected is the cleaning. I thought we would clean and we do-- a lot! But what is so very different is the way that we are being taught to worship. I thought we would be having intense bible studies and such but we aren't and I don't know if we even will. So, it's already becoming apparent to me that we are being taught to worship through our service which is really cool although I don't think I've ever actually done it. I know this is going to be hard on me because it already is. I am already tired... already! I miss home already too-- the familiarity of it all. This place is not familiar. It seems foreign and I don't feel like I belong. Lord, show me that you want me here and hold me tight." 

I couldn't help but laugh and cry as I read the words I wrote 3 years ago. I had no clue why God had brought me to a place that seemed so foreign to me and I didn't like it one bit. I laughed because I would continue to write for the next 3 summers that my feet hurt on day one of camp because they always did and I cried because I was and continue to be overwhelmed by my sweet Jesus's sovereignty and faithfulness in bringing my scared 18 year old self to Pine Cove that May day-- because it changed my life forever. 

My first summer broke me in all the ways that I didn't want to be broken in. I learned that I didn't have control and that I didn't need to. Submission is a good thing and something that started to change my heart forever. The Lord used summer 2010 to show me sin in my life that made me want to throw up and then He led me to a realization that I didn't even begin to know the kind of love and grace that He, the God I always thought I had known was offering to me. I learned that you can't help who you fall in love with but only who you hang out with--so I should choose that wisely. I learned that my actions never define my identity and I really believed for the first time sitting on the floor of the Kavarratti at the Shores, that I was Madison Humphries a daughter of THE King and that He was and is well pleased with me. 

My second summer God revealed to me a lot of lies that I was believing about myself and about His character. I learned in big ways that title, attention, and recognition do not define a person and I shouldn't let them define me. I learned that we aren't often called to great sacrifice but that we daily get the opportunity to make small ones and that those can change someone's life--even your own. I learned that folding shirts the right way is important because it's what I was asked to do. I learned that I am constantly in a battle against my flesh and that through Jesus's strength I need to put up the best fight I can to choose the Spirit. I learned that the idea of marriage had become an i d o l in my life and I laid it at the altar of Jesus for the first time in my life however certainly not the last... 

My third and final summer was probably the best. Every summer was needed, and the Lord used this final summer to teach me sweet lessons in sweet ways. I learned that God is not a dour God who discourages pleasure and He gave me unspeakable j o y. He graciously gave me the gift of community with girls who loved me in a way that I didn't even know I needed. He didn't give me what I thought I wanted but I finally allowed myself to accept the gift of Himself which is exactly what I needed and what I really wanted the whole time anyway. I learned to relax in the presence of Jesus and found security, confidence and joy in who He was creating me to be! 

If you can believe it or not, the list of things that I learned during my 3 summers at camp is even much much longer than that. 

As I sit here in Waco processing through my past 3 summers I am certainly missing camp, but I am also  content with not being there. As you read earlier, my first summer spent at camp I felt like a foreigner. I spent my days longing for the home that I knew, for the community that I knew and for the attention and love that I knew. When those things were stripped away from me I instantly became insecure and wanted to rewind and go back to what I knew would make me feel comfortable. 

I can't thank the Lord enough for not letting me rewind, for not letting me quit, and most of all for not giving me immediate gratification. He had something so so so much better than immediate gratification and it came in the form of longing, waiting, and walking through the fire of sanctification which isn't always easy but is always good. 

My first camp summer was hard but all of my camp summers combined changed my life forever. Because of camp I now know the importance of discipleship, I know myself better, I know the Gospel better, and I know better than to wish I was anywhere else than right here, right now, right where God wants me to be. 

If God was faithful then why would I doubt that He isn't being faithful now? He is the same God here in Waco, Texas on my porch as He is on the porch of the Grand Mesa in good ole' East Texas. 

So, heres to camp and all the incredible ways the Lord uses it to change peoples lives like mine, and heres to Waco in the summer-- right where He wants me to be. 

It's in His presence that I finally found where I belong. 

Will over Want...

I'm a feeler, if that makes sense. Sure, we all feel things but I really feel them. If something good happens I feel it deeply and if something bad happens I feel that deeply, too. This, like a lot of things, has both it's advantages and disadvantages. It's good for when you are wanting to show people that you truly care about them and it's bad whenever you're crying in the middle of Barnes and Noble because you just read the back cover of a Christian fiction novel... what, that doesn't happen to you? 

Anyway, you get the point. 

I have been learning a lot lately about how my tendency to feel things in such a deep way effects my walk and journey with Jesus. While it can be something that I choose to use for good, it more times than not has become a tool that I use for bad. If I am not careful my deep feelings or my deep desires become so overwhelming that I cannot see past myself... I can't see past what I want, when I want it, how I want it, and why in the world am I not getting what I want?! I have desires, passions, and dreams that I so often forget to surrender to my perfect Heavenly Father. 

This past semester I found myself caught up in a more than a little bit disgusting cycle of seeing what I want, seeing that I wasn't getting it, seeing that someone else was, and then throwing myself a pity party and demanding that God would either: 

1. Give me what I wanted

2. Take away my desire for such thing; or  

3. Explain to me why I wasn't getting it and why (whoever it was that week) was getting it. 

By the end of the semester I started getting extremely tired of simply wanting. I didn't want to want anymore. I just wanted Jesus. 

That was the answer to my problem(s). 

Yes, I desire earthly things. Many of these things aren't bad things to want BUT, I am not the author of my life and I don't get to decide when or even what gets to fill the pages of the book that is "my" life. 

Over the past month I have come to realize that there comes a point when I have to yield my wanting... and that is hard for this "feeler, adventurer, and dreamer" kind of gal. 

Elisabeth Elliot puts it way more eloquently than I ever could when she says; 

"A life lived in God is not lived on the plane of feelings, but of the will. In Scripture the heart is the will-- it is the man himself, the spring of all action, the ruling power bestowed on him by his Creator, capable of choosing and acting." 

Yes, we all have desires and wants. Trust me, I am a wanter. However I am a follower of Jesus before anything else and that requires faith which can be better defined by saying "complete trust". 

I have a perfect Father who I get to choose to trust. I have a Shepherd who I get to choose to believe is watching over me and guiding me down the path of righteousness for His namesake. I have a Savior who came to save me from the things I think that I "want". He came to save me from my lesser loves, and I, this little college girl get the grandest opportunity to choose Him. To choose life. To will myself to do His will, despite all wanting. 

I recognize that these wants and these emotions might always remain but I also recognize that they are not to rule the action. They have no authority. 

So, here's to a summer of learning more about what He wills and less about what I want. 

By the grace of God, we can will to do His will. Forget the past. Press toward the goal. 

"Your debt has been paid. Go daughters and sons, and sin no more."