The Gift of Singleness #2: Loneliness

Over the past week I have often wanted to sit down at my computer and start the daunting post on dealing with "loneliness" in the singleness series. Most days I have been too busy to take time out to write and other days when I have had a block of time I would sit down and try to type yet my fingers wouldn't move. I knew that this particular post would be one of my harder ones to write and I am praying that the Lord will speak through me and that I won't write a single word that isn't beneficial. Know this: A big part of me wants to write this and not even mention that loneliness is something that I still struggle with but then I would be lying. So know that this post is for me just as much as it is for you-- maybe more. 

I am one of those girls who started writing in a journal to her future husband at the age of 16. And if no one else does that than I am l i t e r a l l y that girl who started writing in a journal to her husband at age 16. I go through seasons where I like to write in it a lot and then I go through seasons where a whole year has past and I haven't even touched the journal. The year(s) where I don't even touch the journal are normally the seasons where I am convinced that a husband doesn't exist and if I already have to be  the girl who writes to a man she doesn't even know then I definitely don't want to be the girl who writes to a man who doesn't even exist. Today, I opened it and started to read through past entries. 

April 19th, 2012, I wrote this: 

"I am beyond tired of saying that all I want to do with my life is pursue Christ and live out anything He desires for me yet what I am actually doing is wanting to play the role of God myself and manipulate things to be how I want them to be and then wanting God to bless my plans. It's sickening. No, I don't know if you actually exist. Marriage may not be God's best for me and if it isn't then I can boldly say that I don't want it. I know that it's okay to desire marriage but marriage cannot and will not be what I pursue or chase after. So, if you are reading this then I guess that means you did end up existing and I am grateful. Know that you are one of His greatest gifts to me but you're not the best one. I am whole and complete in Christ and He alone is my satisfaction and joy."

As shown in the journal entry above, during that season of life I was finding myself caught up in worldly desires and came to a point where I was "beyond tired" and completely "sick" of myself and my selfish tendencies to choose this world over my Savior. Unfortunately, this is a "season" that I often find myself in. 

I have found that almost every time I am choosing myself and my ways over Christ and His ways it is because I have let myself believe the lie that I am lonely. Being lonely makes me feel un-loved, un-wanted and un-known which are 3 of my biggest fears. I learned a year or two ago that when I am lonely I immediately try to fix it. I seek out anything and anyone who can try and fill this gap and who can reassure me that I am indeed loved, wanted, and known. I began to realize that this "loneliness" was causing me to manipulate situations into becoming what I wanted them to be and I was gripping "my" life with two very clinched fists refusing to open them up. 

I don't think that being lonely is a sin but I do think that what you do with your loneliness matters more than a lot of people think. How you live in the midst of loneliness can result in you either glorifying Christ or could result in you revealing to a broken, fallen and definitely lonely world that your Jesus isn't enough and that He isn't involved, loving, and sovereign. 

This does not mean that we must put on masks and tell people that everything is okay when it isn't just so that the world doesn't think we are lonely. No, not in the least. It means that we go and tell people that we are lonely, why we are lonely and then what we are going to do to walk this path of loneliness in a way that can bring glory to our Heavenly King. 

Consider Israel's wilderness experience found in Deuteronomy 8. While God was offering the Israelites manna (supernatural food) all they were craving is what they had once known satisfied them and what they thought would satisfy them again which was the food that they had in Egypt. If God had given them what they naturally craved then they would have never learned to eat manna which is bread that came down from Heaven and they would have never entered into this new, and better land that the Lord was leading them into. God made the Israelites hungry on purpose in order to find out if they had it in their hearts to obey Him and to trust Him. He did this as a loving Father. "The Lord your God was discipling you as a father disciplines his son" (Deuteronomy 8:5). 

Therefore, it is evident that the Lord disciplines us. He often times, like He did with the Israelites, will allow us to long for something that we cannot have in order to reveal to us what He wants us to have which is always way better anyway. 

So if you are finding yourself on a path of loneliness whether it has to do with singleness or not, take heart that God is still with you, never once forsaking you. 

It's okay to be lonely but it's not okay to dwell in it and to have self-pity. Refuse self-pity absolutely. I have often times  always found that when I refuse self pity I am more able to see Christ's goodness and His hand in my life--even in the little things. 

As you long for things, whatever they may be, don't let it get in the way of your ministry. Join with me  in a challenge where every time you are find yourself lonely or wishing that someone was loving you turn it around and love others. Everyone and anyone. Don't just love those who you want to love you back but be intentional about praying for the Lord to reveal to you who He wants you to show love to. 

My guess is that changing our perspective on this will help change our seasons of loneliness into seasons of purpose, joy, hope and fulfillment.  

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." -Jim Elliot

and as Bob Goff says:  Love God, Love People, Do stuff. 

even if you're lonely.

He is good and He will provide.