It's Changing Things...

This summer is changing things.

In a sense I guess things are constantly changing; seasons in life both literally and figuratively are consistently shifting… so maybe this summer is no different. However, I think the difference can be found in the fact that I feel the change happening. It won’t just be a summer that I look back on and see how different it made me but I think it will be a summer that I look back on and I can point to this particular thing or situation and confidently say “that changed me” or “that situation made me realize things about myself that I hate” or possibly most often it will be, “sorting through those emotions/sins/insecurities made me more aware of God’s character and power and glory”. I know that I will look back and say these things because I am already saying them. It’s a rare thing for me to press into refinement as often and as hard as I have been lately and in doing so…

It’s changing things. And by things I mostly me it’s changing me.

Over the past 6 weeks I have learned 3 very important things:

1. I have an obsession with what people think about me

A very real and horrible obsession. I have known for a long time that I struggle with wanting people to have a good view of me and to fully know me and accept me despite knowing me, BUT I hadn’t realized until the past couple of weeks that this is actually an obsession of mine. A very real, horrible, and suffocating obsession. One that is sure to steal life from me if I feed it any longer. I am now constantly in a state of asking myself, “Madison are you seeking the approval of man or God?” In being faithful to ask myself this question, it is allowing me to not have to ask it as much.

2. God is more powerful, just and holy than I ever knew and even more than I know today {or will ever know this side of Heaven}

This summer has brought a lot of loneliness since I have been taken out of my normal community and brought back to the town and home I grew up in as a totally different person than I was 4 years ago when I left it for the first time.  This has been difficult but the loneliness has brought about a lot of good things in this “I just want community all the time” kind of girls life and heart. I have had more time to study God’s character and the lives of HIS community than I ever have before. I have been able to (finally) process through the things I learned in Israel and I have been daily and sometimes hourly surprised by how much I have missed about God’s character and His word in the past. God is BIG. And He is out of this world Holy and Just and Loving. He is the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and Rebekah and Adam and Eve and Ruth and Boaz and David and Paul (I’m guessing you get the picture?) and He is the SAME God that I pray to and the SAME God who is pursuing my heart relentlessly. I feel it and I’m leaning into it. And it’s changing things.

3. Forgiveness, in it’s most raw and real form is really REALLY hard

6 weeks ago I thought I knew what forgiveness was… and to an extent I did. But there is so much more to real forgiveness than I have ever given credit to. What I have learned thus far is that in order to give actual forgiveness to someone you must first be able to recognize how sinful, unclean, rotten, and fallen YOU are. Then consider that despite your sin and ugliness Jesus still went to the cross. Despite those Jesus loved most beating and forsaking Him… to the cross He still went. Despite His anxiety in the Garden ofGethsemene as He asked “Dad, please if it be possible let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will Dad but as You will.” And yup His Father didn’t rescue Him and yet He still went to the cross. What I am realizing is that it isn’t until I accept what Jesus did for me on that cross that I can actually offer true forgiveness to anyone. And because Jesus STILL went to the cross despite everything… how could I ever not forgive anyone? The ultimate act of forgiveness was showed to ME at the cross. Jesus switched cups with me once and for all. 

From my trip to Israel this past March: a picture of the communion I took IN the Garden of Gethsemene which overlooks the Temple Mount and modern day Jerusalem! Jesus took the cup of wrath so that I could forever and always have the cup of salvation and redemption! Praise God!!! 

                                                        

Won't you take this cup from me


Cause fear has stolen all my sleep


If tomorrow means my death


Pray you'll save their souls with it

In this hour of doubt I see


Who I am is not just me


So give me strength to die myself


So love can live to tell the tale

Garden: NeedtoBreath

I share the things that I am learning for two reasons; first, I love to write, to be vulnerable, to share what God is doing in and through my life because in doing so it helps me to realize even more so how BIG, and JUST, and FAITHFUL my God is. I believe that there are certain things that we each love and when we partake in them it gives us joy and life and that God intended it to be that way. For you it could be anything and for me it’s writing. Every time I write, I read back over it and cry because I am so overwhelmed by God’s goodness and faithfulness to me. So, I write. I write to remind myself of what Jesus has done and is yet to do.

Secondly, I write because I pray that in my vulnerability and willingness to share what God is doing in my life currently that it would encourage you to seek Jesus more. I know that God won’t use “my” words to encourage or challenge everyone and that’s okay. But, I trust that He will do with them as He chooses and my only responsibility is to be obedient in the writing.

So, a little glimpse into my summer of change, of loneliness in a lot of ways, but mostly of studying God’s character and His desires for me. In doing so,

It’s changing things. Jesus is changing things. Praise Him!!