I've had more free time on my hands lately than I have maybe ever had. I go to class in the mornings, and then I come home with practically no agenda for the rest of the day. I don't have a scheduled lunch with someone different every day, I don't have something to do for or with Chi-O at night, no lifegroup meetings or meetings to plan lifegroup, I don't have Social Work meetings, I don't have to babysit, I have very little homework... you get the picture.
I don't think I realized how busy I am during the school year until I put myself in Waco when it's not the school year. All of a sudden I am in a physical place that I am very familiar with and yet everything is going at a much, much slower pace and it's making it seem not so familiar. I am wondering where all the people went and why they didn't warn me that I was going to have to start looking for new lunch and sonic dates... I mean come on help a girl out.
Anyway, all of this free time has led me to a lot of reading, journaling, praying, and processing. These things are such a gift and something I am grateful the Lord saw fit to give to me this summer--regardless of whether or not I wanted it, I am realizing that I desperately need it. Today the processing continued as I started to think about my past summers and how they were spent which led me to this conclusion:
I miss camp.
The past 3 summers I have spent my time at Pine Cove Christian Camps in Tyler, Texas and they have easily been some of the best times of my life. It was clear that God had other plans for me this summer and was not opening the door for me to be back in this summer "home" that I have grown to know and love. However, today He did give me the gift of t i m e and I chose to use some of it reading through my journals that I kept during my 3 summers at camp.
My first ever journal entry that was written on Pine Cove grounds came on May 30th, 2010 which was my first full day of Baby Ruths. This is what I wrote:
"Wow. My feet already hurt so badly and it's only day ONE. So far the only thing that has been what I expected is the cleaning. I thought we would clean and we do-- a lot! But what is so very different is the way that we are being taught to worship. I thought we would be having intense bible studies and such but we aren't and I don't know if we even will. So, it's already becoming apparent to me that we are being taught to worship through our service which is really cool although I don't think I've ever actually done it. I know this is going to be hard on me because it already is. I am already tired... already! I miss home already too-- the familiarity of it all. This place is not familiar. It seems foreign and I don't feel like I belong. Lord, show me that you want me here and hold me tight."
I couldn't help but laugh and cry as I read the words I wrote 3 years ago. I had no clue why God had brought me to a place that seemed so foreign to me and I didn't like it one bit. I laughed because I would continue to write for the next 3 summers that my feet hurt on day one of camp because they always did and I cried because I was and continue to be overwhelmed by my sweet Jesus's sovereignty and faithfulness in bringing my scared 18 year old self to Pine Cove that May day-- because it changed my life forever.
My first summer broke me in all the ways that I didn't want to be broken in. I learned that I didn't have control and that I didn't need to. Submission is a good thing and something that started to change my heart forever. The Lord used summer 2010 to show me sin in my life that made me want to throw up and then He led me to a realization that I didn't even begin to know the kind of love and grace that He, the God I always thought I had known was offering to me. I learned that you can't help who you fall in love with but only who you hang out with--so I should choose that wisely. I learned that my actions never define my identity and I really believed for the first time sitting on the floor of the Kavarratti at the Shores, that I was Madison Humphries a daughter of THE King and that He was and is well pleased with me.
My second summer God revealed to me a lot of lies that I was believing about myself and about His character. I learned in big ways that title, attention, and recognition do not define a person and I shouldn't let them define me. I learned that we aren't often called to great sacrifice but that we daily get the opportunity to make small ones and that those can change someone's life--even your own. I learned that folding shirts the right way is important because it's what I was asked to do. I learned that I am constantly in a battle against my flesh and that through Jesus's strength I need to put up the best fight I can to choose the Spirit. I learned that the idea of marriage had become an i d o l in my life and I laid it at the altar of Jesus for the first time in my life however certainly not the last...
My third and final summer was probably the best. Every summer was needed, and the Lord used this final summer to teach me sweet lessons in sweet ways. I learned that God is not a dour God who discourages pleasure and He gave me unspeakable j o y. He graciously gave me the gift of community with girls who loved me in a way that I didn't even know I needed. He didn't give me what I thought I wanted but I finally allowed myself to accept the gift of Himself which is exactly what I needed and what I really wanted the whole time anyway. I learned to relax in the presence of Jesus and found security, confidence and joy in who He was creating me to be!
If you can believe it or not, the list of things that I learned during my 3 summers at camp is even much much longer than that.
As I sit here in Waco processing through my past 3 summers I am certainly missing camp, but I am also content with not being there. As you read earlier, my first summer spent at camp I felt like a foreigner. I spent my days longing for the home that I knew, for the community that I knew and for the attention and love that I knew. When those things were stripped away from me I instantly became insecure and wanted to rewind and go back to what I knew would make me feel comfortable.
I can't thank the Lord enough for not letting me rewind, for not letting me quit, and most of all for not giving me immediate gratification. He had something so so so much better than immediate gratification and it came in the form of longing, waiting, and walking through the fire of sanctification which isn't always easy but is always good.
My first camp summer was hard but all of my camp summers combined changed my life forever. Because of camp I now know the importance of discipleship, I know myself better, I know the Gospel better, and I know better than to wish I was anywhere else than right here, right now, right where God wants me to be.
If God was faithful then why would I doubt that He isn't being faithful now? He is the same God here in Waco, Texas on my porch as He is on the porch of the Grand Mesa in good ole' East Texas.
So, heres to camp and all the incredible ways the Lord uses it to change peoples lives like mine, and heres to Waco in the summer-- right where He wants me to be.
It's in His presence that I finally found where I belong.
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