Today I Learned A Lot.

Today I moved my little brother into Penland Hall. We unpacked his stuff in about 20 minutes (how?) and then headed to lunch. I watched all day not only my brother and his reaction to this transition and new stage of life but all the other new freshman around campus as well. I saw un-matched excitement met with un-matched nerves. People who looked like they couldn't wait for their parents to leave (my brother) and then two doors down people who looked like they were going to burst into tears the moment their family drove away (me three years ago). Move-in day and all of it's emotion being thrown in my "im a senior i want to cry" face.

Today, I learned a lot.

A lot more then I would have dared thought I would when I hit snooze this morning dreading getting out of bed so early and dreading even more getting anywhere close to 8th street where I knew I wouldn't be able to get around all the traffic. I didn't want to go to a place that I called home knowing that it was flocked with people who didn't know where they were going, even though their shirts kept telling everyone they did.

Today, I spent a majority of my time telling every freshman I saw how jealous I was that they were getting to start at the beginning. Today I went around looking at people who were at the beginning OF the beginning and all I kept thinking was that I'm at the beginning of the end. Not a place I want to be... and a place that gives me anxiety.

Mid-day today I was walking around campus and let myself go back to this day 3 years ago. I realized that I had this exact same feeling of anxiousness 3 years ago, though on a much broader scale. I was the girl who told everyone I was ready for college but deep down wasn't ready to leave everything she knew. I was the girl who cried when her parents left, and then sat in her dorm room for a straight week convinced that Baylor was the worst place in the world. (I am slapping my freshman year self for ever believing such a lie). But I say this because I recognized today that 3 years ago I walked around campus full of anxiety because I didn't want to be here and now I walk around campus full of anxiety because I don't want to leave. 

Today, I learned a lot. 

I thought about what if I had decided that my anxiety was too much to handle. That Jesus wasn't good enough or big enough or just enough to trust and I had decided to run away from Baylor and go home--back to what made me feel good and made me feel known and comfortable... what if that's what I did?

Tears stream down my face as I type this because of God's goodness in keeping me at Baylor. What would be different if I had run away and left?...

Everything. These past 3 years have been the most refining, encouraging, edifying, and BEST years of my life. Baylor and the people that fill this place is e x a c t l y what my terrified 18 year old self needed 3 years ago and praise God that He kept me here. Praise Him that He is good enough to look past my discomfort in the moment so that He can give me so much more than I could have ever dared to dream that I needed, wanted, or desired. What a Father. A sweet, sweet Father. 

So, today I learned a lot. 

I learned that I can't let my anxiety be my driving force because if I do-- I am going to miss out. 

Today, I am thankful that I didn't miss out on everything that Christ has used Baylor to give to me. I didn't miss out on sonic dates, bear-trail runs, Austin trips, bathroom talks, hard classes, professors who show grace, Chi-O functions, conflict, dance parties, meetings, Harris Creek, babysitting, Cameron Park days, refinement, growth, laughs, tears, peace, and unspeakable JOY.

I am thankful that Christ let me suffer for a little while, because who would I be if He hadn't? 

God has seen fit that I get this home that (now) brings me comfort and joy for another year and I am thankful. In a lot of ways it really is the beginning of the end--but that doesn't scare me so much anymore.

If moving to Baylor brought me so much anxiety in the beginning and I now have all of THIS to show for it, then when I have anxiety about moving on to the next thing-- I am going to remember this.

I am going to remember how in August of 2010 I wanted anything but Baylor... and how in August of 2013 I want only Baylor and this life I have found here. I am going to remember how I am prone to anxiety and that's ok but it won't and can't be what I base my decisions off of. I will remember because I know now that no matter where I am in this world that it really isn't home and that while God wants to bring me peace and joy that He isn't going to change His plans just because I have an un-easy feeling in my stomach... and praise Him for that. I have so much more because of it.

So, today I learned a lot and I'm not going to let myself forget it. 

Welcome "home" class of 2017! Get ready for God to blow your mind! 

My Proclamation

If you know me at all, or even if you have read my blog before then you know that I have spent 3 of my 4 college summers at Pine Cove Christian Camps. For all the people out there who have already stopped wanting to read this because you don't want to hear about someone else's camp experience--don't worry I'll spare you this time and this won't be a post about camp. (you're welcome!) However, one of the coolest things that PC does is that they give each of their staff a word at the end of the summer that they believe embodies who they are and how they impacted the campers and staff over the summer. It is an incredible opportunity for the leadership and resident staff of camp to speak identity into you. It is nerve racking and leaves you feeling both encouraged and challenged in the best possible way. That being said, my very first summer I was shocked when I was given the word courageous with this definition next to it:

courageous: doing what is right despite fear or risk. 

I remember sitting there holding it and becoming emotional because that summer I had felt like I was anything but courageous. I felt weak, broken, and useless. What a gift it was for me to have someone sit down with me and tell me that they saw in me something that I couldn't see. I remember telling them that I didn't at all feel courageous. I remember her looking at me and telling me that Christ had given me the ability to be very courageous, that she had seen that in me over the past 5 weeks, and that she wanted to challenge me to take this encouragement and to head into college full of gentle boldness and full of courage-- just like she knew I could. I left feeling empowered in a way that I never had before. 

Today I sat down at Common Grounds, a local coffee shop, and I thought about how un-courageous I have felt lately. I thought about how in more than just a couple areas of my life I am running away from what is right and running toward fear. I sat there and made myself think about all the ways I have been letting fear drive me and then I took myself back to that conversation in the Nada Mesa at camp. I thought about how whether I realized it then or not--I knew now that they were right. I do have the ability to be courageous. I have seen myself do it. I have seen myself at times over the last 3 years believe that I am a Godly woman who is saved by God's grace and because of that I have been able to walk into situations confidently and courageously. 

I was sad today as I recognized the insecurities and lies that I have let into my life and how because I have fed those things rather than feeding my soul with the Word that I have missed opportunities to be bold and courageous for Christ's name. I have missed out on hard conversations, conflict and community because I let fear be what drives me and not Jesus. 

When I am concerned about my fear I am saying that I am more important than that person or situation and when I am concerned with Jesus then I am confident that I can walk boldly into hard situations because He is the one leading me, guiding me, and speaking through me. 

If I want to live a life of c o u r a g e (which I do) then I have no choice but to let Jesus be my driving force, my commander, my master. If I decide that I am a better commander (gross), then I better be prepared to let fear and anxiety take over the drivers seat. 

In C.S. Lewis's book, Prince Caspian, the little girl Lucy gets lost from her brothers and sister and at last finds the Lion (Aslan) that they have been looking for. Her siblings hadn't been able to see him on other occasions and Lucy was sure that they weren't going to believe her, that she had really found him. 

This is how it goes down: 

"Now, child," said Aslan... "I will wait here. Go and wake the others and tell them to follow. If they will not, then you at least must follow me alone." 

It is a terrible thing to have to wake four people, all older than yourself and all very tired, for the purpose of telling them something they probably won't believe and making them do something they certainly won't like. "I mustn't think about it, I must just do it," thought Lucy. 

I think that is my favorite part of the story. For this anxiety prone girl, I can relate to that mindset. 

I must not think about it. I must just do it. 

I have the tendency to over-think. When I over-think I then tend to forget the simplicity of the gospel and of who Jesus is and of who He says that I am. When I over-think and over-analyze and when I go ask 20 people (not an exaggeration) of what they think I start to forget of how temporary this world and my problems are. I start to believe the lie that I am the commander and that I am in control. What a scary place to be-- and to think that my over-analyzing mind is what led me to that conclusion. 

We all need to stop over-thinking and start proclaiming what we know to be true because of the Truth that we have been given. So here's my proclamation: 

"I, Madison Mae Humphries am a daughter of the one true King. I am here on earth only temporarily and I must follow my King even if no one goes with me. I am a courageous, bold, and loving woman who has earned nothing but has been given everything she needs to proclaim His name and walk in righteousness." 

Whenever you start to over-think or when you have one of those days like mine was today when you realize that you have shifted off the narrow path, remind yourself of what your purpose is and what and Who you were made for. 

Because it certainly wasn't anxiety and it certainly wasn't fear. 

be courageous. do what is right despite fear. 

by doing this, you'll proclaim to a broken world that there is someone other than yourself that is in complete control. 

thank you, Jesus. 

The Gift of Singleness #6: "Crucify Your Dreams"

*this will be one of the last if not the last post in this series!! thanks for reading!* 

I'm a dreamer. In every single sense of the word and I have been since I was a very little girl. I can remember being as young as 5 years old and imagining my wedding day. FIVE. I can remember playing wedding with my friends where I (somehow) was always the bride and they were always the bridesmaid. I am currently paying for that (literally) as I am the one buying bridesmaid dress after bridesmaid dress. Serves me well. To all the 5 year olds out there reading this-- don't say I didn't warn you... go ahead and hand the fake veil over. You'll thank me later. But really, I know that I am not the only person who has spent their entire life dreaming dreams that aren't coming true. Life is happening all around us, but it isn't the way we thought it would be or should be and hardly ever is it when we think it should be. 

I grew up in a culture that told me to dream... and so I did. I dreamed big, crazy, and often times impossible dreams. But it was engrained in my mind forever (thank you sunday school) that nothing was impossible with Christ and so I kept on dreaming those dreams...the ones where I am the center of attention, where I am elevated instead of Christ, where I get what I want and my friends just stand by me happily although "secretly" they wish they had what I had and "secretly" that makes me even happier. I certainly do not blame sunday school for my way of thinking and for the record, I am blessed to have grown up attending SS every Sunday BUT, I think that a very important lesson went un-taught to me all those years ago. That being, that dreaming can be good and it also can be very bad. What I wish I would have known all those years ago is what dreaming outside of Christ's will and direction can do to ones body, heart, and mind. 

dream-er: "a person who lives in a world of fantasy; one who is impractical and unrealistic." 

Earlier when I said I was a dreamer--I meant it and this definition often describes me a little too well. I have spent so much time throughout my life dreaming up what I wanted the next year, month, day, and even hour to look like. If I am not actively holding my thoughts captive then I can expect my mind to start making up conversations and scenarios that will bring me satisfaction. I will "dream" of what it would be like to be liked by everyone or wanted by that person or honored for doing that or recognized for doing this. It is here where I find myself taking something as "naive" as dreaming and turning it into something that is now complicated and even sinful. I am not saying that dreaming alone is sinful but personally, dreaming has become an idol in my life that causes me to long for a world that isn't real--a world where I am elevated and Christ is not. A sick world indeed. 

This fantasy world that I often find myself living in has caused more problems in my actual REAL life than I would care to admit. When you allow yourself to dream without prayer and without open hands ready to give or to take anything that the Lord has for you, then you willingly put yourself in a very dangerous place. A place full of un-met expectations. 

Fantasy worlds make you believe that the things you see on TV or in Magazines are real and that you deserve that type of "passionate" and reckless love. Fantasy worlds make you have expectations on people that they cannot meet, and expectations on yourself that you cannot and should not meet. Fantasy worlds are full of worldly dreams that make you feel good for a fleeting moment and then leave you feeling miserable for a lot longer than that. 

Dreaming big dreams that only concerned me and my happiness led me to a belief that I wouldn't be truly satisfied with life until I had a ring on my finger and a guy who looked and acted like Prince Charming. It led me to believe lies about dating, marriage, and singleness. It led me to believe lies about what beauty is and where it comes from. It led me to believe lies about myself and it put me in a world where security, worth, and happiness was "promised" but actually ripped out from under me. 

I am PROMISED security, worth, and joy but it WILL NOT be found in fantasy world where my selfish dreams are tucked away tight. 

Consider Ruth. One of my all time favorite bible characters who I cannot relate to much yet, though I desperately desire to. Ruth walks away from everything that might give her security or worth and walks straight into a future that has absolutely no certainty or promise of earthly satisfaction. Ruth was not giving up everything in order to get Boaz. She was giving up everything in order to get Jesus. Ruth reminds me in a makes me want to jump up and down and shout from the rooftops kind of way of the call to follow Christ. Her story helps remind me of my story and how though in one way they look very different how in another they should look so very much the same. A call to die--and an obedient answer to that call. 

Ruth didn't have to dream because she trusted that God was going to direct her steps. He would dream for her and it would be well worth the wait. 

You will W A S T E your singleness and the loneliness, doubt, insecurity and everything else that comes with it if you refuse to let the pain of un-met dreams drive you into complete abandon like Ruth. You will absolutely waste it if you do anything other than put your whole heart into God's plan for your life, TRUSTING that He gives good gifts-- even if they aren't packaged the way you and your dreams thought they would be. 

There is a world waiting for you that is far better than any fantasy. One where the King of all Kings is beckoning you to come and be still, to know that He is your good Shepherd and that He wants to walk through this very real and painful world with you... bringing you true joy and peace along the way.  

Crucify your dreams--God is a way better dreamer than you could e v e r be. 

The Gift of Singleness #5: "You Can Too"

Things are changing. I recognize that things are always changing, but this summer it's been a different kind of change. I can feel my perspective on life, my deepest desires, and ultimately my very heart changing right in front of me... slowly but very consistently c h a n g i n g . 

In the beginning of May as school wrapped up I wrote down a list of things I wanted to do this summer and talked with my friends about all of the Waco adventures we were going to take and do. I was expectant and hopeful for a summer of fun, relaxation, and adventure since it was my first and last college summer where I wasn't committed to camp or work. While adventures did happen and fun was definitely had, I don't think that is what I'll look back on when I think about Summer 2013. Instead, I think my memories will be flooded with the ample amount of time I have spent with God, friends, and family processing through life, expectations, and dreams.

I'll think about the 147 road trips I took heading northbound on 35 in order to live the Dallas dream and how once I got there my weekends were full of laughter and honesty and hard conversations that made me leave knowing I was better now just because I went. 

I'll think about the nights at my house where I found myself alone yet again, and how I learned to spend that time with Jesus. I'll remember how it was awkward at first, to spend time with God at 7pm but then how it quickly became natural and the one thing I always looked forward to. 

I'll remember fasting with a good friend and how it changed us both. I'll have Summer 2013 to thank for the now knowledge that 10 days without something can change a lot more than you think it can. 

I'll remember buying a plane ticket to Portland, OR only a week before I left and how it was worth all the money I spent to get there (and more) because of that Saturday morning hammocking with my best friend. Having the opportunity to tell her face to face all the things the Lord has been teaching me this summer and then getting to listen to her challenge, encourage, and affirm me. Now I know that simply buying the plane ticket is sometimes the best choice you can make.

I'll remember the night I sat in my laundry basket (yes, my laundry basket) in the middle of my room as I told my roommate about my anxiety and fear. I'll remember how she listened in a way that made me feel known and normal. I'll remember how after we were done talking, I didn't have anxiety anymore. 

I'll remember sitting on the Suspension Bridge countless number of times reading and journaling and specifically the day I sat there and finished Bob Goff's book, "Love Does". Tears streaming down my face as I truly and finally rested in the height and depth of Christ's love for me. 

I'll remember how God laid on my heart to write a blog series on singleness and how He has used it to remind me of Truth, to dig deep into scripture, and to shatter any expectations I had left...

Since starting this blog series I have thought a lot about singleness, dating, and marriage. Partly because I have been wanting to seek out Truth and wisdom for the blog and partly because God has chosen to lead me into conversations that are focused around these topics, while jointly leading my heart in a direction toward these topics as well. The craziest part about this entire thing is that while I felt the Lord's leading in writing a series on singleness that is not at all what He has been teaching me about this summer. While I have been rambling on about the single life (that I know well) He has been nudging me and asking me the question, 

"So if d a t i n g is in your future will you still choose to trust Me then?" 

I like what I know. If I know you, I like you and the more I get to know you the more I like you. I am like this in almost every area of my life and this summer God has revealed to me that I am like this with my singleness. 

I know what it's like to be single. I know how to live the single life "wrong" and I know how to live it "right". My head tells me that I know how to navigate through life being single because that is the only way I have ever navigated through. So, with this knowledge comes the tendency as always for me, to cling to whatever "it" is, because at least I know that "it" has brought satisfaction in my life in the past. 

i am of little faith. 

See... It's one thing to say that I want to date someone but a whole other thing for me to actual do it. Just like for many of you it is one thing to say that you want to accept singleness but a whole other thing to actually do it-- willingly at that.   

What I am learning is that life isn't so much about my marital status. 

Instead of living in fear of never getting married, or living in fear of getting married what if we just started living for today--as it came??? If today brings singleness, then glory to God. If today brings a dating relationship that is honoring to Him, glory to God. If today brings marriage, glory to God. 

 Our lives are meant to be offerings poured out for Jesus and our goal is sanctification that brings us to look more like Him. BREAKING NEWS: we can do that single or married. 

Marriage is sanctifying (says every married person I've ever met) AND singleness is sanctifying. 

You do not and must not wait for something else to come in your life to start letting yourself lean into sanctification. Shame on me for clinging to what I think I have become good at (singleness) and shame on you if you are resisting something that is meant to BE good for you (could be singleness or marriage). 

I feel like most of us (I am president of this club) spend our time responding to the "maybes" of tomorrow instead of living in TODAY. 

Today my friends, I am called to singleness. However, I must not put all of my eggs in this singleness basket because I don't know when it will break. Just as I must not put all of my eggs in the relationship basket, if one is to come, because I won't know when that will break either. God's basket is the only one I can trust and I'm starting to learn that He wants all of my eggs so that He can care for them in the best way possible... handing them to me as gifts when He sees fit. 

 I cannot live today in fear of what tomorrow may or may not bring because I may or may not even be here tomorrow. 

This summer is turning out to be a lot like what I think the rest of my life will be like-- not at all what I planned and way better because of it. 

I am learning in big, huge, hard, and beautiful ways this summer that no matter what my marital status is...  

I can trust Jesus with my heart. 

you can too. 

Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breath in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. 

Do not be future. Be now. -Kyle Lake