Me, the Samaritan Woman.

This summer has been a roller-coaster ride for me. Some days I see Jesus for who He is and I catch a glimpse of the bigger picture. You know, that one about Jesus and the Gospel and how it changes everything. Then other days I don't see it. I know that it's still there--that my doubt or un-belief or dis-satisfaction surely hasn't changed the reality of truth but it's hard. On these days, I cry a lot and wish that I could either 1) go back to college or 2) talk to Jon (my boyfriend) about it all. But unfortunately while Waco is still there even if I went back it wouldn't be the same and Jon is at camp--completely out of my reach for 6 out of 7 days. I am starting to learn that each day when I wake up I have a choice. I can either trust God or deny Him. When I can't change my circumstances I can either choose to trust or I can choose to show an unbelieving world that I deny the God that I say I commit my whole being to. Those are my only options. Lately, by God's grace I have started to choose that even if I can't see it... I believe that He really is who He says He is. Jesus, my God. 

Today I listend to a podcast about the passage found in John 4 where the samaritan woman meets Jesus at the well.

Imagine with me for a second...

This woman has been married 5 times and is currently living with yet another man but this time he isn't her husband. Perhaps, she's given up on marriage. She is at the well--coming to fetch water... the thing that she knows will satisfy her immediate thirst. She walked the familiar path to the well. She didn't have to ask for directions or second guess her decisions on how to get there. She knew this path-- she had walked it many times in the previous months and years and today was one in the same. She was minding her own business at the well that she came to daily in order to quench her thirst-- to satisfy her longing. Enters Jesus, the Messiah, a Jew. 

I used to always think that when I put myself in this story that I played the role of Jesus and that I needed to reach out to "lowly" people in my own life like Jesus reaches out to the samaritan woman. And I do. But today as I heard this story in a different light I realized something...

I'm that woman. I'm the samaritan woman at the well. Granted, our lives look different but we're more similar than I ever realized. Both sinners, both walking familiar paths in hopes that when we get to the well that we will finally find satisfaction.

When the whole time Jesus is there. Gently saying "Why not ask me for water?" To which we respond, "Well you don't have anything to fetch the water with. So thanks for the offer but it really is okay I got it. I can handle it. I can control my circumstances so that I know for sure that I'll get what I want... what I need." Jesus goes on to let the woman know that what He can offer is living water. The only kind of water that leaves you actually satisfied-- thirsty no more. 

But, I KNOW the path. I KNOW how to work the well. I KNOW that this will give me what I need and want. So, thanks for the offer but I got it.

Then the most amazing part of the story happens. The woman gets a glimpse. A glimpse that this man is the Messiah. He knows her story without her telling it, He knows that she doesn't have a husband and that she is living with a man whom she isn't married to, He knows her every fault and yet says, "Ask me... let me satisfy your thirst". And the woman leaves her pitcher of water there and returns to Samaria to tell of what she had seen. 

She leaves her pitcher of water there. 

What once satisfied her no longer could measure up to the glimpse of Living Water that she recieved. There was no turning back. No matter how familiar the path to the well is she no longer needs it. No matter that she has been married 5 times... she has been forgiven and cleansed by Living Water and the shame? She no longer needs it.

She leaves her pitcher of water. And she runs toward Living Water... 

and she'll thirst no more!

I'm the woman at the well. Me, the Samaritan Woman. The one coming back to the familiar path that leads to the familiar well simply because it's familiar. This is a huge revelation for me and it's backed by an even bigger promise from Jesus.

He is gently urging us to ask HIM. Not for earthly things but for Himself... which He will gladly give. And when we accept the gift of Himself the true Living Water...

we won't be wanting. i will not want. 

What is it that you are searching to satisfy you? If it's marriage... the woman at the well is a pretty clear picture that marriage isn't going to bring you the satisfaction you NEED. Is it a perfect job... it won't bring you the satisfaction you NEED. Is it that one thing you keep coming back to like the well for the samaritan woman? It won't satisfy. May we always remember that these things will.not.satisfy our souls. 

jesus will though. and he wants to. ask him. 

{Why do we settle for water coming out of the ground when we have an endless supply of Living Water at our expense?? }

It's Changing Things...

This summer is changing things.

In a sense I guess things are constantly changing; seasons in life both literally and figuratively are consistently shifting… so maybe this summer is no different. However, I think the difference can be found in the fact that I feel the change happening. It won’t just be a summer that I look back on and see how different it made me but I think it will be a summer that I look back on and I can point to this particular thing or situation and confidently say “that changed me” or “that situation made me realize things about myself that I hate” or possibly most often it will be, “sorting through those emotions/sins/insecurities made me more aware of God’s character and power and glory”. I know that I will look back and say these things because I am already saying them. It’s a rare thing for me to press into refinement as often and as hard as I have been lately and in doing so…

It’s changing things. And by things I mostly me it’s changing me.

Over the past 6 weeks I have learned 3 very important things:

1. I have an obsession with what people think about me

A very real and horrible obsession. I have known for a long time that I struggle with wanting people to have a good view of me and to fully know me and accept me despite knowing me, BUT I hadn’t realized until the past couple of weeks that this is actually an obsession of mine. A very real, horrible, and suffocating obsession. One that is sure to steal life from me if I feed it any longer. I am now constantly in a state of asking myself, “Madison are you seeking the approval of man or God?” In being faithful to ask myself this question, it is allowing me to not have to ask it as much.

2. God is more powerful, just and holy than I ever knew and even more than I know today {or will ever know this side of Heaven}

This summer has brought a lot of loneliness since I have been taken out of my normal community and brought back to the town and home I grew up in as a totally different person than I was 4 years ago when I left it for the first time.  This has been difficult but the loneliness has brought about a lot of good things in this “I just want community all the time” kind of girls life and heart. I have had more time to study God’s character and the lives of HIS community than I ever have before. I have been able to (finally) process through the things I learned in Israel and I have been daily and sometimes hourly surprised by how much I have missed about God’s character and His word in the past. God is BIG. And He is out of this world Holy and Just and Loving. He is the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and Rebekah and Adam and Eve and Ruth and Boaz and David and Paul (I’m guessing you get the picture?) and He is the SAME God that I pray to and the SAME God who is pursuing my heart relentlessly. I feel it and I’m leaning into it. And it’s changing things.

3. Forgiveness, in it’s most raw and real form is really REALLY hard

6 weeks ago I thought I knew what forgiveness was… and to an extent I did. But there is so much more to real forgiveness than I have ever given credit to. What I have learned thus far is that in order to give actual forgiveness to someone you must first be able to recognize how sinful, unclean, rotten, and fallen YOU are. Then consider that despite your sin and ugliness Jesus still went to the cross. Despite those Jesus loved most beating and forsaking Him… to the cross He still went. Despite His anxiety in the Garden ofGethsemene as He asked “Dad, please if it be possible let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will Dad but as You will.” And yup His Father didn’t rescue Him and yet He still went to the cross. What I am realizing is that it isn’t until I accept what Jesus did for me on that cross that I can actually offer true forgiveness to anyone. And because Jesus STILL went to the cross despite everything… how could I ever not forgive anyone? The ultimate act of forgiveness was showed to ME at the cross. Jesus switched cups with me once and for all. 

From my trip to Israel this past March: a picture of the communion I took IN the Garden of Gethsemene which overlooks the Temple Mount and modern day Jerusalem! Jesus took the cup of wrath so that I could forever and always have the cup of salvation and redemption! Praise God!!! 

                                                        

Won't you take this cup from me


Cause fear has stolen all my sleep


If tomorrow means my death


Pray you'll save their souls with it

In this hour of doubt I see


Who I am is not just me


So give me strength to die myself


So love can live to tell the tale

Garden: NeedtoBreath

I share the things that I am learning for two reasons; first, I love to write, to be vulnerable, to share what God is doing in and through my life because in doing so it helps me to realize even more so how BIG, and JUST, and FAITHFUL my God is. I believe that there are certain things that we each love and when we partake in them it gives us joy and life and that God intended it to be that way. For you it could be anything and for me it’s writing. Every time I write, I read back over it and cry because I am so overwhelmed by God’s goodness and faithfulness to me. So, I write. I write to remind myself of what Jesus has done and is yet to do.

Secondly, I write because I pray that in my vulnerability and willingness to share what God is doing in my life currently that it would encourage you to seek Jesus more. I know that God won’t use “my” words to encourage or challenge everyone and that’s okay. But, I trust that He will do with them as He chooses and my only responsibility is to be obedient in the writing.

So, a little glimpse into my summer of change, of loneliness in a lot of ways, but mostly of studying God’s character and His desires for me. In doing so,

It’s changing things. Jesus is changing things. Praise Him!!

already, {but} not yet... and not ever.

A lot has happened since I last blogged.

Rejected from grad school, [respectfully] appealed this rejection, got accepted to grad school, 200+ hours of internship, battled 1 [ and a half ] anxiety attack(s), spent Easter in Fayettechill, finished college (almost) oh and spent 14 days traveling and hiking through the h o l y l a n d . { stay tuned for more posts on Israel!... just know it was the best thing I've ever done and you MUST go. I'm serious... stop reading this and go hop on a plane to Tel Aviv. Best money you'll ever spend. } 

....but Israel posts must wait. (insert sobbing... from both you and me) 

 The past 3 weeks have been filled with change aka: my worst enemy. 

In 8 days I will graduate from Baylor with my BSW and we will all eat cake and take a lot of pictures and celebrate this accomplishment. With the people that I love most surrounding me, it is bound to be one of the very best days and then the next day as I drive to Tyler with Waco in my rearview mirror and the friends family I have made here spreading across the country for good I am bound to cry for a good 45 minutes at best. 

c h a n g e . 

10 days ago my boyfriend left for Uganda to visit where his parents will be moving in September to be missionaries at an orphanage called Restoration Gateway. The good news is that he comes home TODAY and the bad news is that in another 10 days he leaves for Pine Cove for the entire summer where he won't have his phone and the only way we will be able to have contact during the week is through letters that take 2 days to get back and forth to each other. [ how did people use to do this all the time?!... send advice this way asap... thanks ] 

Talking with my best gal on the phone the other day I was telling her how selfishly I was handling this whole situation. I couldn't figure out why I was so bitter about my boyfriend going to serve at a ministry that I LOVE all summer. She asked me to dig deep and without beating myself up or getting mad at myself for not feeling differently, to tell her what I thought this bitterness was rooted in. 

I reply (drumroll please)......

"because even though i'm not his wife yet i feel like i am his top earthly priority and he is mine. Except for him things like free time, and TAPS and skits and theme nights and CQ's are all going to come before me." 

(me is bolded because I unfortunately put a lot of emphasis on it in the conversation...oops) 

yup. not my brightest moment... however being vulnerable in this moment allowed myself to see where my perspective had shifted. It allowed me to see my sin and pin-point where the bitterness was coming from so I could begin to destroy it. That's how refinement works... a hard confession followed by hard shifts in perspectives and priorities all dipped and soaked in a lot of sacrifice... THIS leads to holiness. 

My priorities have been extremely out of whack as of late. Fear, anxiety, control, and discontentment have been the things that I have held dear to my heart and held tightly with clenched fists. 

In my mind and even my heart I have put my boyfriend in a place that he does not yet deserve to be-- and I have asked him to put me in the same place and now camp is threatening me with the question that where I have placed myself isn't where I yet belong. And that is hard. 

We already have the feelings, emotions, and connection we need to pursue marriage but God is saying wait. We already desire to be each others top earthly priorities but God is saying... not yet. Not because we aren't ready or aren't mature enough or financially stable enough, etc. but because we have ministry to do and commitments to fulfill that require singleness. And that's enough to wait. 

already. [ but ] not yet. 

I cannot ask my boyfriend to choose me when we haven't entered into a covenant marriage.

even more than that... 

I cannot ask my boyfriend to choose me when God has told him to ALWAYS choose Jesus before me. 

Much like how we can already be holy here on earth [ but ] we cannot obtain full holiness until we are standing face to face with Jesus at the one true wedding, I too can practice love and sacrifice within a dating relationship but cannot practice full oneness until I am standing face to face to my groom at an earthly wedding. 

Therefore, I must not claim or demand or even just expect ownership over someone that isn't yet mine.

[enter deep breaths...at least that's what helps me walk through the fire of sanctification] 

Then as my conversation with my friend went on I realized something else that is both sobering and encouraging... 

With Jesus Christ it's only already, but not yet. 

          { I can be holy here on earth but I can't obtain full holiness 

               until eternity BUT there I will obtain it. I will dwell in 

                          the house of my Lord forever. } 

but with ANY earthly thing { even marriage } I cannot have the mindset of ownership. I can't have the mindset that I have obtained or ever will fully obtain what I wanted and that a human being or an earthly possession or title or relationship will bring me to full satisfaction. 

With Jesus, I get to have the mind-set of already, but not yet-- which makes it okay that with everything else I can only have the mindset of: 

already, [but] not yet... and {not ever}. 


this world is not my home. and not even marriage should make me feel like i want to settle down here. i don't have the power to declare something mine in a place where i can't find my true house even if i looked for it the rest of my life. 

Praise the Lord that I will never have to take ownership over my life and the things and people that fill it again. Praise the Lord that His Kingdom is the only thing that is already, and yet to come. 

I have already died to my need to control, be seen as important, and to be comfortable. It's dead. 

So... I am now back to running the race of being a follower... of falling in-step with my Savior from Nazareth. Trusting that He knows best. 

He knows when I need to be single, when I need to minister and serve alone, and He knows when I need to be married. I don't have to worry about it and I certainly don't have to control it. 

Oh, and good news. 

He is faithful indeed to take bitterness and frustration away and replace it with a joyful and expectant spirit-- even when you initially let your selfishness lead you to the darkest of places. (I didn't experience this personally obviously, a friend told me.) 

Thank you, Lord. 

"Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love." -Brennan Manning