Lust: Start the Conversation

l u s t . even typing that word seems gross. 

Over the past few months I have become wrecked with the realization that lust and sexual immorality is effecting every person I come in contact with in some way. Conversations have left me sick, empty, or crying over people's stories where sexual sin has completely taken over their lives--where they are sons and daughters of our one true King and yet are living as if they are slaves to sexual sin. My friends are these people. I am this person.

stuck.depressed.confused.humiliated.ashamed.  and in the d a r k about it all.

I used to believe the lie that I was the only girl in this world that struggled with lust. It was a guy thing and I wasn't normal for struggling with it. I was alone and therefore I couldn't talk about it with anyone.

Through hard but the most freeing conversations I have ever had, I have come to realize that the true reality of this situation is that e v e r y o n e struggles in some way with lust and giving into sexual sin. We are sexual beings after all so I am not sure why this surprises so many of us. These conversations should have been happening a long time ago and honestly, this blog post should have been written a long time ago as well.

When things are kept in the dark I truly believe that satan has tremendous power. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy... and last time I checked those things are always easier to get away with in the dark.

Heres the deal:

-I am a sinner. The worst one. I am without fail going to FAIL, without Christ.
-I have a Savior who has saved me from my sin. Purchased me. I am owned by Him and He sees me without blemish or stain.
-That same Savior has told me that it is not good to live alone and has provided me with community.

Why would I think that it's okay to keep certain sins a secret? Why in the world would I want to give the enemy that kind of power? I don't and I certainly am not going to anymore. I challenge you to do the same and hope that the rest of this post can help you understand lust a little better and help give you the courage to fight it with every weapon available to you.

lust: craving sexually what God has forbidden. 
(definition comes from the book "Sex is not the Problem: Lust Is")

John Piper explains lust with this simple equation:

"Lust is a sexual desire minus honor and holiness" 

When we lust, we take this very good and God given thing-- sexual desire-- and we remove from it honor and holiness. That's huge. That's sin and that sin is destroying our generation.

"For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you His Holy Spirit." (1 Thessalonians 4:7-8) 

In my personal battle against lust I have realized that the playoff of lust is a continual lust for more. Enough lust is never enough lust. When you give into lust because the desire or urge is just too strong you are actually not at all satisfying that desire-- you are only making it stronger. To make something lose it's desire you must starve it. If you stop eating sugar all of a sudden the next day you are still going to desire it but eventually that desire will deminish. However, if you just keep giving into it all you will want is more more more .

So at this point you are probably saying "That's great Madison and yeah lust sucks but I can't give it up. I've tried and tried and tried. All I do is fail so I might as well just stop. I can't keep focusing on it because if I do all I am focusing on is failure."

And to that, I would say that I totally understand and that I think you have the wrong plan for battle. 

With that mindset you are stepping into a battlefield looking toward men who have knifes, guns, and bombs and all you have is yourself and a BB gun. You'll get somewhere but pretty quickly you're going to fail-- badly.

John Piper says this:

"We must fight fire with fire. The fire of lust's pleasures must be fought with the fire of God's pleasures. If we try to fight the fire of lust with prohibitions and threats alone-- even the terrible warnings of Jesus-we will fail. We must fight it with the massive promise of superior happiness. We must swallow up the little flicker of lust's pleasure in the conflagration of holy satisfaction." 

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to set boundaries you are going to fail.

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to starve yourself of triggers to lust you are going to fail.

If the only thing you are doing to fight lust is to have accountability you are going to fail.

While these things are good (and recommended!) ,when used as tools against lust without fixing our eyes, hearts, and minds on Jesus-- we will fail.

Hear me on this: We don't abstain from pre-marital sex so that we can high five our spouse on our wedding day and say, "Yes! We did it! We are virgins!"

We abstain from pre-marital sex because we want to be h o l y . 

we abstain from all sexual sin because we desire holiness. 

The thing I am beginning to truly believe is that if we ever expect to find victory over lust, we have to believe with our whole hearts that God is against our lust not because He is against pleasure but because He is committed to it. 

God knew what He was doing when He created us as sexual beings. He created us and

saw that it was good. 

We are the ones that have created a distorted view of sex and we are the ones that are currently (or will have to in the future) suffer from the consequences of that distorted view and the things we have done because of it.

God put sex in marriage for a reason-- leave it there. All of it.

I think that unfortunately for us, some type of sexual sin is a part of all of our stories. Maybe it's part of our past story or maybe it's your current story and maybe it's been part of your story for a long time.

Regardless-- while it is a part of your story it isn't THE story.

When you have accepted Jesus into your life and heart-- the gospel is your story. 

the cross is your story and it is there that your sin was paid for once and for all. 

fight sexual sin-- and all sin for that matter-- because you want to be holy. because you want to be like

j e s u s . 

not because you want to check things off of a list, make your girlfriend or boyfriend happy or anyone happy for that reason. 

fight it because Jesus died for it on the cross and He is giving you Himself as a weapon. 

fight it because the gospel set you f r e e 

f r e e to be h o l y 

there is no better reason. 

Hop off the computer, go find community, start having these conversations, bring darkness to light and TRUST that Jesus was serious when He said that He came to give us life... 

full and abundant life. 

Peace Out, Happily Ever After

I can remember as early as 4 years old wanting my 'Prince Charming' to come and take me away. As a 4 year old I don't think I knew much, if anything, about what a romantic relationship looked like or what the purpose was... but I did know that I wanted it and that it had to come in a very specific way. At 4 years old I might not have known much but I did know one thing to be true:

 I was a Princess waiting for my Prince. Why did I know this at such a young age?

everything around me told me that is what I needed to be happy. 

every store, every show, every single movie I watched my entire life told me that...

I deserve to live {h a p p i l y ever a f t e r}& that would happen when my Prince arrived and only then.

The more thought I give this the more of a tragedy that I think it is. I am mad at times when I think of what our culture has done to our hearts and minds. To the heart and minds of girls and boys at the young age of 4. The lies that they fed us and continue to feed us. I want to throw up at the thought that my own daughter will most likely struggle with this even more than I did because our culture is constantly progressing and constantly searching for more pleasure, more "beauty", more more more.

At 4 years old I'm not sure how much of a choice we have in what we let our eyes see and our hearts believe but at 22 years old I indeed do have a choice. I know full well, too well, what a life looks like when you choose to believe the lie that we need what our culture has told us will satisfy.

It's like I am choosing to eat on a paper plate when fine china that has been created, crafted, and molded just for me is being offered. I could choose to take it for all I have to do is r e a c h... yet, I know what the paper plate is like. It's not perfect, it isn't even that good but I know it and therefor I can control it.

Our society didn't just teach us that we can choose, change, and manipulate who, when, and how we date but they did a pretty good job at convincing us (or at least me) that we can choose, change, and manipulate everything else in our lives too... they told me that I could be my own Savior. My own change agent and that if I just did XY&Z I was on my way to happiness...

all humans are pathetic and miserable Saviors. 

On October 18th, 2012 I wrote this in my journal:

"Today I am so aware of my human-ness. Of how dirty, lost, and useless I am without Jesus. This isn't a good feeling but yet I am thankful that God would allow me to have days like today when I am so beyond confident that I NEED a Savior to save me from my lesser loves that are all found in this fallen world--my very self being one of them. I am a desperately broken tool in the hand of a gracious and powerful God.  I am a sinner, deserving to be thrown to the side into the stack of broken and worthless rubbish. Yet, God calls me His daughter, His beloved, HIS bride. What a gift that I have. Even on days like today when I feel so unworthy of His high calling I can claim it. Own it. Live it. Wow, what a merciful and sweet Savior He is."

My whole life this world screamed at me (and at you) to desperately and passionately...

SEEK HAPPINESS. SEARCH FOR LOVE AND THEN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Well, I tried it the worlds way and it failed. Then I tried again but it failed then too. I have always known the gospel and was privileged to grow up in a Godly home and in a church who poured much Truth into me yet I just didn't think that I had to give up on what the world said in order to claim what Jesus said. Then I realized that was exactly what I had to do... I couldn't believe both although I tried to for many years.

As I struggle to daily live the life that I have claimed to find in Jesus I am constantly reminded that it requires a lot of trust, abandon, and being willing to change your plans.

As I mentioned in my last post, I often times find myself praying for clarity before I find myself praying for deeper intimacy and trust in Jesus. Today I was convicted about why I would do this and could practically hear Jesus saying,

"Why would I show you the specifics when you've forsaken that which is already revealed?" 

Jesus has already made it clear to us all that His way is better.

Today I am choosing to not only believe it but to claim it as well. He is better than what this world claims is good. Today, I won't believe the lies. And I pray that tomorrow I won't either.

peace out, happily ever after. 

you are no good for me.

Neediness & Why God Doesn't Hate It

Since August, I have been interning at the Christian Women's Job Corps here in Waco. I have been wanting to blog about my many eye-opening and life-altering experiences but I haven't known where to even begin. There are so many things I have seen and heard that I sometimes wish I could un-see and un-hear for the sake of my comfort. Some days, I'd rather pretend that I didn't know about my client sleeping under a bridge while I fall asleep on my perfectly comfortable bed. More days than not, I don't want to remember that my clients wear the same clothes over and over again because if I let myself remember this then I don't feel good about going shopping even though "I have nothing at all to wear in my closet". I don't want to think about my client who is going home to abuse or is struggling with buying her 2 year old son shoes that fit his feet. I don't want to know. I don't want to hear. I don't want to see. But I do. Every day, I see these things and I can't un-see them... and I now Praise God for that.

When I declared Social Work as my major, I worried most about not being able to leave my work at work. I had people tell me that I get too involved and invested in people to become a social worker and actually stay sane. And maybe they're right... but maybe I don't want to stay sane. Because all too often I think my definition of sane can actually be translated as comfortable. Are boundaries necessary in client/worker relationships? Definitely. But does God want me to un-see the things I have seen that make me feel convicted about my "sane" life? Definitely not.

The reality is that I can't truly separate my work life from my home life because if I do, I have to ignore everything I have become aware of and as a believer of Jesus, I just can't do it and after 9 weeks in the field I've decided I'm going to stop trying to. As much as I would like to think that Waco is Baylor and Baylor is Waco it just isn't true. There is so much more. So much poverty. So many hungry people. So many people without homes. So many needs un-met. So many people un-loved and un-touched.

and so many comfortable people doing nothing about it. 

My goal of this post isn't to harass you or make you feel bad. It's more just to let you all know what I've seen, what I now know, and that because of this I am asking for people to hold me accountable to doing something about it. Can I destroy poverty and hunger alone? No, I can't. Is it my job as a social worker to rescue my clients? No, it isn't. But I can change my perspective. I can make people aware in hopes that maybe they too, would change their perspective. 

I used to think that every homeless person asking for money on the street wanted to use it to buy drugs. That was until my client told me that she needed 5 dollars just to stay in the homeless shelter that night and she didn't know where she was going to get the money. Do some people use the money to buy drugs? I'm sure they do but who am I to assume such a thing based on circumstance and/or appearance?

You see, these people you pass on the street or outside of the grocery store or you see under a bridge aren't just people to me anymore. They're a familiar face full of stories and experiences that are starting to change my life. 

They're people who are making my life extremely un-comfortable and saving it at the same time. 

Out of all the things I am learning from these women one of the best is the fact that: 

God loves a needy heart. 

These women have needy hearts, they aren't afraid to let us know it and I believe that God is glorified in this. I have been thinking about this a lot and how though my life looks different from these women's in so many ways that in a lot of ways it's not so different. I'm needy too and they are teaching me that when I am weak and needy, God is strong and seen. 

Why God loves a needy heart: 

1. Your neediness reveals that God is God... it isn't often in our culture anymore that people feel desperately needy. There are way too many resources available to financially stable people for them to actually feel in desperate need in everyday life. These women however, often times don't know where they are going to sleep that night and this puts them in a situation where they are forced to accept that they aren't God and they can't save themselves. Therefore, neediness has the ability to declare that God is the only one who is God and worthy of praise. 

2. Your neediness shows God's strength... this is the part where God gets to shine through you because you can't shine yourself. Our helplessness puts God in a perfect position to show His power. Plus God loves to bless the poor and needy... we should too. 

3. Your neediness drives you to God... don't let your neediness drive you to try and get what you want from God but rather just to get you MORE of God. Hannah in the bible didn't use her neediness as a tool to get a child but as a tool to get more of God. God blessed her with a child but that wasn't the point. The point is that Hannah used her obstacle as an asset to know and trust her Jesus more. 

don't settle for a comfortable life because God has too many things to teach you through people who make you feel un-comforable. 

recognize your neediness, let it be something that drives you to Christ and then make much of Jesus through your weaknesses and the weaknesses of others. 

seek the welfare of the city... and that doesn't mean just Baylor.  

Life Lately: Dating, Change, and Letting Go.

If you remember, this summer I wrote a blog series on singleness. If you don't remember, you can scroll on over to the side of this blog and check it out! This summer, I was l o v i n g being single and I truly mean loving it. I got to a point where I finally felt like I had "figured" out this whole singleness thing and I was starting to find myself comfortable in it. Then.... I did a 10 day fast with one of my dear friends (check out her blog here ) where we decided that we wanted to grow into deeper intimacy with Jesus and knew that for this specific season one way we could do this is by fasting from guys. Not that guys are bad and not that we would run away from them when we saw them, BUT we wanted to be radical in a way for a short time in order to get our focus back to where we wanted it... on Christ. That being said, on day 7 of this "boy fast" I felt like God was saying this to me...

"Madison, you have finally learned to trust me with your singleness but will your trust in Me reach over into your dating life? If I was to give you the gift of dating rather than the gift of singleness would you still trust that I am good, just, and loving? Will you let me guide you out of comfort? Will you step out of something that you feel like you are an "expert" in and walk into something you know nothing about...??" 

I was immediately shaken by this because God's voice was so clear to me. I felt like He was speaking to me in a way that He had rarely done before...or maybe I was just listening better. But regardless, I could feel like I was being called into something that was foreign to me... called to walk into the unknown, to be obedient without knowing how I would be perceived or what the outcome would hold. I was fearful because I could feel the calm before the storm in a way. I fear change more than almost anything in this world and I felt like God was preparing me for a season of change and that it was going to come in the form of dating. And while I knew that I wanted to be obedient... it wasn't going to happen without a fight from my end. And fighting I did...

A few weeks go by after the fast and turns out what God was telling me was exactly what He had prepared for me to walk into... a season of change which came exactly in the form of dating. While I would love to tell you all about the past month and a half of dating a wonderful, patient and God-fearing man that isn't the point of this blog post at all. So, feel free to message me or ask me next time you see me for the full story but as of now, this is what God has been teaching me... 

i like to be in control. 

this is the first thing that God began to reveal to me and is continuing to reveal to me. I have (unfortunately) over my lifetime developed a habit of wanting to control things. Anything from controlling where we're going to go to dinner to wanting to control how my life is going to pan out... 

which leads me to my next realization. As a true follower and disciple of Christ... 

i cannot write my own story. 

 and I should not be trying to. 

The more intimately I walk with Jesus the more I realize how detrimental it is for me to have the desire to control things, and the desire to write my life out the way I think it should be written. What a pathetic excuse for the gospel!! When Jesus first called His disciples it is important to note that He didn't say "Pray about your decision, see how you feel about it and then come and follow Me." It sounds humorous because we know that isn't at all what happened but I think more times than we want to admit that this is how we think Jesus calls us. This is not the case. Not in the least. 

¹⁸ Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee. He saw two brothers. They were Simon (his other name was Peter) and Andrew, his brother. They were putting a net into the sea for they were fishermen. ¹⁹ Jesus said to them, “Follow Me. I will make you fish for men!” ²⁰ At once they left their nets and followed Him.

²¹ Going from there, Jesus saw two other brothers. They were James and John, the sons of Zebedee. They were sitting in a boat with their father, mending their nets. Jesus called them. ²² At once they left the boat and their father and followed Jesus. -Matthew 4:18-22 

This is a perfect example of how Jesus calls us to follow Him. Both times Jesus immediately calls these men to follow Him. He doesn't tell them to wait around until you think He proves Himself worthy of trust to follow. He doesn't say wait here until I give you clarity that this is going to look the way you want it to. He doesn't say to go and ask a bunch of people for advice on what to do to follow. 

He just says f o l l o w. He says urgently, to drop your nets and choose to follow. Choose to take the first step of obedience and then the next, and then the next, and then the next. He will not reveal to you the reasoning of His plan before you take the step of obedience because that requires absolutely no faith. Choose to believe He is good and worthy of your trust no matter what season of life He has called you into. 

This leads me to my latest revelation which is... 

i used to pray for clarity but now i pray for trust... 

I used to spend all my time begging Jesus to give me clarity in what I need to do and how I need to do it but now I am finally realizing that if I am a true disciple of Jesus that I am not in control so why do I need clarity? What I need is to see my God as a big, loving, powerful and kind owner of my life and then to TRUST that where He leads me will be where I need to be... in His presence and for His glory. I need to count all that I have as LOSS compared to what I gain in surrendering, serving, and following Jesus. I need not to worry, because I am not the owner of my life. I must only have faith and obedience to what He has called me into. I must only steward well what He has given me. 

life is better when i don't have control. life is better when I trust the One worthy of my very self--my very life and when I live for Him and His renown.  

so, nowadays i am trying daily to lean into change, trusting Him because of who He is and letting go of control. 

it's good. plus, turns out dating isn't so bad. who knew? 

Today I Learned A Lot.

Today I moved my little brother into Penland Hall. We unpacked his stuff in about 20 minutes (how?) and then headed to lunch. I watched all day not only my brother and his reaction to this transition and new stage of life but all the other new freshman around campus as well. I saw un-matched excitement met with un-matched nerves. People who looked like they couldn't wait for their parents to leave (my brother) and then two doors down people who looked like they were going to burst into tears the moment their family drove away (me three years ago). Move-in day and all of it's emotion being thrown in my "im a senior i want to cry" face.

Today, I learned a lot.

A lot more then I would have dared thought I would when I hit snooze this morning dreading getting out of bed so early and dreading even more getting anywhere close to 8th street where I knew I wouldn't be able to get around all the traffic. I didn't want to go to a place that I called home knowing that it was flocked with people who didn't know where they were going, even though their shirts kept telling everyone they did.

Today, I spent a majority of my time telling every freshman I saw how jealous I was that they were getting to start at the beginning. Today I went around looking at people who were at the beginning OF the beginning and all I kept thinking was that I'm at the beginning of the end. Not a place I want to be... and a place that gives me anxiety.

Mid-day today I was walking around campus and let myself go back to this day 3 years ago. I realized that I had this exact same feeling of anxiousness 3 years ago, though on a much broader scale. I was the girl who told everyone I was ready for college but deep down wasn't ready to leave everything she knew. I was the girl who cried when her parents left, and then sat in her dorm room for a straight week convinced that Baylor was the worst place in the world. (I am slapping my freshman year self for ever believing such a lie). But I say this because I recognized today that 3 years ago I walked around campus full of anxiety because I didn't want to be here and now I walk around campus full of anxiety because I don't want to leave. 

Today, I learned a lot. 

I thought about what if I had decided that my anxiety was too much to handle. That Jesus wasn't good enough or big enough or just enough to trust and I had decided to run away from Baylor and go home--back to what made me feel good and made me feel known and comfortable... what if that's what I did?

Tears stream down my face as I type this because of God's goodness in keeping me at Baylor. What would be different if I had run away and left?...

Everything. These past 3 years have been the most refining, encouraging, edifying, and BEST years of my life. Baylor and the people that fill this place is e x a c t l y what my terrified 18 year old self needed 3 years ago and praise God that He kept me here. Praise Him that He is good enough to look past my discomfort in the moment so that He can give me so much more than I could have ever dared to dream that I needed, wanted, or desired. What a Father. A sweet, sweet Father. 

So, today I learned a lot. 

I learned that I can't let my anxiety be my driving force because if I do-- I am going to miss out. 

Today, I am thankful that I didn't miss out on everything that Christ has used Baylor to give to me. I didn't miss out on sonic dates, bear-trail runs, Austin trips, bathroom talks, hard classes, professors who show grace, Chi-O functions, conflict, dance parties, meetings, Harris Creek, babysitting, Cameron Park days, refinement, growth, laughs, tears, peace, and unspeakable JOY.

I am thankful that Christ let me suffer for a little while, because who would I be if He hadn't? 

God has seen fit that I get this home that (now) brings me comfort and joy for another year and I am thankful. In a lot of ways it really is the beginning of the end--but that doesn't scare me so much anymore.

If moving to Baylor brought me so much anxiety in the beginning and I now have all of THIS to show for it, then when I have anxiety about moving on to the next thing-- I am going to remember this.

I am going to remember how in August of 2010 I wanted anything but Baylor... and how in August of 2013 I want only Baylor and this life I have found here. I am going to remember how I am prone to anxiety and that's ok but it won't and can't be what I base my decisions off of. I will remember because I know now that no matter where I am in this world that it really isn't home and that while God wants to bring me peace and joy that He isn't going to change His plans just because I have an un-easy feeling in my stomach... and praise Him for that. I have so much more because of it.

So, today I learned a lot and I'm not going to let myself forget it. 

Welcome "home" class of 2017! Get ready for God to blow your mind! 

My Proclamation

If you know me at all, or even if you have read my blog before then you know that I have spent 3 of my 4 college summers at Pine Cove Christian Camps. For all the people out there who have already stopped wanting to read this because you don't want to hear about someone else's camp experience--don't worry I'll spare you this time and this won't be a post about camp. (you're welcome!) However, one of the coolest things that PC does is that they give each of their staff a word at the end of the summer that they believe embodies who they are and how they impacted the campers and staff over the summer. It is an incredible opportunity for the leadership and resident staff of camp to speak identity into you. It is nerve racking and leaves you feeling both encouraged and challenged in the best possible way. That being said, my very first summer I was shocked when I was given the word courageous with this definition next to it:

courageous: doing what is right despite fear or risk. 

I remember sitting there holding it and becoming emotional because that summer I had felt like I was anything but courageous. I felt weak, broken, and useless. What a gift it was for me to have someone sit down with me and tell me that they saw in me something that I couldn't see. I remember telling them that I didn't at all feel courageous. I remember her looking at me and telling me that Christ had given me the ability to be very courageous, that she had seen that in me over the past 5 weeks, and that she wanted to challenge me to take this encouragement and to head into college full of gentle boldness and full of courage-- just like she knew I could. I left feeling empowered in a way that I never had before. 

Today I sat down at Common Grounds, a local coffee shop, and I thought about how un-courageous I have felt lately. I thought about how in more than just a couple areas of my life I am running away from what is right and running toward fear. I sat there and made myself think about all the ways I have been letting fear drive me and then I took myself back to that conversation in the Nada Mesa at camp. I thought about how whether I realized it then or not--I knew now that they were right. I do have the ability to be courageous. I have seen myself do it. I have seen myself at times over the last 3 years believe that I am a Godly woman who is saved by God's grace and because of that I have been able to walk into situations confidently and courageously. 

I was sad today as I recognized the insecurities and lies that I have let into my life and how because I have fed those things rather than feeding my soul with the Word that I have missed opportunities to be bold and courageous for Christ's name. I have missed out on hard conversations, conflict and community because I let fear be what drives me and not Jesus. 

When I am concerned about my fear I am saying that I am more important than that person or situation and when I am concerned with Jesus then I am confident that I can walk boldly into hard situations because He is the one leading me, guiding me, and speaking through me. 

If I want to live a life of c o u r a g e (which I do) then I have no choice but to let Jesus be my driving force, my commander, my master. If I decide that I am a better commander (gross), then I better be prepared to let fear and anxiety take over the drivers seat. 

In C.S. Lewis's book, Prince Caspian, the little girl Lucy gets lost from her brothers and sister and at last finds the Lion (Aslan) that they have been looking for. Her siblings hadn't been able to see him on other occasions and Lucy was sure that they weren't going to believe her, that she had really found him. 

This is how it goes down: 

"Now, child," said Aslan... "I will wait here. Go and wake the others and tell them to follow. If they will not, then you at least must follow me alone." 

It is a terrible thing to have to wake four people, all older than yourself and all very tired, for the purpose of telling them something they probably won't believe and making them do something they certainly won't like. "I mustn't think about it, I must just do it," thought Lucy. 

I think that is my favorite part of the story. For this anxiety prone girl, I can relate to that mindset. 

I must not think about it. I must just do it. 

I have the tendency to over-think. When I over-think I then tend to forget the simplicity of the gospel and of who Jesus is and of who He says that I am. When I over-think and over-analyze and when I go ask 20 people (not an exaggeration) of what they think I start to forget of how temporary this world and my problems are. I start to believe the lie that I am the commander and that I am in control. What a scary place to be-- and to think that my over-analyzing mind is what led me to that conclusion. 

We all need to stop over-thinking and start proclaiming what we know to be true because of the Truth that we have been given. So here's my proclamation: 

"I, Madison Mae Humphries am a daughter of the one true King. I am here on earth only temporarily and I must follow my King even if no one goes with me. I am a courageous, bold, and loving woman who has earned nothing but has been given everything she needs to proclaim His name and walk in righteousness." 

Whenever you start to over-think or when you have one of those days like mine was today when you realize that you have shifted off the narrow path, remind yourself of what your purpose is and what and Who you were made for. 

Because it certainly wasn't anxiety and it certainly wasn't fear. 

be courageous. do what is right despite fear. 

by doing this, you'll proclaim to a broken world that there is someone other than yourself that is in complete control. 

thank you, Jesus. 

The Gift of Singleness #6: "Crucify Your Dreams"

*this will be one of the last if not the last post in this series!! thanks for reading!* 

I'm a dreamer. In every single sense of the word and I have been since I was a very little girl. I can remember being as young as 5 years old and imagining my wedding day. FIVE. I can remember playing wedding with my friends where I (somehow) was always the bride and they were always the bridesmaid. I am currently paying for that (literally) as I am the one buying bridesmaid dress after bridesmaid dress. Serves me well. To all the 5 year olds out there reading this-- don't say I didn't warn you... go ahead and hand the fake veil over. You'll thank me later. But really, I know that I am not the only person who has spent their entire life dreaming dreams that aren't coming true. Life is happening all around us, but it isn't the way we thought it would be or should be and hardly ever is it when we think it should be. 

I grew up in a culture that told me to dream... and so I did. I dreamed big, crazy, and often times impossible dreams. But it was engrained in my mind forever (thank you sunday school) that nothing was impossible with Christ and so I kept on dreaming those dreams...the ones where I am the center of attention, where I am elevated instead of Christ, where I get what I want and my friends just stand by me happily although "secretly" they wish they had what I had and "secretly" that makes me even happier. I certainly do not blame sunday school for my way of thinking and for the record, I am blessed to have grown up attending SS every Sunday BUT, I think that a very important lesson went un-taught to me all those years ago. That being, that dreaming can be good and it also can be very bad. What I wish I would have known all those years ago is what dreaming outside of Christ's will and direction can do to ones body, heart, and mind. 

dream-er: "a person who lives in a world of fantasy; one who is impractical and unrealistic." 

Earlier when I said I was a dreamer--I meant it and this definition often describes me a little too well. I have spent so much time throughout my life dreaming up what I wanted the next year, month, day, and even hour to look like. If I am not actively holding my thoughts captive then I can expect my mind to start making up conversations and scenarios that will bring me satisfaction. I will "dream" of what it would be like to be liked by everyone or wanted by that person or honored for doing that or recognized for doing this. It is here where I find myself taking something as "naive" as dreaming and turning it into something that is now complicated and even sinful. I am not saying that dreaming alone is sinful but personally, dreaming has become an idol in my life that causes me to long for a world that isn't real--a world where I am elevated and Christ is not. A sick world indeed. 

This fantasy world that I often find myself living in has caused more problems in my actual REAL life than I would care to admit. When you allow yourself to dream without prayer and without open hands ready to give or to take anything that the Lord has for you, then you willingly put yourself in a very dangerous place. A place full of un-met expectations. 

Fantasy worlds make you believe that the things you see on TV or in Magazines are real and that you deserve that type of "passionate" and reckless love. Fantasy worlds make you have expectations on people that they cannot meet, and expectations on yourself that you cannot and should not meet. Fantasy worlds are full of worldly dreams that make you feel good for a fleeting moment and then leave you feeling miserable for a lot longer than that. 

Dreaming big dreams that only concerned me and my happiness led me to a belief that I wouldn't be truly satisfied with life until I had a ring on my finger and a guy who looked and acted like Prince Charming. It led me to believe lies about dating, marriage, and singleness. It led me to believe lies about what beauty is and where it comes from. It led me to believe lies about myself and it put me in a world where security, worth, and happiness was "promised" but actually ripped out from under me. 

I am PROMISED security, worth, and joy but it WILL NOT be found in fantasy world where my selfish dreams are tucked away tight. 

Consider Ruth. One of my all time favorite bible characters who I cannot relate to much yet, though I desperately desire to. Ruth walks away from everything that might give her security or worth and walks straight into a future that has absolutely no certainty or promise of earthly satisfaction. Ruth was not giving up everything in order to get Boaz. She was giving up everything in order to get Jesus. Ruth reminds me in a makes me want to jump up and down and shout from the rooftops kind of way of the call to follow Christ. Her story helps remind me of my story and how though in one way they look very different how in another they should look so very much the same. A call to die--and an obedient answer to that call. 

Ruth didn't have to dream because she trusted that God was going to direct her steps. He would dream for her and it would be well worth the wait. 

You will W A S T E your singleness and the loneliness, doubt, insecurity and everything else that comes with it if you refuse to let the pain of un-met dreams drive you into complete abandon like Ruth. You will absolutely waste it if you do anything other than put your whole heart into God's plan for your life, TRUSTING that He gives good gifts-- even if they aren't packaged the way you and your dreams thought they would be. 

There is a world waiting for you that is far better than any fantasy. One where the King of all Kings is beckoning you to come and be still, to know that He is your good Shepherd and that He wants to walk through this very real and painful world with you... bringing you true joy and peace along the way.  

Crucify your dreams--God is a way better dreamer than you could e v e r be. 

The Gift of Singleness #5: "You Can Too"

Things are changing. I recognize that things are always changing, but this summer it's been a different kind of change. I can feel my perspective on life, my deepest desires, and ultimately my very heart changing right in front of me... slowly but very consistently c h a n g i n g . 

In the beginning of May as school wrapped up I wrote down a list of things I wanted to do this summer and talked with my friends about all of the Waco adventures we were going to take and do. I was expectant and hopeful for a summer of fun, relaxation, and adventure since it was my first and last college summer where I wasn't committed to camp or work. While adventures did happen and fun was definitely had, I don't think that is what I'll look back on when I think about Summer 2013. Instead, I think my memories will be flooded with the ample amount of time I have spent with God, friends, and family processing through life, expectations, and dreams.

I'll think about the 147 road trips I took heading northbound on 35 in order to live the Dallas dream and how once I got there my weekends were full of laughter and honesty and hard conversations that made me leave knowing I was better now just because I went. 

I'll think about the nights at my house where I found myself alone yet again, and how I learned to spend that time with Jesus. I'll remember how it was awkward at first, to spend time with God at 7pm but then how it quickly became natural and the one thing I always looked forward to. 

I'll remember fasting with a good friend and how it changed us both. I'll have Summer 2013 to thank for the now knowledge that 10 days without something can change a lot more than you think it can. 

I'll remember buying a plane ticket to Portland, OR only a week before I left and how it was worth all the money I spent to get there (and more) because of that Saturday morning hammocking with my best friend. Having the opportunity to tell her face to face all the things the Lord has been teaching me this summer and then getting to listen to her challenge, encourage, and affirm me. Now I know that simply buying the plane ticket is sometimes the best choice you can make.

I'll remember the night I sat in my laundry basket (yes, my laundry basket) in the middle of my room as I told my roommate about my anxiety and fear. I'll remember how she listened in a way that made me feel known and normal. I'll remember how after we were done talking, I didn't have anxiety anymore. 

I'll remember sitting on the Suspension Bridge countless number of times reading and journaling and specifically the day I sat there and finished Bob Goff's book, "Love Does". Tears streaming down my face as I truly and finally rested in the height and depth of Christ's love for me. 

I'll remember how God laid on my heart to write a blog series on singleness and how He has used it to remind me of Truth, to dig deep into scripture, and to shatter any expectations I had left...

Since starting this blog series I have thought a lot about singleness, dating, and marriage. Partly because I have been wanting to seek out Truth and wisdom for the blog and partly because God has chosen to lead me into conversations that are focused around these topics, while jointly leading my heart in a direction toward these topics as well. The craziest part about this entire thing is that while I felt the Lord's leading in writing a series on singleness that is not at all what He has been teaching me about this summer. While I have been rambling on about the single life (that I know well) He has been nudging me and asking me the question, 

"So if d a t i n g is in your future will you still choose to trust Me then?" 

I like what I know. If I know you, I like you and the more I get to know you the more I like you. I am like this in almost every area of my life and this summer God has revealed to me that I am like this with my singleness. 

I know what it's like to be single. I know how to live the single life "wrong" and I know how to live it "right". My head tells me that I know how to navigate through life being single because that is the only way I have ever navigated through. So, with this knowledge comes the tendency as always for me, to cling to whatever "it" is, because at least I know that "it" has brought satisfaction in my life in the past. 

i am of little faith. 

See... It's one thing to say that I want to date someone but a whole other thing for me to actual do it. Just like for many of you it is one thing to say that you want to accept singleness but a whole other thing to actually do it-- willingly at that.   

What I am learning is that life isn't so much about my marital status. 

Instead of living in fear of never getting married, or living in fear of getting married what if we just started living for today--as it came??? If today brings singleness, then glory to God. If today brings a dating relationship that is honoring to Him, glory to God. If today brings marriage, glory to God. 

 Our lives are meant to be offerings poured out for Jesus and our goal is sanctification that brings us to look more like Him. BREAKING NEWS: we can do that single or married. 

Marriage is sanctifying (says every married person I've ever met) AND singleness is sanctifying. 

You do not and must not wait for something else to come in your life to start letting yourself lean into sanctification. Shame on me for clinging to what I think I have become good at (singleness) and shame on you if you are resisting something that is meant to BE good for you (could be singleness or marriage). 

I feel like most of us (I am president of this club) spend our time responding to the "maybes" of tomorrow instead of living in TODAY. 

Today my friends, I am called to singleness. However, I must not put all of my eggs in this singleness basket because I don't know when it will break. Just as I must not put all of my eggs in the relationship basket, if one is to come, because I won't know when that will break either. God's basket is the only one I can trust and I'm starting to learn that He wants all of my eggs so that He can care for them in the best way possible... handing them to me as gifts when He sees fit. 

 I cannot live today in fear of what tomorrow may or may not bring because I may or may not even be here tomorrow. 

This summer is turning out to be a lot like what I think the rest of my life will be like-- not at all what I planned and way better because of it. 

I am learning in big, huge, hard, and beautiful ways this summer that no matter what my marital status is...  

I can trust Jesus with my heart. 

you can too. 

Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breath in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. 

Do not be future. Be now. -Kyle Lake 

10 Things.

Someone asked me the other day, “What are you most looking forward to about your senior year?” I sat there and had a hard time coming up with just one thing. I am excited about every single detail except for that huge always-obvious one that this is my last year here. I am happy that it’s not a year of firsts because those kind of years are the hardest for me but I sat there heavy hearted because while it isn’t going to be a year of firsts it is going to be a year of lasts in a place that I have grown to love and call home—and at this point that sounds a little worse then starting from the beginning. That’s when it hit me, I knew what I was most excited about and I proceeded to say,

“I can’t wait to live college with the perspective I have now. It took me a long time to realize that college isn’t my whole life but rather just a phase of life and that has started to change everything. I want to do everything bigger and better with as much passion and integrity as I can. I love this place and these people and I am just grateful and relieved that I still have one year left to live the college dream with this perspective. So that’s no doubt what I am looking forward to most.”

This has made me start thinking a lot about what I wish I would have known that August day as I moved myself into Collins 315. I don’t know if someone had told me these things that I would have listened or believed them (b/c I know people did tell me!) but regardless I want to share with anyone who might be entering college this year what I would do to make sure I am making the most of this awesome phase of life! Whether you’re entering your Freshman year or your Senior year like myself, I think these are must do’s during college!

headed to my first Baylor game as a student! 

(This post is specifically for Baylor people since that is the college experience that I am having however I am sure a lot of these can be true for any school/town you find yourself in!)

10 Must Do’s While Living Your (Waco) College Dream:

10.  Hop on the “I love Baylor” Train: Yep, that’s right… go Baylor crazy. This is something that I did not fully do until I was a sophomore and I really regret it. I remember that I never went to anything during welcome week because I thought that I wouldn’t have fun and that it was lame to do those kinds of things. NO, I WAS LAME. It is important to take pride in the school that you are attending because taking pride in something will help you to feel ownership over it. Baylor is great and you should feel proud to call yourself a bear.  Get out of your dorm room… paint yourself green and gold, don’t take yourself too seriously and go drink Dr. Pepper floats. They’re good and not to mention, FREE.

9. Knock on Doors and Keep Yours Open: Again, something that I didn’t do well my freshman year. I spent my entire first semester of college convinced that I was going to forever and always hate all things college. Everything started to change the day I decided I would just get over myself enough to go knock on a girl’s door that lived down the hall from me. Her name was Mary Burton and 3 years later we are roommates who share everything from a bathroom to clothes and dry shampoo-- the only difference now is that instead of knocking on each other’s doors we just walk right in…

me and Mary Burton junior year. 

8. Eat Food with People: It sounds simple (and it is) however as I look back on my first 3 years of college some of my best memories are while I have been gathered around some type of table, eating some type of food, with some type of people. It doesn’t necessarily matter where you’re eating or what you’re eating but more of whom you are doing it with.  Make sure you eat meals with people who are your best friends and people who are strangers. Gathering around a table is an easy and perfect way to get to know people! Some of Waco’s best food places are: Food For Thought, Vitecks, Cupps, La Fiesta, Buzzard Billy’s, D’s Mediterranean, Poppa Rollos, Taco Z, and more—go to these and then go find some of your own favorites!

7. Study and Skip Class: Now every parent reading this hates me but I’ll explain myself. Study… hard. And skip class… occasionally. The great thing about college is that your classes are almost always packed full of valuable information and you don’t want to miss it! However you also don’t want to miss fun chances to go make memories with friends and sometimes just doing something while class is going on will automatically make it more fun and more memorable. So… study hard, check your schedules and skip class every once in awhile on a day when it is safe to do so. Remember to enjoy your freedom but also make sure you don’t abuse it.

6. Serve and Strive for Self- less- ness: College is a time in life when it is extremely easy to make everything all about you. Don't do it. You will be able to decided what you want to get involved in, who you want to hang out with, where you want to eat, and ultimately how you want to live. That's a lot of you's. If you are a believer in Christ, don't let the freedom of college let you forget about your calling and purpose in every stage of life. If you only think about yourself for 4 straight years I promise you will look back with a feeling of emptiness and waste. Serve in order to rid yourself of yourself. 

5. Make a Baylor Bucket List: This is something that I did my Junior year and I so wish I would have created it earlier! I have found that my bucket list is one of the best things I have done in college. It has helped me explore Waco and find some of my favorite places. Not to mention, it has created some of the best memories for me and my friends who are always quick to join on my crazy adventures! Some things on my list include: hammock on the suspension bridge, travel to Buc-ees, kayak down the brazos, rent a tandem bike, memorize Romans 12, eat with President Starr, crash a high school Prom, eat at the head table in Brooks, climb the climbing wall at the SLC, go to a drive in movie, Karaoke, run the bearathon, go to the top of the ALICO, jump off the suspension bridge, sleep in Collins as a senior, and more! 

crossing Buc-ees off the bucket list. 

4. Be Purposeful with Your Summers: One of the coolest things about college is the different ways you can spend your summers! Whether you choose to study abroad, go on a mission trip, work at camp or stay in Waco to take class-- be purposeful with it. When I look back on my 4 summers in college I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I chose to spend 3 summers at Pine Cove Christian Camps where my faith was tested, refined, and deepened. This summer I have spent in Waco and have learned that I can be just as refined and challenged here as I was at camp. It's less about where you are and more about what you choose to do with the extra time you have. But if you have the chance to do something like camp or travel-- do it. You won't regret it! 

camp 2012

3. Find Solitude to Study Gods Word and Yourself: Everyone tells you (and I think it's true!) that you will never have as much time as you do in college. Will you be busy? Yes, you will be BUT you will still have more time then you will when you have a job and family. Spend time your first year of college practicing how to time-manage and when you do make sure you allow time for solitude and self-evaluation! College is a perfect time to process through hurts, habits, and hang ups. Find your strengths and your weaknesses. Study scripture, journal, and process. Find a place where you can be alone and dig into the silence.This has been one of the best best best things about college for me. Some places where I have found solitude in Waco include: Cameron Park, Lake Waco, the Garden of Contentment on campus, the porch at my house and even my car! 

the garden of contentment with lyd. 

2. Stories: Read them, write them, and create them! I challenge all of you to read books you wouldn't normally read, write about things that you wouldn't normally want to see put on paper (ex: sin, fears, dreams, etc.) and finally create stories that you are going to want to share with your kids! This is the part where you make your bucket list come to life... 

( and finally... drumroll) 

1. Lean into Conflict and Community: If you are thinking that you are going to be getting away from conflict by leaving your family home and coming to college you are (thankfully) w r o n g. College (and especially Baylor!) will provide you with some of the best community that you will ever have which will in turn provide you with some of the best conflict you've ever had. Don't run away from this because if you do you will never taste how sweet community can actually be. Let your friends fail you and then choose to love them anyway AND let yourself fail your friends and let them show you how they aren't going anywhere. S/O to all 4 of my roommates and Lydia Pettit for showing me that conflict isn't just good but needed. Love is a lot better when you know that it was and is a choice. 

the aspen hottiez (roommates)

Rebecca, Jana and I did accountability together this past year. 

these girls love me better than most. 

If you're just about to start college, welcome aboard. Get ready for the best 4 year journey you could ever imagine... full of growth, laughter, failure, dreams, tears, refinement, and the very best community. 

get excited. 

and as always, 

sic 'em bears.  

The Gift of Singleness #4: The Pain of Rejection

I remember the day all too well. I can't remember the exact date though I know it was during Christmas break of 2011. I had just gotten home from a ski trip and my best friend and I were spending the afternoon together celebrating her engagement that had just happened a week or so before. We were in the car stopped at the intersection of Rieck Rd and Broadway in Tyler. I remember sitting there and her joyfully telling me, "Hey, I think me and Daniel picked a date for the wedding! October 13th, 2012!" I can't remember if I said anything right after she said that but what I do remember is a few seconds later and I (out of nowhere) started to cry...hard. It's probably every girls dream that when she tells her best friend that she picked her WEDDING date that they start sobbing... right? No, nightmare. I sat there looking at her and did my very best to vocalize how I felt, saying... 

"I'm happy I promise, it's just that on October 13th you get a new best friend but I don't and that's hard for me" 

She looked at me and started to cry also not because she felt bad for me but because she knew that it was true. It wasn't a bad thing-- it was a good thing but it was change. And in that moment she did the very best thing that she could have ever done for me. She cried alongside her "run away from change as fast as you can" best friend and let me know without using words that I was right, she was getting a new best friend but that it was going to be okay and she wasn't going anywhere. 

All of life brings different types of rejection. You can feel rejection from a group of people, a job, a school, a church, a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, singleness and even change in other peoples marital status. Singleness in particularly can make someone feel rejection in a deep way. I like to imagine that singleness a lot of times can feel like you're back in middle school waiting to see if you're going to get picked by someone for the flag football team. And if you do get picked how many rounds is it going to take until they call your name and is it going to be the team (person) you wanted to join?! 

It's embarrassing to admit that singleness sometimes feels like that middle school playground but I think all too often that's exactly what it feels like and it's not a good feeling. All of a sudden you have something that was intended to be fun and good (the "football" game which is representing dating just incase you're missing it) but instead of actually starting the game, you have a whole lot of insecure people standing in a field wondering why all of these other people don't see them as worthy of being on their team. It doesn't feel good to not get picked for a team and it also doesn't feel good to pick someone for your team who then tells you, "Sorry but I don't think I want your team." 

r e j e c t i o n  sucks. 

I wish that there was a better way of putting it but when it comes right down to it-- rejection does suck. BUT, like most things, what we choose to do with rejection can not only change our moods but it can change our lives in a powerful way. You and I are both broken people and we are created to have identity, worth, and affirmation spoken into us but we are not designed to have these things spoken into us by humans. 

Jesus asked the Pharisees this question:  "How can you believe (or be satisfied with God), when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?" -John 5:44 

God is the ONLY one who has the ability to speak identity into you in such a way that it secures who you are. If you are allowing a fallen human being to try and do such a thing then you are hurting both yourself and that person. Don't try and give humans the power to give you value when that power belongs to Christ alone. 

Fab Sharford says this: "The key to satisfaction in Him is two-fold; not receiving your worth from the words of man, and seeking it from God. The pain we experience in singleness occurs because the first condition has been met. Now, the challenge is to let go of my desire to seek out and try to secure that affirmation from humans and instead seek my affirmation from God." 

Here's (in my opinion) one of the best thing about singleness: It often times forces you into a place where you aren't getting humans approval or affirmation. This puts you in a hard but perfect place to practice the discipline of seeking affirmation from God alone-- for He is the only one who can truly give it to you anyway. 

While you might not be getting picked for the team or you might have people telling you that they don't want to be apart of your team know this: 

*If you are taking this rejection and giving it to Christ, allowing Him to fill the aching fear and insecurity that has come from it then your reward is going to be great. You will have a deeper knowledge of Christ's goodness, deeper faith, and deeper satisfaction from our Lord and Savior. *

And people, lets wake up to the reality that there is NOTHING BETTER THAN THAT!! 

Heres the coolest part about the story I told you at the beginning of this post: 

You see after that Christmas break I began to pray that the Lord would take away any insecurity, jealousy, bitterness or envy that had come about in my heart with knowing that Emma would be getting married soon because first off having those things in my heart is bad and secondly, I wanted to be able to have true j o y for my main gal on her most favorite day. Not only would she be gaining another best friend but I would forever and always come after Daniel now. While I wanted that for her and Daniel and I desperately wanted them to walk into a healthy marriage covenant, it was still hard for me to swallow that while Emma was still my number one that after that day I wouldn't and shouldn't ever be her number one again. So, I prayed. I knew that God cared about every negative feeling I felt and I decided that I would believe that He cared to change those feelings as well. And guess what... 

He did! He changed them. All of them. It to this day is one of my most treasured journeys with my King! How sweet is His love to care enough for me that He wouldn't just change my feelings but that He would place in me a strong and true realization and belief that on that day Emma gained a husband but that she didn't gain the best thing-- for she had already had the best thing for a long long time and I had it too. She was now no more whole than I was. God knew that she needed Daniel starting October 13th, 2012 and God knew that I needed singleness. I trust that He knows and will provide for the day when I need a relationship with a man who fears Him to bring me into a better relationship with Him. 

 October 13th, 2012 

(didn't turn out so bad after all) 

When you give God the pain of your rejection you are allowing Him to turn that pain into good, good things. Proof of those good things is found in the picture above through the joy on our faces on that good, good day. 

Gods love is > the pain of rejection 

rest secure and go have fun while your friends get hitched!