A lot has happened since I last blogged.
Rejected from grad school,
[respectfully] appealed this rejection, got accepted to grad school, 200+ hours
of internship, battled 1 [ and a half ] anxiety attack(s), spent Easter in
Fayettechill, finished college (almost) oh and spent 14 days traveling and
hiking through the h o l y l a n d . { stay tuned for more posts on
Israel!... just know it was the best thing I've ever done and you MUST go. I'm
serious... stop reading this and go hop on a plane to Tel Aviv. Best money
you'll ever spend. }
....but Israel posts must wait. (insert sobbing...
from both you and me)
In 8 days I will graduate from Baylor with my BSW
and we will all eat cake and take a lot of pictures and celebrate this
accomplishment. With the people that I love most surrounding me, it is bound to
be one of the very best days and then the next day as I drive to Tyler with
Waco in my rearview mirror and the friends family I have made here
spreading across the country for good I
am bound to cry for a good 45 minutes at best.
c h a n g e .
10 days ago my boyfriend left for Uganda to visit
where his parents will be moving in September to be missionaries at an
orphanage called Restoration Gateway. The good news is that he comes home TODAY
and the bad news is that in another 10 days he leaves for Pine Cove for the
entire summer where he won't have his phone and the only way we will be able to
have contact during the week is through letters that take 2 days to get back
and forth to each other. [ how did people use to do this all the time?!... send
advice this way asap... thanks ]
Talking with my best gal on the phone the other day
I was telling her how selfishly I was handling this whole situation. I couldn't
figure out why I was so bitter about my boyfriend going to serve at a ministry
that I LOVE all summer. She asked me to dig deep and without beating
myself up or getting mad at myself for not feeling differently, to tell her
what I thought this bitterness was rooted in.
I reply (drumroll please)......
"because even though i'm not his wife yet
i feel like i am his top earthly priority and he is mine. Except for him things
like free time, and TAPS and skits and theme nights and CQ's are all going to
come before me."
(me is bolded because I unfortunately put a lot of
emphasis on it in the conversation...oops)
yup. not my brightest moment... however being
vulnerable in this moment allowed myself to see where my perspective had
shifted. It allowed me to see my sin and pin-point where the bitterness was
coming from so I could begin to destroy it. That's how refinement
works... a hard confession followed by hard shifts in perspectives and
priorities all dipped and soaked in a lot of sacrifice... THIS leads to
holiness.
My priorities have been extremely out of whack as
of late. Fear, anxiety, control, and discontentment have been the things that I
have held dear to my heart and held tightly with clenched fists.
In my mind and even my heart I
have put my boyfriend in a place that he does not yet deserve to be-- and I
have asked him to put me in the same place and now camp is threatening me with
the question that where I have placed myself isn't where I yet belong. And that
is hard.
We already have the feelings, emotions, and
connection we need to pursue marriage but God is saying wait. We already desire
to be each others top earthly priorities but God is saying... not yet. Not
because we aren't ready or aren't mature enough or financially stable enough,
etc. but because we have ministry to do and commitments to fulfill
that require singleness. And that's enough to wait.
already. [ but ] not yet.
I cannot ask my boyfriend to choose me when we
haven't entered into a covenant marriage.
even more than that...
I cannot ask my boyfriend to choose me when God has
told him to ALWAYS choose Jesus before me.
Much like how we can already be holy
here on earth [ but ] we cannot obtain full holiness until we are standing face
to face with Jesus at the one true wedding, I too can practice love and
sacrifice within a dating relationship but cannot practice full oneness until I
am standing face to face to my groom at an earthly wedding.
Therefore, I must not claim or demand or even just
expect ownership over someone that isn't yet mine.
[enter deep breaths...at least that's what helps me
walk through the fire of sanctification]
Then as my conversation with my
friend went on I realized something else that is both sobering and
encouraging...
With Jesus Christ it's only already,
but not yet.
{ I can be holy
here on earth but I can't obtain full holiness
until eternity BUT there I will obtain it. I will dwell in
the house of my Lord forever. }
but with ANY earthly thing { even marriage } I
cannot have the mindset of ownership. I can't have the mindset that I have
obtained or ever will fully obtain what I wanted and that a human being or an
earthly possession or title or relationship will bring me to full
satisfaction.
With Jesus, I get to have the mind-set of already,
but not yet-- which makes it okay that with everything else I can only
have the mindset of:
already, [but] not yet... and {not ever}.
this world is not my home. and not even
marriage should make me feel like i want to settle down here. i don't have the
power to declare something mine in a place where i can't find my true house
even if i looked for it the rest of my life.
Praise the Lord that I will never have to take
ownership over my life and the things and people that fill it again. Praise the
Lord that His Kingdom is the only thing that is already, and yet to come.
I have already died to my need to control, be seen
as important, and to be comfortable. It's dead.
So... I am now back to running the race of being a
follower... of falling in-step with my Savior from Nazareth. Trusting that He
knows best.
He knows when I need to be single, when I need to
minister and serve alone, and He knows when I need to be married. I don't have
to worry about it and I certainly don't have to control it.
Oh, and good news.
He is faithful indeed to take bitterness and
frustration away and replace it with a joyful and expectant spirit-- even when
you initially let your selfishness lead you to the darkest of places. (I didn't
experience this personally obviously, a friend told me.)
Thank you, Lord.
"Fear of the unknown path stretching
ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and
unrestricted love." -Brennan Manning
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