Things are changing. I recognize that things are always changing, but this summer it's been a different kind of change. I can feel my perspective on life, my deepest desires, and ultimately my very heart changing right in front of me... slowly but very consistently c h a n g i n g .
In the beginning of May as school wrapped up I wrote down a list of things I wanted to do this summer and talked with my friends about all of the Waco adventures we were going to take and do. I was expectant and hopeful for a summer of fun, relaxation, and adventure since it was my first and last college summer where I wasn't committed to camp or work. While adventures did happen and fun was definitely had, I don't think that is what I'll look back on when I think about Summer 2013. Instead, I think my memories will be flooded with the ample amount of time I have spent with God, friends, and family processing through life, expectations, and dreams.
I'll think about the 147 road trips I took heading northbound on 35 in order to live the Dallas dream and how once I got there my weekends were full of laughter and honesty and hard conversations that made me leave knowing I was better now just because I went.
I'll think about the nights at my house where I found myself alone yet again, and how I learned to spend that time with Jesus. I'll remember how it was awkward at first, to spend time with God at 7pm but then how it quickly became natural and the one thing I always looked forward to.
I'll remember fasting with a good friend and how it changed us both. I'll have Summer 2013 to thank for the now knowledge that 10 days without something can change a lot more than you think it can.
I'll remember buying a plane ticket to Portland, OR only a week before I left and how it was worth all the money I spent to get there (and more) because of that Saturday morning hammocking with my best friend. Having the opportunity to tell her face to face all the things the Lord has been teaching me this summer and then getting to listen to her challenge, encourage, and affirm me. Now I know that simply buying the plane ticket is sometimes the best choice you can make.
I'll remember the night I sat in my laundry basket (yes, my laundry basket) in the middle of my room as I told my roommate about my anxiety and fear. I'll remember how she listened in a way that made me feel known and normal. I'll remember how after we were done talking, I didn't have anxiety anymore.
I'll remember sitting on the Suspension Bridge countless number of times reading and journaling and specifically the day I sat there and finished Bob Goff's book, "Love Does". Tears streaming down my face as I truly and finally rested in the height and depth of Christ's love for me.
I'll remember how God laid on my heart to write a blog series on singleness and how He has used it to remind me of Truth, to dig deep into scripture, and to shatter any expectations I had left...
Since starting this blog series I have thought a lot about singleness, dating, and marriage. Partly because I have been wanting to seek out Truth and wisdom for the blog and partly because God has chosen to lead me into conversations that are focused around these topics, while jointly leading my heart in a direction toward these topics as well. The craziest part about this entire thing is that while I felt the Lord's leading in writing a series on singleness that is not at all what He has been teaching me about this summer. While I have been rambling on about the single life (that I know well) He has been nudging me and asking me the question,
"So if d a t i n g is in your future will you still choose to trust Me then?"
I like what I know. If I know you, I like you and the more I get to know you the more I like you. I am like this in almost every area of my life and this summer God has revealed to me that I am like this with my singleness.
I know what it's like to be single. I know how to live the single life "wrong" and I know how to live it "right". My head tells me that I know how to navigate through life being single because that is the only way I have ever navigated through. So, with this knowledge comes the tendency as always for me, to cling to whatever "it" is, because at least I know that "it" has brought satisfaction in my life in the past.
i am of little faith.
See... It's one thing to say that I want to date someone but a whole other thing for me to actual do it. Just like for many of you it is one thing to say that you want to accept singleness but a whole other thing to actually do it-- willingly at that.
What I am learning is that life isn't so much about my marital status.
Instead of living in fear of never getting married, or living in fear of getting married what if we just started living for today--as it came??? If today brings singleness, then glory to God. If today brings a dating relationship that is honoring to Him, glory to God. If today brings marriage, glory to God.
Our lives are meant to be offerings poured out for Jesus and our goal is sanctification that brings us to look more like Him. BREAKING NEWS: we can do that single or married.
Marriage is sanctifying (says every married person I've ever met) AND singleness is sanctifying.
You do not and must not wait for something else to come in your life to start letting yourself lean into sanctification. Shame on me for clinging to what I think I have become good at (singleness) and shame on you if you are resisting something that is meant to BE good for you (could be singleness or marriage).
I feel like most of us (I am president of this club) spend our time responding to the "maybes" of tomorrow instead of living in TODAY.
Today my friends, I am called to singleness. However, I must not put all of my eggs in this singleness basket because I don't know when it will break. Just as I must not put all of my eggs in the relationship basket, if one is to come, because I won't know when that will break either. God's basket is the only one I can trust and I'm starting to learn that He wants all of my eggs so that He can care for them in the best way possible... handing them to me as gifts when He sees fit.
I cannot live today in fear of what tomorrow may or may not bring because I may or may not even be here tomorrow.
This summer is turning out to be a lot like what I think the rest of my life will be like-- not at all what I planned and way better because of it.
I am learning in big, huge, hard, and beautiful ways this summer that no matter what my marital status is...
I can trust Jesus with my heart.
you can too.
Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breath in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past.
Do not be future. Be now. -Kyle Lake
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